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Lisii

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I am struggling to keep my happy at the moment, so I've decided to start a my own journal of happiness... every time I feel blue I will write something that makes me happy or remind myself that things aren't so bad. I know that there is a thread of what one is thankful for for everyone, but I thought if I could record something for me, I can read back on it and take joy in reading my happy memories.

 

I've decided to limit my time on social media, I have no need to go on it for work anymore, and it's has come to the point where I only go on there to stalk or distract my mind - it doesn't make me happy, it just fills a void. I'm trying to be more constructive with my time, get back into my extra-curricular activities and focus on my mental and physical health, and of course enjoy my kids before they leave the nest.

 

I would like to rid myself of lonely, negative and non constructive thoughts and I'm hoping this will help me in my quest to learn to love myself, something I have always struggled with.

 

 

 

 

xL

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Kids are back at school today they were so happy to see their friends again, No.1 son even shaved his mo - he's super cute, and No.2 son styled his hair - adorable (i didn't have the heart to tell him his bike helmet will squish the look), I am very lucky to have sons that get along (apart from when No.1 squishes No.2's cookie into his laptop keyboard - nothing a vacuum cleaner cant fix... and it will smell cookie-ish from now on... awesome!)

 

The sun is shining and my little garden is bursting with new spring beginnings, Jack the cat is going nuts sprinting up and down the backyard chasing butterfly's ...

 

I looked at my bungalow yesterday and fell in love with it all over again, it's turning into such a beautiful home for me and the boys - I can't believe we have been here 5 years already!...

 

Pilates session for T and I tonight, - here's to strengthening my bum and tightening my belly AGAIN ..

 

I have RSVP'd for bootcamp on Wed, and jogging on Thursday... 15km trail run on Sunday if it doesn't rain - gotta do it!

 

xL

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Taking the neighbours dog for a walk when I get home this afternoon, I hope she's up to go up the big hill last time she dug her doggy heels in and refused to go up the track with me... lazy toad.

 

M is coming to stay with her family on Thursday - It will be so nice to catch up after 2 years! - I may go to stay at my parents lake house as we wont all fit in my little house! M's hubby is a very big man. Fantastic that Boss has approved my day off. (M was one of my Angels when I left my abusive ex a few years ago, I've missed her and the other girls)

 

Need to go to town and pay for my car rego today and renew my license - All these bills at once hopefully means new beginnings as my bank account is taking a huge hit

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Spring rain all day again today - that equates to almost a full month of rain.... everything is lush vibrant green and soggy ... I'd prefer this to the scorched SA summer's of 45+C deg heatwaves anytime. - seriously though... please mother nature give me one day for my washing to dry in the sun!!

 

Sprints tonight, I'm a little scared that's a whole 1.5 hrs of workout .. I will feel it tomorrow, seeing M's coming I wont be able to do the Jogging Group, but that's ok, thinking of getting a wind trainer for my bike, so the boys and I can train inside.

 

Yay day off work tomorrow... !

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M and her family left this morning - such a quick 24hrs, it was great to see them! filled my love tank.

 

I didn't like the photo's she took (one was from my behind) oh my gosh I didn't realise I had put on that much weight... stink.. oh well... couple of weeks/months of training should help a bit. sad.

 

H has asked me to travel NZ with him over New Year while the kids are away, I'm tempted, but worried it may affect our friendship - I'm certainly not wanting a relationship with him... I have told him this... he says he understands and just wants friendship, but this is what happened with P.... he will try. I'm so tired of relationships failing, I have nothing to offer anyone.

 

Trying to have my happy today.. but it is a big struggle. Having M with her hubby and seeing how much they have both worked on their relationship and how much they respect each-other sort of brought me down a little bit... Why can I not have that??

 

Brave face.

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You're still healing. Be kind to yourself. Ending a relationship, rebuilding yourself, then looking to start a new one... it's a process, a journey. It takes time. Chin up

 

thank you WL

 

I'm a little hormonal atm too... so extra emotional/weepy.. I may need to see the doctor (again) I've noticed I'm getting extra sensitive with comments around this time... (I shed a few tears at work the other day as the programmers had a meeting I couldn't get into the lunch room to get a coffee - dumb aye! - also a little FOMO as I wasn't included in the meeting !!)

 

It's just after 7am, lying in bed about to watch Heartlands - blue sky and the birds are happily chirping outside... If the weather stays like this I will take the boys up to the lake.. let nature ground me..

 

^^ yay for auto save! my laptop shut down stupid updates.. ( 1.5hrs... later )

Still in bed, just had porridge with berries Yummmy! and sipping on Tea... two Tui's (native bird) were um 'dancing' outside my window with a little blackbird watching with curiosity... so funny - I wish I was quicker with my camera!

 

I've said to the kids we can sloth until 11am - haven't done that in a long time and i kinda need it.

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Well it rained most of the day yesterday, my eldest and I stayed home and chilled, I made a lovely Chicken curry and vege pie for dinner... super yummy

 

I went to bed last night and half my bed collapsed on me , it was funny as I let M and her hubby stay in my room, the next morning her hubby came out asking for a screw driver... which I lent him, but I didn't ask why... well now I know! they broke my bed... (I'm sitting here typing away with my bed on a lean) - My eldest and I will go to the hardware store later and buy some liquid nails and some wood to brace the joint he broke... Poor man! no wonder he said no to breakfast how devastating for him... (though I have to admit I am laughing... and slightly peeved that I didn't listen to my gut and put them in my sons bed - which is a full ensemble... harder to break.) My poor bed!

 

Farmers market today.. and maybe a walk, if I can motivate myself - the weather is suppose to be sunny...haha! the lies weather forcasters tell! - its raining out.

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I woke up this morning deflated. My depression is in full swing, I don't think about my exbf as much.. that side is getting better.. no contact for 2 weeks (i think.. it could be 3)

 

I feel like such a failure, everything I was so excited about at the start of the year has gone.

 

I have spent the weekend basically staying in the house lounging in my thermals.. I never ended up going to the market's.. I had two gfds pop in (i didnt say anything about how im feeling, but i think they guessed) L tried to motivate me.. so much so I downloaded a few fitness apps to encourage myself. Ended up watching tv drinking wine and eating crackers and blue cheese for dinner. I have woken up with a boated and sore belly 😕.

 

I'm not fat, but I have put on a lot of weight and its not helping.. I feel my legs are heavy and my face is round.. black circles under my eyes (thanks to great diet choice and exssessive screen watching time).

 

I received a call last night, I was on the news.. from an event I worked for at the beginning of the year.. I was so happy and looked healthy.. I'm annoyed with myself for being where I am today.. I can't help but cry).

 

I see a therapist on Wednesday - (New) feel like I'm hanging on by my finger tips) .

 

I also joined a local support team of people suffering from PTSD/depression and anxiety. . Not sure if its helping it making me feel worse. My problems are so small compared with what others are dealing with.

 

I realise this is only temporary.. but today this morning I feel so empty, alone and stupid.

 

This is meant to be my happy journal.. this morning I can't find any happy.

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In a much better in mood than yesterday morning, I'm not overly high on life, but way stronger and clearer in the head.

 

I'm seriously wondering if the bad weekend diet was the reason for my blip yesterday... I took a probiotic and within an hour I was lifted.. (the afternoon was boosted with my run and anti oxi smoothie I had for lunch)

 

I took another probiotic this morning and had a fruit packed smoothie with a bit of linseed oil this morning - will try a run after work and see how I go. Might go to the health shop and see what they can recommend. - I've been reading about how gut-bacteria can possibly cause depression. I'm on a mission.

 

baby Lisii steps

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Went for a run alone yesterday, L can't go with me for the rest of the week.. I feel really conscious out on the trails - it didn't help that I had to run past two tourist groups of about 30 people each... ugh - cant they go to another forest! I had my cap and sunnies on the whole time, only tripped twice... not too bad an effort! haha

 

Terrible sleep, exbf has deleted his Messenger account - not that I contact him, but it sort of makes everything feel so final So everything sort of came up in my mind again, I was questioning everything about the relationship we had, and it was going over and over, how little I knew of him, I woke up drained.

 

Feeling a little better this afternoon, have been helping people at work with queries about our app and setting up new users (shhhh as well as sneaking on the new depression support site I found and lifting peoples moods on there and hopefully giving a bit of help on here), I like helping/supporting people, makes me feel like I'm being constructive - also helps remind me that others have it so much worse than me.

 

Right 30 minutes left of work and I will go into the forest again, I wont run the whole way, but I'll climb the hill.. stretch my legs out a wee bit and run down...

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I didn't go forest, I sat on the couch yesterday. - I did meet up with a girl I once worked with and handed over some merchandising that I had stored at my house. - that was painful - but it will be good to move on from them, they don't treat people well, Another story for another day.

 

I sent exbf an email today, my mum is getting anxious about some carpet that they stored for him - it maybe getting wet so I asked if he still wanted it.. I told him maybe meet in early Nov (I'm still not ready to face him), He wrote back, saying he was going to contact me to see if I was ok, it hurts because he still keeps calling me his Peanut. It confuses me, this was his pet name for me. He also wants to fix some stuff around my parents property.... It sounds also like he's not not winding down the business he reckons they made profit the last 3 months, I also doubt he's done anything about his house sale.... ughhh.. clearly not ready to move on... We will meet in November so he can give me my stuff back and I give him his.

 

I'm sad today, but not depressed... still chirpy in front of others... will try and go to the jogging group tonight... it would be good to get my heart rate up they almost kill me last time.

 

I also think the exbf has been on this site... gulp, but oh well.

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Today was a good day. Work was Meh... nothing overly stressful.

 

I didn't hit the trails, my mum and dad turned up for coffee (dad brought the boys donuts - and I growled... it's a thing, they always bring bad grandparent food and I always growl.. jokingly)

 

Chilled for the afternoon tea and then I grabbed Fish n chips (Fush n Chups - kiwistyle )f or tea. now we are watching The Tuxedo .

 

An exexexbf from when I was 18 has been begging me to go to Bali with him in December , I have declined.. and told him I will ignore him from now on if he brings it up again. So now he's coming here over Christmas (he lives in Europe), he's pretty adamant that he's taking me road tripping... kinda nice getting the attention, but it's not in my comfort zone. I guess I'm still hoping my 'current' ex will reconcile, not interested at looking at anyone else.. I don't know... some days I never want to see his face again.

 

It's Labour Weekend here, three days of sleep in yay!

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I've had a really good weekend. - we have a 3 day Labour weekend, so have stayed at home mostly, and did stuff around the house.

 

I only left the house for shopping and diy materials. I'm such an antisocial gal atm.

 

My mood has been so/so, still feel lonely, I had two girlfriends - (T & K) turn up last night for drinks - completely random and K ended up staying the night, it was nice to just chill with them, but my head is sooooo sore and I feel really dehydrated today

 

Both girls are single like me, and are very attractive, I find it sad that they get the run around looking for love as they are both very sweet and worthy of love. I don't know if it's just in this country, but the dating game is .. I'm glad I'm not ready for a relationship (sort of still hoping G and I will get back together) there is no way I want to go back on OLD the guys around here are gross and players, (so are the girls), from what I see on this site, I would have thought there would be more sincere singles out there... everyone is so fickle.

 

At least I had a nice night... we had a good laugh... and they both were able to see my beautiful Kowhai tree all lit up with Fairy lights - I'm pretty happy with the result I didn't close my curtains last night as I wanted to watch them all night. Today, I removed my curtains and replaced them with some nice sheer white ones - looks so fresh and feminine.

 

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Tomorrow is Friday! Yay, and my best friend is on his way up the island to come and visit me. I'm looking forward to going out and having good old Scottish fun with him tonight. I can always relax around him, and the boys think of him as their Uncle - or as a much much older brother as they are as stupid as eachother! haha

 

I have been asked out on a date next week. I would like to go just out of curiosity - this guy tried to play me for a fool at the beginning of the year ... He sent me a txt out of the blue on Monday night.. When I questioned why he still had my number he said "well you called it off, not me, I really like you, we had a good time together" - possibility that he's going to try and play me again. It wont work, I don't think...

 

Why does finding a soul mate have to be so difficult! - I was talking to my therapist about this yesterday. In the 80's and 90's people werent so fickle.. Internet dating has a lot to answer for. I'm never going on it again... This year anywho.

 

Almost time for home, and then it will be mad dash to the vets with Jack the cat... they undercharged me last month - didn't put his vaccinations down, I could have gotten away with it, but his Vac book hasn't been updated either. - he needs that for flying.

 

3 hours until fun Scottish banter! looking forward to a big man hug

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I just got back from a 6km run! so refreshed - such a different mood from this morning

 

Bounce.

 

Hi Lisii, love the journal, thanks for sharing.

 

Running is one of the most important things in my life. I do it more for the emotional/mental side than the physical. I don't know if you have been running for that long. If you're new to it, I think it can be very beneficial as you work through your anxiety and depression. And if you have been running for a while, you've probably already figured that out

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Hi Lisii, love the journal, thanks for sharing.

 

Running is one of the most important things in my life. I do it more for the emotional/mental side than the physical. I don't know if you have been running for that long. If you're new to it, I think it can be very beneficial as you work through your anxiety and depression. And if you have been running for a while, you've probably already figured that out

 

Thank you Sportster, yes! I love running and hanging out with the trail running community... I have had a lot of health issues in the last 2 years which have hindered my training, but hoping to get back into it fully. - I have no excuse as I live in an area where the trails are at my doorstep!

 

My bestie has motivated me with his humour... I look forward to Sunday when I can get back out, I'm slow on the trails - but at least it lets me take in my surroundings and ground myself.

 

 

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I had a stink Saturday. I drove my bestie to the Airport yesterday and cried all the way home. It was so lovely to have a protective man around, someone who had my back and who treated me with absolute respect. I miss him.

 

In a weak moment during all the stupid crying, I txt my exbf and asked him why did he want to come to fix my parents doors and collect the carpet. - He responded the following:

Hey C,

Why do I want to do your parents door?

Because I know they will appreciate it and it would make me feel good too, I just want to. How are you?

 

It was a sweet reply, but I wonder, does he think about how It makes me feel? I ended up ringing him... I cried, but not asking him back, more a woes me why do people not have integrity when it comes to dating.

He's still going through the same old rubbish, nothing has changed, house not sold, business property not sold..., still no divorce, I told him that he needs to be tougher... otherwise it will drag on another 2 years. (Maybe I was out of term, but I'm over it - not that it's any of my business anymore.)

 

My girlfriends are all on OLD, it's sad listening to them... Kinda digging my heals in more now - I do not want to go back on there. At all... meat market.

 

Finally got out on a run this morning with my gf, did 6.5km just a small slow one, as I have had waaaayyy to much wine over the last 3 days. Felt better after ! Yay! went to lunch with Ma and Pa and the boys... beautiful food yum..

 

I was motivated and washed and vacuumed the car this afternoon... sad to see so many scratches after a year! I'll have to polish it see if she will come out tidier.

 

So now I'm sombre catching up on emails and faceplonkbook.

 

Ooo I've been asked to go on a 10 day Vipassana Meditation course... seriously considering it - though not sure if I can keep my mouth shut for 10 days!!! I'm very interested!!!

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Why are you still communicating with your ex? Honest question, no judgement.

 

.. we communcated once before this to catch up to swap gear.. but I couldn't do it. This past Saturday I was in a very very low spot.. and stupidly sent him that txt.

 

(I have a garage full of carpet of his (for his warehouse) , too much to freight or post, so had organised to collect it in mid november.

 

😕

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Today I'm ok...

 

I think I'm more aware of where I am, a lot of my questions were answered internally yesterday. I feel good.. still not overly confident to go out into the real world alone, but happy enough to get off my bum at home and stop watching Netflix (and that is a huge step!).

 

I felt silly for contacting my ex yesterday morning, but you know what!? I think it may have helped me close that door to my wounds, the fact that he's still in the same hole doesn't impress me much. I didn't think of him today. M rang me this afternoon to make sure I was ok, and my girlfriends are constantly checking on me. (I've never really had a lot of girlfriends since school finished... I always had more in common with guys, but I'm finally in a place where I feel I belong with a few and love hanging with them) What's nice is all my friends are from different walks of life so its not clicky.

 

Tomorrow is another day, I am pitching my business idea to someone already in the field and will hopefully get her as a mentor. I'm getting a little excited!!

 

 

It's nice feeling relaxed. I will put a face mask on tonight, sip some Feijoa tea and watch Walking Dead with my sons. ekkk!

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