My mother is toxic and i want to leave

First of all a little background. I am the only child of the family and my parents were divorced when I was rather young (5-6 years old), and I live with my mother.

I don't have contact with my father since 10-12 (don't really remember). My mother works as a teacher in primary school and supports the family's finance (basically just the two of us).

Before I say anything, I want to make a disclaimer that I appreciate and respect the hard work my mother offered to the family, I am well provided, as least materially.

Now I want to talk about why she is toxic.

She is a "strong and independent woman" I think, from how she handles work and provide for the family, but she is giving me tremendous pressure and negative emotion that I can take no more.

I am very tired now and I don't wish to type a long history of my family relationship, I will just talk about what happens recently.

She is always negative towards me, and carry a lot of negative emotion. I know work could be hard and she herself is pressured, but that does not justify how she "transfer" this negativity towards me. She would pick on me at the slightest things. One day I forgot to switch off the light of the kitchen after I have used it (I cooked my lunch and she came back near dinner time, so lights were left on for a few hours), she immediately roared at me shouting how irresponsible I am and how much money I am wasting (actually our family is not poor in case you wonder), at that point I don't even want to say anything, yes that wasn't a "right" thing to do but nor that a very wrong thing.

Another case is one day she found water on one of our "wok" (Chinese cooking tool, you can google it if you want), and she asked me if I have used it recently, I said: "I didn't even touched that." I whispered to myself Why is it on me again?" but she heard that, she turned full mad mode and yelled at me how I am disrespectful and don't appreciate her sacrifice, how I don't "repay" her good deeds.

She also likes to control me, I think. She likes to set strange rules and force me to accept it, and goes full mad mode when she thinks I am not following the rules. For example, I have my computer in my room, and she made such a rule that I cannot close the door of my room if I am using the computer. I never actually agreed to that but she thinks I agreed anyway. And sometimes if she is not in a good mood (plus I have closed the door) she would yelled at me Why do you have the door closed again!!?!?!?", then keep on saying how I am a liar and don't keep my promise (like I said, I never really promised her), she put it to a totally ethical level and condemn me.

She also dislikes me playing computer games (for the record I'm 21 and will graduate from university soon). Before you ask, I am not the "loser gamer playing in the basement" type person, first we don't have a basement, second I rank first in my department, getting good grades is never a problem to me, I play when I want to relax. But she always find reasons to condemn me for playing. She likes to talk about how this is not good for my eyes. OK, this I can agree, staring at computer monitor for a long time is not good for your eyes, I am not arguing against that, but she would always over-exaggerate it and get angry very easily.

Just earlier today, I played for 1 hour, and I planned to rest and do some more reading later. But before that could happen, she was already on me and speak in a very "annoyed" tone :

"Why don't you rest?" I replied that I actually have keep watch of the time and I am going to "rest my eyes", she wasn't impressed by my answer, and went full mad mode again, yelling will see when you are going to be blind! You just don't listen to me!" and bla bla bla. I didn't argue, because any reply would get her even more mad. I am not kidding, there are times she make wrong judgement and when I remind her I didn't do such and such she would turn the focus to my "moral attitude", saying I am "disobeying her" and condemn me morally.

Each day I am getting huge pressure from her fear doing anything that might makes her angry, I really hate her mad mode and I don't want to talk to her anymore. I know she provide for the family and I appreciate that, but I also fear I may get mental problems soon. Whenever I have emotion i am wrong, but she is also justified to have anger, my feelings and thought are neglected. I want to leave the family, live my own life.

ps: I come from Hong Kong. Sorry if my English isn't good.

Unfortunately you have to live by her rules, even if they don't make sense, while you live there. Luckily, you say you're graduating from university soon, so I would concentrate on that and making a plan to move out once you secure employment. In the meantime, I'd spend as little time as possible at home. If you have a laptop, are there other places you could study and play video games?

Once you have moved out, it doesn't mean you have to be treated with toxicity by your mother. If she treats you poorly, it means you can walk out of her house or ask her to leave your house, or hang up the phone. I'd teach her that if she isn't pleasant to you, she will lose the pleasure of your company. You're an adult now, and remember that it's your decision, no one else's, what career you choose and who your lifetime partner is. Nobody else has the right to make those decisions for you. Tell them you appreciate their input, but you're going to go with your choice. Good luck.

MC24.

I am glad to hear you will be graduating soon, and I would recommend you move out and get your own accommodation.

Rules are one thing, but being abusive quite another.

You know, and speaking generally, I read posts like your MC, and I swear I still cannot understand how there are parents like that. I just can't. Both my parents worked hard, no doubt had their worries, but geeze they never yelled at us, or put on the guilt trip (how I sacrifice everything for you!!), or any kind of demeaning talk.

MC24.

 

I am glad to hear you will be graduating soon, and I would recommend you move out and get your own accommodation.

 

Rules are one thing, but being abusive quite another.

 

You know, and speaking generally, I read posts like your MC, and I swear I still cannot understand how there are parents like that. I just can't. Both my parents worked hard, no doubt had their worries, but geeze they never yelled at us, or put on the guilt trip (how I sacrifice everything for you!!), or any kind of demeaning talk.

Like Hermes, I never quite understand parents who belittle their children and say they should be inherently grateful for everything they've ever done for them, making them feel guilty. Yes you're under her roof and have respect for her. BUT, and this is a huge BUT - she should also respect you too. You work hard, you relax by means of playing computer games and so long as you're fulfilling your role within the household, then I can't see a problem. In all honesty, it can be frustrating having kids (I've got 2 teens) and there are times when you get a bit ratty (I suggested to my 15 year old just now that maybe she should tidy up her radioactive pigsty of a bedroom) but hey, in the grand scheme of things, we all have to live together and get on in this world and getting stroppy at anything and everything does no-one any good.

I'm glad to see you're graduating soon..... maybe you could take the opportunity until then to look for somewhere else to live. Not necessarily go solo, but house/flat/room share until you get your feet under the table in a job and can afford somewhere of your very own. Then it's ultimately your choice as to how much time you spend with your mother.

Good luck with everything X

Very nicely put, Skelly.

In fact belittling, demeaning and yelling does far more harm that striking a person.

The more I read such things the more I realise how terrific, patient and udnerstanding my parents were. I used to think everyone's parents were the same, but over the years what I've heard and read has given me a rude awakening I tell you.

Sure there were rules in our house, but they were implemented with a very light hand on the reins. But we sure knew those rules were there!

Very nicely put, Skelly.

 

In fact belittling, demeaning and yelling does far more harm that striking a person.

 

The more I read such things the more I realise how terrific, patient and udnerstanding my parents were. I used to think everyone's parents were the same, but over the years what I've heard and read has given me a rude awakening I tell you.

 

Sure there were rules in our house, but they were implemented with a very light hand on the reins. But we sure knew those rules were there!

Thank you X Life is too short - kids are under enough pressure without us making them feel worse. Home should be their sanctuary X

If you are 21 and she is insisting you leave your door open, that is controlling behaviour. At your age you have a right to some privacy. When you are living in her house, she can make the rules, but if those rules are not reasonable then you also have a right to question their relevance. You do not mention your father much, but if your mother is that controlling, maybe that is part of the reason for the divorce and the fact you don't have contact with him.... maybe something to think about.

Yes, I agree with the other posters, you should try to move out. If she knows you are looking for somewhere else to live, and she actually likes you living with her ( but too proud to admit it ) , it may make her change her attitude towards you. ( just don't let her guilt-trip you into staying ) . Don't have a shouting argument with her about " I'm gonna move out "... but a more reasonable discussion about how you are growing up and need to be a bit more independent, also that just because you are planning to move out, it isn't because you don't want to see her, just that you need to start taking more responsibilities for your self, you need to do some growing up too.

I grew up in the time before "toxic" was used to describe relationship conflicts. Your situation sounds like one about house rules. Your mother sets the house rules and enforces them. It's not about mutual agreement. What you describe sounds like the way I was raised. Sometimes I was accused of things I didn't do, but arguing or having an attitude at that moment did not help the situation. It would be great if your mother were more perfect, and she may feel the same, it might make it all feel smoother. The rules came from both parents in my house, including their frustration about lights being left on, tools not being cared for, money not grown on trees, ruining my eyes (pre-computer days, so it was about watching TV or reading with poor lighting). So what you describe does not strike me as toxic.

There are valid reasons for her wanting the door open when you are using the computer. NOT because you have done anything, but to help her be aware of things, which is the role of a parent.

Your mother is a tough mother, but that doesn't mean it is a poisonous relationship or abusive or dangerous. You are also dependent, wanting independence, which is normal, and are taking her rules personally, which is also normal, but not required. The rules are about the responsibility she feels, about the things she is concerned about, and are not about making you suffer.

 

There are valid reasons for her wanting the door open when you are using the computer. NOT because you have done anything, but to help her be aware of things, which is the role of a parent.

 

 

Absolute rubbish! The OP is 21 fgs. I will tell you now I never walk into my daughters room without knocking, even when the door is open. Ever. It's called respect.

 

Absolute rubbish! The OP is 21 fgs. I will tell you now I never walk into my daughters room without knocking, even when the door is open. Ever. It's called respect.

She lives with her mother, her mother has probably heard scary stories about online activity and young people getting in over their heads, her mother has limited time and energy, her mother is doing what she can. Her mother is not SkellyWoozle. I'm sorry you feel a need to call it "rubbish" when it is a different approach, a different household, different house rules. 21 or not, the OP is dependent upon her mother, living in her mother's house with her mother's house rules.

Well said. skelly.

Of course there have to be rules. No one says otherwise. But belittling and demeaning do not come under "rules".

Thanks TBfromuk for a thoughtful and balanced post.

However, as OP described:

"...and don't appreciate her sacrifice, how I don't "repay" her good deeds."

I don't see a quiet discussion as being very viable with a person like this.

and let us remember the OP is 21, not 11.

Also, putting clothes on the offpsring's back and food on the table is NOT enough. A lot more goes, or should go, into parenting.....and it is not just me saying it.

First of all thank you all for the support and kind words.

btw I want to add that i am a male...

Its actually more than enforcing house-rules, imagine your interest or thought never asked, your achievement never approved, and just not opening the door when she's at bad mood get you a good amount of yelling. I have to admit I'm sort of scared of her actually.

And yes, I plan to move out--- But its not that simple in HK, as apartments are insanely expensive. Its very likely I will continue my studies oversea though, getting a masters degree, if that happens i will have a year alone... After that...I don't know.

I will tell you now I never walk into my daughters room without knocking, even when the door is open. Ever. It's called respect.

That's fine. I never walked into my son's rooms without knocking either, even when the door is open. However, in our house the TV and computer were in a our living room (we had one of each) not behind closed doors. Our house was small, our funds limited, so those were shared devices, and as a parent, it made it easier to keep aware of things. For my kids, it was probably a frustration.

Well said. skelly.

 

Of course there have to be rules. No one says otherwise. But belittling and demeaning do not come under "rules".

 

Thanks TBfromuk for a thoughtful and balanced post.

 

However, as OP described:

 

"...and don't appreciate her sacrifice, how I don't "repay" her good deeds."

 

I don't see a quiet discussion as being very viable with a person like this.

 

and let us remember the OP is 21, not 11.

 

Also, putting clothes on the offpsring's back and food on the table is NOT enough. A lot more goes, or should go, into parenting.....and it is not just me saying it.

I concur (not that I'm the perfect parent either ) but being a parent - indeed, a decent human being - is about having respect, consideration and an ability to be objective yet caring and having a nurturing nature towards others. I don't get that impression here.

I want to add that i am a male...

Its actually more than enforcing house-rules, imagine your interest or thought never asked, your achievement never approved, and just not opening the door when she's at bad mood get you a good amount of yelling. I have to admit I'm sort of scared of her actually.

Well, I was in your shoes, so I can sympathize. But I am older and have an understanding of how my mother was parented and her concerns as a parent and breadwinner. Don't take it personally. And be attentive of what you do.

I moved out at 18, though, and valued my independence.

Me neither, Skelly.

One can parent, surely, without yelling, belittling, demeaning, putting on the guilt trip, ......children/offspring/people are not mules or animals to be yelled at.

these are good essays on the topic.

Ah, the old toxic parents, the story of my life.

I left home when I was 15 because I couldnt handle living at home with my parents, for me it was the best thing I could do but it also came with new problems. But there was only so much biting my tongue I could do and there comes to a point where you have to make a decision. Your mother sounds like she is really angry, not with you but within herself, you just happen to be the focus of her anger, she probably has to put up with kids all day given her job but that doesnt justify her bringing her work home with her and laying it on you.

Seeing as you are 21 maybe its time to give thought to leaving, renting a place of your own will be expensive based on what you are saying here, another option would be to see if any friends are willing to share and split the bills or you could look for people advertising to share an apartment and split the bills too

Please work out how to get out of the house and on your own. Most parents NEED for their kid to fly free on their own in order to make that transition mentally from "This is still my baby" to "Oh, that's a young adult right there, I need to treat them as such."

Should it come to that, no? But many parents, mine included, will not see you as a fully grown responsible adult until you no longer live with them and you've proven yourself to be independent and capable. Yes, she's stressed. Yes, she's irritated by things and yells about it. Yes, she's paranoid as blip about Internet predators and as a mother I get that.

The problem is she does not see you as a legal adult, because frankly you're still living in her house and depending on her as a child would. So she sees you as a child. And it's her house, her rules. I think she's handling it in a harsh manner, but do you work and contribute to the household? Do you also pay part of the bills and do you clean and help around the house? If the answer is no, then there's the problem. If you insist on acting like you're still a child then yes, she will continue to treat you like one. She's probably not even aware she is, but at 21 if you live with and don't contribute to the household in a fully adult manner - not just a chore here or there like a 10-year-old would have - then it's little wonder she still treats you like a child.

In all honesty if you were my child you would have been told to move out when you were 18 and I'd have been working with you a good solid four years before that on a plan for independence, so that you could transition to adulthood without still being dependent on me by the age of 21 in any way. And I'm proud to say every one of my kids has done that, no issues. So some of this is on you too, because you should already have been gone. And some of it's on her, because she should have been encouraging you to leave by the time you were a legal adult.

Together you are both going to have to find a way to make that transition. Or this dynamic has little hope of changing.

Dear god my lassie is 17 , she would laugh at me if I told her she had to leave her door open when she is on her lap top ...

But anyway ...sounds to me like your mum has a few issues , when her and your father divorced she quite possibly had to grasp the roll of mum and dad to such a degree that letting you go , having your freedom , being a man ...is too far out of her comfort zone and she cannot let go of the need to control you , because for as long as she has the upper hand , she has you ....it is scary when our babies are suddenly adults !!

That said ..as parents we have to suck it up and accept you do all grow up , and never NEVER make our children feel guilty or like they owe us . You sound a lovely young man and for all she has done to you one thing she has done right ..is raise you into this wonderful person that you are now .

MC24.

"I don't wish to type a long history of my family relationship,"·

One can understand that. You are now 21, but what was your childhood like? and would you like, somehow, to locate your father?

Sadly whatever wrath she feels for your father "abandoning her" she is taking out on you, because you are there and dependent, thus a handy target.. She is neurotic, lonely, angry and yes, toxic.

Disengage as much as possible emotionally financially,etc. You may have to share a house/apt with people, etc. but get yourself out.

Living like a couple with your mother is her sick dynamic and you're right, it will make you mentally ill. It's called "folie a deux", google it.

When I lived in my divorced Mom's home, I wish I understood how to break the cycle of hostility. When Mom reacted badly to a situation, rather than diffusing that with some strategy, I'd turn hostile myself. That IS a toxic cycle, but I could have played it smarter to reverse it.

The only real power a dependent owns is the foresight to use strategy. That requires laying a foundation rather than just using manipulative tactics 'sometimes'. So the goal is to change Mom's overall perception of you as an adversary.

Instead of silently seething or throwing back a hostile response to a criticism, start saying, "I understand, Mom. I'm sorry about that, and I won't do it again." If you offer a kind response to unimportant mistakes, you'll not only diffuse that one spin, you'll start buying yourself future advantages.

Pick Your Battles. Give up some to get some. If you meet EVERY criticism with hostility, then Mom anticipates your resistance to Every Thing. So teach her the opposite. Show her different behavior than she expects from you. Teach her that you've learned how to concede graciously on some things, and make it 'safe' for her to do the same with you.

When you can be understanding about small stuff, "I'm sorry, Mom. I know it matters to you, and I'll try to be more careful..." then you're laying a foundation of trust that you can be reasonable. The 'appearance' of being reasonable is more important than actually being reasonable. The more often you can agree and offer sympathy, the more likely she will view the RARE disagreement from you as something to consider in your favor.

Mom will still spin negative for a while--don't get discouraged. Just be persistent. The less automatic YOU become in your negativity, the less automatic SHE will become in her stance against you. It's a smarter investment of your energy and focus than viewing yourself as a powerless victim. You'll 'win' more power, and you will thank yourself later.

Head high.