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I do not love my wife, but I have a 6 month old daughter and I cannot leave her


TorninHouston

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Hello All

 

First, thank you for reading this. I have been married for 2.5 years and I know I rushed into this marriage after only knowing her for a year. I do not want to bore everyone with the details of it, but I married her, and we were married a year before we had our daughter, but I knew after the first 6 months that this was not the woman for me. I tried to end the marriage within those 6 months, and even after the 6 moths. I am a great father, I love my daughter more than anything in this world. I spoiled my wife, even when she calls me derogatory things, curses and yells at me, I built her a house, bought her a new car, everything she has always wanted, and now she wants to sell the house because it is "too big." She belittles me and makes me feel like I am not doing enough, and I took another job, working remotely so that I can watch my daughter grow up, but my wife and I are like roommates. We sleep in the same bed, but are not physical at all, I think we may have had sex 3 times in the last 8 months. She is from Chicago and anytime she gets angry, or feels like I am not giving her enough attention (which I know I am not) she packs a bag and goes back to Chicago.

 

I do not have anyone to talk to most of my friends were women and she thinks I slept with all of them.. sigh! My real dilemma here is that I know if we get a divorce or separate, she is going to move back to Chicago, which I am okay with because her entire family is there, but I will not be able to wake up to see my daughters smiling face everyday. I am torn in staying in a loveless marriage, and I know she is not happy either as when I really sat down and asked her, "If you are so unhappy (she tells me this often) why are you still here?" and her answer is, our daughter, which is the same as mine.

 

Has anyone else gone through this? Friends have suggested marriage counseling, but if you KNOW in your heart of hearts that this is not the woman you see yourself being with for the next 10 years, or for me 10 days, what do you do? I have put my feelings aside, my happiness because I feel like my daughter deserves the best of everything. My wife grew up in a broken home and she says she does not want our daughter to grow up that way, but I grew up in a home where my mother and father adored each other and they never disrespected one another.

 

Again, thank you for letting me vent and any comments/suggestions would be appreciated.

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Sorry to hear this, but you can have your daughter in your life.

 

Consult a good attorney to understand your rights as a father, what you need to prepare for and general information. If she gets to an attorney first, she will have the advantage both financially and in terms of custody.

 

Can you live this way the next 18 yrs? A bitter loveless marriage is a disservice to everyone involved, especially your daughter.

I know if we get a divorce or separate, she is going to move back to Chicago, which I am okay with because her entire family is there, but I will not be able to wake up to see my daughters smiling face everyday.
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Wiseman2

 

Thank you for your response. I have a close friend who is a family law attorney and he has advised me that I can make her stay in the same county as I have these rights, and I know this is counter on what I mentioned, but I do not want my wife to have to be here alone without her family, her entire family lives in Chicago and she would have the support she needs there, if she stays here, she has her friends, and of course my financial support and the plus side is I would still get to see my daughter, but I feel bad for my wife. This is the predicament that I am facing.

 

To answer your last question, no, I cannot see myself being with her much longer and I know that the longer we wait for this, the more it will effect our daughter as of right now, she does not grasp the full concept of what is going on, but to see her smiling face when we are both around makes me say to myself, do it for her.

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============

What if she moves to Chicago with the child and you move there too, but not with her in the same home, then you can see your child as often as possible.

 

I know women who have moved back near family where they can have support, babysitters, etc, particularly if the child is small. I would let her go back to Chicago if you divorce and move within 2 hours of their so you can have visitation more easily. She would still have your financial support but your daughter would have grandparents, etc, and not just mom's friends. If you are the one leaving your wife - she may think things are fine and she should not be the one stranded. Also, have you EVER been through marriage counseling???? You need to go because even if you break up you have to figure out how to coparent your daughter and cooperate. You owe it to your daughter AND your vows (unless of course you went through a quickie service and didn't treat the whole thing with seriousness and reverence in the first place. I mean - who walks out on a 6 month old???

 

Did you ever consider your wife might have hormonal issues or post partum? I mean, she just gave birth 6 months ago, right?

 

Seriously, you need to figure out how to communicate with eachother instead of just throwing houses, etc, at her and finding out she isn't happy./////===========

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Abitbroke, thank you for your response, I really appreciate it. I cannot move to Chicago because of work. I wish that was an option

 

Then you make it an option. You start looking for jobs. Maybe you give it 6 months to a year to find one. People switch companies due to needing to be around ailing parents, a kid needing a special school or whatever. Its life. things happen. Either you work on your marriage - go to marriage counseling and put an honest effort in - you never know - you may just turn it around and finally get to know eachother - or you have no say in where she ends up. Not everyone cares about material things. My ex wanted a big house and this and that and I didn't appreciate it. Not because I wanted bigger. Its because I had simple needs and tastes. I wanted to be loved and respected. I didn't need a big house and huge bills. I wanted to live simply on less than my needs and be loved. I didn't want to be bullied and live in a new house. Houses don't fix what's wrong with a marriage. So go to marriage counseling and get to know eachother for the first time.

 

Also - so did she move to Houston for you - and then you'll dump her and she'll have no one?

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Abitbroken

 

I am NOT walking out on my daughter, that is the reason I am still here, so please do not judge me. I have been unhappy for over a year and I am just asking for advice from people who have been in this situation or can offer advice on how to handle this situation.

 

She does not have post partum as she is normal around everyone, as of now, we are both taking care of the most important thing and that is our daughter so I really don't appreciate your accusations of me "walking out" on my daughter.

 

Much like other couples who have problems, we went through a REAL wedding with REAL vows, although I may have rushed into it, it was real when I married her, but she changed after she moved here, so unless you have a suggestion or advice without trying to make me feel bad, please post somewhere else.

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Again, she did move to Houston for me because I was already established in my career, and I asked her where she wanted to live and she said she has always wanted to live in Houston, so it worked out.

 

The house thing was me venting, but I know in my heart that she is not the person I can see spending the rest of my life with.

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The house thing was me venting, but I know in my heart that she is not the person I can see spending the rest of my life with.

 

Honestly, this should have been thought through before marriage and a baby. I think you owe it to your vows and child to at least get into counseling to make a good faith effort to work through your issues.

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Abitbroken

 

I am NOT walking out on my daughter, that is the reason I am still here, so please do not judge me. I have been unhappy for over a year and I am just asking for advice from people who have been in this situation or can offer advice on how to handle this situation.

 

She does not have post partum as she is normal around everyone, as of now, we are both taking care of the most important thing and that is our daughter so I really don't appreciate your accusations of me "walking out" on my daughter.

 

Much like other couples who have problems, we went through a REAL wedding with REAL vows, although I may have rushed into it, it was real when I married her, but she changed after she moved here, so unless you have a suggestion or advice without trying to make me feel bad, please post somewhere else.

 

Ok - throwing in the towel when there is a new baby. Does that sound better? And how does working on your marriage is me making you feel bad. Those are the facts. You want advice that says "you poor, poor man, yes, I think that you should get a divorce. And I think it should all tip in your favor despite you doing the leaving. She should have to be alone in the city. She should have to work around your schedule, etc." Well, I am not giving it. You have NOTHING to lose by going to marriage counseling. Even if you split, you need to learn how to communicate so you can coparent this child in a loving way so the child is not used as a pawn.

 

This woman moved for you and gave up her family. She walked away from everything she knew. So you owe it to the child to go through marriage counseling. Maybe it ends up that you learn to communicate both of your feelings and fall in love with your wife again? Or for the first time? Why am I being so negative to suggest that. You can still divorce later on if you both want to, but you can't undivorce.

 

Also, you knew the woman when you were long distance. Of course when you see someone every single day, they are going to be different. She didn't trick you into something she was not. And you are not perfect either. So you have not been happy in a year and it coincides with her being pregnant. So she didn't change before the pregnancy but changed during?

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Abitbroken

 

I am NOT walking out on my daughter, that is the reason I am still here, so please do not judge me. I have been unhappy for over a year and I am just asking for advice from people who have been in this situation or can offer advice on how to handle this situation.

 

She does not have post partum as she is normal around everyone, as of now, we are both taking care of the most important thing and that is our daughter so I really don't appreciate your accusations of me "walking out" on my daughter.

 

Much like other couples who have problems, we went through a REAL wedding with REAL vows, although I may have rushed into it, it was real when I married her, but she changed after she moved here, so unless you have a suggestion or advice without trying to make me feel bad, please post somewhere else.

 

I was thinking this as I was reading the posts but now you have pretty much confirmed my suspicions. She is removed from her friends and family, that is such a strain, she may be quite fed up and feel lonely. A husband is no substitute for a social network and support. You might find that if you moved over there as a family she may change back to how she was before?

 

I can tell you now that I am a different person around my partner in his town than when we visit my hometown. I could be two different women!

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IMHO, if you two are not walking out right now and are staying together for whatever reason at least for the moment, then you need to find a way to stop the toxicity immediately in this house. Regardless of personal future expectations, unmet needs etc etc, you seem to have lost the essentials of a civilized, non-threatening dynamic between two individual adults who simply don't love each other anymore - if that is the case. You need to achieve something like a truce. She needs to quit abusive behaviour like belitting you etc etc, and you need to stop whatever she says is hurting her. Without discussing who is right and and who is wrong. Couples therapy may help you to create a non-toxic environment for the time being whatever your feelings are for each other. The goal of couples therapy is not necessarily to save or continue a marriage. Many people enter it to be able to find what they really want, discuss their options in a less threatening environment and then negotiate the ways of achieving their goals. Or both of you can try to stop all toxic behaviour on your own, deal with issues in indiviudal therapy etc. But without a saner and more mature environment where belittling, packing etc stops, it is difficult to stay together without generating toxicity. At this stage, you probably have developed behaviour that is having a strong effect on your spouse and you need to stop them, too. This environment is not good for your child, either. Separation would probably be better than modelling how to tolerate extreme unhappiness and giving up the hope of creating happy conditions.

 

Between the options of living under these circumstances and giving up on a life that may satisfy you emotionally, you actually have a lot of options to build something that satisfies you to a greater degree. The same is true for your spouse. maybe you agree to stay together for a limited amount of time where you both try to improve your conditions so you come to a point of living in the same city happily for the sake of your child. There can be many solutions but you need sanity You both sound suffocated and threatened by each other now. You must find a way to stop this even if temporarily. I believe adults can do this and love is not necessary. Respect and proper boundaries can help you do this.

 

At the moment, whatever your feelings for each other are, both of you have a respectable goal, which is the wellbeing of your child. This is important and valuable. If you start negotiating from this common point, things may start working better. In a way, it is also good that both parties are staying with each other for the sake of the child. It means they will be more open to creating options that generate more liberties and happiness for both, following different paths.

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Abitbroken

 

I am NOT walking out on my daughter, that is the reason I am still here, so please do not judge me. I have been unhappy for over a year and I am just asking for advice from people who have been in this situation or can offer advice on how to handle this situation.

 

She does not have post partum as she is normal around everyone, as of now, we are both taking care of the most important thing and that is our daughter so I really don't appreciate your accusations of me "walking out" on my daughter.

 

Much like other couples who have problems, we went through a REAL wedding with REAL vows, although I may have rushed into it, it was real when I married her, but she changed after she moved here, so unless you have a suggestion or advice without trying to make me feel bad, please post somewhere else.

 

Hi. I've read your post and I got a little upset at the accusations and judgment by someone relating to this post, don't let that get to you, anyone reading this can see you are mad about your daughter and if you weren't you'd have left already.

 

It seems to me as if you have just fallen into a loveless marriage and are unhappy. Even if you do stay as your daughter gets older she will start to pick up on that and sense it and it will end up having a negative affect on her, seeing both your parents unhappy won't be good for her, it's better to see two happy parents apart than two miserable parents together.

 

I feel for you though, as I get how hard it would be for a child to have to be so far away. I'm from Ireland so not sure of the distance you're talking about but if you had joint custody you would see her for half the year, which is good, not like little weekends here and there.

 

I hope it all works out for you, and ignore the person who was judgemental, people who pass judgments are always the ones with the most problems.

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Then you sacrifice the job part and you go to Chicago. Start saving your pennies right now, sell that big house and downsize, right now, and start building a financial nest egg so you can start over in Chicago -a major city. See if there is any way you can telecommute either in the position you have now or a different one. Or take an online course to retrain yourself in different or transferable skills. Right now my 7 year old id watching Looney Tunes, has peanut butter on his cheek that I am resisting taking a wet paper towel to, and asked nicely if he can put his cold feet on my legs after hugging me and telling me how much he loves me all before 7am on a Saturday. You won't be able to do that on Skype.

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Whatever happens you have a right to be a part of your daughters life, but I can assure you that staying with your wife for the sake of your little girl is not the right thing to do and your daughter won't thank you for it in the future.

 

If you know that your wife would move back to Chicago, then what realistic option do you have but to go there too, if you want a relationship with your daughter? If you have an established career as you suggest, then surely it wouldn't be that difficult to find a new job nearer to where your daughter might end up.

 

Anyway, it hasn't happened yet. But you need to consult someone who can help you with all the legalities and then you need to do what's best for you and your daughter. Good luck X

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Marriage is the great leveler of the "me" generation.

Advisors here are only the opening act to the pain, suffering and failures headed the Op's way.

 

I think every generation looks at the one coming up as self-absorbed. Many things can help people who happen to be self-absorbed - small acts of kindness, volunteer work, friendship, relationships, marriage.

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Take it easy torn.

 

I think this is good advice, as a starter.

 

"So go to marriage counseling and get to know each other for the first time. "

 

You say yourself:

" I know I rushed into this marriage"

 

In any case, one way or the other, it would be very advisable to see a counsellor, to get a third party objective view on where you can or can't go from here.

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Abitbroken

 

I am NOT walking out on my daughter, that is the reason I am still here, so please do not judge me. I have been unhappy for over a year and I am just asking for advice from people who have been in this situation or can offer advice on how to handle this situation.

 

She does not have post partum as she is normal around everyone, as of now, we are both taking care of the most important thing and that is our daughter so I really don't appreciate your accusations of me "walking out" on my daughter.

 

Much like other couples who have problems, we went through a REAL wedding with REAL vows, although I may have rushed into it, it was real when I married her, but she changed after she moved here, so unless you have a suggestion or advice without trying to make me feel bad, please post somewhere else.

 

Some people on here can be rude can't they? It's sad when you take time out of your schedule to come on here and post about personal life that you need genuine advice on and people begin to judge or say inappropriate rude comments. I've already had that happen on my post . Except mine is alittle opposite. I had to separate and eventually will have to divorce my husband, and have a 9 month daughter that I'm trying to protect from him. He's moving back to Texas ( what a coincidence) which is hours upon hours away and he expects me to be able to let him have her a week or so at a time on occasions even though he can't keep a job or a roof over his head to save his life . And dealing with his narcissistic , drunk, mean bs I will never let that happen. In my case I have every good reason not to let my ex have our child unsupervised, but you, you sound like you actually have a lot of good things going for you aside from your marriage, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to get this figured out fairly in court. And have joint custody. You should talk to her and make sure to come up with a solid agreement unless you can't trust that she'll stick with that agreement in court?

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  • 2 weeks later...

My honest opinion is that you have to let her decide what is best for your daughter. You can't have your cake in this situation. Your wife has to be trusted with what is best for your daughter. If she moves, you have to adapt, or you figure out why now that you are "mentally weak" and can't make it work with your wife. Maybe I'm wrong, but you picked her right or wrong. Find a way to win it and not an excuse to divorce for your daughter if nothing else. If you just can't stand being with your wife, than yes move on. Try to make it as pleasant as possible and in the next few years you have an opportunity to spend time with your daughter. Worst case would be to force your ex-wife to live somewhere that she can't or doesn't want to. Let her sort it out for her. Do the right thing for everyone. In the end it's the best of both worlds for everyone. Bottom line is your doing as best you can right now for you're daughter considering that you are putting her mom out on the street. Irish- live with the commitment. Family.

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