Boyfriend unsure about marriage

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years. He is 31 and I am 30. Our relationship is good except for one problem. I want marriage and he is unsure. We also do not live together and if we don't marry we will never live together because both of our families are religious and against it. I have had several conversations with him asking if he sees marriage in our future and all he can say is "I don't know. I might want to get married, I might not." He said he has thought about marriage a little because he knows I want it and he doesn't want to drag me along. However, he says when he thinks about it, it feels overwhelming. He said marriage feels so "final." When I ask if he is unsure because he might want to date other women, he says no that's not it. He makes it sound like the doubts are just about marriage, not about me. In our last conversation, I told him all the reasons marriage is important to me. I told him I don't want to be in the position where I have to choose between him and marriage because both are important to me. I asked him to think more about it and I told him if he did decide against marriage I might have to think about leaving.

I was listening to a podcast on relationships and it said that often men need about three years to decide if they want to marry the woman they're with. The man and the woman both need time to get to know the other person and decide. I agree that it's good to wait two or three years before getting engaged. I don't want to pressure my boyfriend to get married soon and I don't want to throw away a good relationship when maybe he just isn't ready yet. I love him and I believe he loves me and I want to give him a fair chance. However, I'm worried about wasting another year waiting when I might just get the same answer ("I don't know").

Did you not like the answers people gave you on the same question two days ago?

He is 31 and I am 30.

 

if we don't marry we will never live together because both of our families are religious and against it.

Personally, I don't ever want to be married. I understand what he means when he says it feels so "final." Marriage just means you get a legal document that says you've bound yourself to someone else legally. I also think that not living together without being married is an archaic ritual, and you are grown adults. If you are in your 30's you should be able to live wherever you want with whomever you want and your parents have no say. I think you should live with him before you ever marry him.

If marriage is that important to you, you should think about ending the relationship, because if he's saying no now, chances are he'll say no in a year, too. Since I never want to be married, it's important to me to not ever date a guy who wants to be married one day, because I know for a fact that I'll never change my mind. Him saying "I don't know" is just him actually saying "no" but not wanting to end the relationship.

Sorry but I'm going to call bs on needing 3 years to decide. He knows you and he is telling you politely what you don't want to her - he doesn't want to marry you.

You've said your peace about it, give him some time to make a decision, but if he doesn't, then stick to your word and what is actually important to you and leave him. Do not waster another year.

The best approach is to stop talking about it. You can talk at him all you want about why it's important to you, etc. but obviously he doesn't feel the same way after 2 yrs.

You've had 'several conversations' and each time he says 'maybe' (aka no). It's unclear why he is stringing you along like this, but he is.

I have had several conversations with him asking if he sees marriage in our future and all he can say is "I don't know. I might want to get married, I might not." I'm worried about wasting another year waiting when I might just get the same answer ("I don't know").

Seymore, I did like the answers, they helped a lot. But then I heard that podcast and it got me thinking again so I wanted to reword my question. I'm just very anxious about making the right decision.

Thanks everyone!

Have you seen the movie "He's Just Not That Into You?" In the movie Jennifer Anniston's character leaves her live in partner (Ben Affleck) because he won't marry her. They are both quite broken about it but by the end of the movie, He proposes.

My advice, don't waste anymore time waiting around. If after two years of exclusive dating he's thinking that marriage to you is "so final" then he's never going to be ready to marry You. He may change his mind if you're not there enabling him not to have to. Don't leave in hopes that it is some ploy to get him to propose. Just leave because he's not interested in what you are...

And that is what is killing the romance.

I'm just very anxious about making the right decision.

Seymore, I did like the answers, they helped a lot. But then I heard that podcast and it got me thinking again so I wanted to reword my question. I'm just very anxious about making the right decision.

 

Thanks everyone!

I read both threads. They look very similar with some wording changed.

You are asking the same question and just expecting different answers here. There was no need to create another thread on the same issue.

While reading at first I was thinking maybe you are pressuring him but then him saying marriage is so 'final' really got to me. If he loves you and doesn't want to be with anyone else then your relationship with him alone should be 'final' to him. Marriage shouldn't be an issue. It's just a paper shouldn't change his love and commitment towards you. I understand why you two cannot live together because of religious reasons so that should not be an issue.

But him saying 'idk' it's 'final' implies he doesn't think of you alone in his future. Means he wants to keep his options open and isn't ready to settle down. I highly doubt his decision would change in a year.

You may be wasting your time with this guy. Seems like he isn't serious about spending his entire life with you and is only considering marriage because you are pressuring him.

I understand why you want to get married. You are not getting any younger and you just want to finalize this relationship. He on the other hand doesn't seem to want the same thing.

I would just end it and look for someone who is in fact serious about having you in their future. You may be with him for 1-2 more years and he might just up and leave from what it sounds. Also be wary that if you do in fact decide to leave he might just propose to make you happy and keep you around but an engagement is easier to break off than a marriage.

When he says it sounds so " final." He is telling you he doesn't want to marry. I would leave.

He is not interested in ever getting married to you. Please don't waste more years waiting for something that will never change.

Lisa

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From Wait but Why

This is the marriage decision illustrated....it's a hard one.

He's not going to marry you, OP.

He's giving you a lot of "maybe" because he doesn't want to hurt you. But he knows it's not going to happen. I think you do, too. All you can do now is decide whether you want to remain in this relationship knowing it won't lead to marriage.

I know how it feels but if you love this person with all your heart and you can imagine being with him until the day you leave this mortal planet, then what does it genuinely matter if you marry or not? Every few months I have wobbles about the same thing - and like you, it's the only thing that bugs me. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't actually matter. I would be nice, but it's not the be all and end all.

Unless of course there are also other issues as to why he doesn't want to marry you.....