A little scared that my girlfriend might be too jealous

I've been with my current girlfriend for 6 months now and it's been fantastic. Her friends and I all get along perfectly fine. I moved to this state a year ago and haven't made many new friends, so for the most part I only hang out with her and her friends. However, she gets upset if they ask for me to hang out alone or if I catch lunch or a beer with them (Her male friends, I'm referring to.) She seems to think that they will try to poke and pry into our relationship and fill my head with negative things about her. They do joke around but nothing that I take seriously. It's a bummer since I miss having my close group back home and I'd like to be able to have that again.

However, the main reason for the post came from last night. We all went to a bar for my cousins birthday. One of my cousins friends, whom I've met before, ran up and photobombed a picture we were in. She bumped my girlfriend and kind of rubbed up against me. My girlfriend immediately got angry that I didn't say anything to the girl. I'm not a very confrontational guy and I didn't think it was necessary to cause a scene. For the rest of the night, she chatted with my cousin and her friends, bad mouthing the girl and just getting more and more angry. She only spoke a few words to me and they were mostly angry. I just didn't even try to defend myself because I was a little taken back and honestly had no idea what to even say. After we get back to my place and before she left, she asked if I understood why she was angry. I said yes. I get a text saying she doesn't trust me and that she doesn't think she can forgive me anytime soon. I told her I understand why she was upset, but because of my laid back attitude I prefer to not deal with drama unless I absolutely need to and that I didn't see the situation being that big of a problem. She then said it was just an excuse to not make the girl mad, that I knew exactly what was going on and that I needed to own up to it. I left it at that until today, when I apologized again and she said she was still upset but that she was glad I apologized and understood her. She then said for me to never put her in that position again, and I simply said okay and that we should move past it.

I'm a little nervous about this.... I refuse to have another relationship where i'm constantly on egg shells around other women. I'm a kindhearted man and I try to treat everybody with respect, and I'm afraid that it will always turn into a fight if I'm cordial with another woman in any scenario. From past experience, I know it would be difficult to approach her about it. I really care for the girl and we have great potential, but I feel I need to nip this early before it causes unnecessary conflict. Any thoughts?

She's being over the top and totally ridiculous, IMHO. You didn't put her in any kind of position - she assumed you would do... well, what?!? You didn't do anything in the first place! This girl knocked your GF accidentally and then you, also accidentally... whatever is wrong about that?! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. She is clearly insecure about something but as you say, it's not up to you to tread on egg shells in case you do or say something which might upset her. Maybe you should talk to her about this - though what you'd say I don't know because as far as I can see nothing happened!

I literally am lost for words..... there is nothing to forgive so how can you even discuss it?!? You sound like a nice person, I don't get why she would have anything to grizzle about.....

You put out this little fire but when you acquiesce too much you walk on egg shells. No one wants a scene, obviously.

Just. observe. If a pattern emerges, cut your losses. Don't hope to change her.

I might have a convo about expectations . Listen. Tell her yours.

It's really about finding out about compatibility at this stage. Don't try too hard to 'not make her mad'. Stick to who you are.

dear god

she asked if I understood why she was angry. I said yes

and more proof of this

that I knew exactly what was going on and that I needed to own up to it.

and just to make sure you know your place

I apologized again and she said she was still upset but that she was glad I apologized and understood her.

ermmmmm !

 

NO you crazy paranoid wreck !

I can think of a few people I could say that to....

I can think of a few people I could say that to....

oh hell girl If I started compiling a list I would be here till next saturday

Honestly op that left me with a knowing sinister feeling .. the traits of a control freak ..be careful and don't be a yes man to keep the peace !!

You didn't do anything wrong it was out of your control. Who cares about starting a fight. It's better to start it right away then to walk on egg shells as it gets worse over years. Ive been in a similar situation not again. Good luck

I literally don't know what to say... what IS there to say?!?! Apart from the fact she's a raging control freak who is ever so slightly unhinged....

I think it's too early to tag her a control freak or catastrophize your future with her (that may be your own anxiety triggered). She seems to have a very simple need. She asked you if you understand her and you said yes. So, may I ask what you two think is the problem, what need of hers could you not answer with your behaviour and how you two decided to solve it by supporting each other emotionally instead of creating limiting behaviour for each other? I'm asking because I have a feeling that this isn't exactly sexual jealousy.

However, she gets upset if they ask for me to hang out alone or if I catch lunch or a beer with them (Her male friends, I'm referring to.) She seems to think that they will try to poke and pry into our relationship and fill my head with negative things about her.

OR she is no longer obtaining the attention from them! As a woman, I can say this is a most likely reason.

However, how does she know that she's not being invited to outings? Is she arid when they invite you out and say she's not invited? Or are you telling her after they asked you when she wasn't around?

One of my cousins friends, whom I've met before, ran up and photobombed a picture we were in. She bumped my girlfriend and kind of rubbed up against me. My girlfriend immediately got angry that I didn't say anything to the girl.

She needs anger management.

For the rest of the night, she chatted with my cousin and her friends, bad mouthing the girl and just getting more and more angry.

She needs to cool her jets. Sounds like she's already making a bad impression of herself on your family.

I would dump a chick like this. Too much anger, too confrontational with family. Just way too much crazy in one package. Definite red flag. By default she's a total B**.

I get a text saying she doesn't trust me and that she doesn't think she can forgive me anytime soon.

]

OR she is no longer obtaining the attention from them! As a woman, I can say this is a most likely reason.

 

However, how does she know that she's not being invited to outings? Is she arid when they invite you out and say she's not invited? Or are you telling her after they asked you when she wasn't around?

 

 

She needs anger management.

 

 

She needs to cool her jets. Sounds like she's already making a bad impression of herself on your family.

 

I would dump a chick like this. Too much anger, too confrontational with family. Just way too much crazy in one package. Definite red flag. By default she's a total B**.

 

 

]

 

Or maybe she had a difficult relationship before where she came off as the mental, "crazy " and she doesn't want this to be carried over to her new relationship because it hurts?

 

Or maybe she has witnessed really shaky values of some of these mates and feels threatened?

 

When we are not happy with male to male friendship, is it really always because we feel deprived of our male friends' attention as women? Really?

 

She doesn't need anger management just because she immediately got angry or she sulked and talked to other people. Her way of dealing with this is very anxious and not very polished but ultimately not anger management level. She actually managed her anger.

 

Tagging her a crazy control freak from the narrative here is actually a very controlling move in itself by putting the situation in a box that she may or may not fit without looking at this in depth.

 

Sorry, but nice guys sometimes have this effect on some people if they are unconsciously too busy avoiding confrontation, pleasing others but forgetting to watch for or establish boundaries as a couple. It is easy to then defend oneself on the basis of being nice to everyone, but the reality of life is that sometimes this may make partners feel a bit excluded. This isn't exactly a fault but both parties are equally responsible for making each other comfortable.

 

The problem here is not niceness, the couple must have open and genuine channels of communication where solutions that do not ban but enrich can be created. For instance, the OP did all the polite and proper things including an apology, which is very good. But although he apologized, he didn't let go, either and has serious worries about his future due to a past relationship. He pleased the other, but isn't very pleased himself. This isn't the exactly healthy way to create a happy and healthy dynamic. At the moment, their only solution is to block OP's natural, polite, cordial behaviour with the other sex, which of course feels uncomfortable.

 

Basically, this is a classic triangle where the GF has become the persecutor, the OP the victim, and the other person is silently as rescuer in time. From the perspective of the GF, who feels excluded due to an insecurity, she is the victim. She went and found another triangle where she can have this role.

 

OP. Your GF is not a control freak. In moments like this, she probably feels like a little girl excluded from a group of friends. Her solution to this is controlling but she is not a freak or a B*** or anything. This isn't exactly jealousy because she actually expects something from you rather than the other party. This thing is probably inclusion. For instance, next time a female pushes her aside and rubs herself against you in a banter, you can jokingly shout "Hey, where the hell is my beautiful girlfriend?" And then put an arm around you. Next time you are cordial with a woman, you can include your girlfriend in the convo as well, complimenting her. You need to decide if you are ready to support your loved one in environments where she may need a bit of help.

 

If you think you have given your comfortable best and it's not helping, then it's time to separate paths. So far, you don't seem to have done much to meet your partner's emotional need in an environment like this and seem to be already resenting her a bit. Maybe you are also angry or embarrassed that this happened around family. All this needs to be processed. You have every right to drop this relationship here but this will not be just about her. Normally, six months in, couples know each others' limits a bit. It can be time to start speaking more about this in loving, assuring, kind ways.

 

Good luck to both of you.

I get a text saying she doesn't trust me and that she doesn't think she can forgive me anytime soon.

Uhhmmm. She doesn't trust you, why??

Girls got issues.

I personally won't tolerate some one challenging my integrity when I haven't done anything.

Or maybe she had a difficult relationship before where she came off as the mental, "crazy " and she doesn't want this to be carried over to her new relationship because it hurts?

 

Or maybe she has witnessed really shaky values of some of these mates and feels threatened?

 

When we are not happy with male to male friendship, is it really always because we feel deprived of our male friends' attention as women? Really?

 

She doesn't need anger management just because she immediately got angry or she sulked and talked to other people. Her way of dealing with this is very anxious and not very polished but ultimately not anger management level. She actually managed her anger.

 

Tagging her a crazy control freak from the narrative here is actually a very controlling move in itself by putting the situation in a box that she may or may not fit without looking at this in depth.

 

Sorry, but nice guys sometimes have this effect on some people if they are unconsciously too busy avoiding confrontation, pleasing others but forgetting to watch for or establish boundaries as a couple. It is easy to then defend oneself on the basis of being nice to everyone, but the reality of life is that sometimes this may make partners feel a bit excluded. This isn't exactly a fault but both parties are equally responsible for making each other comfortable.

 

The problem here is not niceness, the couple must have open and genuine channels of communication where solutions that do not ban but enrich can be created. For instance, the OP did all the polite and proper things including an apology, which is very good. But although he apologized, he didn't let go, either and has serious worries about his future due to a past relationship. He pleased the other, but isn't very pleased himself. This isn't the exactly healthy way to create a happy and healthy dynamic. At the moment, their only solution is to block OP's natural, polite, cordial behaviour with the other sex, which of course feels uncomfortable.

 

Basically, this is a classic triangle where the GF has become the persecutor, the OP the victim, and the other person is silently as rescuer in time. From the perspective of the GF, who feels excluded due to an insecurity, she is the victim. She went and found another triangle where she can have this role.

 

OP. Your GF is not a control freak. In moments like this, she probably feels like a little girl excluded from a group of friends. Her solution to this is controlling but she is not a freak or a B*** or anything. This isn't exactly jealousy because she actually expects something from you rather than the other party. This thing is probably inclusion. For instance, next time a female pushes her aside and rubs herself against you in a banter, you can jokingly shout "Hey, where the hell is my beautiful girlfriend?" And then put an arm around you. Next time you are cordial with a woman, you can include your girlfriend in the convo as well, complimenting her. You need to decide if you are ready to support your loved one in environments where she may need a bit of help.

 

If you think you have given your comfortable best and it's not helping, then it's time to separate paths. So far, you don't seem to have done much to meet your partner's emotional need in an environment like this and seem to be already resenting her a bit. Maybe you are also angry or embarrassed that this happened around family. All this needs to be processed. You have every right to drop this relationship here but this will not be just about her. Normally, six months in, couples know each others' limits a bit. It can be time to start speaking more about this in loving, assuring, kind ways.

 

Good luck to both of you.

I really appreciate your post and level of insight. It put the situation in a different perspective for me. I agree, I believe she most likely just wanted me to establish a boundary, whether or not the other girl had ill intent or not and I failed to do that. I instead did what I normally do when things turn a bit downwards and got quiet and reserved and rationalized if I had really done anything wrong. This was the first time this issue has popped up but I feel I know how to better handle it if it ever does happen again.

Or maybe she had a difficult relationship before where she came off as the mental, "crazy " and she doesn't want this to be carried over to her new relationship because it hurts?

Then she shouldn't be in a relationship. You don't get into a relationship if you are still hurting from a previous one.

She doesn't need anger management just because she immediately got angry or she sulked and talked to other people. Her way of dealing with this is very anxious and not very polished but ultimately not anger management level. She actually managed her anger.

Um, No she didn't. She let her anger get the best of her when she:

* opened her mouth to the OPs cousins. Extremely unclassy of her.

* got into multiple arguments with the OP.

* started making demands despite of people apologizing (which they shouldn't)

She was not in control of her emotions, honey. She let her emotions overrule her and run people over that night. Her behavior was extremely catty, and it is not how adults behave in social groups.

Tagging her a crazy control freak from the narrative here is actually a very controlling move in itself by putting the situation in a box that she may or may not fit without looking at this in depth.

Who's controlling who here? Who should be in control?

The OP had nothing to do in the situation. Your below post doesn't address WHAT the OP should do. The situation was an accident. So if someone accidentally steps on your toes, it's perfectly ok to fly off the handle and be pissed off at the person the entire day no matter how much the person apologized?

I could think of worse things that could of happened that night that would of been reasonabe to be angry over at a bar.. But getting upset over a photobomb? All because somebody accidentally bumped into you, and talking trash behind that persons back to her friends? This doesn't screams mental instability?

Sorry, but nice guys sometimes have this effect on some people if they are unconsciously too busy avoiding confrontation, pleasing others but forgetting to watch for or establish boundaries as a couple.

Again... WHAT DID YOU EXPECT THE OP TO DO IN THIS SITUATION?!

This was not his fault. He did say he wanted to avoid confrontation, but with the given situation that isn't the problem here. The real problem was how his girlfriend handled herself.

For instance, the OP did all the polite and proper things including an apology, which is very good. But although he apologized, he didn't let go

You're seriously joking with this advice. I even can't take you seriously here.

He is not the problem here. You are missing the point that the OP is not responsible for the actions of others. He didn't do anything wrong and therefore didn't have to apologize to her.

Basically, this is a classic triangle where the GF has become the persecutor, the OP the victim, and the other person is silently as rescuer in time. From the perspective of the GF, who feels excluded due to an insecurity,she is the victim.

Oh, please.

She has made herself the victim here by dragging it on. This situation was an easy fix, but she decided to take it the very hard way than what it needed to be. She chose not to forgive, refused to see that it was a small accident, and get upset over it. She is ultimately responsible for how she reacts.

Glad to be of help.

I think you can also voice your needs more. You two seem to be sharing a tendency, that is to go to a radical extreme when a crisis appears. She finds comfort in imagining to move herself out of the threat zone - that is leaving you, stopping this relationship, not trusting you etc. And you may be starting to worry a lot due to your past. It's good to try to keep your reactions in the middle which happens with some practice - you can both imagine a ruler in your minds and try to move your reactions to the middle before you react. You can ask her to give you the credit of doubt a little bit because you believe you deserve it - you do!- and would like to work to make both of you comfortable. She must have the same motivation, too. You can try to stop worrying about your mistakes - everyone has them, including nice people Allow yourself to be imperfect sometimes, this will lift the pressure off your shoulders and you will stop worrying about whether you have done anything wrong. You deserve to be loved by your gf even when you do something wrong as well. Focus on your needs as a couple rather than what you did wrong and you will find so many options. If you have a tendency to feel guilt, try to stop it. It's never helpful. You can instead position yourself at a position of power where you can help and protect your partner. She should do the same and put the same effort. you deserve it as much as she does. Life doesn't consist of her values only, either. Please remember to listen to your own needs and ask for them, too. Actually, she too owes you an apology for reacting so strongly maybe but it may be too soon to ask for this - I would let this one go, personally. But you must think of yourself as much as you think of other people. This will be much better for your relationship.

Your GF probably felt that her space was threatened. Being pushed aside at a moment when you don't expect it may cause it if you are not prepared. Add to this the feminine body contact, it is not an extreme situation to experience what she had - even as a reflex maybe. If she isn't a bodily very vibrant person around other people, this other girl may have represented her shadow self and may have caused her to feel insecure. This happens around people who possess certain qualities that we believe we don't and we subconsciously wish to have - although we may be judgmental about these people on the surface. YOu can encourage her in areas where you think she may be a bit rigid by complimenting her but not mentioning that she is rigid or something.

In moments of crisis, if she explodes and you go inward, this may feel like you are leaving the relationship zone and trigger more chasing from her - verbally, emotionally. You can stand firm at the face of the explosion, affirm her about the value of your relationship and tell her that you hear her and would like to discuss the issue when you both get the chance to think about it. If you give her a time (half an hour, after dinner whatever) her abandonment feeling will not be triggered. You can find a lot of solutions between the two of you.

But if you think any of this support is futile and she is dominating you and you are losing your self in this process, then please run for the hills.

These are things that came to my mind. Some may be irrelevant to you. If so, I do apologize.

You sound like a good person with a fair mind and heart. Please look after yourself well and stay away from eggshells.

Then she shouldn't be in a relationship. You don't get into a relationship if you are still hurting from a previous one.

 

 

 

Um, No she didn't. She let her anger get the best of her when she:

* opened her mouth to the OPs cousins. Extremely unclassy of her.

* got into multiple arguments with the OP.

* started making demands despite of people apologizing (which they shouldn't)

 

She was not in control of her emotions, honey. She let her emotions overrule her and run people over that night. Her behavior was extremely catty, and it is not how adults behave in social groups.

 

 

Who's controlling who here? Who should be in control?

 

The OP had nothing to do in the situation. Your below post doesn't address WHAT the OP should do. The situation was an accident. So if someone accidentally steps on your toes, it's perfectly ok to fly off the handle and be pissed off at the person the entire day no matter how much the person apologized?

 

I could think of worse things that could of happened that night that would of been reasonabe to be angry over at a bar.. But getting upset over a photobomb? All because somebody accidentally bumped into you, and talking trash behind that persons back to her friends? This doesn't screams mental instability?

 

 

Again... WHAT DID YOU EXPECT THE OP TO DO IN THIS SITUATION?!

 

This was not his fault. He did say he wanted to avoid confrontation, but with the given situation that isn't the problem here. The real problem was how his girlfriend handled herself.

 

 

You're seriously joking with this advice. I even can't take you seriously here.

 

He is not the problem here. You are missing the point that the OP is not responsible for the actions of others. He didn't do anything wrong and therefore didn't have to apologize to her.

 

 

Oh, please.

 

She has made herself the victim here by dragging it on. This situation was an easy fix, but she decided to take it the very hard way than what it needed to be. She chose not to forgive, refused to see that it was a small accident, and get upset over it. She is ultimately responsible for how she reacts.

Snny hi,

Thank you for reading my comment and responding to it in detail. I will respond to it to think together with you but I don't want my comments to be directly about the OP's girlfriend. I don't believe we have enough data to analyze this person in such detail. She can be a person who needs a bit of support in some things like most of us, or she can be someone who is unable to respond to support positively due to the depth of her issues. Time and trial will show this to the OP. He says that they have been having fantastic time together for 6 months, so I personally believe this couple can benefit from trying constructive solutions within healthy limits. I also think the OP will notice when things are getting out of hand because he has already had a relationship where he - to my understanding- experienced a jealousy problem that made him walk on eggshells. If his current GF is another control freak with similar problems, he will have to ask himself for his own emotional safety what he is getting from falling for the same kind of abusive tendencies but in either case, this is a dynamic we are talking about.

Before moving on with my comments, I have a personal request if it's OK with you. I don't like being addressed as "honey" by people I don't know in person because in my culture that has patronizing connotations. Here, I prefer the name zeino. But if your use of the word doesn't have that connotation for you, I'm perfectly fine with it and I will leave this to you.

Anyway. You are right in the sense that it is healthier to get into a new relationship when we have healed from the wounds of a former one. However, very few of us are completely healed from everything and some people may carry certain triggers in them all their lives. They may need support in certain things but may be completely competent in some other things. Then there are some relationships where people manage to heal together. I believe, the OP and his GF are more or less at the same emotional maturity level because they experienced attraction. So this binds both of them, actually. And again, actually, I originally meant that teasings of these friends may be hurting. English is not my mother tongue so maybe I worded it wrong.

You are also right in that she needs anger management. Everyone experiencing problems with anger benefits from it. For some reason, my mind went to anger management classes where she wouldn't be your typical case. Is she completely a lost case, or is she someone who can benefit from supportive action? The OP can discover that. In all honesty, she doesn't sound to me angrier than you for instance. You have called her a B*** by default and it may come off as quite angry and aggressive to some people - it does to me but everyone is different. Neither is it the classiest thing IMHO- I'm saying this because you are judging her with classy behaviour criteria, I don't personally agree with that term. I think your comments to me are pretty angry, too. But then I don't believe that these make you automatically pathological, either. You are a more strongly vocal person than I am, basically. I think it's possible to see the OP's girlfriend in this light as well.

Obviously her behaviour was problematic. I know this. That's why I am trying to recommend solutions.

To answer your question about who is controlling who here, I meant that by immediately jumping into conclusions about this woman using many adjectives but not enough analysis, we are trying to control a situation by defining it rather than observing it or questioning it. I think we do this because we liken this to previous situations where we witnessed this kind of behaviour and I think we do this with the intention of protecting the OP from hurt. This holds grains of truth in itself but may not be the ultimate truth. Other explanations are possible. I attempted at one. We can attempt at many others. That's what I meant.

As for her behaviour screaming mental unstability, can you explain what you mean by the term? Is this curable or not? How do we distinguish with only so much data between a very serious problem and over the top behaviour that can be helped with a couple of small things? People throw things, break things, cause uglier scenes in public for many reasons, shout at their children, do so many things out of order but these do not always scream serious unstability. Some of it can be cultural, too. In some cultures, the OP's girlfriend's behaviour can be considered normal. I'm not trying to justify this behaviour. I'm only saying that we don't have enough data to judge with very strong diagnoses.

I don't believe that the OP had nothing to do with the situation. Obviously he didn't cause it but as the boyfriend of this woman, he inevitably has something to do with the situation. They share an intimate context so there are emotional expectations. We don't actually have enough data to see what he did, either. We know that he didn't defend himself, we know that she sat with these cousins all night long. What did he do in between? Did he try to remove her from the scene of badmouthing? Did she reject? Or did the just separate and isolate himself from the situation? Sometimes doing nothing doesn't help. Sometimes, it is a covert form of aggression as well. Thousand of things are possible. For instance, if this was my BF with whom I have had a fantastic relationship for six month and who unfortunately flipped in the middle of a family event (argh, why couldn't he flipped somewhere else please!) I would tackle this situation more actively, manage to pull him aside with whatever excuse and soothe him. If not for emotional reasons, then for thiese reasons: A) because he would be in an embarrassing situation (by my standards) although he cannot be aware of it at that time and I don't want him to embarrass himself too much (both for his dignity and in case we carry on relating, I want my family to like him) b) I don't want my family to witness what kind of crazy people I socialize with until I can control this situation better. It's not their business. c) I don't want anyone I bring to an event to do people's head in, especially when they have flipped. So, basically, I would contain this person. The only circumstance where I would detach myself would be if the person has an ongoing problem and I have made a principle of detachment.

I have already written some alternative ways of behaviour. None of them are shoulds. Just suggestions that could help.

I agree. This isn't the OP's fault. But relationships are not always about distributing fault, are they? They are also about acting as a couple to cover each others' shortcomings unless this threatens individual emotional safety and self-preservation.

In my comment about the apology, where you can't take me seriously, I mentioned the apology as an example of good and proper things. Perhaps you think he shouldn't apologize because he didn't do anything wrong. You have a point there. It is also possible to offer an empathetic apology to people saying that we are sorry for what they experienced without owning full guilt. I don't think the OP did this though. I still think she too owes him an apology but I don't believe this should turn into a power fight. This is what I find interesting. Why did the OP apologize? Because it is what he generally does in situations because this is virtuous in his eyes? Because he thinks this is gentlemanly? To appease an angry person not to rock the boat further? For whatever reason, I really think ideally he should be at a comfort level that when an issue is resolved it doesn't occupy his mind anymore. He isn't at this point. What can he do for his emotional comfort? That is my point. Again, interestingly, we think the woman has a trust problem because she said she didn't trust him. But in action, after the apology, she trusts him enough to voice a need - "don't put me in that situation again." He says he won't and I think she is OK with this. So, despite her impulsive initial statement, she has trusted him. The OP didn't say he doesn't trust her, but he is worried that she can be an emotionally dangerous person - fair enough, he had this experience before, he doesn't want to be burned again. But who has a trust issue here? Whose feelings can be more detrimental for this relationship tomorrow? Things jump between couples in dynamics like this. That's why it's hard to think in black and white terms. IMO, both have a role in everything and that includes situations they didn't cause. To keep his part safe and clean, the OP needs to achieve a good comfort level and openness. I think although they are thrown in opposite corners, they are actually doing the same thing, trying to prevent future emotional harm. During this, they are visiting some extremes.

And yes, from her perspective, she is the victim. You may not agree with her perspective. It may seem absurd to you. But this is her perspective. You say she dragged herself to that point. That doesn't change anything. She still feels like a victim. The OP may feel she is a persecutor - censoring his future behaviour with other women. All these positions represent people's feelings, regardless of who caused what. The solution is to move out of the triangle and meet in the middle. Your comments can function to fix people in these positions, which will result in the continuation of the problem. It is not empowering for anyone, either. They are adults, we must at least expect the capacity to move out of these triangles.

This situation is an easy fix for you. Obviously it isn't for her. So? It is still her life and the OP is with her (to our knowledge) and they still need solutions - the last step being separation. I think one or two things can be tried and observed before that step if the OP feels safe enough. What are you suggesting other than calling her a B**** screaming mental unstability and craving male attention from friends? And how can you reasonably argue that she is ultimately responsible for how she reacts if you are so sure of this screaming mental unstability whatever it is and it implies? Maybe you are right and she is so unstable that at least some insanity defense applies in this virtual court where we all pretend to be judges?

Only time, observation and some trial and error can show whether she and the OP have the emotional capacity to solve what is bothering them without resorting to immediate dismissive behaviour. They don't have a problem that will be very hard to spot. If she is the unstable person you are describing her to be, this will pop up very quickly soon and the OP can make up his mind. She has done some impulsive things which don't put her in a fantastic light, but she hasn't been verbally or physically abusive in an extreme way or something and I think this increases OP's chances to observe and decide if he wants to. Then he can comfortably make up his mind. By the way, I believe some people can choose to be with someone mentally disordered or unstable or whatever and they may have rewarding relationships as well. The key is not the diagnosis or mental health issues of anyone but whether they are abusive to us, detrimental to our emotional health, growth etc. Just like anyone really.

Yes, Snny. Indeed.

"You don't get into a relationship if you are still hurting from a previous one.

"

A sentiment which should be posted not just here but on almost every other thread.

It appears my girlfriend is still pretty angry about Friday night. I've noticed things were a little off but thought we were okay. We're supposed to talk about, although i'm not entirely sure what else I can say.

To me, the fact that she gets upset if you hang out with her male friends is just as worrying as her overreaction to the girl doing the photobombing.

This is about control, not insecurity about another girl or respecting your relationship. Why on earth would she think that HER male friends would be negative about her?

There's something that's seriously "off" about this situation. If it were me I'd gently be fading into the background and wishing her well... if you're not ready to do that, just tread very, very warily.

To me, the fact that she gets upset if you hang out with her male friends is just as worrying as her overreaction to the girl doing the photobombing.

 

This is about control, not insecurity about another girl or respecting your relationship. Why on earth would she think that HER male friends would be negative about her?

 

There's something that's seriously "off" about this situation. If it were me I'd gently be fading into the background and wishing her well... if you're not ready to do that, just tread very, very warily.

Well after the talk, it appears that my girlfriend doesn't trust me anymore because I practically let a girl "grind" on me and didn't speak up to put her in her place. She's mad that because I did nothing at all, she had to, and that shows that I don't care enough to stop it so for all she knows, I was totally okay with it and because it happened in front of her who knows what I do when she's not there.

One of my cousins friends, whom I've met before, ran up and photobombed a picture we were in. She bumped my girlfriend and kind of rubbed up against me.

She wasn't grinding you if she had to run up and do a quick photobomb.

Well after the talk, it appears that my girlfriend doesn't trust me anymore because I practically let a girl "grind" on me and didn't speak up to put her in her place. She's mad that because I did nothing at all, she had to, and that shows that I don't care enough to stop it so for all she knows, I was totally okay with it and because it happened in front of her who knows what I do when she's not there.

]

Forget this girl. She is too much drama. I'm also willing to bet that she grinds her guy friends too and is projecting her own guilt.

NEXT!

Well after the talk, it appears that my girlfriend doesn't trust me anymore because I practically let a girl "grind" on me and didn't speak up to put her in her place. She's mad that because I did nothing at all, she had to, and that shows that I don't care enough to stop it so for all she knows, I was totally okay with it and because it happened in front of her who knows what I do when she's not there.

What were you supposed to do to that other girl? Beat her up?

And because one girl accidentally bumped into you, that means you are what, having sex with other women the second your girlfriend isn't looking?

She's weird.

Do you want to live in prison? Where you can only go out in public if you are with your girlfriend? And you better not look at or talk or make any kind of physical contact with anyone else (NO hand shaking!).

What were you supposed to do to that other girl? Beat her up?

 

And because one girl accidentally bumped into you, that means you are what, having sex with other women the second your girlfriend isn't looking?

 

She's weird.

 

Do you want to live in prison? Where you can only go out in public if you are with your girlfriend? And you better not look at or talk or make any kind of physical contact with anyone else (NO hand shaking!).

She equated it to a guy grabbing her inappropriately and her not telling him to stop, or never telling me it happened. That's how she felt about it. That since I didn't say "Hey, don't do that." Even though I felt nothing really happened inappropriate, that it obviously doesn't bother me that other girls could do that to me. She said that's a big problem to her that she'll eventually get over but if happens again, I'm old news. She also said it shattered some "expectations I had of you and of your behavior" along with her losing trust.

Obviously I understand the concept of the issue. Who would be okay with somebody else touching, flirting, talking inappropriately to their significant half? And if the significant other seemed to be okay with it then yeah, be angry. But I didn't believe it was intentional, whatever happened. So I didn't chime in and say anything because I don't deal with unnecessary drama. I'm not ready to throw the relationship away just yet considering it's the first time the issue has popped up, but I do feel pretty defenseless and that I have to just apologize for whatever happened. I don't really see anything else I could say without it just escalating.