Cannot tolerate my sister-in-law, ugh!

I really, really hate my husband's sister. He is closer to her than anyone else in his family. Do I have to suck it up?

For some background, our immediate families are very small and my husband's parents died a few years ago. He only has 2 sisters, and this one "Mary" is who he is closest to. Mary is a doctor with a specialty in oncology and is married to an oncologist.

To say that Mary is missing the sensitivity chip is an understatement. She may be book-smart, but her emotional intelligence is 0.00. That's where she loses me.

What brought things to a boiling point lately is that my husband got a diagnosis that is related to her field. We live in a medium-sized town with a decent hospital nearby, but my sister-in-law is associated to a larger hospital that is more highly regarded.

When my husband got his diagnosis, he told me first then immediately called his sister. I thought his sister would jump on it, find a specialist at her hospital, and be a trusted adviser for him and me. Instead, she told him our smaller local hospital was much easier to work with and that his current doctor was "good enough" at this point.

He had surgery recently at our local hospital (not hers), and his sister showed up in the waiting room without even contacting me. I told her I was surprised to see her, she just shrugged. My mom sat with me and said reassuring things like "everything is going to be OK" and "we'll get the best doctors on this". His sister sat 3-feet away from us paging through a magazine and never once engaged in our conversation. She was not there for me or even for her brother. i cried with my mom and his sister never even looked at me. When the surgeon came out and told me the procedure went well, his sister listened then went home. She never saw her brother after surgery - which I think she should have done.

I spent the next few days taking care of my husband as he recovered. When I logged onto my email after a few days, I saw his sister left me an email the night of his surgery asking if I had any updates. I replied to her email 4 days later giving her my cell phone to call in the future. She has not since replied or contacted me.

In the 15 years I've known her, I've tried to find something I like about her, but we have no common ground. I am polite at holidays and that is it. Her recent lack of compassion, poor interpersonal judgments, and overall lack of regard leave me feeling hateful toward her.

My husband can find great medical care without his sister. I know that, but he has blinders when it comes to her. Now that he is ill, I cannot make things worse by stirring the pot with his family.

When his dad died a few years ago, his sister handled all the arrangements. One thing she did was have her dad's gold teeth removed and she sold the gold for money. She is a doctor and does not need the money. Why? I thought she showed huge lack of respect for one's parent, and am surprised it is even legal in the US.

I think his sister loves people thinking she holds "the cards" and this gives her a sense of power. I believe she withholds information so others have to come to her, and it makes her feel like the authority figure.

Do I have to just suck it up and say nothing? Is her behavior normal for medical professionals in the family? If I say something about his sister, it will just make him feel worse and he is already feeling scared and alone. What would you do?

Thanks for any input.

It sounds like she is kind of cold and maybe lacks some bedside manner. I would not take that part personally. Sounds like that's how she is.

But this is what I'm confused about, how is she "holding the cards" and having the power here? It sounds like you WANTED her to take the reigns, have him go over to her hospital, find a good doctor for him, and be an adviser to you and your husband. That sounds like her taking power...which you later said you DIDN'T want her to do. Yet, she didn't do that here. She told him to stay at his local hospital, with his local doctor, and was very hands-off during the procedure (and her lack of bedside manner made you upset) and then asked you for updates.

These are not the actions of someone who wants to take control of the situation.

So I'm confused....which did you actually want? Did you WANT her to take control and get him into her hospital, with her doctors, and hold his hand through the whole way? Or did you want her to not do that?

Agree with this. Don't waste your time criticizing her to him, it will make him defensive and cause a useless rift between you.. Just deal with her from as much distance as you can.

I think his sister loves people thinking she holds "the cards" and this gives her a sense of power. I believe she withholds information so others have to come to her, and it makes her feel like the authority figure.

She is a doctor and probably trying to hold it together. Doctors face a lot of burn out. Sometimes burnout can cause doctors to be "impersonal." As for her behavior in the waiting room she might have been quiet since she might have suspected that you don't like her. There are certain protocols when a doctor is at another hospital that is not their workplace. Also she most likely works long hours and could only fit in a small time slot. Your SIL may not like the way some things are handled at her hospital and might think that your husband would get a more hands approach at your hospital.

As for taking care of the arrangements for the funeral, your FIL may have asked her to be in charge of it since he may have known your SIL could handle it. Your FIL may have wanted the gold taken out of his teeth to help pay for the funeral arrangements so that his children did not have to pay for anything.

Instead of getting angry that she didn't go straight to emergency settings, try to take comfort in that she wasn't worried.

Also I get the feeling that she would be damned if she did and damned if she didn't. You're angry at her for taking charge, but you're also angry at her for not taking charge. That's not fair.

If she'd tried to get you in at her larger, more respected hospital, there's every chance that your husband would have had a much longer waiting time to get in to see someone. You're angry at her for not offering favours that you don't even know she could access.

She contacted you about her brothers surgery, and you punished her for you not checking email for a couple of days, by waiting even longer to tell her. Of course she's not called you.

Also, doctors are not encouraged to tell people that everything will be ok. Because that's not something they can guarantee.

If she is so close to him, of course she will be scared and worried, but it seems to me that you want to punish her for not performing these emotions in the way you approve of.

I agree with agent. I still fail to see how her actions with your husband are her being controlling or holding all the cards. She advised him to stick with his own doctor at his own local hospital. How the heck is that controlling/in authority position over him?

At times of great stress, buried emotions are likely to rise to the surface and old wounds inadvertently get opened. Having said that....

From your description of this incident, it doesn't sound as though she did anything wrong. Sure, it wasn't the way you'd have dealt with it - but this doesn't make her emotional intelligence 0.00.

Professionals who work in areas which most people find disturbing and upsetting (e.g. cancer treatment, severe mental health problems etc) HAVE to adopt a detached view of the subject or they wouldn't survive. Your description of her advice makes her sound rational and not over-emotional; she kept her cool in a situation which would have seen many people absolutely hysterical.

I also don't see why she should feel obliged to contact you to say that she'd be turning up at the hospital, for example - heck, it's her brother!

in fact, you might like to reflect on your statement that she "loves people thinking she holds "the cards" and this gives her a sense of power" when you didn't respond to her email requesting information for four days - and then to give HER the number to contact YOU.

Don't waste your energy hating her. Use it to be with your husband, who you describe as being scared and alone. He needn't be, with you by his side. But that's a role you will be unable to fulfil if your thoughts are about her rather than about him.

Wishing you and your family all the best in these horrendous times.

Your anger is very misguided here. Previous posters have given you valid perspectives.

My two cents is simple: it is not your SIL's job to throw you a Pity Party. There. I said it. You gained enough emotional support from your mother. You were not grieving alone. You do not need to drag his sister into your own emotional grief. I grieve the same way as your SIL in bad situations because I feel someone has to put on the brave face- and I have gotten pissed at family for criticizing how I handle my own grief all because I'm not crying on someone's shoulder.

Go take a chill pill and help your husband recover. Focus on what is more important right now.

My aunt sold my grandfather's gold fillings. She didn't "need" the money, but she sold them. She used the money towards the funeral arrangements. Obviously, it didn't cover it, but it made a little dent. And my grandparents were very clear that it would be a waste to bury them with gold fillings. And it IS legal in the US. A funeral director may sometimes ask the family what their wishes outright are in that regard if they notice the deceased has gold fillings. It is soo uncommon to have them these days, I would say everyone who does is 75 and over. So before you decide she's greedy the sister could also be the eldest or the one that was most level headed in a crisis and was appointed to take care of things.

This woman sounds like she is very sensible. And she did what she could to offer support by advising that your husband was best treated where he was at - it was easier to navigate through the red tape of a smaller hospital and it must not have been a cancer that was at the stage to be life threatening, also, perhaps, because of when it was caught.

She has your cell number now. If she has a reason to call instead of email, she will do so in the future, but expect that she will contact your husband first because they are close. Also, if you are bristly towards her, she might not be wanting to just call you up for a casual chat. Also, as a doctor, it is far easier for her to text or email than it is for her to find a time that is at a good hour for you.

You must make the decision to have a good relationship with your sister in law - you may not be best buddies, but to have a cordial relationship is what you should strive for and you are not helping with your attitude.

Do I have to just suck it up and say nothing? Is her behavior normal for medical professionals in the family? If I say something about his sister, it will just make him feel worse and he is already feeling scared and alone. What would you do?

You're smart to consider your husband's feelings, and that can only benefit your marriage. Instead of 'sucking up' the kind of animosity toward SIL that can only harm my own stomach lining, I'd flip my own perspective on this and muster up some compassion for SIL's limitations. While you were fortunate enough to have your Mom alive to see you through this, you can't possibly know what the deaths of SIL's parents have done to her inwardly, and I'd view her appearance of coldness through a lens that wams my own heart on her behalf.

My guess is that over the years your feelings have been hurt by your reasonable attempts to win SIL's attention and affection, and her lack of responsiveness has left you cold. That's understandable, but I'd consider that the only people we harm with our hurts and resentments is ourselves--and possibly those we love should we come out sideways in inappropriate ways. You are making an admirable attempt to avoid doing that to your husband, so extend the same thoughtfulness to yourself by accepting what you don't know how this woman has been impacted by her own hardships.

Holding a compassionate view of SIL instead of resentment can only benefit you and those around you, while the opposite doesn't serve you in any way, and it only makes your challenges more difficult--have you noticed?

Head high, and float to higher ground. You will thank yourself later.

She is a doctor and probably trying to hold it together. Doctors face a lot of burn out. Sometimes burnout can cause doctors to be "impersonal." As for her behavior in the waiting room she might have been quiet since she might have suspected that you don't like her. There are certain protocols when a doctor is at another hospital that is not their workplace. Also she most likely works long hours and could only fit in a small time slot. Your SIL may not like the way some things are handled at her hospital and might think that your husband would get a more hands approach at your hospital.

I agree with the others and especially this.

I think because you don't like her, whatever she does you don't like. But I don't see what she did that was so wrong. Perhaps not comforting and impersonal, but I think she's got some reasons for that. And that doesn't make her a bad person.

First of all, I'm sorry to hear that your husband is sick, and I hope he gets better very soon.

I don't mean to pile, but just want to quickly add that I agree with the others who have posted. I'm hoping since so many of us see the situation in a similar light, you will consider our perspective. I'm sure there are many years of resentment and hurt feelings under all that you have said, which is surely coloring your view of the situation, but based on what you've written, I also don't think your sister-in-law did anything wrong.