Should I stay or should I go?

I'm making this post to help me talk/think through all the sludge to see if I should continue to stay in my marriage or to leave it.

Very brief background:

we both came from dysfunctional homes where our parents divorced around age 10 (for both of us). His Dad was an alcoholic and my Dad was a classic abuser... Physical, emotional, mental, and according to therapist sexual. My Mom stayed with him for 25 years which means I saw and experienced way too much.

The custody battle after (for both hubby and myself) was brutal and for me involved going to court 8-12 times over a 3 year period and testifying against my Dad. I was 11 the first time I did that.

My husband and I knew we'd have a tough road when we married. I started to abuse my husband...I really think since we started dating, but looking back our dating relationship was crazy and dysfunctional anyway (though I had very little awareness of that at the time).

Back in 2006 I had a brief emotional affair which is actually when I saw my flaws for the first time and realized I was my father. I began therapy and we went to marriage counseling. Over the last 10 years our relationship has changed a lot. We've both changed a lot.

After the birth of our son, back in 2014, I was diagnosed with PPD, but was in denial about it, so did nothing to really help myself as I should have. I slowly started supplementing, going to a coach, eating better, and helped myself out of it. It's taken 2 years, but I finally feel back to myself.

About 6 months ago my Mom died. I was the executor of her will, so I had a lot resting on my shoulders. Not to mention in the last couple years we walked away from our house, so we had to move again. Us moving and selling my moms house all took place within 3 months time. It's been a whirlwind and I finally feel like I can breathe.

All these years I considered if hubby and I should split, but because we always seemed to be improving I put it on the back burner. Prior to my son coming along we were in such a great place (for about 2 years-I felt we were solid).

When my mom passed of course I grieved. Honestly I'd started grieving a year prior because I knew she was going to die- end stage COPD. It's a nasty illness that kills it's victims slowly. Horrible to have seen what my mother became.

But one of the things that sent me into sheer panic was "OMG, my safety net is gone- if hubby and I were to ever split what would I do!?!?" I'm a stay at home Mom. I do have a side business that's currently not bringing in income, but I am working on it while I finish a schooling program that will help me with marketing it. My back up plan is to do residential cleaning to get fast cash, if we shall need it (if my business takes longer to grow than I'd like).

I will be inheriting a good sum of money...not enough to make me rich or anything, but a sizable amount that could 1) really help hubby and I out for starting over once our credit improves or 2) could help me start over solo. We are currently living at my MIL's house (she has lived elsewhere for 16 years), so we live with my sister in law.

So why leave my marriage you ask?

Part of me feels like if I'm ever going to now is the time. I'll never have this much money all at once to start over again. If I mix those funds with ours or purchase joint property than hubby would get half if we split.

The last two years, while still better than ever between us was still more volatile than I'd like especially with a little one around. Nothing physical. No abuse if any kind, but just arguments. My friends and other family say "yeah but you've both been through a lot the last 2 years- new parents, our parents dying, walking away from our house-we lived there for 10 years, and starting a business", so basically there's bound to be fighting.

That said, we did quickly rectify the fighting in the sense that we'd make sure son wasn't around, avoided each other in morning since neither of us are morning people etc. we tried to be proactive about where we saw trouble and honestly the fighting has dwindled down. We've only been living with SIL for about a month now, so living here adds a new dynamic...more places to each go if we need down time, etc.

The problems that still exist or are present:

1) we don't have sex...there were periods where we were quite a bit, but that has since stopped.

2) divorce was brought up a lot by him in the last 2 years

3) he makes zero effort for date planning or anything romantic. I used to do all that, but told him it was getting old and it'd be nice if he'd plan some outings. He never has. I stopped.

4) we have vastly different views on nutrition- I eat real food...he eats like he's a teenager still. This has become an issue only as it relates to my son...which leads me to...

5) we have different views on how son should be raised. He won't do his research or give anything solid to backup his decisions, so he defaults to whatever I want. I know this will backfire eventually.

6) when he gets mad at me his initial reaction is to leave (he's always done this and it's better than it was as he used to leave for a couple days whereas now it's just hours), but he doesn't say anything to our son, so I field questions from an almost 3 year old of "daddy leave? Why he didn't say bye?"...

I admit a lot of what makes me consider leaving is the fact that financially I know I'd still have a safety net. Whereas once that money gets blended I'm back to freaking out. Ha!

I start therapy again tomorrow and am considering, in addition to it, movement therapy, as I've noticed since becoming a Mom there is loads left for me to work on. I WILL END THE CYCLE OF ABUSE IN MY FAMILY NO MATTER THE COST.

I'm interested in points I may not be considering and also the wisdom from those here on ENA.

VG.

The answers are right there in your questions:

"The problems that still exist or are present:

1) we don't have sex...there were periods where we were quite a bit, but that has since stopped.

2) divorce was brought up a lot by him in the last 2 years

3) he makes zero effort for date planning or anything romantic. I used to do all that, but told him it was getting old and it'd be nice if he'd plan some outings. He never has. I stopped.

4) we have vastly different views on nutrition- I eat real food...he eats like he's a teenager still. This has become an issue only as it relates to my son...which leads me to...

5) we have different views on how son should be raised. He won't do his research or give anything solid to backup his decisions, so he defaults to whatever I want. I know this will backfire eventually.

6) when he gets mad at me his initial reaction is to leave (he's always done this and it's better than it was as he used to leave for a couple days whereas now it's just hours), but he doesn't say anything to our son, so I field questions from an almost 3 year old of "daddy leave? Why he didn't say bye?"..."

You must make this decision alone, but I think you know deep down where your future lies. and you may never have that safety net again.

"Feel the fear but do it anyway".

Can you choose to keep the money separate for awhile? Is there some reason you need to break up or blend your inheritance soon?

On a personal note, I stayed in an abusive relationship for a long time because "it's getting better". We worked our asses off and it did get better (we were both willing to do therapy and we stuck with it for years) but here is the trick... it never got good. It just got less awful.

The big questions are:

Do you want to fix it?

Does your husband want to fix it?

If you sat down with him and explained how you are feeling about your relationship and your safety net, what would his reaction be? Would he be willing to put in the effort and work? Would he start a big fight and blame you? Would he shut down and leave?

This is a big complicated question. I would suggest you look into the laws around your inheritance and see what kind of time frame you have.

VG.

 

The answers are right there in your questions:

 

"The problems that still exist or are present:

 

1) we don't have sex...there were periods where we were quite a bit, but that has since stopped.

 

2) divorce was brought up a lot by him in the last 2 years

 

3) he makes zero effort for date planning or anything romantic. I used to do all that, but told him it was getting old and it'd be nice if he'd plan some outings. He never has. I stopped.

 

4) we have vastly different views on nutrition- I eat real food...he eats like he's a teenager still. This has become an issue only as it relates to my son...which leads me to...

 

5) we have different views on how son should be raised. He won't do his research or give anything solid to backup his decisions, so he defaults to whatever I want. I know this will backfire eventually.

 

6) when he gets mad at me his initial reaction is to leave (he's always done this and it's better than it was as he used to leave for a couple days whereas now it's just hours), but he doesn't say anything to our son, so I field questions from an almost 3 year old of "daddy leave? Why he didn't say bye?"..."

 

You must make this decision alone, but I think you know deep down where your future lies. and you may never have that safety net again.

 

"Feel the fear but do it anyway".

In the back of my mind I've always thought in order to grow I'd need to be alone. Save for a few months at a time I've been in a relationship since age 13. I'm now 37. Yikes!!

Can you choose to keep the money separate for awhile? Is there some reason you need to break up or blend your inheritance soon?

 

On a personal note, I stayed in an abusive relationship for a long time because "it's getting better". We worked our asses off and it did get better (we were both willing to do therapy and we stuck with it for years) but here is the trick... it never got good. It just got less awful.

 

The big questions are:

Do you want to fix it?

Does your husband want to fix it?

 

If you sat down with him and explained how you are feeling about your relationship and your safety net, what would his reaction be? Would he be willing to put in the effort and work? Would he start a big fight and blame you? Would he shut down and leave?

 

This is a big complicated question. I would suggest you look into the laws around your inheritance and see what kind of time frame you have.

In the research for our state (though it was our old state...we've since moved, which makes it even more confusing) I'd read that as long as the money is separate and there were no plans for it being used jointly than he couldn't touch. How that's proved though....I don't know.

I don't have the funds yet...it's a good 5-6 months (at minimum from what I've been told) before I'll even see the money. I'm in no rush...just doing my homework so to speak. I think I should see a lawyer...question is should it be in our current state where we're living now? Common sense says yes...hmmm...

Yes I would like to fix it.

He says he does, but no actions to back it up.

Well, this week I was bought flowers(2nd time since son born) and I did get a back rub that I didn't ask for, but I don't recall the last time that happened.

I have shared with him about the safety net of losing my mom, but never drew the bridge between that and the money and what that means for our marriage. I have a fear of him becoming irrational and vindictive as I witnessed when my parents split though I've never seen evidence of that from him.

He says he wants to work on it, but no action. He has blamed me for a lot of our problems, and we talk a lot about owning our sh*t. He's gone in and out on that issue....at times he very much does and will apologize for his end of things, but it's a 50/50 shot. Usually after some time he sees it and owns it, but sometimes only after I point it out. We've talked about if we split while living here and he says he'd go live in the RV out back until I get my stuff together and can secure a place to live.

Actually, before moving here he said something about wanting to separate, but not as a precursor to divorce...more or less to take a breather from each other. But then he turns around and says after all the stress of the last couple years maybe just some time here (where I'll admit feels SO much better than where we were living) we'll both have the breather we need. What I mean by better here is: more community based, we can afford YMCA to help get healthier, support for me through a moms co-op, and outdoor space for him to be able to work outside, which he loves.

But will you end the cycle of divorce/broken homes? Is it a matter of the heart or head at this point? Sure a checklist of the usual issues parenting, finances, different tastes, sex, etc exist but those are usually amenable to marriage counseling because those are quite common.

Keep in mind you can divorce someone but that doesn't fix everything. Perhaps decide what's minor such as the junk food thing and what is major such as no sex, depression and chronic financial issues.

I start therapy again tomorrow I WILL END THE CYCLE OF ABUSE IN MY FAMILY NO MATTER THE COST.

]

But will you end the cycle of divorce/broken homes? Is it a matter of the heart or head at this point? Sure a checklist of the usual issues parenting, finances, different tastes, sex, etc exist but those are usually amenable to marriage counseling because those are quite common.

 

Keep in mind you can divorce someone but that doesn't fix everything. Perhaps decide what's minor such as the junk food thing and what is major such as no sex, depression and chronic financial issues.

 

]

 

So true!!!

We have had the convo that we can split up, but we still have to be good communicators and co parents or we will put our son through hell. So that basically means we gotta be pretty awesome together whether we stay together or split up.

 

I really feel that the financial issues were partly because of timing (more so the last few years) and (when we were both making really good money) early on extremely irresponsible decisions...which i was the source of, I admit it.

 

The no sex and depression definitely are a factor. With him it seems tied to his thought patterns, but he's made real strides in the last couple years with changing that. He used to come across as bitter and angry all the time, but that's not the case now. He has shared he feels stifled by his career choice and wishes to change careers, which he's looking to do while we're here.

You guys have spent your entire life in a lot of bad relationship environments and have both been effected greatly by that, as well as the bad air in your own. Perhaps I missed it in your post but has counseling been discussed or even used? You both need a lot of help unlearning a lot of behaviors, both learned and developed, and its very difficult to tackle on your own. Even should you divorce your husband I would seek treatment. Just in what you have written hear there is a lot of signs of you being afraid you'll become your parents. That alone needs to be dealt with.

You guys have spent your entire life in a lot of bad relationship environments and have both been effected greatly by that, as well as the bad air in your own. Perhaps I missed it in your post but has counseling been discussed or even used? You both need a lot of help unlearning a lot of behaviors, both learned and developed, and its very difficult to tackle on your own. Even should you divorce your husband I would seek treatment. Just in what you have written hear there is a lot of signs of you being afraid you'll become your parents. That alone needs to be dealt with.

Oh yes, I was in therapy for many years. Stopped shortly after my son was born and will be returning tomorrow. I know I still have work to do.

We attended marriage counseling together but it's been a long time and we've wanted to go but no money to do so. Since that isn't a factor now it makes sense for us to go again. I'm willing.

Oh yes, I was in therapy for many years. Stopped shortly after my son was born and will be returning tomorrow. I know I still have work to do.

 

We attended marriage counseling together but it's been a long time and we've wanted to go but no money to do so. Since that isn't a factor now it makes sense for us to go again. I'm willing.

Well as you obviously know, it takes 2

The real question isn't whether or not a couple fights, it's HOW they fight. Is conflict being reduced, or is it conflict for conflict's sake? Are problems being solved, or are the fights accomplishing nothing? Sometimes a couple that doesn't fight at all is closer to divorce than a couple that fights often, because they've both stopped trying.

I've heard it said that you shouldn't make any major decisions the first year after losing a parent. It can take time to work through your grief. Your scenario, though, is not uncommon -- sometimes going through a crisis like this highlights the fact that a relationship is not strong enough to provide the security you are looking for.

Your comment about thinking you need to grow on your own is interesting. Sometimes being with someone can help knock off the rough edges more quickly than being alone, but it depends on the relationship. Being with someone who keeps you stuck obviously isn't ideal.

Kudos on starting therapy. I think the next 6 months are going to be very pivotal in your life. Whatever the outcome, you will be stronger for having faced these challenges. Listen to your intuition and decide which path, single or married, will lead you to greater happiness and ultimate triumph over dysfunction.

The real question isn't whether or not a couple fights, it's HOW they fight. Is conflict being reduced, or is it conflict for conflict's sake? Are problems being solved, or are the fights accomplishing nothing? Sometimes a couple that doesn't fight at all is closer to divorce than a couple that fights often, because they've both stopped trying.

 

I've heard it said that you shouldn't make any major decisions the first year after losing a parent. It can take time to work through your grief. Your scenario, though, is not uncommon -- sometimes going through a crisis like this highlights the fact that a relationship is not strong enough to provide the security you are looking for.

 

Your comment about thinking you need to grow on your own is interesting. Sometimes being with someone can help knock off the rough edges more quickly than being alone, but it depends on the relationship. Being with someone who keeps you stuck obviously isn't ideal.

 

Kudos on starting therapy. I think the next 6 months are going to be very pivotal in your life. Whatever the outcome, you will be stronger for having faced these challenges. Listen to your intuition and decide which path, single or married, will lead you to greater happiness and ultimate triumph over dysfunction.

There were definitely times, especially since becoming parents, that we'd bicker over the dumbest things.

Once I started noticing, for instance, hmm it always seems to be "because I'm tired" or "its too early for that kind of talk" or my hubby likes to plan his day when he wakes up vs. I like to plan mine the night before....it seemed to me all new things we wouldn't have known about each other before becoming parents. He used to work days but switched to 2nd shift when becoming a dad because then he got more face time with our son (rather than just a couple hours -at most-before our son would go to bed). Anyway, once we talked it out and started being more proactive our arguments started becoming about the actual important things....that trend continues and we do make progress.

One year....I've not heard that but will heed that advice. It makes sense. Losing my mother feels like both my parents died because she was both mom and dad to me for so many years and she gave me everything and supported me through thick and thin. She was the only constant in my crazy life for so long. Ugh...

I can say I've made huge changes through our relationship. It definitely knocked off many rough edges. He encouraged me to go back to school, to grow, to travel, to start my business,...he's always been supportive of me growing my branches...socially, personally, professionally, etc. it's never felt stagnant except the issues listed above.

We actually talked tonight. He's very eager for us to go to marriage counseling for the above issues, so for that I am grateful.

Thank you for the encouragement I think if we can address these issues head on like we did the others I'll be as secure in this relationship as I can be (of course my own therapy should help with rest-and of course my hard work!!!).

Thanks rosephase and wiseman for reminding me about talking to him and marriage counseling.... duh lol it's why I post here. Sometimes I'm so caught up I can't see the forest from the trees!