6 Year Break Up, Advice?

So this is a pretty long one but I will try to cut it down. I was recently dumped by my girlfriend of 6 years (me 23, her 24). Honestly it came out of the blue for me, I know a lot of people say that but it seriously did. A bit of background we met when she went to University in the city that I am from. Met her out drinking and we hit it off immediately, spent that night with her and stayed up all night talking and we both agreed it felt like we had known each other forever. Situation changed in the last two years in that she moved to another city for a job once she finished University, she was about 1 hour 30 away at this point. I struggled with it more than she did at first but I got through it and honestly we had 6 years of happiness, some arguments but nothing major. I finished University this year and have since been searching for work in the city that she moved to. I have now found a job there after she broke me off (Ironic right).

So now what I am struggling with, firstly when she broke it off she did it via text message out of no where. After 6 years this hurt immensely and felt like I had been side swiped with no warning. Additionally she did it at a time that was late in the evening so that I would not be able to make the drive to her place. The next day I asked her if I could drive down to talk about this face to face, she agreed however stated she had already made her mind up and nothing I could say would change that, which I accepted but found strange that after 6 years she would not even consider what I had to say. Once I got there to speak with her I was upset and did beg her for a chance (it sounds bad I know but I haven't even contacted her since so one instance of begging cant be too bad right?). She told me she had been feeling off for the last 3 months.

(Ok this part sounds a bit silly but I need to emphasize how shocking this was) I asked a series of questions trying to understand the last 3 months. Firstly why she could not tell me, she replied that it was her feelings and nothing that I could of done would changed those, therefore telling me was pointless. I then asked why 3 weeks prior she pushed me into booking and paying for a trip to Amsterdam for our anniversary, which was in 2 months time. Her reply to this was I thought I would feel better by then, which I find complete nonsense. Then I asked her why 2 DAYS before the break up when I asked her if we were all good she told me "Yeah its perfect I promise, I am just tired from work. Thanks for caring enough to ask that is really nice" and why the night before she broke up she sent me a random text that only contained a love heart? Her response was that she was in autopilot mode and just said/did what felt right. Finally I asked her why she intiated sex, whilst I was half asleep the week before the break up when I saw her if she has felt this way for a while. She replied I was just trying to be a good girlfriend, which again is BS. She went through a variety of different reasons for the break up, jumping from one to the other. The one that stood out was that we were 18/19 when we met and she wants to experience other things, from looking stuff up this seems to be a case of GIGS (Grass is greener syndrome) in that she just wants to play the field and see if there is anything better, further reinforced by the fact she said "I am not ruling us out in the future I still love you and care for you on some level". Sorry for this paragraph but I just need to lay out how nonsensical this whole thing is and I honestly do not believe this a 3 month decision.

So basically my situation now, I have not contacted her for a month (30 days tomorrow) and honestly I am not sure what my next step should be. I have been everywhere between a wreck to a determined person who is focusing on himself. I am making a lot of self improvement, working out more, started new hobbies, found a new job. I have looked up multiple different programs and self help coaches and my main issue is the conflicting advice. They all agree no contact is the way to go which amazingly I have achieved so far. However after this point half say that I should build a positive relationship again by contacting her and making positive interactions (not around the relationship but make it feel good to talk to me again). While the other half advocate never breaking no contact and letting her be the one to do so, let go of hope and begin to move on as much as possible. Both of these options bring negatives and positives and I am seriously confused which way to go. I know that love is a drug and I am probably addicted to her but on another level I feel like she is the one for me, I just wish I was the one for her and she could see that like she did for the last 6 years. The issue with contacting her and building positive interactions is am I really moving on at that point? I am scared that I will try for 3 months then get blown off again and be back to square one. On the other hand never breaking no contact is scary in that will I regret not at least trying at some point to see if this was fixable. Additionally she owes me £3000 that I used to pay off her debts about 2-3 year ago and has a brand new £750 TV in her flat that I bought under the premise that I would be living with her soon. This presents another issue of do I push for these things back? Will that make me appear petty and ruin any future chances? At the same time why should she be allowed to sit pretty with an easy life that I provided her when she treats me the way she has?

Sorry for this super long post but any and all advice is greatly appreciated as I am at a major cross roads and need to make a decision.

Thanks for your time.

I think maintaining no contact is a good idea. Until you are prepared to withstand stone cold rejection without flinching, you aren't ready to open the channels of communication again. It will just interrupt your healing.

The reasons why she broke up with you are less important than the fact that she wanted out. It's nice to have reasons, and it's even nicer if they are clear and explainable, but they're a courtesy. Closure doesn't come through analysis; it comes through letting go of the need to know.

As far as the money goes, if you reach out to her JUST to collect the cash then it will obliterate any chance at reconciliation you might have had. Even if you bring it up in casual conversation, it will cause her to question your motives for reaching out. If you are ready to admit you're done with the relationship and just want your money back, and if you think there's a chance she can and will actually pay you back, perhaps talking to her could be productive. But for your own peace of mind and hers, it might be better to just cut your losses.

Most men don't see the signs, because they don't use their intuition. As she said, she felt "off" three months prior.

I hate to break it to you, but once a woman breaks up with you, it's because she has fallen out of love with you and there is no going back, she'll always see you the way she does right now (no interest). This is not the movies. Don't feel too bad, love is a woman's realm, they call most of the shots.

It will be tough for awhile but eventually you'll get over this woman. Time is the great healer. In the meantime, accept it and move on, date others, and you'll get over it quicker. If you try to talk to her, you'll be back at square one and have to start the healing process all over again.

Most men don't see the signs, because they don't use their intuition. As she said, she felt "off" three months prior.

 

I hate to break it to you, but once a woman breaks up with you, it's because she has fallen out of love with you and there is no going back, she'll always see you the way she does right now (no interest). This is not the movies. Don't feel too bad, love is a woman's realm, they call most of the shots.

 

It will be tough for awhile but eventually you'll get over this woman. Time is the great healer. In the meantime, accept it and move on, date others, and you'll get over it quicker. If you try to talk to her, you'll be back at square one and have to start the healing process all over again.

This.

If we leave because our feelings have changed, that's pretty much the end for good.

Thanks for all the advice, honestly I thought the same that I need to just try to forget about her and move on. The issue I have is when we split she said "I still love and care about you a lot and I am not ruling out something happening with us in the future as these 6 years have been amazing". That line is whats got my heart stuck because it difficult to move on when she says theres still a chance, I told her if she is just saying that to soften the blow then please don't to which she replied she is being completely honest and would tell me if she was not. Just feels like shes broke up with me but trying to keep me sweet so that I wont push for belongings or move on?

Hi, just reading your thread... Hurts like hell and from what I can gather your in the UK... Just going through a marriage break up so know your feelings...

Feel free to send us a private message, I have a little fb group which is really helpful. I started it a few months back.

Anyway feel free to update and good luck with your healing.

Just do things day to day, one step at a time.

Goat

Sorry to hear this, agree it sounds like gigs the way she was hemming and hawing. You have the right to collect the debt, but the tv may be seen as a gift.

she owes me £3000 that I used to pay off her debts about 2-3 year ago and has a brand new £750 TV in her flat that I bought under the premise that I would be living with her soon.

I think sense she has moved to a new city she is wanting to move on even tho its been 6 years. Good luck out there and do not break the no contact w/ her.

I mean I do not think its the other city thing, she has lived there for 2 years now and we have worked through that a long time ago. As for the TV there is no way she can claim its a gift we literally agreed that I bought it as I would be moving there in the next few months.

Hey, honestly dont use this site much but FB group sounds like it could help, anyway I can get in?

"I still love and care about you a lot and I am not ruling out something happening with us in the future as these 6 years have been amazing".

It's common to fixate on what the other person says around the time a relationship ends. Pay more attention to her actions than her words. Is she acting loving? Is she acting like she wants you in her life? If not, then the words she said are meaningless.

Thanks for all the advice, honestly I thought the same that I need to just try to forget about her and move on. The issue I have is when we split she said "I still love and care about you a lot and I am not ruling out something happening with us in the future as these 6 years have been amazing". That line is whats got my heart stuck because it difficult to move on when she says theres still a chance, I told her if she is just saying that to soften the blow then please don't to which she replied she is being completely honest and would tell me if she was not. Just feels like shes broke up with me but trying to keep me sweet so that I wont push for belongings or move on?

I think she was playing nice because she doesn't want to have to repay the debt.

If you send me a private message I can add you to the group...Ive tried to send you one but it says your not accepting private messages?.

UPDATE

So I recently went for a job interview job that was in her city (which I was planning to move to anyway). I got offered the job and I (probably stupidly) decided to go see her as my emotions were running high from the stress of the interview and the joy of success. So during my no contact period I have been extremely active, gym 5 days a week, swimming, MMA and running. She immediately noticed a difference in me when she saw me. We started talking for the most part of the conversation it was pleasant with some laughing/joking. However I (again stupidly) asked her for the reason why she could not talk to me about our issues before executing our relationship, she said she was so sorry she did not and that she has no good excuse. I then told her about all of the success I was having in life in terms of fitness and career prospects, I told her I am a changed person and that the results are evidence of that, she retorted with these changes have only been present a month, this caught me off guard as if she did not care about me at all now why would she kick my accomplishments down? She then started to get upset/angry claiming that she was frustrated that it took this to make me into the person she knew I could be and always wanted me to be. Going onto ask why was she not enough when we were together to motivate me to lead this life? I told her that she was but I was complacent and I can understand her frustrations around my previous life style. This again led to confusion as I am/was not sure why she would be frustrated if she in fact had no feelings for me anymore? I may be wrong on all this and clinging but it felt like it pointed to if I prove that I am this changed person (which I really am and plan to continue to be) there may be something there? Again I do not want to live in hope for her and know I need to let go the NEED for her and see if I still WANT her when my self improvements continue.

It got to a point where she admitted that a big reason for the break up was my lack of ambition, she told me she discussed it with her mother after the breakup and she agreed that I lacked ambition and drive. Basically I am not sure if me going to see her caused more harm than good? I know it broke the no contact etc but she saw my new ambition and drive, she knows that I have just been given an amazing job where I am out shining her in my first year. She said she would love to stay in contact as friends, I told her I do not think that is a good idea as I still want more that that and do not want to be "friend zoned" to which she replied with a story about her brother and his now wife breaking up and staying in touch and now they are married. This again made me think why is she telling me this story unless she really does see a future? (I over analyse everything I know) My departure was amicable with a hug on the door step and her giving me a kiss on the cheek, where she said (in a joking manner) "You only came here to show off huh? Go out there and make me proud".

So yeah basically I know going to see her was stupid, it gave me answers but has also made me more confused about our future, she finally said she would love to keep in touch and she still is not ruling us out (I know I cant live on this). One final issue is that she mentioned the money that she owed me and I told her well ideally I would like it back in a lump sum as it was lent as a lump sum, she stated if I did that she would be forced to move out of her apartment when her lease expired and move into a 8 person house share which would cause her huge stress with work etc, however last night she posted pictures online of her out drinking etc. Basically do I stay the nice guy and support her while she is struggling financially at the risk of being stepped on, or do I take back the money and probably forever attach myself to negative connotations?

'It got to a point where she admitted that a big reason for the break up was my lack of ambition, she told me she discussed it with her mother after the breakup and she agreed that I lacked ambition and drive.'

Really? I'd have a word with your mother about that. Your ex gf has somebody else in tow, sorry to be blunt. In terms of the money she 'owes' you I think you'll find in UK law that unless there's a signature on a piece of paper from her saying that she'll pay it back to you, then basically it's been gifted to her. If the TV was bought by you, and you have a receipt with your name/credit card on it, then tell her you'll be coming around to collect it on a given date and if there's any problems with this you'll treat it as theft and call the police.

In the future don't be so gullible, she's not being honest with you in the least in my opinion. I would not just hand over large sums of money to women without paperwork in place, and for your own safety with UK property prices the way they are only ever have your name on the deeds/mortgage. Also, please don't get taken in by 'get your girlfriend back in thirty days' websites, they're all scams. Learn from this, become a stronger person, and find someone new.

It was not my mother she spoke with it was her own. I have thought that a few times myself that she has basically left me for someone else, however when I asked her about this she basically swore on her yet to be born niece that there was no one else. I know this does not make it true but if she is lying that is pretty dark/messed up.

She makes no qualms that she owes me the money I am certain that if I push for it she will pay it back, again could be wrong but I am pretty sure I am right.

Not going to lie I have been tempted by a few of such website/programmes but have yet to succumb I already am becoming a better and stronger person I just wish that she could be apart of it. It is the fact that she got upset/frustrated by my self improvements make me hang onto hope that if she sees these are for good she may have a change of heart.

Of course she's annoyed you made all these changes when she broke up with you. She probably begged you to do so for years. So, of course it seems very much like a short-term thing to her.

I'd stop contacting her for a few months. Dumpers may not be in love post-breakup, but they can certainly feel bitter.

It was not my mother she spoke with it was her own. I have thought that a few times myself that she has basically left me for someone else, however when I asked her about this she basically swore on her yet to be born niece that there was no one else. I know this does not make it true but if she is lying that is pretty dark/messed up.

 

She makes no qualms that she owes me the money I am certain that if I push for it she will pay it back, again could be wrong but I am pretty sure I am right.

 

Not going to lie I have been tempted by a few of such website/programmes but have yet to succumb I already am becoming a better and stronger person I just wish that she could be apart of it. It is the fact that she got upset/frustrated by my self improvements make me hang onto hope that if she sees these are for good she may have a change of heart.

My mistake, thought she was speaking to your mum. Seriously, quit thinking about any notion of getting back together now and pressure her really heavily to pay you back your money and return the TV. The only reason she's being civil now and probably hiding her new bf from you is she's hoping you'll be lenient with regards to the cash/tv. Get some legal advice and bring the matter to a conclusion ASAP. She's pissing on your back and telling you it's raining.

Of course she's annoyed you made all these changes when she broke up with you. She probably begged you to do so for years. So, of course it seems very much like a short-term thing to her.

 

I'd stop contacting her for a few months. Dumpers may not be in love post-breakup, but they can certainly feel bitter.

That's the thing she never told me these things once, I know that sounds close minded and like I just did not see it but I swear she never mentioned any of these things once.

My mistake, thought she was speaking to your mum. Seriously, quit thinking about any notion of getting back together now and pressure her really heavily to pay you back your money and return the TV. The only reason she's being civil now and probably hiding her new bf from you is she's hoping you'll be lenient with regards to the cash/tv. Get some legal advice and bring the matter to a conclusion ASAP. She's pissing on your back and telling you it's raining.

Not thinking of that notion is easier said than done when she uses lines like "I am not ruling us out in the future I just need some time to be me" I know the typical BS but it still plays on your mind man. That is the thing I am too soft and told this repeatedly, I hate to see people suffer therefore I find it hard to pressure her for these things as I know it would royally f her life up, big time. Thing is back to this notion of fixing things I am also worried that me putting her through that suffering eliminates any chances of us reconciling. Stupid I know.

Sorry to double reply, I forgot to ask what would you recommend after those few months of no contact?

That's the thing she never told me these things once, I know that sounds close minded and like I just did not see it but I swear she never mentioned any of these things once.

That's far worse. That means she doesn't communicate issues or problems and probably has 10x more resentments towards you that you don't know about.

After a few months of no contact, you have to re-evaluate your feelings. You may not want her back at that point.

That's far worse. That means she doesn't communicate issues or problems and probably has 10x more resentments towards you that you don't know about.

 

After a few months of no contact, you have to re-evaluate your feelings. You may not want her back at that point.

It is most certainly the first, all the way through the relationship she struggled to express or communicate emotions. It often made it difficult to read but I came to terms with it. However its hard to come to terms with the fact I received 0 warning or chance to fix it before being thrown aside.

Sorry to hear this. Agree she's stringing you along with a bunch of mixed messages. That could be related to her sob story about why she can't repay you. She dumped you why support her?

It's fascinating that she and her mother "agree you lacked ambition" but she needs to borrow money from people and make up sob stories in order to delay payment or default altogether. I would send her a "love note" on attorney letterhead with a repayment schedule.

she replied with a story about her brother and his now wife breaking up and staying in touch and now they are married. she mentioned the money that she owed me and I told her well ideally I would like it back in a lump sum as it was lent as a lump sum, she stated if I did that she would be forced to move out of her apartment. she posted pictures online of her out drinking etc. Basically do I stay the nice guy and support her while she is struggling financially.

Sorry to hear this. Agree she's stringing you along with a bunch of mixed messages. That could be related to her sob story about why she can't repay you. She dumped you why support her?

 

It's fascinating that she and her mother "agree you lacked ambition" but she needs to borrow money from people and make up sob stories in order to delay payment or default altogether. I would send her a "love note" on attorney letterhead with a repayment schedule.

That was exactly my thinking, I lack ambition yet I cleverly invested the money I did make the last few years and built a nest egg, they see ambition in a very narrow way. Her mother does not know that she lent money from me to pay off credit card debts. I dont know how else to put this other than I am really not coping. I am carrying out so much self improvement but never feel like I can get her off my mind. Any advice?