Blindsided by a Break Up, He has post divorce Commitment Phobia, I am still sad

My first relationship after my husband died was with a divorce man in his late 50's. I was 49 when I met him. I was the first person he dated since his divorce. He was on his own for 6 years without dating. We had a wonderful relationship and we really connected on so many levels. At the 10 month point, he abruptly blindsided me & broke up with me telling me that "even though this has been a great relationship, he needs to see what other possibilities are out there for him" and look to date other women, and that he "was going to go on internet dating sites to meet them". And he said "I knew I had to end it before a year". I wasn't looking for a commitment, and our relationship was just fun, easy & full of laughs and nice times together. I got along with his friends, family & children (teenagers & twenty somethings).

I knew from conversations with him and others that know him, that his wife was very harsh, mean, and mentally abusive to him. She also ended their marriage b/c she was having an extramarital relationship with one of their married friends & that marriage also ended up in divorce. She has been in a LTR w/ that man ever since & they live together in what was my ex's former home. (My ex denies that his ex-wife was having the relationship before she ended their marriage. I don't think he has accepted that she was already involved with this new man, before giving my ex the "our marriage is over" speech.)

Our relationship was the complete opposite. There were genuine feelings of caring & respect between us.

After the breakup, we spoke a few times, saw each other a few times, & texted a bit. He never wavered in his insistence that he needed to do this "self exploration" at this time. That he would resent me if he didn't take this time to date. That "our relationship was so great, just think how good it could be with other people too", and he encouraged me to do the same. That I "shouldn't just settle down with the first person that I dated, post marriage". There was almost a cold & callous dismissal of everything that our relationship was. He also said that he because of his marriage, he "didn't know if he could ever do a long term relationship again". When I told him that I really cared about him, he responded that "I find that hard to believe. I was in a 20+ year marriage with someone who despised me".

About 7 weeks after the break up, we stopped being in contact. It was hard for me. I searched for answers, I cried, I talked to friends, etc. Everyone told me, "it is his issue, not yours". And that he was "damaged from his marriage & most likely will never have a real relationship again". People also said, that "he realized he was caring too much about you, and that those feelings scared him".

After 2 months of no contact, he sent me an email.

"Hi. It's been a while, I know. I'm sorry about that because the last time I saw you I promised to stay in touch and I haven't done that. I have been really busy - been away twice and just came off a really intense period of working very long days and nights, and it's different now with my 25 old son living here. But I think the real reason is that I haven't been able to figure out what to say. Even now, I'm not sure. Things were so hard the last couple times I saw you - for the both of us. For me it just feels like the right thing to do - that is, not to go along with a lot of ambiguity. And I know when I last saw you, you said you didn't have any expectations about what we would be and you were happy to be just friends but I don't think I can do that. I'd always be feeling an imbalance which would make me feel bad and I don't think I can just ignore what we had and pretend it wasn't there.

Having said all that, I didn't want to a silence to be the last thing you heard from me as it would belie how I feel about you and about what we had. You were and are so very important to me and what we had was, I don't know, kind of monumental for me (and I think you too). I don't want there to be any ambiguity about that. And while this won't be the last you hear from me, I just don't think I can maintain the proximity you were looking for - it's too difficult for me and, it may seem presumptuous to say this, but I think for you too. I hope you can understand.

I hope, too, that all is well with you, and your children. All the best to you and them.

Love,

XXXX"

I am assuming that he sent this email b/c he felt guilty that he hurt me. I have not responded to this email. I am not planning on ever responding. I did receive a "happy birthday" text, not long after. I responded "thank you" to the text. And that was all. No additional contact from me or him.

I am fairly certain that he isn't dating. He has not posted himself dating sites. And I believe he is just filling his time with work, friends & family. I realize there isn't any future with him.

I am just sad that his commitment issues were so overwhelming that he didn't even think to talk to me about his fears. Instead he sabotaged the relationship in an unrepairable way and broke trust.

Does anyone have any thoughts?????

Agree with your friends. He has issues and his departure is ultimately a blessing. Don't bother answering his self-serving email, he sounds full of himself. Um yes it will be the last time you hear from him because this jerk should be blocked.

I would go no contact and block him. What's done is done and don't be a backup plan in case his "experimentation" doesn't pan out. There are much better men for you out there once you heal and move on.

"even though this has been a great relationship, he needs to see what other possibilities are out there for him" "it is his issue, not yours". And that he was "damaged from his marriage & most likely will never have a real relationship again". this won't be the last you hear from me

Well, let's look at this from a strictly objective viewpoint. You lost a husband, and I'm sorry for your loss, in a way that many never recover from. BUT you went on to date and are willing to be out there looking for a future relationship.

He on the other hand simply divorced a woman who he claims was mean, but please realize you only ever got one side to that story. It may not be true at all and too many times when I've heard the whole "my ex was a terrible person" cry what that translates to is "I did things they didn't like and they dared to have emotions about it and tell me to stop it."

And then he got six years by himself purportedly before he dated you. What exactly was he doing in all of that time to get himself over his so-callled "terrible" divorce. I'm sorry, but him wailing about a mean ex-wife kind of pales against your own losing someone permanently, don't you think?

Personally I think he's either full of it or needs some serious therapy, but either way he wasn't honest with you from the beginning. If he "knew" the relationship wouldn't last a year he should have spoken up about that at the beginning. it's sort of like driving a car off of a lot, then it breaks down after a few months, you take it back to the dealer and the salesman says, "Oh, we knew the engine wouldn't last a year, but we wanted you to take it anyways, because we needed the money."

It's called bait and switch. I'm sorry you got hurt, but he exhibited some pretty big red flags by trying to essentially urge you into an open relationship. And as smooth as he's been about all of it I think he's done this before, that he's manipulative, and if you looked past his words to what he's done to others that this isn't his first time.

This is where going complete NC as in blocking and deleting him, taking the time to heal and really take a moment to look at the red flags of his actions--not his words, his actions--will reveal themselves to you.

Right away, as soon as you found this guy had been "single" for six years, never dated anyone, and carried on about how hurt his ex had left him your only response should have been "I have the number to a really good therapist who can help with that" and then you should have walked away, because yeah that's some giant issues to have for something that people go through every day of the week.

I'm not trying to bag on people who are hurt by divorce, and I get that talk at six months. But six years on when they are still playing that same song there is something very, very wrong beneath the surface they are either not telling you about (mental illness, drug addictions, they are a chronic cheater and that's what ended their marriage and they are upset about being left for a change, fill in the blank) or it's a manipulation.

And you really didn't do anything wrong, but take him at his word. Dating is like that, and you learn, and you need to learn that you want the person who might mention an ex-wife once, say "Yeah, that was a tough time," and then he never mentions it again, because he's moved on fully and really is ready to date.

Go full NC, block him on everything, and realize most men would never do what he did. Just the toxic ones and if you take the time to read a few books on the topic, to talk to others such as on this forum, and to continue meeting people you will soon enough be able to spot the bad ones and walk past them and find the decent people who much like you just want to share their lives and not play head games and manipulate others over their own issues.

The short version of it is this man has serious issues and is a manipulative liar, because his stories just don't add up. You dodged a bullet, don't let it keep coming back is really all I can tell you having been there myself. There are good people out there, he doesn't strike me as one of them at all.

I went no contact mid-May 2016 & he sent me email & birthday text in July 2016. I have not responded to email. I only said "Thank You" to birthday text. (Hey - it was my birthday & i said thank you to many other bday texts that i received that day from other friends & family. So I figured, I could be consistently polite.)

Personally I think he is hiding from having relationships. I think his marriage left him so wounded, he is desperately afraid of getting hurt again.

And i also agree w/ you that this relationship is a "Do Not Resuscitate"

Hi,

Thanks for your response. I was introduced to him via a mutual acquaintance. He really didn't date anyone for 6 years. That is true.

And yes, she really is mean. There are many people that have confirmed this too.

I think he didn't know from the start that he couldn't handle a LTR. I think he started to get more & more vested in the relationship & then he freaked from Commitment Issues. (this doesn't make it ok & it doesn't excuse that he hurt me deeply. I think this just underscores how damaged he is.)

You are correct - he needs therapy to move past the pain of his marriage, the abuse that he received during the marriage & his wife's infidelity.

He wasn't luring me into an open relationship. He just terminated the relationship to "check out his other possibilities". And yes, this is very hurtful to me.

Excellent wording.

And i also agree w/ you that this relationship is a "Do Not Resuscitate"

]