Surviving Grief with a New Relationship

My boyfriend lost his father is July after only being together for a few months. I drove from the beach to go to his house and take him to the ER. It feels like a whirlwind or nightmare. I was there with my boyfriend, his mom, aunt and uncle. I stayed by his side throughout the next couple months but obviously and understandably he wasn't the same person. I never let him see me cry and it finally caught up to me. He said no offense but he can only focus on his own happiness and has nothing to give and thanked me for eveything. I have been going through my own grief of losing his father, I went to the cemetery and that was helpful and something I'm going to do on a regular basis. It feels so freeing to cry and express myself becuase I have been trying to hold it together for him and his mom. His father thought the world of me and if he was here still I know he would tell my boyfriend to move on with his life and look at the person standing next to him. I know he needs to get through this however he is going to and so do I. I think space between us is good for now do deal with our feelings. We ended things a few weeks ago. I spoke with him on his dad's birthday but other than that just small hellos when I see him at work. Anyways, I know there is no time limit for grief but I am not sure what to do from here other than working on my own life and letting him know that I'm here no matter what. I don't just want to be in a relationship or am lonely, I genuinely care for him and his family. Thank you in advance.

It would be best to leave him be and go no contact. Also do not stay in touch with his family. Leave him and his family alone to grieve. It sounds like you were over-involved and got too close with his family. Just too much too soon after dating less than 6 mos.

He broke up so you need to get on the same page and stop saying stuff like "you'll be there for him", etc. If he wanted to be together, grief or not or wanted you by his side he would do so. It sounds like he was trying to let you doen gently because you cared so much, but he told you repeatedly that he doesn't want a relationship.

It feels like a whirlwind or nightmare. He said no offense but he can only focus on his own happiness and has nothing to give and thanked me for eveything. I think space between us is good for now do deal with our feelings. small hellos when I see him at work.

Thank you for your response. I actually was the one who brought up giving each other space. He did not do the breaking up. He agreed that he needed to deal with some things and it wasn't fair for me and he felt bad he couldn't be there more like in "normal" circumstances. His family was the one who asked me to take care of him and welcomed me into their family. I knew that it was a lot but I couldn't say no to them. I explained about a month after the death that I wanted to get back to some sort of dating becuase the current state of the relationship was heavy and being around all the time was a lot. I don't resent him, I did whatever they asked of me but in the end they have to do what they have to do. I have no contacted him or his family in 2 weeks, actually 4 with the exception of his dad's birthday 2 weeks ago. His family and best friends told me that he feels terrible and on top of his dad's death he pushed the person who was there for him the most (me) away.

Try to accept his wishes that it's over and that he and his family wish to be left alone. You are not part of his family after a few mos of dating no matter how kind or accepting they were while their son was dating you.

It's understandable after your over-investment and over-involvement that you want to hang on, but it's time to go no contact and let go. In fact it sounds like you were smothering him, which is why he pushed back..

You may want to reflect why you had this need after just a few mos of dating to almost jump into his family with both feet as if you were part of it. What's up with your family and family dynamics?

He said he can't be in a relationship right now and that I shouldn't take it personally. He feels bad for me and everything we have gone through and that he doesn't want a relationship with me. All I wanted was for him to say that he wanted me in his life

Hello my dear, its hurting you to reach out but keep trying and dont give up. Let him know over and over that you are there for him. But offer dinner dates and cute things like that. We all handle stuff differently. Plan a trip somewhere and make it seem as if its non refundable so he cant refuse and try to get him to let it all out over a beautiful view.

I must admit I found your story a little confusing .. if I have got it right , you ended up , after only a few months been a part of your boyfriends family , a full on part and in dire circumstances . You have been dragged down by the velocity of grief and sheer heartache of a situation you possibly shouldn't have been that involved in . In the end you yourself broke from the sadness and the loss and pretty much had nowhere to turn because it is his family who had the loss not yours . If I have got that all wrong then sorry .

It does sound like you need some serious time out to gather your thoughts and get yourself together , I am not sure if you want to back with him or not .

Thanks for the response wiseman..I actually never asked or forced myself to be a part of the family. His mom was the one who welcomed me and said that she needed me to be more than just his girlfriend and step up. I said many times to him that I wanted to slow down and go back to dating instead of spending so much time together to which he responded can't I have a free pass because my dad died. I knew it was too much but I wanted to do what he and whatever his family asked. And again it was me who brought up taking time apart more becuase it was too much. I have a wonderful relationship with my family and I don't need him in my life. I would like us to work out and make each other's lives that much better but right now I know we both need to heal in different ways. I have not spoken to him or his family other than on his dad's birthday 2 weeks ago. I actually was never smothering him. He always texted, called and asked me to hangout first. I let him come to me bc I didn't know if he needed space or company. He just is a good guy and knew he was a mess and didn't want to bring me down with him.

pippy longstocking you have it completely correct actually. it is so difficult to be around people who are constantly sad and there is nothing that you can do. They asked a lot of me and I don't resent them but it got to be overwhelming and I had to tell him about it. But you are right that I have no one to turn to because they are the ones who lost someone. These past few weeks have beem hard but also relieving to not have to try and make him smile anymore. I feel bad but I was killing myself trying to do whatever I could or whatever they asked of me.

"His family was the one who asked me to take care of him and welcomed me into their family. I knew that it was a lot but I couldn't say no to them."

Not your job, Grief.

You are not a carer, and probably not a bereavement counsellor either. Just as well you have distanced yourself.

pippy longstocking you have it completely correct actually. it is so difficult to be around people who are constantly sad and there is nothing that you can do. They asked a lot of me and I don't resent them but it got to be overwhelming and I had to tell him about it. But you are right that I have no one to turn to because they are the ones who lost someone. These past few weeks have beem hard but also relieving to not have to try and make him smile anymore. I feel bad but I was killing myself trying to do whatever I could or whatever they asked of me.

It is isn't it , I completely understand , it is a dark place to be around x