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Crazy mixed signals...or am I reading into it?


trezeralietas

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I've entered into a relationship with a guy that he said from the outset all he's looking for is a "fantastic, sexy, comfortable fling." Okay, I'm totally on board with that because I just got out of a 12 year marriage and have no desire to be tied down or in a committed situation, but I would love to have some great sex and the company of a fun guy sometimes--especially in a more secure way than one night stands can provide. Also, he's 24 and I am 34.

 

My question is, if he's only looking for casual, why the heck does he act super romantic? He holds my hand every chance he gets, always has a hand on me in some way--leg, back, waist, always wants to share whatever I am drinking or eating, always wants to cook for me and make sure I have snacks when I am about to leave. He loves to come up behind me and wrap his arms around me and kiss my neck/shoulder/cheeks/brow. When we have sex and it's dark, he's whispering he wishes he could stare into my eyes. We were watching TV on the couch last night and he was laying with his head in my lap and holding my hand. I fell asleep for a few minutes and when I woke up, he was staring raptly at my face and smiling slightly. He asked me to stay the night and then gave me a spare key to his apartment today and left to run an errand saying I could stay as long as I wanted but that he hoped I'd be there when he got back. He always greets me with kisses and hugs and immediately wants me to sit down so he can give me a foot rub and ask me about my day/week, etc. He loves to spend entire days just cuddling, having sex, cooking together, listening to music, watching movies/shows (which we miss most of because we're so involved with each other), discussing books, political views, articles we've read, religious views, hobbies, our families, etc. He's always asking me questions about myself, my views, my way of doing things. He says I have a way of touching him like nobody else and that he's come more with me (for longer) than he has with anyone else.

 

Just yesterday, he told me that he was initially very attracted to me when we met (back at New Years Eve through a mutual friend). We hooked up at this same friend's birthday party almost 3 weeks ago after not seeing each other for 10 months, and this situation has developed. Now, he said he was attracted from the first moment, but consciously made the decision in the last couple weeks that I can't be "the one" because of my age. That's fair, he has a right to want what he wants for whatever reason he wants, and I don't want an exclusive relationship anyway.

 

But seriously guy, what gives? What in the world is all of this boyfriendy behavior?

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Well....do you want to be treated like a night girl? Wham bam thank you mam, now get out and I'll see you again on Wed at 9?

 

Anyway, the problem with fwb's is that invariably someone ends up getting attached and starts to develop feelings and wants more while other person means to stay fwb. So make sure you aren't getting attached because when a guy tells you what you don't want to hear, you better believe him. He told you that he will date you, no strings attached, but he will not take it further with you. If you start getting attached, I suggest you walk away the moment you realize it. If you think he is getting attached and wants more, ask him what his deal is. Communicate or one of you is going to get burned badly.

 

If you don't want him acting all boyfriendy, tell him to go home. In a way, you are allowing this boyfriendy stuff and therefore permitting the confusion about what this is and ironically, you are confusing yourself.

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But seriously guy, what gives? What in the world is all of this boyfriendy behavior?

 

 

Fwb, friends that do other stuff, casual, whatever you want to call it: its not a relationship. Its an arrangement. He wants sex he told you that from the start, and he will say and make you feel whatever you need. At the same time, he doesnt want all the 'work' of a bf/gf relationship, but he seems to....for the moment... be just enjoying the 'fun' parts of a real relationship. If you ever plant to meet a serious man and get into a real relationship down the road, then Ill tell you the longer you stay in this arrangement, the more its going to mess with you head.

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I would be taken in too. My advice would.be the same as the others.... reading this one would think he's crazy in love with you. But the cold, hard facts are that it's just s3x but with all the niceties. .. which for you is, well, lovely I'm sure. But I fear you will get sucked in and end up with feelings which will lead to upset, disappointment and hurt. Be careful X

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This set up allows him to experience all the joys of homely boyfriend fantasies without taking any actual responsibility of these things. In his mind, he is almost like a family father without the cost (freedom?) I think. Plus, you probably give much more intellectual or emotional attention to him thanhis other casual partners. His peers in FBW situations may either demand more from him or will probably not listen to him talk about religion, family, values etc as they may want to do this with men who can offer them a relationship - unless they are long time friends. Some people just get an ego boost from acting like this with women.

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Just curious. If you were to reverse the genders and it was the woman being all gooey eyed and romantic, would we say she's just doing what she needs to do to get her rocks off?

Why is it if a man seems invested we insist he couldn't possibly be and has ulterior motives and is play acting in order to keep it?

If a women seems invested then she wants to marry him up and have his babies?

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I've entered into a relationship with a guy that he said from the outset all he's looking for is a "fantastic, sexy, comfortable fling."

 

Now, he said he was attracted from the first moment, but consciously made the decision in the last couple weeks that I can't be "the one" because of my age.

 

It's a fallacy when people say look at actions and not words. You have to pay attention to both.

 

He's told you that he doesn't want a long-term, committed relationship with you BUT he'd be very happy to have a fling.

 

His actions show he's attracted to you and very happy with this fling. Just remember not to confuse affection/attraction with commitment. He's not interested in that.

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Hey guys! Thanks for the responses.

 

I hear you all, loud and clear. I'm never going to try to think I know better....if a guy tells/shows me who he is, I'm going to believe it.

 

I guess I just find this whole situation kind of bizarre. I almost feel like I'm split in two. One part of me is completely into it and enjoying the intimacy, commonalities, honesty, and sex...oh my. ..The other part, it's like I'm floating in the corner of the room looking on. Like I'm watching a movie or am completely removed from this and I'm marveling at the disconnect between words and actions. It's all so strange. Just thought I'd get some viewpoints and really I kind of just wanted to tell someone about it.

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Just curious. If you were to reverse the genders and it was the woman being all gooey eyed and romantic, would we say she's just doing what she needs to do to get her rocks off?

Why is it if a man seems invested we insist he couldn't possibly be and has ulterior motives and is play acting in order to keep it?

If a women seems invested then she wants to marry him up and have his babies?

 

I think the problem is not that he seems invested but him saying at the same time that he was "initially" attracted to her but decided in the last couple of weeks that she cannot be the "one" because of her age. I think somebody truly invested would find time to edit this statement somewhere in between.

 

What is that age thing by the way? She isn't 90, just 34! Yes, ten years of age difference but she isn't at a late age that would eliminate all hopes of a long term relationship. If age matters because of childbirth, her age doesn't hinder this. Not that she wants it but I don't think he has the right mentality to invest when he sees a 34 year old woman. And I think this is where gender roles have double standards because 34 year old men probably hear these things less from 24 year old women.

 

I think the same contradiction would be questionable in a woman as well.

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10 years is quite a lot, imho, given their ages. Especially given that they have very different life experiences.

 

Yeah, it's just skirting that edge. When I was 30, I found that the cut-off was 6 or 7 years. Younger than that was usually a different planet. Not always, but probably 75% of the time. Depends on the person. I'm talking friends in general, not just boyfriends. At 34, the cut-off may approach 10 years. The farther we get from our 20s, the less it matters.

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Now, he said he was attracted from the first moment, but consciously made the decision in the last couple weeks that I can't be "the one" because of my age. That's fair, he has a right to want what he wants for whatever reason he wants, and I don't want an exclusive relationship anyway. But seriously guy, what gives? What in the world is all of this boyfriendy behavior?

 

He's already told you. If you were 24, he'd be looking for a relationship. Because there's no threat of a relationship, he can act his normal self. "Casual", doesn't mean that someone has to have a one track mind (which is what you have). The question is, who is going to break-up first?

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The question is, who is going to break-up first?

 

I think it will be me. I don't really feel all that invested in this. I am glad to be his friend and I am enjoying how I feel when I am with him, but I am under no illusion that anything could come of this.

 

Anyway, if I were in a place to have a relationship, it'd really be his loss. Oh well, poor baby.

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Now, he said he was attracted from the first moment, but consciously made the decision in the last couple weeks that I can't be "the one" because of my age. That's fair, he has a right to want what he wants for whatever reason he wants, and I don't want an exclusive relationship anyway.

 

Switching gears, I do have a problem with his remark about your age. I don't consider it to be "fair", but rather tactless (lacking any sense of etiquette). He could have taken a more respectful approach and attribute it to his age (not ready to settle down, different priorities,...), or just don't mention it at all. He didn't have to go there.

 

It wasn't like you were begging to be in a relationship with him.

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You know, I guess I agree with you SoulTaker. His response did lack etiquette and tact. Probably, ironically, because he's so young, haha. I at least appreciate his honesty and straightforward answer. I mean, I *did* bring it on myself. He just said he had made the conscious decision I couldn't be a potential long term partner and I pushed the point and asked what exactly about me had made him think that. He still could have presented it in a different way, and he did backpedal and say that it wasn't the age gap specifically, but the fact that he feels like we are in different places in our lives.

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