Parents Sabotaging Adult Daughter's Close Friendship

Hello everyone,

I am a 28 year old woman, am an attorney, and am happily married. I have always been dedicated to social justice and youth justice and currently work in that field. A couple of years ago, I reconnected with an man who is around my age and has been in prison since he was 16 years old. He is serving life without parole. He grew up a couple of blocks away from me. This man had an extremely turbulent childhood, is incredibly remorseful, and has turned his life completely around. He is incredibly kind and sensitive and positive (always thinking of ways to make the world a better place, he is a model inmate and counsels mentally challenged inmates in his free time), and he has become like my brother and is very special to me. My husband is very supportive of our close friendship and understands that this is very important to me.

The issue is with my parents. I currently live with my parents because my husband took a job in a far-away city. I am looking for jobs there but don’t want to quit my job and move and therefore am living with my parents until I find a new job. My parents get incredibly upset about this relationship, they tell me he is evil and that I am cheating on my husband and am a . The one time I was talking with my brother on the phone, my mom heard me laughing and forced me off the phone and told me I sounded giddy and was in love with him. I assure you that there is none of that going on. My brother and has no one else in his life, and there is no way that I would leave him. Ironically, when I was 15 years old, my parents took me to watch his preliminary hearing when he was 16 because they thought it would be a good learning experience. This day was what peaked my interest in social justice. I saw that he and the other defendants were just kids like me. I was the only kid in the courtroom going home ever.

I am so torn and upset over this and am at the point where I feel I need to quit my job to get out of my parents house. I would greatly appreciate and advice or opinions you have on this matter.

In brief, Charlie.

Get a job in the city where your husband is currently working.

Besides which, if you are an attorney surely you are making enough to get yourself (albeit temporarily) a small apartment? You don't need to quit your job to leave your parents house. Quitting your job should be because you are going to move to where your husband is.

You need to get involved in the day-to-day of married life, together with your husband.....

Yes.

What Seymore said......

I have questions.

You "reconnected"? What was your connection to him before he got locked up?

If you were so close, why did it take you ten years to reconnect?

He's been locked up for twelve years for what? That had to have been pretty serious...

You do realize that cons can be experts at mind control, right?

Also, he is not your brother. You don't just reconnect with someone after ten years and two years later he's your "brother". The way you refer to him almost makes me think of Stockholm Syndrome...

It sounds like you are sabotaging yourself to be honest.

First of all, you are 28 years old and you went through law school and became an attorney. You are a grown adult woman, why are you 1) living with your parents (I get your husband is away, but find your own place or stay with a friend then, you are a working adult I don't see why staying with your parents is your only option); 2) letting them control you.

Secondly, stop calling this guy your brother because he's not your brother. I have a best friend that I think of as a sister but I don't call her my sister when I refer to her when speaking with others. It does sort of sound like you have a weird emotional attachment to this man and his case dating back to your teenage years. Almost like an obsession.

I don't think your parents are the problem, and the way you describe yourself and your situation sounds like you are a teenager with little to no control over your own life. If you are happily married, why are you still at home while your husband is elsewhere? What's actually keeping you in your hometown? Is the prison there, do you visit him often in prison? Is that, in part, why you haven't been able to find a job in your husband's new city and move? I think you ought to take a step back and look at this as objectively as possible.

Yes, Brie.

I had wanted to ask that question too.

"Is the prison there, do you visit him often in prison? Is that, in part, why you haven't been able to find a job in your husband's new city and move?"

Also, look up Dr. Robert Hare's writing...

and listen here

Everyone - I am actively looking for jobs where my husband is living and see him every weekend. I just haven't been hired yet. In the meantime, I am working full time.

To be honest, he's not your brother and your relationship is overly close, not in a cheating/romantic way but in an emotional way. It sounds like being long distance from your husband has left a void and you are clinging to this acquaintance you call a 'brother".

It is also interesting that as an attorney you seem somewhat blind to the fact that prisoners are often sociopaths and therefore particularly charming and manipulative. If they weren't that way before sentencing, they will surely learn it in the prison system.

Perhaps your area of expertise is not criminal law? Some case studies on the kind of followers and fan-base Richard Ramirez and Charles Manson had would give you some objective clarity here.

I agree that you should leave your parents and that city and move to your husband asap, not because of what your parents think but because the situation is a slippery slope and not healthy for your marriage to be LD for this long.

I currently live with my parents because my husband took a job in a far-away city. My brother and has no one else in his life, and there is no way that I would leave him.

" My brother and has no one else in his life, and there is no way that I would leave him. "

Could you explain this sentence in full, please, Charlie.

What do you mean by "leave him".....

To be convicted with a life sentence at 16 takes quite a crime. You talking about a convict serving a life term for whatever horrors he had committed as some kind of a sweetheart teddy bear of a human being is rather concerning. I hate to say this but your parents are correct that you have become charmed by a conman and over involved emotionally with someone who is actually capable of deep evil and will happily use and manipulate a naive nice lady lawyer who thinks she can save the world.

Please do yourself a favor and work harder on getting a job where your husband is because the emotional connection you have built up with this convict is the emotional connection you should have with your husband instead. You are in effect emotionally cheating on your marriage. Also, keep away from convicts. You sound like an incredibly nice, kind lady but dangerously naive.

Yes, who's helping who comes to mind as well.

I think your parents are concerned about your involvement and how healthy it is? You're going to be moving away... will you be able to visit this man once you move away? Do you never visit him but only correspond and/or chat on the phone? Why is it that an experienced lawyer can't find work where her husband is? Are you being honest about your emotional connection to "your brother?"

Bottom line: who is getting the most out of this relationship with this man? You or him?

Everyone - I am actively looking for jobs where my husband is living and see him every weekend. I just haven't been hired yet. In the meantime, I am working full time.

The only thing I can suggest then is that you move out of your parents house. Rent a small appt, or try to find a room mate where you are not locked into a long term lease. As long as you're in your parents house, you're going to have to deal with their opinions about this.

Yes, this sentence was quite interesting the use of "brother" to rationalize the closeness and also that she "can not leave someone" who is neither her client nor brother.

" My brother and has no one else in his life, and there is no way that I would leave him. "

Could you explain this sentence in full, please, Charlie. What do you mean by "leave him".....

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Just an FYI for some of the posters - at 28 she is not all that experienced and really rather green as a lawyer in the US. Social justice means she makes peanuts and the legal profession is in the tank when it comes to finding jobs of any kind. She'd have an easier time getting a job as a waitress than a lawyer. So let's not take her looking for work and failing as an issue - it's an issue of a very saturated field and lack of jobs as a result.

Just an FYI for some of the posters - at 28 she is not all that experienced and really rather green as a lawyer in the US. Social justice means she makes peanuts and the legal profession is in the tank when it comes to finding jobs of any kind. She'd have an easier time getting a job as a waitress than a lawyer. So let's not take her looking for work and failing as an issue - it's an issue of a very saturated field and lack of jobs as a result.

I agree that at 28, she's not that experienced of a lawyer. It's hard to leave a full-time job when you don't have another lined up. But it also does seem that she is using it as an excuse or a reason to justify her 1) living with her parents (there are other options for housing, I'm sure) and 2) her not being able to move to the new city with her husband when I think part of that reason is her emotional connection to this convict. Also, as to her blindness about criminals, that seems like something you understand better as a criminal prosecutor. Someone with a heart like hers and given the inspiration for her to obtain a JD, I assume she's probably a criminal defense lawyer, therefore she's more inclined to have sympathy for criminals instead.

I also think that finding a job in a far away city would be easier to do if you were in the city...

I think her not finding work in her field is the least of her worries. I don't know but if my husband was in another city working, then I would be there with him looking for work and, if necessary, taking anything I could should the money be an issue.

Hi everyone. Some of these responses have been really insulting - i.e. calling me an immature teenager and asking what's wrong with me that I can't find a job. I came here for help, not shaming. I haven't found a job yet because the job market for lawyers right now is difficult, and I am particular about what kind of work I want to do. Yes, I am being honest about my emotional connection, and believe it or not, I get a lot from our relationship as well. I've never once sent him money, and he doesn't want it. We are just friends. I say he's like my brother because we are very close, like soul siblings. I do not visit him often, but I have visited him before.

Also, the city that my husband moved to is one of the most expensive cities in the country. I am living with my parents so we do not have to pay rent at two places. I don't want a gap in my resume, which is why I'm still working in my hometown.

Hi everyone. Some of these responses have been really insulting - i.e. calling me an immature teenager and asking what's wrong with me that I can't find a job. I came here for help, not shaming. I haven't found a job yet because the job market for lawyers right now is difficult, and I am particular about what kind of work I want to do. Yes, I am being honest about my emotional connection, and believe it or not, I get a lot from our relationship as well. I've never once sent him money, and he doesn't want it. We are just friends. I say he's like my brother because we are very close, like soul siblings. I do not visit him often, but I have visited him before.

You say you've "reconnected" with him, how did you know him before he was incarcerated?

Also, he is 4 hours away from our hometown. I stop by when I drive out there to visit my Aunts and Uncles that live around there a couple times a year.

Hi everyone. Some of these responses have been really insulting - i.e. calling me an immature teenager and asking what's wrong with me that I can't find a job. I came here for help, not shaming. I haven't found a job yet because the job market for lawyers right now is difficult, and I am particular about what kind of work I want to do. Yes, I am being honest about my emotional connection, and believe it or not, I get a lot from our relationship as well. I've never once sent him money, and he doesn't want it. We are just friends. I say he's like my brother because we are very close, like soul siblings. I do not visit him often, but I have visited him before.

I would think differently if you were an advocate of other inmates trying to better their often deplorable conditions and the affect of their terrible upbringing but you are doing what you're doing for one person and I don't say this in meanest, but I believe your attachment is unhealthy. I'm also surprised that your husband is 'okay' with it.

Sometimes, subconsciously when we really don't want to do something but it's expected that we do it, (like move city's to be with a loved one) then we don't put in the good effort that we need to in order to facilitate the move. Not saying that's what's happening, just putting it out there as a possibility.

This attachment to your "brother" could be holding you back. In any event, I think your parents have your best interests in mind and are acting from what they have been witnessing. They aren't doing it to spite you, I'm sure.

Hold up there, Charlie:

I haven't seen anywhere in the considered responses here that anyone said this:

"calling me an immature teenager and asking what's wrong with me that I can't find a job"

There is no such thing as a soul sibling, Charlie. I think that at 28 you are an adult woman, a lawyer, with the training that implies, and you are a married woman as well.

Posters on here are not going to tell you (or indeed anyone else) what they might like to hear. We wouldn't bother to reply at all if we didn't care. Could you possibly calm down and just think of that for a moment.....

You did say in your OP:

"I would greatly appreciate and advice or opinions you have on this matter."

and that is what you got, totally and sincerely.

I am at the point where I feel I need to quit my job to get out of my parents house.

If you want to be picky about your profession and live at home while you find whatever you consider the right fit for you, that's on you. But the surest way to be treated like a child is to be dependent like one.

Frankly, I find it surprising how you, as someone who proclaims about being passionate about social justice, could complain about being provided a home as a 28-year old woman considering how many good, honest people find themselves living on the streets. You more than anyone should be able to chalk up your situation as a relatively small price to pay, especially considering the voluntary nature.

Hi everyone. Some of these responses have been really insulting - i.e. calling me an immature teenager and asking what's wrong with me that I can't find a job. I came here for help, not shaming. I haven't found a job yet because the job market for lawyers right now is difficult, and I am particular about what kind of work I want to do. Yes, I am being honest about my emotional connection, and believe it or not, I get a lot from our relationship as well. I've never once sent him money, and he doesn't want it. We are just friends. I say he's like my brother because we are very close, like soul siblings. I do not visit him often, but I have visited him before.

Really? Do you get a lot out of your other relationships...like...oh, say your HUSBAND?

What is keeping you from living with your husband? I hear a lot of excuses but if he's in another city and making ends meet I would certainly think your own husband wouldn't have an issue with you living with him and not working temporarily. I hear a lot of excuses. I would certainly think an employer would accept the gap in your resume if you explained the situation to him. In fact, if you were to say "Oh, I visit my soul sibling in prison", THAT would be much more likely to lose you a job prospect.

This is not shaming, this is reality and it's not what you want to hear. Your parents are not wrong and you have a seriously odd infatuation with a convict.

I don't mind if people "side" with my parents. I just don't appreciate the comments about how I'm a failure because I haven't found a job. For the record, I've been applying to about 10-12 jobs a week, sending emails everyday to potential employers, I work full time, and I spent 2 hours each day commuting. I am not putting off moving in with my husband for this guy. If I could move in with my husband tomorrow, I would, believe me. That is not the issue. I don't want to live with my parents anymore. I just want advice about how best to handle the situation while I am still here.

I didn't read where anyone called you a failure. What I am reading is that responders are questioning your priorities.