Helping my new wife

Recently my wife and i got married. She is 30, and I'm 34. We both love each other very much, however my wife seems to be suffering from some form of anxiety/despression. I think it might be Seasonal Depression, as every year she starts to feel down as we head into late Autumn, early winter. Shes been crying a lot, and saying to be "i feel so empty, and being torn apart, and i don't know why, i find it very hard to keep it together". She feels very guilty when she see's that sometimes it affects me, and would prefer if i was angry with her and tell her to snap out of it. Sometimes she gets very angry over really small things with me, and then apologises and cries afterwards. She tells me she appreicates all the good people in her life, and is blessed, but doesn't know why she feels this way. She isn't talking to anyone, but only has opened up with me. She doesn't want to talk to anyone else or her family, as she doesn't want to worrk them, and feels it's a waste of time paying someone who will say a few cliche questions. She is intelligent, and has studied some pyscology, but i really want her to talk to a Doctor, or maybe a professional who can help her. I have tried with giving her some Vitamin D recently, also doing more exercise. Before and after the wedding she's been like this.

Sometimes she is very affectionate and loving with me, other times she wants to be on her own. I don't know what to do or say to her, as i'm not a therapist. Her libido is very low at the moment, and shes had some panic attacks recently. I'm a good listener, and do my best to help her, but now i don't know what to do. Hope someone can assit, or advise if they have been in similar circumstances. I want her to be happy, but that needs to come from within herself.

okay so there is a split of some kind in her nuclear family. when the parental couple fails at meeting some essential need, we seek to have it met in other relationships, it's called transference because you transfer the developmental conflict that shaped you persona to a new relationship. on one hand, you have the upper hand of having her trust, her open communication, and her insight into the fact that your relationsip or you are not the sources of her distress, it's internal. on the downside, while you are a good partner, you have relationship needs as well. you can play a supportive role, but it is unlikely a partner can just set their needs and feelings aside to be the transitional object/therapist so you're right, it would help if she talked to someone emotionally uninvolved. therapist don't offer cliche phrases, they actively support and guide and empower the client to reshape the parts of the psyche that previous relationships malformed. so get that excuse of hers to not seeing someone out of the way.

are you familiar with the nature of the split with her family, do we know why she won't rely on them?

i'm reminded of a fortress model of a relationship- us against "them". the type of anxiety in these cases is persecutory. is this true for her way of relating to society, does she keep in touch with people or does she tend to isolate and seek comfort in you habitually? what area of life does she feel least successful in?

when we regress to a stage of a dependent who relies on the consolation of a big other, we are saying "i fear having to be in control", which is saying we're incompetent basically, so where does she feel incompetent?

i'm asking these things in hopes that if we understand what causes her to become symptomatic and the fear that prevents her from adressing it, we can come up with a way to convince her to take counseling that isn't frightening to her.

okay so there is a split of some kind in her nuclear family. when the parental couple fails at meeting some essential need, we seek to have it met in other relationships, it's called transference because you transfer the developmental conflict that shaped you persona to a new relationship. on one hand, you have the upper hand of having her trust, her open communication, and her insight into the fact that your relationsip or you are not the sources of her distress, it's internal. on the downside, while you are a good partner, you have relationship needs as well. you can play a supportive role, but it is unlikely a partner can just set their needs and feelings aside to be the transitional object/therapist so you're right, it would help if she talked to someone emotionally uninvolved. therapist don't offer cliche phrases, they actively support and guide and empower the client to reshape the parts of the psyche that previous relationships malformed. so get that excuse of hers to not seeing someone out of the way.

 

are you familiar with the nature of the split with her family, do we know why she won't rely on them?

 

i'm reminded of a fortress model of a relationship- us against "them". the type of anxiety in these cases is persecutory. is this true for her way of relating to society, does she keep in touch with people or does she tend to isolate and seek comfort in you habitually? what area of life does she feel least successful in?

when we regress to a stage of a dependent who relies on the consolation of a big other, we are saying "i fear having to be in control", which is saying we're incompetent basically, so where does she feel incompetent?

 

i'm asking these things in hopes that if we understand what causes her to become symptomatic and the fear that prevents her from adressing it, we can come up with a way to convince her to take counseling that isn't frightening to her.

Thank you Rainycoast for the feedback. She has a loving family, who she loves very much. They live in another country though, as she moved to my country a few years ago. Her mother is very loving, and wants her to be happy, but my wife at the same time doesn't want to worry her mother, and family, especially that she lives in another country. She has a few close friends she has made, but won't open up to them about this. I feel a therapist would be best, but she said even this morning while crying "shes not ready to speak to anyone yet" She did open up to me about a previous relationship she had with her Ex, who was abusive to her, and knocked her confidence a lot. I think this took a big toll on her life, and even though i'm not her Ex, perhaps sometimes she feels i may do the same things. e.g not giving her independance to spend time with friends, or away from me. This isn't an issue, as i want her to have a life outside of our marriage. We don't need to be around each other 24/7. She isn't happy in her job at the moment, as lots of her colleagues have moved on, and she misses them a lot. She does catch up with them sometimes. She feels very guilty about the way she feels, and not being able to understand why that is. Often she says "i'm such a mess, why do love me?" it's hard for me, as i want to be strong and assist her, but i can only go so far.

This will sound harsher then I mean it to be ......

But she needs to stop trying to be a hero and accept she needs a bit of help . The winter has a profound effect on me also infact most of the UK ..if it has got to this stage she needs to get to her GP and get some mild happy pills that will give her the serotonin ..I am not a huge lover of pills nor do I usually suggest them , I actually don't take anti depressants , but I am not married with a worried husband .. sometimes in life people need the help ..S.A.D is very real and very serious ..

This self pitying needs to stop

i'm such a mess, why do love me?

oh and HTP 5 ( think it is called that ) is a natural drug as opposed to prescription ..and you can get them from a health shop .

even though i'm not her Ex, perhaps sometimes she feels i may do the same things. e.g not giving her independance to spend time with friends, or away from me. This isn't an issue, as i want her to have a life outside of our marriage. We don't need to be around each other 24/7. She isn't happy in her job at the moment, as lots of her colleagues have moved on, and she misses them a lot.

that actually explains a lot. it's overwhelming starting life anew elsewhere and making new emotional investments that would sucessfully match the ones from home.

her ex has placed her in the subordinate role, but those relationships are symbiotic, they're not just one person's doing. an abusive partner is abusive, and it's not a conscious computation on the other's part to accept mistreatment, but the underlying belief that makes subordination possible is that we are indeed sub-humans in some regard. when i split from my jealous ex who isolated me, i suddenly found myself very anxious and panicky, realizing a whole lot of things in the outside world were sending me into a panic, i didn't feel up to relating to the outside world sucessfully, and that's when i relaized the ex's possessiveness was enabling me to project my tendency to avoid this societal relating and project it onto him. while it was true that he was isolating me, it was also true that this served a purpose for me in that it kept me safe from having to face my own reservations about connecting to the world. it's the same thing she's doing, you're not even remotely trying to isolate her, yet she projects her tendency to keep safe by isolating herself onto some potential future abusive partner (despite proof there isn't currently such a person in her life). if someone else is legit sabotaging me, then i don't have to admit i sabotage myself, nor investigate why i do it. that works for me (the general me) because i fear my reason for sabotaging myself will really be that i'm just a crap person, and who the duck could live with that self image. when there factually isn't a persecutory other present whom i can blame, i can't externalize my complex, so i implode. this manifests in developing mental and physical health issues. it's the body-mind illness that's sabotaging me now, that is to "blame".

pippy is right. this works for a while, that she is enabled to not function. but then she'll become resentful of being in the dependent position and you'll in time become resentful of having to pull her weight.

overly nice parents can make one just as insecure as overly critical ones (nature has seen to it that one can't do right as a parent lol). they keep her sheltered so she doesn't reach full individuation and then when full individuation is necessary for her to function in a new environment, she regressess and needs someone to keep her sheltered again.

she needs to be empowered, but it will require working with someone.

Agree, she needs a thorough exam from a physician to rule out physical problems, such as metabolic or hormonal problems and get a referral to a psychiatrist for therapy and follow up.

She needs to help herself be well and vitamins aren't the answer.

She doesn't want to talk to anyone else or her family, as she doesn't want to worrk them, and feels it's a waste of time paying someone who will say a few cliche questions. She is intelligent, and has studied some pyscology, but i really want her to talk to a Doctor, or maybe a professional who can help her.

Agree, she needs a thorough exam from a physician to rule out physical problems, such as metabolic or hormonal problems and get a referral to a psychiatrist for therapy and follow up.

 

She needs to help herself be well and vitamins aren't the answer.

Thanks everyone for the interesting feedback. She has agreed she will talk to someone, from speaking with her earlier today. I'm not sure though where to start, or who would be best?

A physician who can do a thorough workup for real medical problems and offer an appropriate treatment and referral. Vitamins and talk are nonsense if she has underlying problems.

She has agreed she will talk to someone, from speaking with her earlier today. I'm not sure though where to start, or who would be best?

Thank you Wiseman2, i will have a chat with her tonight, and arrange something asap.

I had a good talk with her, and she has agreed to speak to a professional.....when she's ready. I asked her to consider going to a Doctor first, just to make sure that she's ok physically, which she said she would but not just yet...

She does some limited exercise a few times a week, but besides that, her life isn't too complicated. She isn't doing anything like courses, or certifications, and besides work, she invests her time into chatting with her friends and books/tv shows. She has a few new close friends she likes to hang out with, who are all very liberal minded, and share the same things and beliefs. She has wanted to hang out with them a lot more recently, which is fine with me. I want her to have friends, but am a little concerned on their influenence over her, as her mood has changed in the last few months from happy and secure in her life to more sad, insecure, confusion and despression.

From talking to her today, she's feeling this way for a the last few months, and "feels at at dead end at the moment, and not feeling she will ever be her old happy self again". She said she know's it "BS" but cant stop feeling this way. Before she would always talk to me about having children, and was looking forward to trying for kids together and having a family home. The last few months she feels "not suitable/fit" to be a mother all of a sudden, and it's making her sad. I don't really know what to say to her hear. She said it's nothing to do with me, and loves me and thanks for my support and understanding, and apologises for "being a mess". Sometimes she said she can't be without me, and other times she justs wants to be alone away from everyone.