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Seeking Advice on Relationship Conflict/Lying


marissalace

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Hi there, this is my first time posting to a relationship forum but I guess I'm seeking the clarity/insight I need to move forward with my relationship. Apologies in advance for the long post and I greatly appreciate any advice provided.

 

About a year ago, I moved to the city I now live in after graduation and met a guy (call him Jake) during a sports game at a bar. It was a week night with work the next day, so not a typical night out on the weekend - we engaged in small talk/flirtation and exchanged phone numbers before going home that evening. Fast forward from that, we always texted a little on and off but never made any plans for a date. I ended up rekindling with my ex-boyfriend from college for a few months and stopped talking to Jake completely. My relationship was him was very toxic, as he did not give me the love and support I needed in a relationship and he was very self-centered. Once that finally ended for good with no plans of reconciliation, Jake and I started to text a bit again and would meet out on the weekends with our friends. We never kissed or anything, as I never wanted to do that before we had an official date, but we did start to get to know each other on the foundational level. He told me about how he grew up in the city, went to high school nearby and attended a local university for his undergrad degree, now living in his own apartment nearby. We could feel the chemistry and attraction between us and eventually went on our first date. My feelings continued to grow for Jake as he treated me perfectly in my eyes, always kind and caring, taking initiative to make plans, communication, paying for dates/taking me out, sending me surprise flowers, etc. He never made me think twice to question his trust, which meant everything to me after a very damaging relationship with my ex-boyfriend. However, I did notice that Jake rarely talked about his family/upbringing unless I asked direct questions in which I still received very little information. As our relationship continued growing, I eventually learned about the passing of his father when he was 18 years old. His parents had never married, and his mother passed when he was 8. Jake has no other siblings, so after that, Jake lived on his own in an apartment as a senior in high school, paying for all of his own bills, etc. This was different for me to hear, as I had been raised by my two parents with a brother. I never thought about paying a bill when I was that age, making my own doctors appointments, or raising myself.

 

We've now been dating for a little over eight months (five as officially boyfriend/girlfriend), and I've never thought differently of him because of what happened. In fact, I only respected and cared for him more, as he works full time and continues to support himself after everything he went through and is just a great guy all around. Jake finally met my family for the first time last weekend. I could tell he was being more shy since my family tends to be louder/more sociable off the bat whereas Jake takes a little time to warm up to others and open up. He's different from my ex in that he doesn't need the center of attention, and that's one of the things I like about him. I thought the meeting of my parents went well overall, and my dad thanked him for coming after we left. Now, a week later, my mom calls me to talk and says she's been meaning to discuss something but didn't know if she wanted to bring it up or not. After small some talk, she finally admits that she didn't entirely trust Jake's backstory of attending the university he claimed, etc. and decided to just research a little. She also asked me about any stories he told of his college experience, and I said he was always very vague if it came up. Ultimately, she told me she had found no ties between him and the school he said, and wanted me to be careful in trusting what he had told me about his education and story. Being emotional as I am, I decided to just talk to him about it last night and give him the opportunity to tell me the whole truth. I was very skeptical as I didn't want to accuse him of lying by any means, but my family means everything to me including their opinion of my significant other, and of course our relationship and trust.

 

For the first time, Jake was very open and emotional with me (I've never seen him cry), telling me that he actually did not complete his undergrad studies. He had attended for a year or so taking classes but everything that happened with his father had taken a toll on him at that young age and he began to isolate himself. He tried working for his cousin's financial company instead for awhile, but the entry position for interns was unpaid and he wasn't able to support himself doing so. He said he had lied about completing his degree because he never thought I would have given him a chance in our relationship since I graduated with my Bachelor's and worked a full time job out of school with decent pay. He thought his story would scare me away, and wasn't able to face telling me the truth before meeting my parents in the fear of disappointing me and my family. He said he had told me his story as he wished it happened if his father hadn't passed away when he was just a junior in high school. All of this crushed me to hear, because I do love him, and his education is only a small part of who he is. It doesn't add to his values, his goals for the future, and the person he wants to be now. I was upset that he had lied, but I understood completely where he was coming from and how it quickly grew over time in the fear of letting me down. It's easier to just let a lie continue to live/not talk about it when enough time passes by. He never elaborated on his education or tried to claim all of these experiences, he just never talked about it. He works a full time position within sales without the degree (he just got promoted last week even) and says that since being with me, he feels the happiest he's ever been and is excited to continue his future with me while growing in his career. I do forgive him, and he is still the same person in my eyes - if anything, I love him even more for his strength and the experiences that shaped him.

 

My only fear now, is acceptance by my family. I told my mom everything as she is very understanding like me. Her only concern is hoping my father will feel the same way in giving him a chance/understanding his lie regarding education, and that he will be able to be a lifelong partner for me. As shallow as it may be, I feel as if they've always envisioned me with a lifelong partner who received a Bachelor's/Master's, works in a very respectable industry with high pay salary (finance, medical or engineering), has a similar family background, etc. even though my father himself never completed college and also works in the sales field as a regional manager. Jake is everything I could ask for in that he loves me, cares about my wellbeing, treats me good, makes me laugh and wants the same things I do for a future, family and more. I do trust him and forgive him for this.

 

I guess I'm seeking insight/advice from an outside perspective in that I'm doing the right thing for myself and our relationship. The thought of ending things over a dumb lie breaks my heart, when I have a great guy sitting in front of me regardless of his background or education. I know my family will love him just as I do once we move past this. In a year from now, I know it'd be as if this never happened - he just wanted to be the guy he thought I would consider long-term with. He knows now I wholesomely accept him for who he is and I feel as if this creates a refreshed foundation for our relationship to continue even stronger. Thank you for any advice/support.

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Don't worry about who your parents think you "should" marry. If you feel he has the substance and character you seek then go for it.

 

He came clean about his lie, which you ascribed to insecurities and forgave him.

 

Take it slow and see how things unfold.

I feel as if they've always envisioned me with a lifelong partner who received a Bachelor's/Master's, works in a very respectable industry with high pay salary (finance, medical or engineering), has a similar family background, etc. even though my father himself never completed college and also works in the sales field as a regional manager.
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Oh man, this is tough. On one hand, lying about anything major is a huge red flag...often times is a deal breaker.

 

On the other hand, he is clearly ashamed of the way he handled it...and that he hasn't completed his degree.

 

Does he want to go back to school?

 

I moved out at 14 and worked full time in high school and tried to put myself through college...it's really hard. You don't have the same life your friends have- they have expendable income...they aren't struggling to study after work. So I'd cut him slack there.

 

If he wants to go back to school, it could be a goal you work towards together (if you end up staying together and marrying). If he doesn't want to go to school...you have to decide if you love him as he is. He's worked pretty hard to be where he is.

 

Part of dating is determining if your life goals line up, and how values sync. You'll have to really think on this.

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We haven't yet talked about his goals for a future education/obtaining a degree - everything I shared above only happened last night, so I feel that there's more conversation to come with this. Its definitely something I'd like to discuss and he knows he'd have my full support. Thank you for your advice.

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Wow seriously you have been dating for 5 months and your mom is already nit picking his background and history.

 

How about you make this a two person relationship and work on building on it and when things get serious you will start worrying about others acceptance. I'm pretty sure your parents trust your judgement... and will be in phase with the choices you make.

 

The lying is a pretty stupid mistake thats on him but be careful on how you let your family get involved into your relationship. I'm over a relationship where just like you I'm a family guy to the core that was dating a girl with no family and in retrospective for her all that involvement was overwhelming and was one of the factors in the breakup.

 

After only 5 months i gotta admit its scary

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Yes, of course! We switch between hanging out at each other's apartments (he does live alone in a nice one-bedroom apartment) and while I haven't physically been to his workplace, he sends me Snapchats (ha) of him from the office, his co-workers/friends, etc. I fully trust him in every other part of our relationship.

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I completely agree with you - that's why I was very hesitant to even have him visit my parents but they were anxious to meet him and I didn't want to seem like I was hiding my boyfriend for any reason. I've always valued their opinion but you're right that it's our relationship to work on this early on, and it's probably very overwhelming for him to be thrown into a close knit family situation like that where I'm obviously very comfortable. I need to understand more from his perspective. Thank you again for your thoughts.

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As an outside party, what I see is that your bf will lie about something major in order to get what he wants and will deal with the consequences later. You might want to keep that in the back of your mind. Since you are involved, you may wish to excuse it as insecurity, but my mileage says that there is a ruthless cunning side to him and he is not very particular about honesty when it comes to personal gain. Just keep your eyes open and keep in mind that there may be another side to him from the nice one you've seen so far. Not saying that you need to run or break up or anything such, just be more aware and a little less willing to write off everything about him as "poor victim of a difficult past". At 5 months you are both still in the very early stages of getting to know each other and this is a first glimpse behind the facade, but likely not the last.

 

Keep in mind also that your mother went and dug around because she is not wearing rose colored glasses and something about him triggered her alarm bells, a gut reaction she acted on based on the overall picture of him and his demeanor. I doubt your parents were out looking for trouble or looking at him with suspicion at large. It came up because something about him triggered it and they are much more objective than you are.

 

I hope that's all it is. However, you may wish to cool your jets with him and envisioning a long term future and open your eyes and explore thoroughly who he really is, which can only be done with plenty of time and patience. Don't rush to move in, go forward, etc.

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