I want to breakup because I want her to grow as a person

LONG POST BUT PLEASE BEAR WITH ME BECAUSE I REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE.

We've been together for almost 2 years. I am 5 years older than her (i'm 25). She is my first girlfriend. I may be old for my age for her to be my first girlfriend but thats beacause i've been looking for a real partner not just for the sake of being in a relationship.

I know that she'll be a little bit immature than what i've wanted for but she has qualities (she's beautiful, but i'm not talking about physical qualities) that is very rare to find in a woman.

I thought that she will be more mature as time goes by. We've been together almost 2 years but she not changing at all.

She also doesn't know how to prioritize things and has poor decision skills. I wont give a specific example because it'll be long and might be confusing. I can say that she doesn't know how to prioritize and has poor decision skill because I always put myself in her shoes whenever situations arise and wonder how/why she thinks that that is a good idea. I will tell her about alternatives besides the decision she made but she wont accept it and/or can't understand it.

I've had a case of GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) with her friend that I don't even notice much back then. Maybe because due to the fact that she is more mature than her.

Some of you might say that i'm considering breaking up because of her friend. But honestly, i've been thinking of breaking up with my GF due to these issues way before I had the GIGS. I just realized that maybe my level of attractiveness towards my GF lessen because of these issues which is why now I have the GIGS.

If i'll put it into numbers, it's like this:

Level of Attractiveness (LOA) before:

GF - 10

The other girl - 7

(Maybe the reason why I didn't notice the other girl)

LOA now:

GF - 7 (decreases due to the issues)

The other girl - 7

(They are now on the same level that's why maybe I have GIGS)

I want to break up with her because I want her to be a better version of herself and i don't she her achieve that while she's with me. I want her to be the best person that she can be without me. I also like to be a better person that I can be without her.

Right now, we are both half-full glass of water. We complete each other by being together. But I want us to be a complete version of ourselves first before commiting again to each other. Two full glasses of water is more that two half-full glasses of water combined.

What are your thoughts?

Fine if you don't 'feel it' for her anymore.. but I suggest you do NOT go hinting around HER friend, when you end it.

That will cause a drastic outcome!

How about you end things and back off. Let her deal with the loss and heal. And leave the friend alone too...

Go find someone else someday who isn't a friend of your ex.

Have you tried speaking to your girlfriend first about the problems within your relationship?

Have you discussed any ways to improve your relationship?

If you break up with someone they aren't automatically going to think, "Oh geez Billy Bob broke up with me. I must turn my entire life around and live my life according to what he thought was the best for me!"

She's probably going to think the worst of you if you dump her especially if she sees you with another woman after the relationship. She isn't going to think that you did this to improve her life. She's going to think that you dumped her to be with another woman.

While I agree two wholes in a relationship are better then two halves. I think you breaking up with her for your reasons is a cop out. You have GIGS, even before you had it you weren't happy with her and want to change her. Who says she will ever change? If you want to date others go for it. Just don't try to come up with excuses as to why.

Lisa

Never mind everything else. You both are on two different pages in life maturity life. I know that I was a way different person at 25 compared to when I was 19 and 20. I'm in my 30's and I changed than when I was 25.

You should just break up if you can't handle her level of maturity. This is who she is right now- stop trying to change somebody.

Go find someone else someday who isn't a friend of your ex.

I know that. I'm not a monster to do that to my girlfriend.

I dont think if I was clear enough so i'll say it. I still love my girlfriend. It's just that I want her to be a better person without me because I think that I hinder her growth as a person.

Like for example, she can' t talk to people in authority or a superior. Instead of doing it on her own because that's her business, she would always ask me to do the talking for her. I always come to her aid because that's how show that I care.

I want her to change those things (and there are many things) to be a better person. But because of me, she can't grow. And that is my fault. I always tend to her need. That why im thinking of breaking up for her to grow as well as for me to know that she can deal with these things alone so I wont always have to be the knight in shining armor.

Have you tried speaking to your girlfriend first about the problems within your relationship?

Have you discussed any ways to improve your relationship?

I did. She said that she will change. But still nothing.

She also doesn't know how to prioritize things and has poor decision skills. I wont give a specific example because it'll be long and might be confusing.

^

The above description seems to fit you better than it does her.

I want to break up with her because I want her to be a better version of herself and i don't she her achieve that while she's with me. I want her to be the best person that she can be without me.

^

I agree, in fact she couldn't ask for a better gift than what you're describing. In any event, I think she'll become very successful at finding someone who rates her as a "10" both inside and out.

You have GIGS, even before you had it you weren't happy with her and want to change her. Who says she will ever change? If you want to date others go for it. Just don't try to come up with excuses as to why.

I cant stress this enough. I dont want to break up because I have GIGS. Imagine, I could've left that part out of the story so people wont judge me for breaking up because of it but I didn't. I was considering breaking up before I had the GIGS. And that is the truth!

I want to break up with her because I want her to be a better version of herself and i don't she her achieve that while she's with me. I want her to be the best person that she can be without me. I also like to be a better person that I can be without her.

 

Right now, we are both half-full glass of water. We complete each other by being together. But I want us to be a complete version of ourselves first before commiting again to each other. Two full glasses of water is more that two half-full glasses of water combined.

From where I sit, you sound pretty immature. You don't break up with people to "help them" and certainly don't do it dangle the carrot that if she "improves" then you can commit to each other again. And in my 30s, if I ever heard a guy rating women, particularly their gf and some other girl, I would never date him.

She is who she is. Will she change? Maybe. She's very young. But I hope you realize that you have just as much growing up to do.

If it's not working, it's not working. But don't make this some test she has to pass for your approval.

This is who she is right now- stop trying to change somebody.

If you for example your significant other is smoking. It not illegal but you know that it is bad for his/her health. So you tell him/her to stop. I'm trying to change her to be better and she should do it not for me or us but for her.

I used to smoke but I quit not because of her but because of me. I was able to change because I realized that I need to change for me to be better. I think she also needs to realize that. She's not realizing it now that we're together even if I tell her the issue. I guess she will if we breakup.

^

The above description seems to fit you better than it does her.

Can you please elaborate why?

BTW, that rating thing was just used in lack of a better expalanation.

If you for example your significant other is smoking. It not illegal but you know that it is bad for his/her health. So you tell him/her to stop. I'm trying to change her to be better and she should do it not for me or us but for her.

 

I used to smoke but I quit not because of her but because of me. I was able to change because I realized that I need to change for me to be better. I think she also needs to realize that. She's not realizing it now that we're together even if I tell her the issue. I guess she will if we breakup.

What you need to remember is that as an adult, she owns herself, her body, and her decisions. If she, like millions of other people much older than her, wants to continue to smoke, that's her right. Now you have every right to say, based on your own self-reflection, you do not want to be with a smoker. But trying to change her is unfair.

From where I sit, you sound pretty immature. You don't break up with people to "help them" and certainly don't do it dangle the carrot that if she "improves" then you can commit to each other again. And in my 30s, if I ever heard a guy rating women, particularly their gf and some other girl, I would never date him.

 

She is who she is. Will she change? Maybe. She's very young. But I hope you realize that you have just as much growing up to do.

 

If it's not working, it's not working. But don't make this some test she has to pass for your approval.

First of all, im not thinking of "dangling" any carrot. What I will tell her if I decide to break up with her is that she shouldn't close the door for other guys specially if they can look over these "small issuses" that I find as a big deal for me.

Second, I do realize that I still have room to grow. You can look for it to one of my replies.

Third, maybe it's the immaturity in me but I don't know what is working from not. I feel very lucky to have her because a girl like her hard to find. There are just things that she she can improve with herself and i feel like i'm hindering growth.

First of all, im not thinking of "dangling" any carrot. What I will tell her if I decide to break up with her is that she shouldn't close the door for other guys specially if they can look over these "small issuses" that I find as a big deal for me.

 

Second, I do realize that I still have room to grow. You can look for it to one of my replies.

 

Third, maybe it's the immaturity in me but I don't know what is working from not. I feel very lucky to have her because a girl like her hard to find. There are just things that she she can improve with herself and i feel like i'm hindering growth.

It sounds like you feel lucky to have her from a looks perspective (given that her looks are a 10 and her insides are a 7).

If you break up with her, close the door completely. Be ready to completely move on and find someone else.

What you need to remember is that as an adult, she owns herself, her body, and her decisions. If she, like millions of other people much older than her, wants to continue to smoke, that's her right. Now you have every right to say, based on your own self-reflection, you do not want to be with a smoker. But trying to change her is unfair.

To set the record straight, she doesnt smoke. I just used that as an example.

And yes, I do agree that I shouldnt change her. She should change by reflecting wtih herself, just like what I did when I quit smoking.

To set the record straight, she doesnt smoke. I just used that as an example.

 

And yes, I do agree that I should change her. She should change by reflecting wtih herself, just like what I did when I quit smoking.

Gotcha. Just an example. But she MAY NEVER choose to "stop smoking." And that's ok too. My husband's mom has smoked for 40 years and has been married for almost as many.

It sounds like you feel lucky to have her from a looks perspective (given that her looks are a 10 and her insides are a 7).

 

If you break up with her, close the door completely. Be ready to completely move on and find someone else.

Again, the rating thing was just because of lack of a better explanation. I dont rate women. And what I rated was not the outside and inside of her but the overall attractivenss level of her for me.

Like for example (and this is just an example). You rate her as 10 (lack of better explanation) at first but you saw her smoking so the level of attractiveness of her for you decreases because you dont like a gi who smokes.

I think you're missing the point people are trying to make.

She gets to decide if she wants to change. She gets to decide what to work on and what not to work on.

Yes, you can choose to not enable behaviours (like talking to her superiors for her...it seems very parent/child like and I'm not sure why you would agree to be that role for her to begin with), but she can choose to not deal with superiors and get fired (or whatever the consequences are of no one dealing with it).

It's hard to break patterns and stop enabling someone with bad behaviours....which is probably why it's a good idea to end it...not just for her, but for you. You need to assess why you've fallen into a relationship where you've taken on a paternal role with your partner...it's not healthy. It's controlling, and leads to an unhealthy balance of power in what should be an equal partnership.

But that goes back to what I said in the beginning...it's up to her to decide what "deficiencies" she needs to work on...and even what she thinks is a deficiency ...not you.

Why would you choose someone that you would want to change. How unfair to her!!!!!

I agree. You do sound controlling.

Do her a favor. End it!

I think you're missing the point people are trying to make.

 

She gets to decide if she wants to change. She gets to decide what to work on and what not to work on.

 

Yes, you can choose to not enable behaviours (like talking to her superiors for her...it seems very parent/child like and I'm not sure why you would agree to be that role for her to begin with), but she can choose to not deal with superiors and get fired (or whatever the consequences are of no one dealing with it).

 

It's hard to break patterns and stop enabling someone with bad behaviours....which is probably why it's a good idea to end it...not just for her, but for you. You need to assess why you've fallen into a relationship where you've taken on a paternal role with your partner...it's not healthy. It's controlling, and leads to an unhealthy balance of power in what should be an equal partnership.

 

But that goes back to what I said in the beginning...it's up to her to decide what "deficiencies" she needs to work on...and even what she thinks is a deficiency ...not you.

Like i've said, I also have some issues to deal with. Me acting in a "paternal role" is one of the issues that i'd like to change.

What should I do now if I dont break up with her?

From where I sit, you sound pretty immature. You don't break up with people to "help them" and certainly don't do it dangle the carrot that if she "improves" then you can commit to each other again. And in my 30s, if I ever heard a guy rating women, particularly their gf and some other girl, I would never date him.

 

She is who she is. Will she change? Maybe. She's very young. But I hope you realize that you have just as much growing up to do.

 

If it's not working, it's not working. But don't make this some test she has to pass for your approval.

I was just about to say the same thing.

OP, you're coming across as arrogant. If I had a boyfriend who told me we couldn't be together because I had to "grow as a person"..well, I would tell him to stuff it. She is who she is. You are who you are. There are always compromises to be made, but sometimes we're just plain incompatible.

You seem to think you have this all figured out and that you somehow know better than she does who she "should" be. That's not fair. Just let her go. You're not on the same page and clearly have different expectations for a partner.

 

And yes, I do agree that I shouldnt change her. She should change by reflecting wtih herself, just like what I did when I quit smoking.

Chances are, she is changing. It's just that it'll be to suit her needs, rather than yours. You two are just not on the same page - not saying that either of you is right or wrong, just not on the same page. However, she'd be much better served if she was with someone who loves her just as she is, and you'd be better served by finding someone who's fine just as they are - if, indeed, you'd find such a person attractive.

What should I do now if I dont break up with her?

Concentrate on your own growth, rather than what you consider she should do to be a better person. Not just for this one, but any future relationships you may have. People who are emotionally mature, and capable of having healthy relationships, will not be interested in someone who treats them as though they're an incompetent kid.

Remind yourself of the saying "The most dangerous people in the world are the ones who know what's best for other people", and cultivate a bit of humility. Face your own vulnerability, and heal from within; sometimes we adopt a parental role in relationships because it's actually our own child part which needs taking care of, and we give to others what we actually need ourselves - one of the useful things about dysfunctional relationships is that they can act as a mirror in which we can see our own issues and where we need to heal - if we're willing to look.

If you take care of yourself, and let the relationship take care of itself, then it will either improve or it will end. However, she is not the problem - and leaving her is not the solution.

Concentrate on your own growth, rather than what you consider she should do to be a better person. Not just for this one, but any future relationships you may have. People who are emotionally mature, and capable of having healthy relationships, will not be interested in someone who treats them as though they're an incompetent kid.

 

Remind yourself of the saying "The most dangerous people in the world are the ones who know what's best for other people", and cultivate a bit of humility. Face your own vulnerability, and heal from within; sometimes we adopt a parental role in relationships because it's actually our own child part which needs taking care of, and we give to others what we actually need ourselves - one of the useful things about dysfunctional relationships is that they can act as a mirror in which we can see our own issues and where we need to heal - if we're willing to look.

 

If you take care of yourself, and let the relationship take care of itself, then it will either improve or it will end. However, she is not the problem - and leaving her is not the solution.

Wow. Thank you for the advice. I will definitly do that.

As for my GIGS, I think the problem was I wasn't nurturing my relationship enough. That's why I see other greener grass.

From now on, I will try my best to change as well as to nurture my relationship and see how it goes.