Boyfriend is using again, Please HELP!

Hi Guys

 

so a quick intro to my situation, I have been seeing my boyfriend for some time now and I was aware that he is a recovering addict from the get go and also suffers from Bipolar disorder... things have been ok for the most part in our relationship but lately he has been using more so he has basically relapsed and it's starting to take its toll oh our relationship.

 

I Love and Care for him and have taken the "Care and Support" approach, I don't enable him in any way because he has never asked that of me and I also don't live with him so it does not directly affect me but it's starting to affect our relationship because he constantly feels like he isn't good enough for me and that one day I'll wake up and walk out on him just like everyone else has.

 

I don't want to see him throw his life away, he is already losing sense of who he is and I have taken some time away from him just so I can think of ways to approach the situation without having him feel judged, he lives with his parents and they're both busy professionals so his constantly alone, all his friends use but of course it affects each of their lives differently, for him the fact that his Bipolar means drug abuse is a common thing for some when in the manic phase, unfortunately the 2 don't go hand in hand.. Can anyone suggest an effective way for me to convince him that he needs to get help? we've spoken about it and he has mentioned that his scared and that people will judge him and not trust him anymore once he goes to rehab and that he has to start all over but I have told him that I will hold his hand through the process... any advice at this stage will do, just want to see him do better

The best way to "convince" him to get help is to leave. The "care and support" method hasn't and doesn't work because it is a dressed up name for enabling.

 

Playing therapist, martyr, nurse, caretaker, etc will not "convince" him of anything, except that he's free to keep using and you'll be there.

 

You presence is preventing his reality from hitting him in the face which is the only thing that would "convince" him.

 

Find some Nar Anon meetings near you. It's for family and friends of addicts and it will enlighten you on Your issues. I was aware that he is a recovering addict from the get go and also suffers from Bipolar disorder... he has been using more so he has basically relapsed.convince him that he needs to get help?

Using what? Is he diagnosed bipolar? Has he been to rehab before?

 

He has to want to help himself.

Drugs

 

he was diagnosed with Bipolar a few years ago yes, has never been to rehab but has managed to stop on his own for some time

Noted

 

Thanks

He needs professional help when He is ready to get that.

has never been to rehab but has managed to stop on his own for some time

Drugs

Well yeah. I wasn't assuming he was using a See-and-Say. What kind of drugs? Alcohol? Weed? Coke? Has he ever been diagnosed as an addict? How often is he using?

He needs professional help when He is ready to get that.

 

I agree, that's the only way his going to be able to get his life back on track, I will withdraw all emotional support from this point onwards, which isn't the hardest thing to do, there have been instances when he has shut me out completely and I just left him

 

only comes back and says I shouldn't take it personally, he has his issues and he must deal with them on his own so he is aware of what he needs to do, it's just getting to a point of readiness

Well yeah. I wasn't assuming he was using a See-and-Say. What kind of drugs? Alcohol? Weed? Coke? Has he ever been diagnosed as an addict? How often is he using?

 

Methcathinone

 

He has never been diagnosed as an addict because he has never reached out for an help with regards to drug abuse

 

once or twice every week

It doesn't matter what he's using. Bipolar and any street drug use is a bad combo. You need to extricate yourself from the situation, let the professionals or the emergency dept doctor or the coroner figure it out. Those are his choices.

 

You have no choice in the matter other than to stop coddling and enabling him and getting yourself in to therapy/ Nar Anon groups to figure out why you want to save and fix people

Methcathinone.He has never been diagnosed as an addict because he has never reached out for an help with regards to drug abuse

Methcathinone

 

He has never been diagnosed as an addict because he has never reached out for an help with regards to drug abuse

 

once or twice every week

While bipolar people are more prone to drug addiction, if he's snorting Cat once or twice a week, that sounds recreational. Is he calling it a problem or are you? What signs of addiction is he displaying?

While bipolar people are more prone to drug addiction, if he's snorting Cat once or twice a week, that sounds recreational. Is he calling it a problem or are you? What signs of addiction is he displaying?

 

 

well I thought it was recreational too but it's gotten to a point where he needs it and doesn't feel ok without it, thinks about using it everyday and everything else takes a back seat... he is the one who has called it a problem, there's been a big change in his behaviour too, isn't phased by anything anymore or the important things like work...

 

I know for certain that I don't have any need to want to save or fix people, this just stems from me being concerned about someone I care about it isn't me trying to fix/save him.

He needs a psychiatrist and careful talk therapy monitoring for both uncontrolled bipolar mania and substance abuse, you are in over your head. You can care, but there's no much you can do except tell him it's over until he gets help..

I care about it isn't me trying to fix/save him.

isn't phased by anything anymore or the important things like work...

Well, yeah. He's in a manic phase induced by his disorder.

 

This is why making it about this drug use rather than, broadly, his need to self-medicate isn't effective. He kicks the drugs to the curb and he'll still feels like **** because he's not receiving medical or psychological treatment for his condition.

 

You can threaten to leave him if he doesn't pursue therapy for his bipolar disorder, but even then, he'd end up doing it for you and that opens up a whole other can of warms. He needs to be self-motivated and he isn't, then you have to either accept the possibility that he may never be or leave him to find that motivation independently.

Well, yeah. He's in a manic phase induced by his disorder.

 

This is why making it about this drug use rather than, broadly, his need to self-medicate isn't effective. He kicks the drugs to the curb and he'll still feels like **** because he's not receiving medical or psychological treatment for his condition.

 

You can threaten to leave him if he doesn't pursue therapy for his bipolar disorder, but even then, he'd end up doing it for you and that opens up a whole other can of warms. He needs to be self-motivated and he isn't, then you have to either accept the possibility that he may never be or leave him to find that motivation independently.

 

Thanks for the constructive advice J.man, that's the reason I came on here to ask in the first place not be told to see a therapist because I'm trying to "Fix" people haha

 

I don't want him to do any of it for me, he should do that for himself and that is all I want

 

I am in no position to decide for him nor threaten him

The best way to "convince" him to get help is to leave. The "care and support" method hasn't and doesn't work because it is a dressed up name for enabling.

 

Playing therapist, martyr, nurse, caretaker, etc will not "convince" him of anything, except that he's free to keep using and you'll be there.

 

You presence is preventing his reality from hitting him in the face which is the only thing that would "convince" him.

 

Find some Nar Anon meetings near you. It's for family and friends of addicts and it will enlighten you on Your issues.[url="

 

^^^^ this covers everything .... and I am a stoned bi polar person and I STILL agree with WM 's advice/opinion

How long is "some time now"? If he's a bipolar drug addict he needs rehab and counseling, and there is literally nothing you can do that will help him in the long-term unless you force him into rehab or counseling. Anything else amounts to enabling his addiction. You can't change his loss of sense of self or his feeling that he isn't good enough for you. None of his problems actually have anything to do with you at all. I'm sorry but this will sound harsh, I really don't think you should spend any of your time trying to help him. He isn't going to change unless he wants to change himself. Anything you do will be for naught and you'll end up miserable and frustrated. Without clinical help, he isn't going to get better.

Hi Guys

 

so a quick intro to my situation, I have been seeing my boyfriend for some time now and I was aware that he is a recovering addict from the get go and also suffers from Bipolar disorder... things have been ok for the most part in our relationship but lately he has been using more so he has basically relapsed and it's starting to take its toll oh our relationship.

 

I Love and Care for him and have taken the "Care and Support" approach, I don't enable him in any way because he has never asked that of me and I also don't live with him so it does not directly affect me but it's starting to affect our relationship because he constantly feels like he isn't good enough for me and that one day I'll wake up and walk out on him just like everyone else has.

 

I don't want to see him throw his life away, he is already losing sense of who he is and I have taken some time away from him just so I can think of ways to approach the situation without having him feel judged, he lives with his parents and they're both busy professionals so his constantly alone, all his friends use but of course it affects each of their lives differently, for him the fact that his Bipolar means drug abuse is a common thing for some when in the manic phase, unfortunately the 2 don't go hand in hand.. Can anyone suggest an effective way for me to convince him that he needs to get help? we've spoken about it and he has mentioned that his scared and that people will judge him and not trust him anymore once he goes to rehab and that he has to start all over but I have told him that I will hold his hand through the process... any advice at this stage will do, just want to see him do better

 

It does directly affect you even if you don't live with him because you're in a relationship with him.

 

You will never "convince" an addict to get help. They either go to rehab on their own or someone makes them. That's my experience. My ex husband is an addict. He's been to rehab twice since 2012. I think he went once in high school. He's been using meth off and on since 17. Drinking since 15. Weed since who knows. 15?

 

He has been sober but for no more than 2 months at a time. I did the 'care and support' approach. I was on the 'addiction is a disease' bandwagon. I'm no longer on it. I divorced him last year because of his meth use. He was constantly taking my car even while our daughter was in the hospital. Lying to me about needing money. Stealing it. Cheated on me before we were married. Abused me during meth withdrawals. Yet I stayed. Then last year about this time he went to rehab and then a halfway house. Had a job. Paying bills. He had one relapse after rehab but I said "Well they relapse up to six times before staying sober." I got back with him. Then he got arrested in Feb for something I still don't think he did. I stupidly bailed him out because he had been sober and stable and thought "Oh he'll fight this." No - he got drunk and high that night I bailed him out. Pretty large amount for me to bail him out and he did that crap. I had to loan money from my mom again because I did it.

 

A month later I called the cops on him because he took my car to try and get meth and when he asked me for $100 and said if I didn't give it to him he would crash my car, I called the cops. This after he took $100 out of the ATM three days prior thinking I wouldn't know. He got arrested when he came home - still drunk. Then in jail he got another charge because he got mad and broke the window. I told him he needed to get his together if he wanted to be able to have time alone with our daughter. He's got a ton of legal issues, two divorces in the last four years all because of drugs.

 

He has four kids with three women. No one knows what's going on with the oldest as the stepdad has custody. He still finds ways to get meth. He doesn't care. Addicts don't care. I don't care what people try to tell me - they don't care. They choose to continue to use the drugs or the alcohol or whatever. It is a choice and more neurologists are moving away from "addiction is a disease." The only reason it was made a disease is that it change the way our brain works -- well EVERYTHING we do changes our brain activity. Everything. And to reduce the stigma.

 

I think addicts need help - but we dont' approach it correctly at all in the US. They need any mental disorders treated separately and psychological help with the addiction. But rehab obviously doesn't work or they wouldn't remain open. They'd "cure" it.

 

You can't change him OP. You just can't. Sorry for my rant but I tried to "change" my ex and stop him from throwing his life away but he's an adult and he makes his choices. Some people have to hit bottom and even then they don't get it. All you're setting yourself up for is years and years of heartache.

 

All you can do is tell him that you can't be in a relationship with him and drugs. He has to choose one over the other. Why would you want to compete with the drugs? It's not fun. It doesn't work out. I did it. I won't do it anymore. Ever again.

 

He won't get it through his head until he wants to do it. That's the bottomline. Others may differ but I'm blunt and straight forward. You can't ever change an addict. They have to want to change themselves.

Thanks for the constructive advice J.man, that's the reason I came on here to ask in the first place not be told to see a therapist because I'm trying to "Fix" people haha

 

So you basically came on here to hear what you WANT to hear?

 

While J.man has his points as well, Wiseman wasn't wrong either. You say you're not enabling him but you really are. He's got you, so what motivation does he have to stop? No matter how you're looking at it, you ARE indeed trying to fix him, but I think you take that phrase too personally. You're not holding him against the wall saying "You better stop this or else", but you are trying to "love him enough to change". And while I understand it has a negative connotation, that's also controlling behavior. You can control how you do things, not how someone else does.

 

It's not an easy thing to hear and I went through something similar - and believe me when I say an addict will give you the "You're too good for me" line - and this is also controlling/manipulative behavior on his part so you pity them and hold on, and they can keep using. The thing is - the other person really does have to WANT to change, and there's nothing you can do to push him to do so. You can't "Decide for him". You can't decide for anyone what they'll do. If you really care, you're going to have to leave, and I hate to say it but that's still probably not going to get him to stop. But it's the best chance you've got.

I agree ...op don't be so quick to dismiss other peoples posts , everyone has a point and everyone has given you their time and effort .

The man has two dealbeakers - mental issue and drug problem.

 

Find a partner who is better than you and you'll be better off.

The man has two dealbeakers - mental issue and drug problem.

 

Find a partner who is better than you and you'll be better off.

 

oh how shallow is that

The man has two dealbeakers - mental issue and drug problem.

 

Find a partner who is better than you and you'll be better off.

 

I can not see being with an addict . But millions upon millions upon millions of people have what is called mental issues . Even having anxiety is a mental issue . I have PTSD and panic disorder but I'm well worth being with. If someone is being treated for their mental ailments most likely they are well worth being with . In fact I don't know know many adult human beings without a bit of baggage .

I wish you could just drive him to the hospital. I guarantee there is at least one person that's in there due to an overdose. In fact, my ex is brain dead now because he overdosed. He is in the hospital on life support and they're cutting him off from it Wednesday. He has no brain activity. He has seizures. This is all irreversible. I can't even begin to tell you the agony that this comes with. All the grieving, the pain, depression, insomnia, stress, uncontrollable crying and constant thinking. Still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he is pretty much dead. Was told he's not coming back. This feels like a nightmare I just want to wake up from. He wanted to get better but he was so hooked to the drug and it got him good this time You tell him he needs help. Not to risk losing his precious life over something that he CAN live without. How his family and friends would feel, its not worth it. While you're away from him, imagine what it would be like if he was in the hospital, hooked to a machine keeping his body alive when really, he's already gone. And everyone standing around him wishing he didn't do those drugs. That he could've lived without it. Even though he doesn't think he can, he CAN. I'm telling you that this pain I feel, I've never felt it before. Its a mix of sickness, anxiety, heartbreak, and depression. Just don't judge him. Be there for him as much as you can. He will appreciate you for that. Just please, please talk him into getting help. He shouldn't worry about anyone but himself. It doesn't matter what people think. He needs to focus on himself getting better. There is hope. I promise you that. But one day it could be too late.