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Thread: ** Grass is Greener? Quarter Life Crisis? I need help and positive vibes. **

  1. #11
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    shessofly - I have been doing a good job at keeping busy for the most part. I'm working on reestablishing my friend group by hanging out with people outside of our old mutual friends. My best friend has been incredible through all of this, and although her husband occasionally sees my ex, she's established that she's here for me, not my ex. She never sees him, and I've known her for much longer. She's been adamant that I remain in NC as well... Her husband and her had broken up for several months in their long term relationship before they ever got engaged and kept NC during that time. She has explained that it ended up being a wonderful thing and gave them the space they needed. This initially gave me hope, because my ex was very much like my best friend's husband before all of this happened. But now, I don't know what I want. I miss the OLD version of my ex, but I don't know that I can ever accept the NEW him. Something has changed. I wish I knew what. I will keep NC and see what happens.

    fitgirl - I know. You have a point. And I feel like once more time has passed, more and more I will realize this. I am definitely putting off dating anyone for a while. I need to work on some things before I do, and I am fully aware of this.

  2. #12
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    I also want to clarify that my ex is genuinely one of the kindest, most patient people I know. Or at least he was... We got along amazingly. We enjoyed similar things and held similar values. We had the same wants for the future. He was always there when I needed him, and he was always supportive of me. I would never -- NEVER -- in a million years have imagined all of this happening. Honestly. I feel like this is all some big joke. Like someone is going to pop out of the woodwork and be like, "just kidding!" Everyone was shocked, including his family. No one seems to understand it at all. It is one of the weirdest things I have ever experienced.

  3. #13
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    I don't think it's a quarter-life crisis or GIGS or anything similar.

    I think he simply wants to explore and date others as he's only ever really known you. It's hard and very painful (I've been where you are, too) but it's a pretty typical point where a lot of long-term relationships which began at a young age end. It's cliche, but also very true that we grow and change so much in our teens and twenties. We want different experiences (including romantic ones) before committing to a lifetime with one person. Those of us who have been around longer can assure you this isn't all that weird, though I know it feels that way. I've seen this happen several times, both to myself and to friends and family members. It generally is true that our first loves aren't usually our last, and that when it comes to an end, it really does appear that one party did a complete 180 and we no longer recognize them. Hence why a break-up was necessary - someone has changed over time and no longer wants the same things their partners want, even if the dumpee never saw it coming.

    It's impossible to predict whether he will come back. He might, or he might not. And you might even decide over the next few months that you are better off without him, too. Sometimes we realize with time and space that the person we once idolized maybe isn't the right choice for us in the long-term.

    Continue with No Contact. You're doing the right thing by staying away from him completely.

  4. #14
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    Thanks. I know it's right to maintain no contact... It just feels so wrong. He was my absolute best friend. It's hard to wrap my head around it all... I know other couples who have been together since high school and are now happily married. He told me he wouldn't mind trying again down the road, "unless for some reason we lost our connection."

    I just wish I knew if he misses me too. Surely this isn't easy for him either, right? He told me shortly after we broke up that it was difficult for him too. And he seemed genuinely distraught when we had our final talk about it.

    It was just odd. He gave me all of my stuff back, but he told me to keep his house key. Why? What's the point?

    I gave it to my best friend so her husband can get the key back to him. I don't want it.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by l00kitss4mu3L
    Thanks. I know it's right to maintain no contact... It just feels so wrong. He was my absolute best friend. It's hard to wrap my head around it all... I know other couples who have been together since high school and are now happily married. He told me he wouldn't mind trying again down the road, "unless for some reason we lost our connection."

    I just wish I knew if he misses me too. Surely this isn't easy for him either, right? He told me shortly after we broke up that it was difficult for him too. And he seemed genuinely distraught when we had our final talk about it.

    It was just odd. He gave me all of my stuff back, but he told me to keep his house key. Why? What's the point?

    I gave it to my best friend so her husband can get the key back to him. I don't want it.
    Honestly? You won't like hearing this, but my guess is:

    In case the new girl doesn't work out.

    He still wants to keep that proverbial door open in the event his new fling doesn't develop into anything. Good for you for giving it back.

    For now, don't hedge any bets on a future together. I'm not saying it's impossible, and I too have seen a couple reunite and later marry after time apart. But I have also seen many more who haven't. And that's generally been for the better. Keep your focus on healing and doing what you need to do to recover. Be selfish and look after you. Cultivate a new life for yourself. That way, regardless of whether you two someday find your way back to each other, you are in a better place.

    My sympathies to you, I know how much this hurts right now. Keep coming here and writing. I think you'll find it cathartic to just let it all out.

  7. #16
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    Thanks. I think your right. I'm just having such a hard time. This new girl is awful... Which makes me feel awful. Because if he chose her over me, what does that say about me? And from what I know of her, I feel like she sees this as a victory... I think this is stoking her ego hardcore. What's worse, is I feel like I'm being completely replaced by him and our mutual friend group. As if losing him wasn't enough... I finally blocked everyone on snapchat too. I got sick of people sending me snapchats of her and him together. Like someone was at his house hanging out with him and her and sent me a picture of them hanging out in his room. I'm sick of seeing it so I blocked that person too. But every time I think I'm safe and I've blocked everyone I had to, I see something else about them somewhere. I can't block everybody, or I'll have no one left. I am just starting to feel very lonely and excluded, and I feel like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster that I can't get off of. It effing sucks.

  8. #17
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    I also hate that I know the "new girl." And I've never liked her. Not because of this, but because I just don't mesh with her. She's known for her promiscuity, and she's known for failure to have relationships. She's all about hook ups, and hook ups only. That's why I'm suspecting that they are sleeping together. I mean, I'm not stupid. Surely, based on who she is, that is exactly what is going on. I don't have confirmation that they are, I just have seen several pictures of them together. It looks very "relationship-y" to me, even though he shared that they are not "dating."

    I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. But I wish he was with someone I didn't know at all. It'd be a little easier.

  9. #18
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    Yes, I can certainly see why this situation is particularly hard for you. Your mutual friends don't sound like very good friends, to be honest. I don't think they should stop hanging out with him, but I think they could be displaying a lot more sensitivity and discretion towards you.

    You mentioned you're re-establishing friendships that are outside of this group. That's a great step. Keep at it, even when you don't feel like socializing at all.

    I also don't blame you for wishing it were anyone else but this specific girl. Nobody would want to see their ex with a person they've never gotten along with. It actually says more about this judgment than it does anything about your personally. I know it doesn't feel that way at the moment, though. If that's the kind of girl he wants to date, then he was right to let you go - you're better off on your own so you can one day meet a man who appreciates your special qualities.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by l00kitss4mu3L
    Thanks. I think your right. I'm just having such a hard time. This new girl is awful... Which makes me feel awful. Because if he chose her over me, what does that say about me? And from what I know of her, I feel like she sees this as a victory... I think this is stoking her ego hardcore. What's worse, is I feel like I'm being completely replaced by him and our mutual friend group. As if losing him wasn't enough... I finally blocked everyone on snapchat too. I got sick of people sending me snapchats of her and him together. Like someone was at his house hanging out with him and her and sent me a picture of them hanging out in his room. I'm sick of seeing it so I blocked that person too. But every time I think I'm safe and I've blocked everyone I had to, I see something else about them somewhere. I can't block everybody, or I'll have no one left. I am just starting to feel very lonely and excluded, and I feel like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster that I can't get off of. It effing sucks.
    First...just a big virtual hug.

    I won't repeat what's already been said. You've gotten some wise responses. The only thing I want to comment on is the other girl. That he chose to hook up with her, says nothing at all about you and a whole lot about him.

    Choosing someone who is totally opposite from your ex as your rebound is pretty normal. She is wild, trashy, different and it's the different part that he is seeking to experience. Consider that it would be worse if he chose a clone of you, but not you. Then you would have grounds to wonder why not you. Now, she probably is a rebound, a new flavor to try out and it probably won't last. Not suggesting that he'll come back to you, but it's more likely than not that he is off to sow some wild oats and she is just one of many to be. However, even if he ends up with her for a long time or....worse, forever.....that tells you right there that deep down inside this boy is as trashy as she is. In other words it wasn't that you weren't good enough, it's that he wasn't good enough for you. You should be the one holding your head high and setting the bar higher going forward.

    It's incredibly difficult to put behind you nine years, but you are doing everything you can and correctly so. Once you start to feel better, get out and spread your own wings and have some fun yourself. Don't wait on him hoping for a return. As already said, it's extraordinarily rare that a relationship started so young will survive.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    First...just a big virtual hug.
    Thank you... I need all the hugs I can get. Overall, I'm feeling better now than I did right after it happened. I think each day is a challenge. I appreciate what you've said. I really shouldn't internalize things -- it's just hard not to jump to that initially. I hope he finds whatever he's looking for, because you are right -- it's not me. If that's what he truly wants, then I can't be that for him anyway. I'm not that kind of girl.

    I hope when I do find someone, it's easy to fall in love again. The beginning honeymoon period is fun, but it's all about lust. It's the later phases I miss. Being able to just relax, cuddle up, and be completely content with each other's company. When you don't have to try to so hard to impress the other person, but they are still impressed because they love you for you. I do miss that. We had that once. I look forward to it being that way again -- with whomever life brings me.

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