I need some crucial advice

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. We're obviously not perfect but there have been things that have really tried our relationship. I'm guilty of doing a few things in the past that have caused trouble in our relationship. Nothing like cheating or flirting or anything of that sort but pretty much my boyfriend has always had an issue with me having an Instagram and Facebook account. The reason being that he doesn't want me adding guys. Even if I know them even if we're friends I can't add them. I don't have a problem with him adding girls so why should he have an issue with me? I've never cheated on him before. I've never given him a reason to lack trust in me. And he holds resentment towards things I've done in the past and he told me if I want a clean slate I need to delete all of my social media which I don't want to do. I have a lot of family on fb and I donr post that often on it but I keep it to keep in touch with family. I told him it was unfair that he was giving me that kind of ultimatum. And he refuses to talk to me about when I disagree with what he wants. Right now for example he told me he didn't wanna argue with me that he's not in the mood yet he called me to talk about it he's just upset because he didn't get his way. So what should I do? I truly do love him and we have both been through a lot together.

Let me make sure I understand this.

You want to spend the rest of your life, maybe, with a man who is entitled to direct the degree to which you may or may not use social media, in his sole and absolute discretion. Who, when confronted with your objections, rejects you, stonewalls you, shames you, and metes out a No FB punishment for having had a life before him? Who himself uses fb, has a past, is fully entitled to have lived before you, while in rl with you, and to build more social connections in which he will find support in the future? And your future will be... what, total isolation from friends and family, self hatred that you aren't a virgin, and compliance with whatever new demands he comes up with, because of you should have to prove yourself like that?

Look, I know my tone is flippant and is disrespectful to your feelings. Because of my tone, I've probably lost my opportunity to counsel you. The fact is, your bf is way out of line and you are so accustomed to ignoring your own inner voice that you are able to cope with it.

My guess is, you learned to get along rather than advocate for yourself at an early age, and probably received praise for that trait.

His behavior is not love, it is control. His insecurity manifests itself by trying to control you. Your insecurity manifests itself by taking comfort in his controlling manner, which likely you experience as caring, attachment, and safety.

Love would be glad you have friends, people to support you, comfort, company. To be absolutely truthful, I would advise you to end the rl AND get support appropriate for you. For me, support was myself, eNA, and google. Psychotherapy might have been better. His behavior is a warning sign of an abusive future, and it is not unreasonable to expect it when money and time are tight, as they are in ones 40s especially, for many.

I have to agree with IThink. This is not a respectful, loving relationship. it is based on control, fear, disrespect and inequality. It's not a good sign and as Think says, in the future it could lead to far worse than him being miffed about your FB account. You need to stand up for yourself, tell him he's wrong and, if I were you, tell him you won't put up with this abuse - because that's what it is - and you're off. Good luck X

I have to agree with IThink. This is not a respectful, loving relationship. it is based on control, fear, disrespect and inequality. It's not a good sign and as Think says, in the future it could lead to far worse than him being miffed about your FB account. You need to stand up for yourself, tell him he's wrong and, if I were you, tell him you won't put up with this abuse - because that's what it is - and you're off. Good luck X

Thank you for saying this in a kind manner. I did not succeed at that.

OP, one of my great attachments was two years to a bf who was not quite so controlling as yours. The day I wondered about it I was making him eggs for breakfast. He said something about how he wanted them and I felt the fear of failure so completely in my bones that I shook, shook with fear of disappointing him.

He never hit me or berated me in the way abusive men are portrayed on television. Still, any man I talked to was presumed to want to have sex with me, and my talking was characterized as making them think they had a chance. If it were a group of men, I was also responsible for how they spoke to one another about me, presumably, as I approached and departed. He held me responsible for how men thought about me, as if he were right and as if I could stop it if he had been right. I learned to assume the worst in men, to be full of attitude if approached and generally ice cold. These men could be my neighbors, friends, colleagues. Didn't matter.

I was also asked to report on my past and judged for it, though there was no reason for that, no drama leftover, nothing. His exgf was one of his best friends, he stayed at her house when out of town - that was fine of course. And her thoughts about him were beyond our consideration.

This man is smart, great looking, and showed up in my life more than two decades later, when we discovered we worked at the same large company. It was still weird to talk to him, as if everything was about man's most base desires. He was one of the most respected people in his role, as judged by me and my peers. He has a wife and kids and would seem to be a great catch if he were single.

My attachment to him back then was deep and strong. Never once have I regretted leaving him. Not once. Not even when I was on the edge of homelessness and he a career success. To the contrary, I am thankful that I did. It marked one of my first big steps towards true adulthood, towards happiness. I am happy and proud of who I am, flawed as I may be. I could never have been the ball of sunshine I am now - and was becoming before I met him - had I stayed with him. Nor could I have fallen in love with myself like I have, because he never did.

When I answer questions like Who were the great loves of your life? He never comes up. I haven't thought of him except as an employee of the company, not in a long long time.

I am rooting for you, OP, in a way your bf isn't. Go be you, in full voice. The man who loves you is waiting for you to arrive and announce yourself. No wonder your bf wants to quiet you. He must know deep down that he is not that man, yet he wants to hang on to you anyway.

I am sorry. You have to go.