Boyfriend acts childish when we argue.

So i just had a great weekend with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. And so i thought this would be the perfect time to talk to him about any issues i have because being in a good place i thought he'd be willing to listen to me.

I have definitely improved my communication skills when it comes to arguing, i mention issues in a light hearted way, things get solved end of. And that has been working for 2 months now.

However for some reason i yesterday brought an issue up which ive brought up to him many many times before to which he apologises for and knows hes wrong but it got on my nerves that i have been bringing this issue up for so long with no change. Anyway i mentioned it a few hours later, again hoping to mention it in a light hearted way, but as soon as i brought the issue up, i was just attacked and he constantly snapped at me before i could even express my feelings fully. So this upset me, led to further attacking and snapping by him. As i got upset my judgement was obviously a bit impaired so i apologised for saying something that i shouldnt have said. Instead of accepting this he said 'no you didnt say that first, what you say first is the truth nothing else'. Basically saying that i wasnt allowed to realise and apologise for my mistakes and it should remain a mistake. He then resorted to putting music on loud in the background whilst i was trying to speak to him and then said silly stuff like 'lets not be happy together, theres no point. Lets have averagely good weekends so you can bring up any issue you have'. So he was annoyed that i brought this issue up after a good weekend. Nothing else. He agreed with what i said and said hed make changes. Yet continued to act childish. He hung up and then i rang back about 3 times in 3 hours trying to talk to him like an adult and he wasnt having any of it. He said the weekend was ruined so might as well continue being upset. And if i said something hed constantly repeat 'no you didnt no you didnt no you didnt' until he drived me crazy.

This has angered me so much, his reaction to an issue that he fully understands is his fault, and the way that he acted when arguing. I felt like we had improved and i know i have in arguments, yet he acts so childish like im fighting with my little brother.

How can i make him see this or what should i say/do? Hes never acted so childish before.

Sorry to hear this, but nagging rarely helps no matter how you dress it up. It doesn't sound like he responded well or handled it well and it devolved into an unnecessary argument.

What is the recurrent issue he won't address?

i yesterday brought an issue up which ive brought up to him many many times before to which he apologises for and knows hes wrong but it got on my nerves that i have been bringing this issue up for so long with no change.

What was the issue?

And you don't press someone to talk about something they don't want to talk about. If it's an issue you feel needs resolving and they don't want to get around to it, then take it or leave it.

Sorry to hear this, but nagging rarely helps no matter how you dress it up. It doesn't sound like he responded well or handled it well and it devolved into an unnecessary argument.

 

What is the recurrent issue he won't address?

i simply want him to be more romantic. I didnt moan or groan when mentioning this issue. The romance has died down for the last year and he apologises and says he should be more romantic but never does. Hence why i brought it up. Maybe i should just accept that hes not romantic, but to me it seem like he knows what would make me happy in terms of romance as i specifically mention it. yet doesnt listen to me. And its the fact that i dont feel listen to which upsets me.

The last year? How long have you been dating? What romantic things do you plan, do and contribute to? Is it possible you are just not compatible in terms of communication?

What specific romantic things do you mean? Flowers, dates, sex, candles, sweet-talk? Forcing him to do, say and feel things he just doesn't feel or think may be difficult.

In fact nothing is more romance killing than having argument upon argument about he's not "romantic'' .

i simply want him to be more romantic. it seem like he knows what would make me happy in terms of romance as i specifically mention it. yet doesnt listen to me. And its the fact that i dont feel listen to which upsets me.

You're nagging him because he's being the man he is and not the man you want. I'd be blasting music, too.

He hasn't been apologizing because he feels like he's at fault. He's apologizing to get you off his back for however many hours before you bring it up again. Looks like he figured out that music does the trick a lot better.

i simply want him to be more romantic. I didnt moan or groan when mentioning this issue. The romance has died down for the last year and he apologises and says he should be more romantic but never does. Hence why i brought it up. Maybe i should just accept that hes not romantic, but to me it seem like he knows what would make me happy in terms of romance as i specifically mention it. yet doesnt listen to me. And its the fact that i dont feel listen to which upsets me.

If he's not romantic, then this will most likely be an issue for the rest of your relationship with him.

Have you talked to him about the specific things that you might find romantic? It could be that he just has no clue what you want. What is romantic to you? Flowers once in a while, going out to dinner, being surprised with a cheap gift once in a while? I think he needs to know what you think and then find out which things he doesn't find difficult to do.

The last year? How long have you been dating? What romantic things do you plan, do and contribute to? Is it possible you are just not compatible in terms of communication?

 

What specific romantic things do you mean? Flowers, dates, sex, candles, sweet-talk? Forcing him to do, say and feel things he just doesn't feel or think may be difficult.

 

In fact nothing is more romance killing than having argument upon argument about he's not "romantic'' .

Things as simple as doing the washing up if im at work one morning and hes not.

Closing the blinds at night before we sleep and setting the alarm. Rather than him normally just going to bed and relying on me to do such things.

Flowers would be nice, even if theyre just handpicked from somewhere.

I really dont feel like im asking for that much? And these are things he used to do, im not asking for anything new.

Maybe i should just accept him not being romantic But i dont know how to communicate with him now? Weve not talked all day i dont know what to say to him.

If he's not romantic, then this will most likely be an issue for the rest of your relationship with him.

 

Have you talked to him about the specific things that you might find romantic? It could be that he just has no clue what you want. What is romantic to you? Flowers once in a while, going out to dinner, being surprised with a cheap gift once in a while? I think he needs to know what you think and then find out which things he doesn't find difficult to do.

I have specifically told him, flowers once a while. I then resorted to say if he cant remember flowers then just to get them on three occasions such as my birthday, anniversary and valentines day would be nice. He forgot all three this year, and then attacked me saying 'its not normal to want flowers for your birthday'. Its the effort that counts to me, id love them even if they were just handpicked. He used to handpick me flowers as a surprise.

Ive told him a date night once a month would be nice. To which i have constantly reminded him every month this year.

It just feels like im not being listened to.

Things as simple as doing the washing up if im at work one morning and hes not.

Closing the blinds at night before we sleep and setting the alarm. Rather than him normally just going to bed and relying on me to do such things.

Flowers would be nice, even if theyre just handpicked from somewhere.

I really dont feel like im asking for that much? And these are things he used to do, im not asking for anything new.

Maybe i should just accept him not being romantic But i dont know how to communicate with him now? Weve not talked all day i dont know what to say to him.

I thought you were living separately? Are you staying over at his place and telling him how to live in it?

No im talking about when he stays over at my place.

So i just had a great weekend with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. And so i thought this would be the perfect time to talk to him about any issues i have because being in a good place i thought he'd be willing to listen to me.

I have definitely improved my communication skills when it comes to arguing, i mention issues in a light hearted way, things get solved end of. And that has been working for 2 months now.

However for some reason i yesterday brought an issue up which ive brought up to him many many times before to which he apologises for and knows hes wrong but it got on my nerves that i have been bringing this issue up for so long with no change. Anyway i mentioned it a few hours later, again hoping to mention it in a light hearted way, but as soon as i brought the issue up, i was just attacked and he constantly snapped at me before i could even express my feelings fully. So this upset me, led to further attacking and snapping by him. As i got upset my judgement was obviously a bit impaired so i apologised for saying something that i shouldnt have said. Instead of accepting this he said 'no you didnt say that first, what you say first is the truth nothing else'. Basically saying that i wasnt allowed to realise and apologise for my mistakes and it should remain a mistake. He then resorted to putting music on loud in the background whilst i was trying to speak to him and then said silly stuff like 'lets not be happy together, theres no point. Lets have averagely good weekends so you can bring up any issue you have'. So he was annoyed that i brought this issue up after a good weekend. Nothing else. He agreed with what i said and said hed make changes. Yet continued to act childish. He hung up and then i rang back about 3 times in 3 hours trying to talk to him like an adult and he wasnt having any of it. He said the weekend was ruined so might as well continue being upset. And if i said something hed constantly repeat 'no you didnt no you didnt no you didnt' until he drived me crazy.

This has angered me so much, his reaction to an issue that he fully understands is his fault, and the way that he acted when arguing. I felt like we had improved and i know i have in arguments, yet he acts so childish like im fighting with my little brother.

How can i make him see this or what should i say/do? Hes never acted so childish before.

If he wants to act like a kid treat him like one. Or you can try counseling. Objective third party can point out both your issues with communication.

I have specifically told him, flowers once a while. I then resorted to say if he cant remember flowers then just to get them on three occasions such as my birthday, anniversary and valentines day would be nice. He forgot all three this year, and then attacked me saying 'its not normal to want flowers for your birthday'. Its the effort that counts to me, id love them even if they were just handpicked. He used to handpick me flowers as a surprise.

Ive told him a date night once a month would be nice. To which i have constantly reminded him every month this year.

It just feels like im not being listened to.

I think that at this point, you may just have to get used to the idea of him being a non-romantic person.

Does he show you that he loves you in other ways? Is he affectionate? Does he like to spend time doing things together with you?

Why can't you do these tasks? Doesn't he do other things around the house? This has zero to do with romance just who does what chores.

Things as simple as doing the washing up if im at work one morning and hes not. Closing the blinds at night before we sleep and setting the alarm. R

No im talking about when he stays over at my place.

I'm not a fan of expecting your partners to pitch in around the house if you're not both living there. It's still one's home and not the other's, so you take care of it the way you see fit. Once you're actually sharing living quarters, you can start discussing divisions of responsibilities. Making sure he's not leaving pubes on the toilet should be about the extent to which you expect him to tidy up.

And, sorry, but I can't see any merit in repeatedly nagging a man for not closing the blinds for you and setting your alarm.

Why can't you do these tasks? Doesn't he do other things around the house? This has zero to do with romance just who does what chores.

Those things are considered "acts of service" (according to the five love languages). So yes, they aren't considered romance, but they still are related to showing love for a person.

No im talking about when he stays over at my place.

When we stayed at my place (before marriage/living together) I set my own alarm and I was quite capable of closing the blinds if he didn't do it. \\

I'm confused as to why you think those things are "romantic?"

As for buying you flowers. I never got them either (when we were younger). After hinting at it for ages, I finally came right out and asked for them. When he didn't deliver after that, I didn't buy him anything for his birthday and when he pouted, I said now you know how it feels. I Usually get flowers for our anniversary now and as for birthdays... well, we just buy what we know the other wants or is into.

Why are you trying to change him into someone he isn't? If you don't like who he is or how he treats you and you've discussed it "in a light hearted manner" several times then it's time for you to find someone who makes you feel more valued or, it's time for YOU to change so that you can be happy with who he is.

I will agree that he handles his unacceptance of you trying to change him with immaturity though. Perhaps hes just fed up with never being appreciated and always being chastised? When is the last time you told him how much you appreciate what he DOES do for you?

BTW: Greywolf has a point. Maybe the two of you would do well to buy the book "The Five Love Languages" and do the questionnaire so that you learn what makes the other feel loved. Right now neither of you are showing the other any sort of appreciation if the way you're relating to one another is ruining a perfectly good weekend.

And, sorry, but I can't see any merit in repeatedly nagging a man for not closing the blinds for you and setting your alarm.

I agree. Op: Pick your battles, luv.

When we stayed at my place (before marriage/living together) I set my own alarm and I was quite capable of closing the blinds if he didn't do it. \\

 

I'm confused as to why you think those things are "romantic?"

As I posted earlier, those things are considered "acts of service." OP used the wrong term for them by calling them romantic, but it doesn't change that what she wants is certain gestures of love that she isn't getting.

Edit: Just saw your follow up reply. I didn't mean to repeat something you'd already seen.

As I posted earlier, those things are considered "acts of service." OP used the wrong term for them by calling them romantic, but it doesn't change that what she wants is certain gestures of love that she isn't getting.

 

Edit: Just saw your follow up reply.

I did acknowledge your post but we were posting at the same time I think.

I think you probably took the wind out of his sails :

Him : happy smiley man had wonderful weekend with his woman ..no arguing , no issues , nothing but fun ... smiley happy man gets smile wiped off his face because the aftermath of wonderful weekend is you getting on his case and reminding him of what he doesn't do.

You : happy smiley woman , had wonderful weekend with boyfriend , can see boyfriend is in a good place , so decides the time is right to bring up all the issues needing resolved in your mind .

End result ..the happiness is forgotten and everyone is pissed off .... when you are fighting the same battles you have to ask yourself in all honesty is it something that you can live with ? As said ..pick your battles .

"i simply want him to be more romantic."

Chocalot. That weasel word "romantic" or "romance".

Anyhow you can't make someone be what you want them to be. Or put differently what we ask for in this life and what we get are entirely different things.

"If new lovers were not seduced and enthralled with too-early promises of enduring devotion, would they be more likely to develop the skills over time that are needed for a long-term relationship to thrive? If the way newly intimate partners spoke to each other in more authentic and realistic ways, would they be more likely to continue that authentic intimacy as the relationship matured? Or, even if they just recognized that the way they spoke to each other was a blissful love-drama, would they make sure to stay authentic and real underneath?"

"Perhaps listing some of these romantically seductive phrases can alert new lovers to recognize when they are caught up in this ill-fated mythology. If they see these verbal offerings as the sincere and passionate statements of in-the-present intense attachment, they can still readily enjoy them while simultaneously preparing for a more realistic future relationship."

If he hasn't changed his behavior - after you have spoken to him about it multiple times - why would you expect it to change? He doesn't care that this issue bothers you, or he would have changed.

I suggest you take a long hard look at your relationship, as it sounds like you are over compromising for this guy.

Things as simple as doing the washing up if im at work one morning and hes not.

Closing the blinds at night before we sleep and setting the alarm. Rather than him normally just going to bed and relying on me to do such things.

Flowers would be nice, even if theyre just handpicked from somewhere.

I really dont feel like im asking for that much? And these are things he used to do, im not asking for anything new.

Maybe i should just accept him not being romantic But i dont know how to communicate with him now? Weve not talked all day i dont know what to say to him.

Good grief! This things are not romantic, but common sense.

he doesn't do it because he knows you will. This guy is a man child.

Maybe it would be better to go to his place.

No im talking about when he stays over at my place.

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