To Tell or Not To Tell?

Should you tell your husband or wife that you've cheated on them? I'm talking just a 'one and done' thing. If you want to be with your spouse for the rest of your lives and believe you can hide that mistake, should you?

This is a tough one and is a very individual thing. It will be 50/50. I know I couldn't live with myself and the guilt would destroy me and in turn the marriage too. Knowing this, I would never cheat in the first place.

I would be more inclined to be asking why you had the affair in the first place?! "Just a one and done" thing makes it ok, does it? Nah, don't get it.

I think the guilt and fear he will eventually find out will drive you absolutely mad. If I were your husband I would want to know. Then I wouldn't be living as a fool. I could make a choice to accept it, or to move on from you.

That's kind of a tough one... I can only speak for myself... I would even if I knew it would never be found out. The idea is not to ever cheat. that way you never have to cross that path. Then we add in the fact that we are human and we get ourselves into a situation where we let our guards down or we get angry at our spouse or BF/GF because they cheated so we cheat ourselves. Or it could be an acquaintance, a coworker, an old flame or friend or someone you are just totally attracted to. Gheesh... There is a myriad of situations that can crop up that weakens our resolve and we just do it.

 

How do we deal with this intensely strong desire that develops when we get into puberty and beyond? It ain't freaking easy and it lasts your entire adult life. It's in your brain and it screams at you sometimes... GOTTA HAVE IT!!! NOW!!!

 

Going back to the question... Do you tell even if you'll never be found out? Yes. Why? Because if you're a normal person you're going to feel guilty about it. If you don't care then you're likely going to do it again. That's my opinion.

If you believe you can hide it then do. It is your responsibility to shoulder your own pain and to protect your spouse from it.

If you're low enough to cheat, you should fess up to it and face the music. I don't think someone that cheats deserves a free-ride to keep it secret all their life. "One and done" does NOT excuse cheating. It tells me the person cheating has NO self control, dignity, and respect for their spouse. If your partner doesn't think you deserve to stay with them after telling them the truth, then you got what is coming towards you.

I'm a big proponent of asking yourself "in what way could they possibly benefit from telling someone something?"

 

I think when a person cheats, it's on them to shoulder the guilt. Cheating is selfish enough as it is. Dumping that kind of pain on your partner on top of it is just that much more so. Either leave it as a "one-and-done" or dump the partner while leaving their sense of trust intact.

 

I'd make sure you're real honest with yourself regarding the reason(s) you cheated, though. Whether there was any emotion there or if it just came down to a hot dude and booze, I'd err on the side of some marital counseling.

I always said when I wasn't single. If I wanted to cheat I wouldn't be with you I'd be with others. You are talking about a deal breaking situation for most. I'd tell them then they can make their decision.

The marriage that I know most intimately that survived cheating of the worst kind - sustained over months, requiring travel, with the other partner's best friend - they did not tell each other.

 

They DID talk to each other about how to find a relationship with each other like they wanted, how to accept themselves and each other, how to make themselves happy. In about two years and ever since then, they were and are more strongly comitted to each other.

I always said when I wasn't single. If I wanted to cheat I wouldn't be with you I'd be with others. You are talking about a deal breaking situation for most. I'd tell them then they can make their decision.

I say something similar, but opposite. Though I never have cheated and don't see myself doing so (I'm more than comfortable asserting myself if I want out of a relationship before it would get to such a point), if I were to cheat on a partner, I would simply leave them. The only time I'd divulge it would be if I were asked. I firmly believe that you simply don't inflict that kind of psychological wound on someone without them consenting to it.

 

Not telling the person isn't a "free ride" as others might suggest. Cheaters don't confess the deed out of some kind of altruistic motivation to give their partners a clean choice. We know what the choice is 95% of the time, whether it's ending the relationship right away or torturing themselves with a trustless relationship however much longer before finally ending it. Cheaters confess because they can't carry the guilt and unloading it without regard to the impact it will have on their partner makes it easier.

If you're low enough to cheat, you should fess up to it and face the music. I don't think someone that cheats deserves a free-ride to keep it secret all their life. "One and done" does NOT excuse cheating. It tells me the person cheating has NO self control, dignity, and respect for their spouse. If your partner doesn't think you deserve to stay with them after telling them the truth, then you got what is coming towards you.

 

Be careful when making this judgment. Life is long. Dark times, confused times, times when we wonder what we're doing, when it seems we are giving ourselves to work, kids, home, spouse, and we need a vacation from everything, all of it. Rather, we THINK we need a vacation, when really, we need to embrace it and be thankful.

 

During those dark times, people are lost and make decisions that reflect the small picture in that frame of time, like a snapshot, and not the big picture of what they want, the movie of their lives.

 

Not an excuse. And yes, to resent our responsibilities is a former of disrespect and self-doubt etc.

 

It also is a very real, dark, and overwhelming part of the human experience, for many people.

 

Forgiveness can lead to understanding can lead to a path into a better way of thinking living and loving.

 

A marriage can survive cheating.

 

A marriage can not survive resentment.

I couldn't live with it ....

It's controversial as to whether a ons is worth inflicting pain on your spouse to unload guilt or whether it's best to move past it with the cheater carrying the burden alone.

I'm talking just a 'one and done' thing.

Same issues?

It's controversial as to whether a ons is worth inflicting pain on your spouse to unload guilt or whether it's best to move past it with the cheater carrying the burden alone.Same issues?

 

I agree totally ....there is no solid answer here , it is a personal choice ...it is mainly to unload the guilt the person carries ...they want to be unburdened to then live in bliss and in a blink of an eye that unburdening can be the end of your relationship ...I will never tell anyone what to do in this situation .

You do know this is a 50-50 right? Some people would be like, "Jeebus, I did not need to know that." And others are going to be, "What about MY choice to have vital information that my partner potentially put me at risk of an STD, a life-threatening one even, obviously is withholding something major about our relationship not working or they wouldn't have cheated to being with, AND potentially put me in the crosshairs of a crazy person ala Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction." (That last point, man people just never think about that one, but I worked in a women's clinic and you would be surprised how many stalking situations come out of one partner sleeping on the other with someone who has major issues of their own then decides to eliminate or terrorize their perceived competition.)

 

So for me yes, I'd want to know the second option. Darn right, I would. And you need to take the consequences of your actions, because life itself has consequences. It's not fair to put someone else at risk of those consequences without a peep until things go south. Not fair at all.

 

And if they decide to leave you then there you go, maybe next time you will think a bit before jumping into something that can have dire consequences.

 

Sorry, I'm all for put the big kid underwear on and ride it out. And stop treating your partner like mom or dad and you're a naughty kid trying to hide the broken vase under the bed, because yes the vase is broken. So is your relationship if you did that, even as a one and done. Because cheating is one of those behaviors that is sort of like stealing or hurting someone or taking a life - the first time is always the hardest and after that it gets easier. It's called desensitizing yourself to bad actions that have major consequences and unfortunately most people's impulses are "I didn't get caught THAT time, so what's one more time gonna do."

 

A lot, and sadly maybe not just to you, but to the person who has no clue your actions may go beyond just you to involve them in a world of pain that goes beyond just the emotional. So yeah, speak up and take your lumps now, so your partner can make a choice as well. Yes, marriages and relationships can survive cheating, but that depends on both the individuals and whether or not they want to make an honest go of healing and improving things.

 

And the simple fact is you cannot heal and improve things if you can't be honest about what caused you to go off the rails in the first place. If you think just springing it on your partner might be a problem, then ask for couples counseling and/or go see someone on your own to get some tools for the best way to handle it. I know I sound harsh here, but human nature doesn't work well with keeping secrets if improvement is desired in an area, any area really. That's as much the nature of humanity as is the concept that it gets easier to do wrong things the more you do them and don't get caught.

 

For those reasons alone I will always advocate coming clean with your partner is the better way to go.

I'm in the 'who the hell are you to decide what I should and should not know' camp.

 

There is no relationship if you cheat on me. I'm real clear on that too. So if someone cheats, hell yes I want to know.

 

With holding is piling one betrayal onto another.

Susie.

 

Are you talking about yourself here, or some other person(s)? You mention "husband or wife"......

 

"Should you tell your husband or wife that you've cheated on them? I'm talking just a 'one and done' thing. If you want to be with your spouse for the rest of your lives and believe you can hide that mistake, should you?"

 

In a thread back some months you did say your husband won't have sex with you. Is that correct?

I think the guilt and fear he will eventually find out will drive you absolutely mad.

Me too.

 

Also, I do think cheating, even if it is a "one and done," does speak to your character. And I think your partner deserves to know your character.

 

Unless your partner has specifically said, "I wouldn't want to know," I think the default assumption should be they would want to know. Because honesty.

Um, if you cheated on your partner, do you really want to be with them for the rest of your life? Because you already legally made that promise to him when you got married and you have broken it. If it were me though, I would be too consumed with guilt to be able to "hide the mistake," plus I would be more inclined to leave the relationship because I know that a relationship based on lies is not a good relationship at all. If you don't tell your partner, you are turning your relationship's foundation into dust and that dust will eventually blow away uncovering your mistake.

 

I'd say your partner deserves to know, you should tell him and let him make his decision because he may not want to spend his life with you after he finds out, which is a reality you'll have to face due to your decision to cheat.

I've been thinking about this this afternoon..... A friend of mine cheated and he got caught out by his own daughter who didn't even approach him and went straight to his wife and just about everyone else before telling him she knew. .... rightly or wrongly. Consider the same could happen to you. I would want to know..... that said, he'd be out and the locks changed.

Susie hasn't been back to say if she is referring to self or some other person/persons.

If I were your husband I would want to know. Then I wouldn't be living as a fool. I could make a choice to accept it, or to move on from you.

Totally agree. I would want to know, to be able to make a choice. It's enough already being cheated on, but then to cover it up and make me look like a fool on top of that?? How dare they! Selfish to the extreme (imo). Ugh.

I would want to know. I don't want any choices to be made for me. I think that's disrespectful.

At the end of the day, when you lay your head on your pillow, the only thing you get to take with you is your integrity.

If you won't try, you'll never know or get it.

 

 

Ps, Sorry Hollywood, you can't have or take love without integrity first.