How i see myself

To start things off my name is iljano , 25 years of age will be 26 in a few months,

i'm you very average guy, shy and conserved. Most people tend to find me very kind and some even say talkative.

I'd say 35% time i feel very alive but the other 65% of the time i just feel like the world is gonna collapse on me my life wont mean anything

and everything i do or wanna try will fail.

there where a few days suicide even came to mind just because i couldn't take the pressure(weird i Know and crazy)

I have no loans i have a roof over my head i eat everyday yet life seem so useless to me i don't get why i cant understand people

and why they cant understand me.

Have to act everyday like i understand what everyone is saying even if it means nothing to me and i couldn't care less.

I'd really just wanna be a normal human as everyone said to me ( the people close to me ).

But i really don't know what normal in this world means....

what things that people say are meaningless to you?

are you disappointed in the system of values in society, where people's focus and interests lie? (thus you can't enterntain them on the subjects they bring up in conversation?)

you don't need to be "normal" if normal means ascribing the same importance to the same things as others do. but if you feel like the world offers little chance of obtaining satisfaction from things that are important to you, then you get depressed.

so what are the areas of interest that divide you from others/the world so much that you can't relate to them?

what things that people say are meaningless to you?

 

are you disappointed in the system of values in society, where people's focus and interests lie? (thus you can't enterntain them on the subjects they bring up in conversation?)

 

you don't need to be "normal" if normal means ascribing the same importance to the same things as others do. but if you feel like the world offers little chance of obtaining satisfaction from things that are important to you, then you get depressed.

 

so what are the areas of interest that divide you from others/the world so much that you can't relate to them?

I try not to divide myself from anything but when people start branding me i start thinking i should just give up this system is not working for me

i'm more into arts , technical work and mostly just being alone considering i don't fit in most crowds ( i have to litterly wear a mask of who i'm not just to make no one judge me for being to conserved or not speaking my mind)

It happens more when i'm at work i feel like if i don't ascribe myself to the system ill end up losing my job.

It happend a few times before i was called in the office just because i don't "speak" i don't "give my opinion" as it was said to me

Hench this feeling of i'm not normal came to be. ive had my fair share of jobs so far but every where i go its the same thing.

Why is being nice and speak when spoken to such a "TABOO" i mean if i have nothing to say why should i speak? if i already know your not listing to

my opinion why should i tell you? is it wrong to be conserved in thoughts?

When people tell me my attitude doesn't work in this world i sure keep on asking myself why ?

I had this one day at work a collega comes up to me and said people like me don't make it really far i just looked and asked why

he replied with a simple you don't talk much and speak your mind. and i just stood there wondering what is wrong with me or with this stupid world...

i hear ya on wearing a mask, i don't think it's necessarily a problem. you wear it not because you emotionally need to be accepted by those who don't welcome your indivuduality, but for practical reasons. and that's sane. it takes a while getting used to being in the world but not of it, to learn to do it elegantly, and to recognize that the effort isn't necessary because there's something wrong with you, but because you have to use the snowball method sometimes to bypass sheeple's rigid beliefs and standards they hold themselves and others to.

some people prefer to not talk much and personally i like to keep a lively conversation in my head, but not so much with others. also sometimes because it feels pointless, seeing as a lot of people are only ready to hear a repetition of their own thoughts.

but hey, they invited you to share your opinion so for practcal reasons, it would be beneficial if we could come up with ways for you to express yourself that don't have negative consequences for you. they need to be somewhat pacified on the issue, after all, you don't want to keep getting called in to the manager's office.

so there must have been experiences that convinced you it's better to not say anything, when people reacted negatively to your expressed opinion and that had real consequences for you. can you think back and remember a practical example or two? If you can't, you can try imagining something current they expect you to comment on, and imagine the negative outcome if you did.

then we can deduct from that what it is they need to hear to be able to accept your views respectfully, and what it is you need to be certain of before you're comfortable speaking.

putting yourself out there presents a risk for you- if you can identify the risk (the fear, that which is at stake- for example respect from others), you can plan to protect whatever is at stake.

not to derail with a personal example, i'm trying to illustrate an example of what can prevent a person from speaking their mind, and a course of action that may help alleviate the tension enough for the situation to not be depressing. hoping it gives you ideas how you could tackle your work issue, as mine is also at work.

at work, i am afraid to speak because i'm from a different field than my boss- she notices things i don't because i'm not trained to, and i notice things she hasn't been trained to spot. but if i try to point out something she missed, she gets furious screaming she's a professional. this is her response to everyone who raises something she hasn't spotted (this helps me not take it as a reflection on me personally, but it didn't quite help with the fact that i honestly couldn't accept that i was getting not even the minimal validation, although i do not see myself as a person who needs it excessively). because her self worth is so dependent on being the most capable person, that she must.not.allow.anyone.else.to.be.right. she'll put the "smartass" through hell. we work with patients in physical and mental health who are also in a vulnerable position financially and socially, so it is pivotal that their needs are recognized and met, and not who recognizes them. because she refuses to look at anything she hasn't noticed herself, people are left untreated and the consequences are dreadful for them. i'm in an ethical dilemma, and i feel rebellious and resentful to have to always play dumb in order to not trigger her complexes. so my solution so far has been to present my ideas as simply extrapolations of her ideas, with lots of validation for her. i give her credit for my insight because that's the only way she'll look at the client's problem, so then "the wolf (her ego) has been fed and the sheep (patients) are safe". i have taken up lots of solo projects that don't require me to work under her auspices, and in the absence of her, i am also not underappreciated and am allowed to be "competent", which soothes my emotional needs.

we actually have inside jokes about all of us having to be "dumb-dumber-dumberer" at meetings with her, but hey, it gets patients taken care of, and gives us a good laugh, thus recognizing we're not the "abnormal" ones. it has eased depressive and anxious feelings for a lot of us.

You need to at least try to be friendly and sociable, even if it's not your favorite thing. It's fine to be quiet or introverted but if you ignore people they will be wondering why.

What's wrong with some polite small talk? Is there a language or cultural problem?

Why is being nice and speak when spoken to such a "TABOO" i mean if i have nothing to say why should i speak? i just stood there wondering what is wrong with me or with this stupid world...

for the most i can relate your your words and ways of tactical use of what actions you take to get the job done

For the most part i just play dumberererer everyday just so i don't get noticed at all. Job done i go home my emotional pool recharges and i just go about life.

to come back on what you said earlier i did say my thoughts and opinion once and they were mis interpreted and i got so mad i just asked the chief director if my response and opinion were wrong?! in his eyes and i was very polite not using rude words just common simple words. He also mis interpreted my thoughts and didn't understand why i said what i said instead he got mad and said if i had thought my life path and had made a decision on what position i want to gain in the company because i'm a bright young man but he does not see me in a really motivated state when he comes around to check on all the workers. i got pretty upset in my mind that day and lost it. I just polity asked the chief director "Does this mean i will lose my job? just because i'm silent and not as talkative as the other works or is it because i'm slow at understanding what people say?"

His reaction was ( to put it simple):

"i said nothing about losing your job?! You want to earn more money don't you?

i see you reaching you managers level or even higher"

To be honest in the back of my head i was confused and pretty angry i mean i did nothing wrong all work for the day had been done it was just a nice day and me just sitting there having to hear all words being thrown at me like i don't want a job and what not i mean our clients don't even complain about me i always smile i always treat everyone with respect yet i'm the "sore foot" the "Odd Man Out".

wearing these masked faces just makes my life less annoying but at the same time it makes you feel insecure at least myself because what if they see thru it one day that pretty much scares me and having to find a job again in this country is like chopping your foot off and saying you can walk freely ( i live in south america)

You need to at least try to be friendly and sociable, even if it's not your favorite thing. It's fine to be quiet or introverted but if you ignore people they will be wondering why.

 

What's wrong with some polite small talk? Is there a language or cultural problem?

No there is nothing wrong with social small talk.

Its more like i can talk to people and i do. but see it like this

"were talking about the color red"

i say i like blue

you say you like red

and tell me why.

when you ask me about what you liked about red i could tell you 80% of what you said but when i ask what i liked about blue you remember maby 10 or 0,1% and when i sense this. i mostly just shut the whole talk cause it leads to no where ,and that's my point people wanna talk but no one is actually listing to anything your saying.

oooh this is becoming clearer. the guy is trying to shove you up the ladder because he sees you as very competentent for the job. he also recognizes that justifying that position being offered to you, he needs the sheeple to support you a bit. maybe they're likely to complain "Him? Why is HE getting promoted? He hardly speaks, he's not a team player, etc" and the guy is thinking he needs your professional skills for the job more than your polite chit chat-- but he needs to feed the wolves too so that you and him don't get bit. you two are silencing their only objection of you being a lonewolf by the slight effort it takes to voice an opinion or two. maybe he has supervisors of his own who haven't seen your skill in action like he has and they are likely to misjudge your level of performance based your reserved nature. is it a position where you'd lead a team? that would explain why they want you comfortable asserting and expressing yourself.

i would start expressing safer opinions first. or, if your assessment of something is drastically different than theirs, sandwich it between two remarks that validate them. "i think it's an excellent point you brought up about____ . however i see another aspect which is (here the drastically different opinion). i really like the idea about ________ though, i would love to hear more about it, it sounds like something we could make excellent use of."

a little ego stroking, a little individuation, a massive ego cuddle. people are suckers dude, it works.

oooh this is becoming clearer. the guy is trying to shove you up the ladder because he sees you as very competentent for the job. he also recognizes that justifying that position being offered to you, he needs the sheeple to support you a bit. maybe they're likely to complain "Him? Why is HE getting promoted? He hardly speaks, he's not a team player, etc" and the guy is thinking he needs your professional skills for the job more than your polite chit chat-- but he needs to feed the wolves too so that you and him don't get bit. you two are silencing their only objection of you being a lonewolf by the slight effort it takes to voice an opinion or two. maybe he has supervisors of his own who haven't seen your skill in action like he has and they are likely to misjudge your level of performance based your reserved nature. is it a position where you'd lead a team? that would explain why they want you comfortable asserting and expressing yourself.

 

i would start expressing safer opinions first. or, if your assessment of something is drastically different than theirs, sandwich it between two remarks that validate them. "i think it's an excellent point you brought up about____ . however i see another aspect which is (here the drastically different opinion). i really like the idea about ________ though, i would love to hear more about it, it sounds like something we could make excellent use of."

 

a little ego stroking, a little individuation, a massive ego cuddle. people are suckers dude, it works.

 

 

 

haha i just wanna take life easy i don't feel like i'm on that level yet to lead a team( yet if i don't try i wont know) but i just don't feel the need to push my self NOW (maby when i feel more competent for that job i will)

 

Just don't like being pushed for things i feel i'm not ready for. Funny things is the manager just made me project leader under his supervision last weeks so i'm still being pushed to my limits here. bit annoying but ill give it a whirl.....

 

Hope they at least understand this will not make me a talkative person towards them. I'm the get the job done guy not the smal talk here and there and friends making guy...

Being resistant and passive-aggressive is often why people loose their jobs, hopefully they are just warning you and not already considering firing you. Being unfriendly or arrogant won't get you too far.

i just wanna take life easy. Just don't like being pushed for things i feel i'm not ready for. i'm still being pushed to my limits here.

will he or another experienced member be guiding you for a while at the new position? if that hasn't been offered, you can legit ask for it. staff are to be mentored.

it doesn't reflect badly on you that you'd like to wait until you trust yourself you can do a job well. it could well be presented as wanting to be responsible and minimize the risk of mucking up important work. so you could tell him that you're very grateful and honored that he trusts you with the position, but that in order for you to accept it with motivation rather than reservations, it would help if you had a transitional period of tutoring before it's left to you only. you emphasize you'd like to do the job, but that you hold yourself to the standard of doing it well and responsibly. you take it seriously, so just want to be on the safe side of things and make sure you're able to do it well.

in the following stage, as project leader, you can pick out bright and reliable members of your team whom you tutuor the same so that you can decrease some of the burden by delegating it. it also proves you can do team work and team building because you're empowering your staff.

Being resistant and passive-aggressive is often why people loose their jobs, hopefully they are just warning you and not already considering firing you. Being unfriendly or arrogant won't get you too far.

wel i assure you i'm not arrogant or unfriendly.

just being conserved and speaking when spoken too seems to make people mad for some stupid reason.

Thanks. wel im just to insecure about everything ive only been working here like 7 months now going on my 8 month now so its all moving a bot fast.

that's a short time to progress in, it just means they've recognized strenghts in you that you haven't spottet in yourself yet. you'll do great drop by to update us if it helps!

i will lets just see what happens next..

Hey sorry guys for the long wait, i quite the old job, it was taking a toll in my health so i just quite it and found myself back in an IT position at another firm for IT administration and Network implementation.

So far so good and everyone here is pretty easy going.... i dont see this job taking to much of a toll on my health this time