Gaining Trust after lies and betrayal

Well, where to begin. I've been with this man for over a year and a half. We've already been through a lot together in that short of time and he understands why I get so insecure and untrusting of him. Without getting into the ugly details, he has done me some serious wrongs that are taking me a while to heal from.

This year alone, he has let me down a few times. I would start to gain trust in him again and then I would find out about his online prowling for sex. As far as I know, the sexual act never happened but I told him flat out the intention was there.

Now, believe it or not there has been a change in him and he has been making an effort to show that he loves me and only wants me. I do feel that he's being for real this time and I have gained some trust in him but apart of me is waiting to be disappointed again. It's to the point where I search for the signs and I over analyze things and make accusations with no form of proof. I would realize my mistake and apologize but I can't keep living like this.

They say you can't have love without trust but I know I love him very much and I want to get past this unhealthy state of mind of investigating his every move and words. I literally feel like I'm going crazy. It's starting to drive him to the point of giving up. He will leave my life just so I don't have to worry about being hurt by him again. Is more time to heal the key. What can I do to stop myself from acting like an FBI agent investigating like an idiot

Agree this is unhealthy. He is a chronic cheater and/or prowling for random sex. To be honest you will never know whether he is hiding it better or has actually stopped..at least for now. Keep in mind what you find and what he has admitted to is just the tip of the iceberg.

The only thing you can do to stop feeling like "an FBI agent" is to realize how unhealthy he is and this whole dynamic is. His behavior is repetitive so it's only a matter of time until you find something again but again be aware he's probably just covering his tracks better.

Sorry but it would be best to end it. There is really no solution for someone who prowls for sex chronically other than to end it and get some std testing and therapy for insight as to why you would stay, despite being hurt.

This year alone, he has let me down a few times. I would start to gain trust in him again and then I would find out about his online prowling for sex. What can I do to stop myself from acting like an FBI agent investigating like an idiot

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I have had tests done already and I am clean but that don't mean it still can't happen if he's hiding it better. He doesn't get out much besides with me, and his health is poor. A month ago he had 2 heart attacks and if I wasn't there to react he wouldn't be here now.

Ending the relationship would be the logical choice but we decided to work through it. I am in therapy actually and I do talk about it. I stay because I love him, crazy right? However, if he's just hiding it better it won't be for long. He's not tech savvy like I am. I protect myself and the internet I pay for ethically. I'll throw him out of my house and I have help and support to do it if it ever goes that way.

So how many times does he have to get caught doing bad things before you understand that this is who he is and either you can accept the bad and live with it and turn a blind eye or you can't and need to walk away. Whatever he gets his rocks off on is not going to change.....ever.... and love won't solve things either. He will just learn how to pacify you better and hide the other side deeper from you.

I have had tests done already and I am clean but that don't mean it still can't happen if he's hiding it better. He doesn't get out much besides with me, and his health is poor. A month ago he had 2 heart attacks and if I wasn't there to react he wouldn't be here now.

 

Ending the relationship would be the logical choice but we decided to work through it. I am in therapy actually and I do talk about it. I stay because I love him, crazy right? However, if he's just hiding it better it won't be for long. He's not tech savvy like I am. I protect myself and the internet I pay for ethically. I'll throw him out of my house and I have help and support to do it if it ever goes that way.

.....doesn't sound like you love or respect yourself and your health and well being much....or at all.......

Is he impotent? How is your sex life now? Are these just fantasies for masturbation?

his health is poor. A month ago he had 2 heart attacks

Your right I don't. I suffer from borderline personality disorder and tried to end it a few times. Here I am getting my issues torn apart by others instead of checking into a mental hospital.

I have experience with this and let me tell you, this is only the beginning. I was with my ex for almost 3 years. It was the same situation, he let me down several times within a year, I caught him prowling on Plenty of Fish, Criagslist, and more. He lied to me over and over. He says he didn't sleep with anyone or meet anyone in person and that it was all online flirting, which he only did because apparently I neglected him (what is he, a freaking child?). Each time, we fought. Each time, he turned the tables on me, called me crazy for snooping, made me feel like a psycho. After that, I tried to remain in the relationship for another 2 years and kept finding more and more things. I felt insecure and crazy, I felt compelled to snoop again. I found myself wondering who he was with, who he was texting, etc. I became a person I hated.

Finally, I decided to leave a long while ago, I still live with him though and it sucks. I'm losing our dog which he gets to keep. He decided he wanted me back and made some major changes. He's great now, only it's too late. If he had been this way in the beginning, we'd be happy. But too much wrongs have been committed and I don't feel comfortable in trusting him anymore, so I have to move on. You can heal for sure, I'm healed. I used to hate and resent him, I used to victimize myself. I don't do that any longer. I think highly of him now, he's a person who made some mistakes, he has a great heart and I'd like to be his friend but I understand that once we move out that won't happen for a while. Regardless of what he did to me, I still loved him and shared part of my life with him, and will make sure he can count on me in the future (to an extent). The tables have turned so much for me that I'm not the one doing the hurting. It doesn't feel good, it feels horrible.

I suggest you just end this now. Your inability to trust him fully will never go away. It's been damaged beyond repair and it will continue to creep up on you in the future even when you think you guys are finally getting back to normal and feeling as happy as ever. Especially when you feel as happy as ever. Save yourself from many more months or even years of inner pain, and move on in hopes that maybe one day you can be friends.

Our sex life is great actually. We are open with each other about fantasies. In fact we were going to take the next step to explore a little more but he got to excited and crossed boundaries and ruined it. He acknowledges his mistakes and the risks he's taken aren't worth losing a woman that foolishly sticks by him. There's a lot more to it than I can write here, didn't exactly want to write a novel lol. I just want to free myself from insecurity. People can change by their own choice and he's shown that in his actions. I stress him out now with my borderline issues and it isn't good for his heart

Is it possible that having BD you think you need to settle for this?

Imagine if you didn't have a disorder. Do you think you would stand by him still?

I only ask because you've brought it up twice. I can't help but get the sense that you will over look this if he overlooks yours.

What can I do to stop myself from acting like an FBI agent investigating like an idiot

What you can do is leave him, and at the same time understand that infidelity is one of the most difficult things to forgive. It can happen, but the chances of progressing to the long term are slim to none. You'll drive yourself crazy constantly wondering where he is, who he's with, etc. In other words, it's very likely that dark cloud will always remain over your head, while waiting in the wings for that next shoe to drop.

Your call...