Am I being too harsh or a push over?

First post so here goes feel like I don't have anyone to turn to about this.

Been in a relationship for about 6 years now all has been great for the first couple of years, honeymoon period passed and still together. Things like texting all the time have chilled and we are both pushing 30.

My partner has recently started drinking quite a bit again (few times a week till late) didn't mind so much as Im not a big drinker and he likes a drink now and then. He drinks until around midnight and then comes home (we live together). A few weeks ago he told me there was someone at the bar that likes him but he has stated to them he isn't interested. I trusted that and moved on although something o note is that he does go for drinks with this person occasionally too.

Last week he went out with a different person and I got the usual "going for a few pints". Thing is this person didn't stay out long and it turned out they spent the rest of the evening drinking with the person who likes him. What is worse is his phone went off (battery died according to him) at around midnight and I didn't see him till 2am.

Found out this morning that they kissed that night. I was quite calm and although a bit hurt decided as a one off I would let him off but not to do it again.

Turns out now he wants to go for a drink with the same person again... Am I right to be worried about this or am I overthinking it? Im not gonna stop him going out but if anything happened again Id end it pretty quickly just wanted to get peoples thoughts on this situation.

How can you tell if they are friends or hooking up?

Last week he went out with a different person and I got the usual "going for a few pints". Thing is this person didn't stay out long and it turned out they spent the rest of the evening drinking with the person who likes him. What is worse is his phone went off (battery died according to him) at around midnight and I didn't see him till 2am.

I would not be okay with this. He's proven he can't be trusted. Why wait for additional proof he's a cheater or risk feeling foolish when you find out there's more than just kissing going on? Yes, you should be worried - both about him and his behavior and the reasons you put up with it.

Being honest I cant. Don't use social media and never see his texts although he texts people all day every day. In my head if Id kissed someone and regretted it I would make more of an effort not to drink alone with them again, unless I was open to the idea of repeating it.

I would not be okay with this. He's proven he can't be trusted. Why wait for additional proof he's a cheater or risk feeling foolish when you find out there's more than just kissing going on? Yes, you should be worried - both about him and his behavior and the reasons you put up with it.

You've made a lot of sense. Im questioning why I am being so relaxed about it out loud but then playing it through my mind in private. I kind of feel like I need to see what he wants to do with himself to make a decision(if that makes sense) in other words give him either an opportunity to prove me wrong or right and decide alone based on that.

He kissed someone and you are ok with them hanging out again and drinking...

I don't get this...

My first concern would be the drinking, to be honest. If this other person is also a heavy drinker, that's even more worrying as they will be enabling each other. But out until 2.00am, when he told you he was going "for a few pints"... sorry, but this is the sort of thing my alcoholic father used to come out with.

As to the suspected infidelity; nobody knows apart from the people involved, but it does seem quite likely from your description of the facts. It's all decidedly dodgy.

If you can get yourself out of this situation as quickly as possible, then do so. It's not likely to get better, and the long-term effects of living with someone like this will be very damaging to you.

I kind of feel like I need to see what he wants to do with himself to make a decision(if that makes sense) in other words give him either an opportunity to prove me wrong or right and decide alone based on that.

I can understand this point of view. Just make sure you aren't in denial (not wanting to face the inevitable). You could get really, really hurt if you stay in the relationship and think everything is okay when he is actually cheating on you (perhaps serially).

Why don't you go with them? Is it an everyday pub or a gay bar?

In my head if Id kissed someone and regretted it I would make more of an effort not to drink alone with them again, unless I was open to the idea of repeating it.

Going with him was my next plan... To view the way they are with each other and see what is actually going on.

Well, she doesn't go with him because she said she's not much of a drinker, and he's drinking every night. That's my first concern. Alcoholism in itself is a problem especially in a relationship, and if he's doing it all the time then he's trying to drink some pain/thoughts away. My second concern is that drinking severely lowers your inhibitions, and you already know he's kissed someone else. You remained calm, and now you're prepared to let it happen again. You didn't set any boundaries, you didn't say this is not okay. Of course he wants to see this person again, he got away with it the first time, why not? It's the same reason drinking became a habit, you just let it happen. I agree that you shouldn't attempt to control your partner in any way, but there's a difference between being controlling and setting up boundaries. It seems like you haven't set any boundaries with him, so you are at the beginning of what I'd call a slippery slope.

You need to tell him you are not okay with this if you are not okay with this. If you are only slightly hurt that your partner kissed someone while out drunk at a bar, then maybe you should reevaluate your feelings and your relationship.

Turns out now he wants to go for a drink with the same person again... Am I right to be worried about this or am I overthinking it? Im not gonna stop him going out but if anything happened again Id end it pretty quickly just wanted to get peoples thoughts on this situation.

Taking this as a once off I can understand but the fact that he wants to go out with this person again is a HUGE concern. That's a boundary I personally wouldn't be willing to budge on. It's even more disheartening that he hasn't done this on his own (made a commitment to never go out with this person again) in order to mend the trust and the relationship damage his actions have caused. Not looking good, I'm sorry.

Honestly, if it were me, I'd tell him to lay off the booze and start coming home at night. And i'd be out the door if he didn't.

If he hasn't cheated already, he is well on his way to doing so. I can't understand why are you staying this passive, when he is blatantly disrespecting you and not even trying to hide it? "Cool girlfriends" are really not something you should aim to be, because it is usually at their own peril.

While I firmly believe one cannot tell an adult what to do, in this case I think you should have put your foot down a long time ago. Even now it's not too late to sit him down and have a serious conversation with him, and let him know how disrespectful his actions have been towards you and that you are not going to stand by and watch him become enamoured with someone else.

If he refuses to listen, then leave him if he changes nothing.

His phone "died" for 2 hours and all they did was kiss? Yeah right. He probably did more and thinks my admitting the kiss he will throw you off the trail. Prepare yourself to find out they slept together.

A pushover. Get into Al-Anon, you're with an alcoholic since yeah he has a drinking problem. And then yes, he is cheating. If you need proof positive in order to leave the relationship then sure, hire a P.I. to follow him, get the pictures, then go. I would personally have already told him, "If you are going to continue to push boundaries like this and get yourself into situations that allow for cheating then count me out, because I'm not your mom and you're not a kid and you know what you're doing is wrong." And when he got back it would be to either an empty house or locks changed and his stuff sitting outside the door depending on who's house/apartment it is.

But that's just me and I wasted too many years on bad relationship including a six-year one that I finally walked away from when it dawned on me that things were never going to change.

And you need to stop a moment and re-read what you've written here, because things are escalating. They aren't getting better. He's not drinking less, he's drinking more. He's not stopped seeing other women out when he's drinking, he's adding more to his shenanigans. All while you sit at home doing what exactly?

I'm sorry this relationship sounds like it's simply devolved into you have a partner who expects you to stay at home cooking and cleaning while he's out partying with other women. What part of this is only going to get worse and worse, because it already has been do you not understand?

All I can tell you is what I did, leave because you don't want six years to stretch into seven or eight. You don't get that time back, let him have his bottle and his cheating, isn't it time you choose to have a good life instead?

OP, where the heck is your backbone?

He has already cheated, in my books. I would define kissing another person while you are in a committed, exclusive relationship as cheating - but do you? It doesn't sound like it. And I agree with another posted who pointed out that kissing is very likely not the full extent of it.

Because you didn't already set a boundary, he's testing you further to see what he can get away with. So far you're pretty complacent, it seems. Sorry, but it sounds very much like he's falling for this other person. And he's got a drinking problem on top of it.

I think you are completely under-reacting and being rather naive if you assume his version of events is the gospel truth. There is probably more you don't know. A lot more.

You are being a push over