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Thread: Husband is confused about life and our marriage

  1. #1
    MommaOfBoys
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    Husband is confused about life and our marriage

    Hi there, I need some advice, comfort, or someone to talk to.

    My husband is unhappy about life. He doesn't like his job and wants to find a new one. He doesn't know what he wants to do about our marriage because he says he is not happy. We have a lot of pain between us from over a decade of being together since we were 18. We have 2 children together. I have been trying to grow spiritually during this process.

    He has treated me so badly most of this year and feels like a sh*tty person for not being there for the children and I. He says he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, but doesn't take any steps to change his destructive behaviors. He started vaping. When he started his new job earlier this year, he would work late, hang out late with friends after work at their home or the bar even though he doesn't drink, fall asleep in car, anything to avoid coming home until around midnight. He hid his "friendship" with a woman he met at a bar. He said he knew I wouldn't like it so that's why he didn't tell me. According to him, for the past month and a half, he has been talking to her everyday. He locks his phone, but showed me some texts that he didn't delete for a few days. I see in the call logs online that they text many times throughout the day and phone calls, too. That hurt my feelings because he is spending so much of his time texting her instead of texting or calling me or putting that energy into our marriage. He would tell me he was busy. She gets depressed and tells him her relationship problems. It may seem innocent to them, but I'm afraid it is the beginning of an emotional affair. He doesn't respect my boundaries about it. Lately, I'm trying to just be the best person I can be, praying, being grateful, showing him love and grace despite all the pain I have as well. I know I can't help someone that doesn't want it or make someone stay that doesn't want to. I love him so much, I just don't know what else I can do.

  2. #2
    SherrySher
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    It isn't the beginning of an emotional affair, it is an emotional affair. Depending on how you look at it. He is spending far more time with her, he supports and listens to her, he is there for her and so on. Sounds like he is more invested in things with her, than in his own marriage and family life at the moment.
    You need to confront him and tell him that you don't want it to go on anymore and then go to couples counselling. His focus is on the wrong person and in the wrong area right now. If he is serious about saving the marriage, he will comply. But for now, it sounds as though he is slowly leaving. I'm sorry you are going through this, I hope he smartens up.

  3. #3
    MommaOfBoys
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    Thank you for your insight. I did confront him and told him to slowly cut ties with her. He would lie and tell me he stopped, but then he didn't. We even had a conversation that it was an emotional affair. He agreed and said that "it could be seen that way if that's what it's called." I told him to cut ties immediately or I would have to leave the marriage, but I have yet found the courage to actually leave.

    He tells me he doesn't have feelings for her and would not be with her. I don't know what to believe because he has lied so much. He says the problems are with him and he is so confused about everything in his life. I feel like maybe she is his escape to not think about his problems. He agrees we need marriage counseling, but we have not done anything about it because he doesn't even know what he wants out of our marriage.

    I do feel that he is slowly leaving or pushing me away so I will leave him. It hurts me so much because I think we should do whatever it takes to figure out if our marriage will work or not. I trust God/Universe/higher power and just don't know if I should stay or leave. Some days are better or harder for me and I am trying to find the strength and courage to prepare myself to leave and realize that he may not fight for our marriage. I am also afraid that if I leave, he may change his mind about our marriage and by then I won't let myself go back.

  4. #4
    SherrySher
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    But it takes two to make a marriage work, right? He should be fighting just as hard and I don't even understand his mindset on "he doesn't know what he wants out of our marriage"..?! You have two children together and have been together for a long time. That kind of longevity with children involved, deserves respect and to be working on making it work as a family. He sounds as though he is being very selfish right now. How long has he been carrying on with this other woman and your marriage not going well?

  5. #5
    MommaOfBoys
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    I believe he met her in March as that was when he started going to the bar and she worked there. I found out a month or two later that he texted her number a few times as he says he was trying to help her find a new job. Well now she has another job. They started texting maybe every couple weeks for a few months and now everyday for a month and a half. She talks about being depressed or still loving her ex even though according to him she has a boyfriend. She will say she's free to hang out or that they all (her, my husband, and his coworkers) should all go out. I think they are all miserable... misery likes company I guess.

    As for our marriage, we have had many issues throughout our relationship and he says it's being built up from all the years. He said he thought we fixed them, not put a temporary patch on it.

  6. #6
    SherrySher
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    Well I sure hope he and you start on marriage counselling. Your marriage deserves that and a decent chance at repairing all of this. I hope somehow that he start acting like the husband and father he should be. Not only do you deserve that, but so do your children. I am sorry you are going through this, I truly am. I hope no matter what happens that you can remain strong for yourself and for your children. You deserve to be treated better than this.

  7. #7
    MommaOfBoys
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    He says he doesn't know what to do because he is confused about everything. He says knows he's not happy and he wants to be happy. I told him he has to make decisions in his life, not just be indecisive because our marriage is headed for divorce. I said I can only do so much, but happiness comes from within and counseling will help us heal the pain.

  8. #8
    MommaOfBoys
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    Thank you. He says he feels so sh*tty and and like a horrible person. He says I am the strongest person he knows and would never hurt him like he hurt me by treating me so bad and he doesn't feel like he deserves me. I think somehow he doesn't have his self esteem anymore. I don't know if a midlife crisis happens at 30, but I kind of feel like that's what it is.

  9. #9
    SherrySher
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    It's possible, yes. He has been married for a number of years and now has the responsibility of being a father and husband, he might see his youth and young self slipping away and is running back out to try and keep hold of it. It doesn't make it right.But I have seen people do it and for that exact reason. My advice would still be to hopefully get him to go into counselling, personal and couples. You do sound as though you have been quite strong with it all, but no doubt you're tiring of it. (hugs). I hope there can be some kind of positive change soon.

  10. #10
    MommaOfBoys
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    Thank you so much for your time and advice. You seem very intelligent.

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