** Grass is Greener? Quarter Life Crisis? I need help and positive vibes. **

Hello, all.

I stumbled upon this website and it's many forums in the the couple of months following the breakup from my long-term boyfriend. I've honestly never posted in a forum before, and it's a new concept to me, but I need input from other people who have been through something like I have. My better friends offer their support whenever I ask for it, but sometimes it's helpful to have outside perspective from people would don't truly know me and my ex like they do. I need your input, and I ask that you offer it in the kindest way possible. This whole thing is still very raw, and I'm doing my best I can to grasp it.

So here goes nothing...

I just turned 25 years old this summer, and my ex (I suppose that's what we are now) is turning 26 this fall. We had started dating in the fall of our Junior year of high school, and we had been together for a total of almost 9 years before he ended things with me on July 4th of this year. The breakup itself was a complete shock and I didn't see it coming. In the months leading up to this decision to take a "break" (as he called it), I had been incredibly stressed out and so had he. I am currently in graduate school working on a dual masters degree, and he has been facing several changes in his workplace. As such, we have both been busier than we ever have before.

Despite the stressors that we were both facing outside of our relationship, however, I didn't see anything wrong between us -- and he had never indicated that there was anything wrong either, outside of his sharing that he had been stressed about work. We had been experiencing a slight lull in our relationship since early this year (around early springtime), but I attributed it to the increase in responsibilities outside of our relationship. In fact, relationship wise, we seemed to be progressing. We had started looking for a home together and had talked more about engagement, marriage, babies, and the future. He often pointed out small children to me, who he would watch adoringly, as though he longed for that life for himself.

In June, I left for a two-week school trip outside of the country, meeting with other professionals in my field of study and of course, using the time to sight-see with my class-mates as well. When I returned, he seemed distant... He seemed off. And let me explain before anyone jumps to conclusions that our relationship is built on honesty and trust. It always has been, and we have been incredibly open with each other from the start. We have always agreed that if we found someone else that we were even slightly interested in, that we would respect each other enough to explain this and to break up if need be. I trust him, wholly and completely, and I love him more than anyone else I've ever met.

So, I was completely surprised when he didn't really have much to say on my return. No "I missed you so much," no "I'm so glad your back." In fact, he admitted upon our breakup that he somewhat enjoyed the space. His behavior was odd through the end of June until July 4th, when I became frustrated with him for being distant. I went home that night (to my parents, where I kept my stuff for now until he and I found a place together). Later that afternoon, he TEXTS me the following: "I didn't want to tell you like this, but I think maybe we should take a break."

Taken completely off guard, I lost it. I broke down. I bawled -- I ugly cried. I couldn't breathe. My chest ached, my stomach hurt, and I felt like I was dying. My best friend came over and held me, but I couldn't feel better.

In the days following his text message, I met with my ex twice in person for clarification, at my own request. The first time we met he seemed frustrated, and so was I. I was hurt that he would leave me out of the blue, and we didn't get much talking done. The second time, he picked me up and we drove out of town and sat talking for a couple of hours.

The weirdest part is, he seemed so confused by his own actions. He cried silently the entire time we sat together in his truck, tears rolling down his face. He wore his favorite sunglasses in an attempt to hide it all, but he couldn't hide his tears. I tried to ask why, why do this when it was so uncertain... why do this if it felt so cruddy... If being apart would hurt this bad, how could he choose to do it? I got a few sparse answers, and I got several "I don't know's." He told me he felt completely lost in life, and that he needed time to find himself. He said that he felt trapped by our relationship, and needed space to think. He held me the whole time and wiped away my tears and told me he was sorry. He kept hugging me, and telling me that he will always love me, and that I will always be his best friend. When I asked what I should tell people -- our mutual friends -- if they asked what had happened, he said to merely tell them that "we are apart for now."

I asked him if he wanted to be together eventually. He said yes. I asked if he meant what he said when he said he wanted to get a house together, and get married, and have kids, and he said yes. He kept reiterating that he will always love me. I was so, so confused, and I still am.

In the month following that last day we spoke, we texted on and off. In the first week after that day, I asked if he wanted to try staying together, and maybe even seeing each other only once a week or less, and he bluntly said no. He said "I'm sorry" a lot, and said "I don't know" even more. Following that, I backed off but we continued texting a couple of times a week -- as he repeatedly told me he wanted to remain best friends, and that he couldn't lose me as a best friend.

About three weeks ago, he started hanging out with this girl that is nothing like me. I know her -- I met her in May. She's the best friend of a mutual friend of ours, and I can't stand her. She's loud, and obnoxious, and is into getting high all the time (I've got nothing again marijuana, I just don't use it, but she does CONSTANTLY). She looks nothing like me, she acts nothing like me, and she's got an awful reputation in our friend group for hooking up with anyone and everyone and never wanting a relationship. She did this to several of our mutual friends.

Now, there's pictures of them together everywhere... The bothersome part of it is that he hid the fact that he and this girl were hanging out from our entire mutual friend group, and he's been avoiding all of his best friends since we broke up. He's been going out and partying all the time, and he has recently started taking this girl with him everywhere. And while no one seemed to like her (they all talk about her as though they can't stand her, except the one person she's best friends with), since everyone discovered that he was hanging out with her, they seem to have welcomed her with open arms.

And guess who's left to the wayside now? Me. I feel as though I'm being replaced by her, both for him and my friends, and it's horrible. Luckily, my best friend exists outside of the mutual friend group that he and I shared, so she's safe from the fiasco. But I have lost everyone else.

I asked my ex about this new girl, and he said they are "just hanging out" and that he wants no relationship with her. After seeing pictures of them together all over social media, I blocked everyone in our mutual friend group, including he and she. Two weeks ago, I called him and left a message on his voicemail: "I know you are seeing her, and I just wanted to let you know that I'm done, and I wanted to say goodbye because I need to do that. So goodbye." He text me back and said again that he is just "hanging out" with her and that if anyone said he's dating her, then that's news to him.

I just ignored him. I'm going full NO CONTACT now until I feel healed and past all of this, however long that may be. Every single time before this that I started to feel better, he would text me and I would cave. Or I would see pictures that hurt me and take two steps back. I am starting to feel better now, but it is still a dull, throbbing ache, and I take things day by day.

I miss him so, so much. He is my best friend, and he is going through something... I don't know what it is, but all of this acting out -- partying, ignoring friends, spending time with a girl who is so incompatible with him just for the sex (I know it's got to be for the sex) -- is bizarre.

I think he's going through some quarter-life crisis or grass is greener syndrome. He told me he wants to be together, but he also told me he wants to see other people. He told me he will always love me, but he needs space. He told me he was super bummed because he felt so old. He still lives at home with his mom, even though he has a great job and a ton of money saved up and could easily afford his own place. I feel like he just left to experience everything that he missed in his early 20's due to our relationship. And I think he is absolutely terrified of commitment and growing up without experiencing all of these things he is curious about. I think he thinks about a lot of what-if's. I think he truly does love me, but that he is so incredibly lost and confused now.

God, I miss him.

Thoughts on what he's going through? Is there hope of reconciliation? Should I just continue no contact until I hear from him, or should I break NC after like two months? I am worried that he has no one else to talk to, because I was the one he always went to for serious things. And now I'm afraid that telling him I'm done perhaps took away his last support through this confusing time. But I can't just be there when it's convenient to him. I need space to heal too. I can't be his best friend when he ditched me to go sex it up with other women.

UGH. Help?

I'm sorry this post is so long. It's just that this has been weighing on my mind for so long... and I needed to get it out.

It is actually an excellent story about why exes should not be friends no less monitor each others post breakup dating lives. It leads to misunderstandings and heartache like this.

The point of breaking up is not to be best friends it's to stop being in each other's lives.

Go no contact, ignore him, ignore them and do not talk jealous trash about her to your friend group it will push them away.

I'm sorry this post is so long. It's just that this has been weighing on my mind for so long... and I needed to get it out.

I've actually went NC with our mutual friend group too. They won't stop bringing things up and I don't want to hear it anymore. It's like they keep dragging me back into it all and I don't want to hear it or see it anymore. And some days I do great. And some days I feel like I'm dying... Nine years was a long time. My entire future has been shattered. We were looking for a house together and then this randomly happened... I don't get it.

Sorry to hear this, 9 yrs is a long time. But it may have been too long and too young so it's best while still young to enjoy this gift of freedom and start spreading your wings also.

Nine years was a long time. We were looking for a house together and then this randomly happened... I don't get it.

Have you heard of the Grass is Greener thing? Or the quarter life crisis? When I read up on them, they describe my ex to a tee. I'm trying to go out and enjoy things again but it's weird not having him in my life at all. I am genuinely worried about him also. It's weird that all of a sudden he just changed completely, and I don't want him to think I hate him. I don't hate him. I hate the choices he's made, but I don't hate him and I never could.

You were together too young (16) and too long (9yrs) and never experienced life outside of that confining and stunting relationship. So you can call it whatever you wish, but it was too young and too stifling.

Have you heard of the Grass is Greener thing? Or the quarter life crisis?

I suppose... I just want to know if we will ever have a chance again... It's frustrating. And it hurts.

Sorry for your pain. No one knows if you will ever have a chance again. Stay NC though...your top concern should not be his feelings anymore, you need to be more concerned about protecting your own. He will be ok, you will be okay. It's just gonna take some time. Stay busy with friends and family, and stay away from those mutual friends until they can respect your wishes not to be bothered with news of him. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and have already made some necessary healing steps.

Reconciliation might be available to you at some point, but do you really want someone who would throw you away for a life that he's living? You can blame his actions on GIGS or quarter life crisis or whatever else, but it's still something he is choosing to do over having a stable, committed relationship with someone he supposedly loves.

It's still early in terms of break up healing, so I realize why you just want the pain to go away, and being with him or having a glimmer of hope helps take away that pain. I really do believe that once some more time passes with no contact, that you'll realize that you don't want someone like him. He's being far too reckless with you and even expects you to stay in his life as a best friend while he f***s other women and parties and crap? He doesn't respect you one bit.

Also, don't worry about taking away his "only support" because he chose this and must deal with the consequences of his actions. That means that he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it, too.

I hope you'll do the smart thing and put off dating anyone else and let yourself heal with no contact.

shessofly - I have been doing a good job at keeping busy for the most part. I'm working on reestablishing my friend group by hanging out with people outside of our old mutual friends. My best friend has been incredible through all of this, and although her husband occasionally sees my ex, she's established that she's here for me, not my ex. She never sees him, and I've known her for much longer. She's been adamant that I remain in NC as well... Her husband and her had broken up for several months in their long term relationship before they ever got engaged and kept NC during that time. She has explained that it ended up being a wonderful thing and gave them the space they needed. This initially gave me hope, because my ex was very much like my best friend's husband before all of this happened. But now, I don't know what I want. I miss the OLD version of my ex, but I don't know that I can ever accept the NEW him. Something has changed. I wish I knew what. I will keep NC and see what happens.

fitgirl - I know. You have a point. And I feel like once more time has passed, more and more I will realize this. I am definitely putting off dating anyone for a while. I need to work on some things before I do, and I am fully aware of this.

I also want to clarify that my ex is genuinely one of the kindest, most patient people I know. Or at least he was... We got along amazingly. We enjoyed similar things and held similar values. We had the same wants for the future. He was always there when I needed him, and he was always supportive of me. I would never -- NEVER -- in a million years have imagined all of this happening. Honestly. I feel like this is all some big joke. Like someone is going to pop out of the woodwork and be like, "just kidding!" Everyone was shocked, including his family. No one seems to understand it at all. It is one of the weirdest things I have ever experienced.

I don't think it's a quarter-life crisis or GIGS or anything similar.

I think he simply wants to explore and date others as he's only ever really known you. It's hard and very painful (I've been where you are, too) but it's a pretty typical point where a lot of long-term relationships which began at a young age end. It's cliche, but also very true that we grow and change so much in our teens and twenties. We want different experiences (including romantic ones) before committing to a lifetime with one person. Those of us who have been around longer can assure you this isn't all that weird, though I know it feels that way. I've seen this happen several times, both to myself and to friends and family members. It generally is true that our first loves aren't usually our last, and that when it comes to an end, it really does appear that one party did a complete 180 and we no longer recognize them. Hence why a break-up was necessary - someone has changed over time and no longer wants the same things their partners want, even if the dumpee never saw it coming.

It's impossible to predict whether he will come back. He might, or he might not. And you might even decide over the next few months that you are better off without him, too. Sometimes we realize with time and space that the person we once idolized maybe isn't the right choice for us in the long-term.

Continue with No Contact. You're doing the right thing by staying away from him completely.

Thanks. I know it's right to maintain no contact... It just feels so wrong. He was my absolute best friend. It's hard to wrap my head around it all... I know other couples who have been together since high school and are now happily married. He told me he wouldn't mind trying again down the road, "unless for some reason we lost our connection."

I just wish I knew if he misses me too. Surely this isn't easy for him either, right? He told me shortly after we broke up that it was difficult for him too. And he seemed genuinely distraught when we had our final talk about it.

It was just odd. He gave me all of my stuff back, but he told me to keep his house key. Why? What's the point?

I gave it to my best friend so her husband can get the key back to him. I don't want it.

Thanks. I know it's right to maintain no contact... It just feels so wrong. He was my absolute best friend. It's hard to wrap my head around it all... I know other couples who have been together since high school and are now happily married. He told me he wouldn't mind trying again down the road, "unless for some reason we lost our connection."

 

I just wish I knew if he misses me too. Surely this isn't easy for him either, right? He told me shortly after we broke up that it was difficult for him too. And he seemed genuinely distraught when we had our final talk about it.

 

It was just odd. He gave me all of my stuff back, but he told me to keep his house key. Why? What's the point?

 

I gave it to my best friend so her husband can get the key back to him. I don't want it.

Honestly? You won't like hearing this, but my guess is:

In case the new girl doesn't work out.

He still wants to keep that proverbial door open in the event his new fling doesn't develop into anything. Good for you for giving it back.

For now, don't hedge any bets on a future together. I'm not saying it's impossible, and I too have seen a couple reunite and later marry after time apart. But I have also seen many more who haven't. And that's generally been for the better. Keep your focus on healing and doing what you need to do to recover. Be selfish and look after you. Cultivate a new life for yourself. That way, regardless of whether you two someday find your way back to each other, you are in a better place.

My sympathies to you, I know how much this hurts right now. Keep coming here and writing. I think you'll find it cathartic to just let it all out.

Thanks. I think your right. I'm just having such a hard time. This new girl is awful... Which makes me feel awful. Because if he chose her over me, what does that say about me? And from what I know of her, I feel like she sees this as a victory... I think this is stoking her ego hardcore. What's worse, is I feel like I'm being completely replaced by him and our mutual friend group. As if losing him wasn't enough... I finally blocked everyone on snapchat too. I got sick of people sending me snapchats of her and him together. Like someone was at his house hanging out with him and her and sent me a picture of them hanging out in his room. I'm sick of seeing it so I blocked that person too. But every time I think I'm safe and I've blocked everyone I had to, I see something else about them somewhere. I can't block everybody, or I'll have no one left. I am just starting to feel very lonely and excluded, and I feel like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster that I can't get off of. It effing sucks.

I also hate that I know the "new girl." And I've never liked her. Not because of this, but because I just don't mesh with her. She's known for her promiscuity, and she's known for failure to have relationships. She's all about hook ups, and hook ups only. That's why I'm suspecting that they are sleeping together. I mean, I'm not stupid. Surely, based on who she is, that is exactly what is going on. I don't have confirmation that they are, I just have seen several pictures of them together. It looks very "relationship-y" to me, even though he shared that they are not "dating."

I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. But I wish he was with someone I didn't know at all. It'd be a little easier.

Yes, I can certainly see why this situation is particularly hard for you. Your mutual friends don't sound like very good friends, to be honest. I don't think they should stop hanging out with him, but I think they could be displaying a lot more sensitivity and discretion towards you.

You mentioned you're re-establishing friendships that are outside of this group. That's a great step. Keep at it, even when you don't feel like socializing at all.

I also don't blame you for wishing it were anyone else but this specific girl. Nobody would want to see their ex with a person they've never gotten along with. It actually says more about this judgment than it does anything about your personally. I know it doesn't feel that way at the moment, though. If that's the kind of girl he wants to date, then he was right to let you go - you're better off on your own so you can one day meet a man who appreciates your special qualities.

Thanks. I think your right. I'm just having such a hard time. This new girl is awful... Which makes me feel awful. Because if he chose her over me, what does that say about me? And from what I know of her, I feel like she sees this as a victory... I think this is stoking her ego hardcore. What's worse, is I feel like I'm being completely replaced by him and our mutual friend group. As if losing him wasn't enough... I finally blocked everyone on snapchat too. I got sick of people sending me snapchats of her and him together. Like someone was at his house hanging out with him and her and sent me a picture of them hanging out in his room. I'm sick of seeing it so I blocked that person too. But every time I think I'm safe and I've blocked everyone I had to, I see something else about them somewhere. I can't block everybody, or I'll have no one left. I am just starting to feel very lonely and excluded, and I feel like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster that I can't get off of. It effing sucks.

First...just a big virtual hug.

I won't repeat what's already been said. You've gotten some wise responses. The only thing I want to comment on is the other girl. That he chose to hook up with her, says nothing at all about you and a whole lot about him.

Choosing someone who is totally opposite from your ex as your rebound is pretty normal. She is wild, trashy, different and it's the different part that he is seeking to experience. Consider that it would be worse if he chose a clone of you, but not you. Then you would have grounds to wonder why not you. Now, she probably is a rebound, a new flavor to try out and it probably won't last. Not suggesting that he'll come back to you, but it's more likely than not that he is off to sow some wild oats and she is just one of many to be. However, even if he ends up with her for a long time or....worse, forever.....that tells you right there that deep down inside this boy is as trashy as she is. In other words it wasn't that you weren't good enough, it's that he wasn't good enough for you. You should be the one holding your head high and setting the bar higher going forward.

It's incredibly difficult to put behind you nine years, but you are doing everything you can and correctly so. Once you start to feel better, get out and spread your own wings and have some fun yourself. Don't wait on him hoping for a return. As already said, it's extraordinarily rare that a relationship started so young will survive.

First...just a big virtual hug.

Thank you... I need all the hugs I can get. Overall, I'm feeling better now than I did right after it happened. I think each day is a challenge. I appreciate what you've said. I really shouldn't internalize things -- it's just hard not to jump to that initially. I hope he finds whatever he's looking for, because you are right -- it's not me. If that's what he truly wants, then I can't be that for him anyway. I'm not that kind of girl.

I hope when I do find someone, it's easy to fall in love again. The beginning honeymoon period is fun, but it's all about lust. It's the later phases I miss. Being able to just relax, cuddle up, and be completely content with each other's company. When you don't have to try to so hard to impress the other person, but they are still impressed because they love you for you. I do miss that. We had that once. I look forward to it being that way again -- with whomever life brings me.