What happened on this date?

Okay so I know this is kind of silly but it's kind of eating at me. I just want some analysis so I can kind of figure it out so I can make sense of it and close it in my head. I think my low self esteem makes me bad at rejections.

So I met a guy off a dating site. He lived three hours away so we just talked/texted first, we had plans to meet up in a few weeks when he was driving down to meet me. So we started talking, and he's probably a guy I would never marry or even have a serious future with(lately I'm just in a idgaf phase and I've been kinda dating anyone, maybe just boredom on my part in a way, sorry don't judge). At first early on, we just kind of talked about our dreams/goals/problems etc. And he's super vulgar/crude/sexual so naturally his convo turned sexual fast one night where we stayed up talking all night. That night we talked abt everything, divulged a ton of secrets etc and I told him about my past exes, to which I guess he said he didn't like hearing about and he thinks I'm not over them. I said that kinda might be true but I'm over them enough to date again and move on. He talked about how having a good sex life is super important to him and how he has some addiction or something in a way and whatever kinky stuff he's into. It became kinda sexual after that. (please don't slam me too much, I'm just in a phase and I wasn't taking him seriously). We were supposed to meet in a couple days after that convo. But come the next morning, I felt weird about it all and my friend was telling me I was getting played for sex and that he's not interested in a relationship at all, and just wants sex. I Was under the impression that he just wanted to date (sex included) and see if things developed from there. So I told him that I feel weird about it and that it seems like it's just about sex with him, and that I'm not a hook up kinda girl. And he said that well he definitely wants to get to know me and said I was worrying too early on and we haven't met yet. Right after that, he said he felt like I'm not over my exes and that he feels like he's competing and it's been weighing on him. So we just agreed to meet and not bring up sex or exes. Things felt a bit quieter after that convo with him.

So we met and it was weird. I mean I didn't really feel much chemistry with him and he seemed pretty bored too and I was super tired(because conversation wasn't engaging with him at all), so I was constantly yawning and pretty quiet. I think I also felt weird because I wasn't sure if he even found me attractive(he said he's also pretty shallow). Anyway so he didn't try anything physical with me, we hugged and said bye. I asked him straight up after he got home how he felt. At first he says, that I passed his beauty standard whatever and that I was fun and he had fun. And I said I didn't get that vibe from him at all. And again he brings up how he he's glad I didn't bring up my exes and that it's been bugging him a lot that I'm not over them to the point where he thinks it's not good for a long relationship. So I tell him I think it's an excuse and that maybe he just didn't find me attractive. And he says that's not true at all and that he did and finally he just says he didn't feel we clicked romantically and that he thinks I'm not over my exes and so I say okay(in a pathetic way because I suck at rejection) and we say our goodbyes.

Sorry I know that's super long but I just want some thoughts on why it ended. I mean, was he just looking for sex and when I ended the sex talk, he made up the excuse about me not being over my exes to end it? If that's the case, why come visit me still? Or did he just not find me attractive? Or did we just genuinely not click? I know it's silly of me to care this much on a guy that I don't really know, but I just like knowing why and if I was getting played in a way for sex? And I know the bigger morals here, I guess I just want some analysis on this situation of what happened if you guys don't mind. Thanks for reading.

It sounds like he was just looking for something physical. If you're looking fir something more substantial, you dodged a bullet with this guy. I'd steer clear of him.

If he talked so much about sex it doesn't mean he just wanted sex. You shouldn't say "I didn't get that vibe from him at all", because if some girl would tell me something like that after first date, I would not feel so great. Some people are very happy but they can't show it so much.

It just sounds like you weren't a good match. There didn't seem to be any connection, beyond the physical.

Time to move on - why try to fabricate something that isn't there.

So you do realize you used the word "sex" like 9 times to describe how your date went, right?

Even now that women are more publicly doing the whole NSA thing (and good on them), it's still pretty rare that a woman who's DTF is going to sit across the table while a guy's being suggestive and go, "Oh, yeah. I'm totally into getting pounded tonight." What ends up happening is the guy gets suggestive, borderline off-the-wall so as to leave little room for ambiguity, and lets the woman decide if she wants to continue on given what he's thrown out there. If she does while knowing the blatant intentions he's thrown out there, that's generally our signal that we're gonna score.

Not saying it's a good or bad system, but that's more or less how it runs. Heed the blatant signals and respond accordingly.

Jman- Urgh yeah maybe, I mean I kind of got that feeling but I just figured he wanted to date with sex and see if something developed. Maybe I'm just gullible and naive.

But it's like, not being vain here, but I get told often I'm pretty etc. but I just have such bad self esteem in general that it's so hard for me to decipher if they think I'm not attractive or skinny enough versus if they weren't interested because they just wanted a hook up or we didn't have chemistry. Because that's what I always default to, I just think they didn't think I'm pretty enough so that's why they weren't interested.

So things like this just kill my self esteem and I'm left confused wondering what the real reason was.

And if that was the case though like you said that he just wanted sex, why come visit me even after I said I wasn't a hook up kind of girl and that I wanted to get to know him instead?

Because he wanted sex. With you. With anyone. It happened to be you. I'd say you had a lucky escape. Despite being a woman, I'd agree with j.man. Having been on dating sites to "see what they're like" I've had conversations which have gone...

Me: Hi, how are you?

Him: Hi, fine thanks, and you?

Me: Good thanks - what have you been up to?

Him: Nothing much? What do you look like?

Me: Martian with six heads

Him: Haha... Bet you're really pretty - I'm feeling really horny right now.

Me: BYE

You can actually tell within four sentences who the letches are.... be self aware and learn from experience. Good luck X

I might suggest refraining from dating until you get your self esteem in check.

Your post started with how you'll accept attention from anyone at this time, even those who take the conversation to something sexual.

Even though you know that's not what you are about you continue to talk to him and even agree to meet.

I often think when people talk about their ex's in excess it's a way to keep the other person at bay.

I suspect maybe that's what you were doing here. You didn't intend on going forward with this guy, suspecting what he was all about yet you encouraged him just enough for the attention and in the end set him to up discard you.

If your self esteem wasn't at it's best prior to this, you've just engaged in an exercise to destroy it further.

Because he wanted sex. With you. With anyone. It happened to be you. I'd say you had a lucky escape. Despite being a woman, I'd agree with j.man. Having been on dating sites to "see what they're like" I've had conversations which have gone...

 

Me: Hi, how are you?

Him: Hi, fine thanks, and you?

Me: Good thanks - what have you been up to?

Him: Nothing much? What do you look like?

Me: Martian with six heads

Him: Haha... Bet you're really pretty - I'm feeling really horny right now.

Me: BYE

 

You can actually tell within four sentences who the letches are.... be self aware and learn from experience. Good luck X

LOL, SkellyW, you are funny and that is hysterical, thnx for sharing!

What is up with these guys??!!!!

Pun intended. Jesus!

Reinventmyself - What do you mean? Can you elaborate? Like yeah I didn't see a foreseeable future with him, we are really different and he's kind of lame, but I was bored? And I don't know maybe a part of me wanted to date these kinda guys because it's a way to prove to myself(and hopefully validate/repair my crappy self esteem) that I can "land" one of them or have them be interested in me. Maybe in a way, he reminded me of a lot of my last two exes, who dumped me. So I was trying to prove to myself and my esteem by getting this guy to like me. Wow that was really tough to write and admit. Gosh, I feel really screwed up. Maybe I do need to quit dating for a while. How do I resolve these issues in me? Is this damage done from bad dates/bruised egos/my previous exes? I don't know if any amount of self reflecting is going to help me not feel good enough. Urgh.

Reinventmyself - What do you mean? Can you elaborate? Like yeah I didn't see a foreseeable future with him, we are really different and he's kind of lame, but I was bored? And I don't know maybe a part of me wanted to date these kinda guys because it's a way to prove to myself(and hopefully validate/repair my crappy self esteem) that I can "land" one of them or have them be interested in me. Maybe in a way, he reminded me of a lot of my last two exes, who dumped me. So I was trying to prove to myself and my esteem by getting this guy to like me. Wow that was really tough to write and admit. Gosh, I feel really screwed up. Maybe I do need to quit dating for a while. How do I resolve these issues in me? Is this damage done from bad dates/bruised egos/my previous exes? I don't know if any amount of self reflecting is going to help me not feel good enough. Urgh.

Those are all great questions to be asking yourself.

You aren't going to find the answers by inviting inappropriate men in your life.

By going about it the way you are you are bound to get deeper in the muck.

Stay single for a while and get in touch with yourself and sort some things out.

Consider therapy and there are some great books out there you can be reading in the meantime.

Don't date until you are date ready and whole

It seems you are not ready to date. Better filtering would spare you jerks like this guy. Don't get so bored and lonely that you drag on sex chats, lengthy disclosures, etc. for weeks on end with someone you haven't met. .

You'll get better results when you get out of that phase and only message/respond to and meet suitable guys

I'm just in a idgaf phase .we met and it was weird. I mean I didn't really feel much chemistry with him.

Reinventmyself - What do you mean? Can you elaborate? Like yeah I didn't see a foreseeable future with him, we are really different and he's kind of lame, but I was bored? And I don't know maybe a part of me wanted to date these kinda guys because it's a way to prove to myself(and hopefully validate/repair my crappy self esteem) that I can "land" one of them or have them be interested in me. Maybe in a way, he reminded me of a lot of my last two exes, who dumped me. So I was trying to prove to myself and my esteem by getting this guy to like me. Wow that was really tough to write and admit. Gosh, I feel really screwed up. Maybe I do need to quit dating for a while. How do I resolve these issues in me? Is this damage done from bad dates/bruised egos/my previous exes? I don't know if any amount of self reflecting is going to help me not feel good enough. Urgh.

This guy doesn't sound like he would be tough to "land", I mean anyone with a pair of boobs and a vagina could "land" him. By the same token, getting him to like you is just you setting a very low standard for yourself, because based on your brief description of him he doesn't sound like much of a prize.

Maybe you should stay single for a while, and work on yourself so that you get better at filtering the trash you will inevitably run into on dating sites. Rule #1 - when a guy starts talking sexually with you before even meeting you, it's a tell tale sign he is just looking to get laid, regardless if it's with you or with any other woman who may be willing. Listening to this kind of talk is not a good idea, but reciprocating and participating in this type of conversation will never land you a boyfriend. So work on yourself until you reach the point where you say buh-bye the second anything sexual comes out of the mouth of a guy you have not met in person, or even on the first date. Set a higher standard for yourself, aim higher, and only then will you meet the type of guy you want. And never see a guy's approval as a measure of your self worth, because one has absolutely nothing to do with the other.

What happened? Well, in answer to your question... within my experience, casual dating's fine - as long as it isn't sexual, just enjoy each other's company and don't contact them again if you don't have anything in common.

You've described this guy as "super vulgar/crude/sexual" (nice!), "how he has some addiction or something in a way and whatever kinky stuff he's into" (Great! Sounds like a keeper!) and "he said he's also pretty shallow" (When a guy tells you who he is, BELIEVE HIM!!!). It sounds like you were talking about your exes as a way of keeping him at a distance, and the only thing you did wrong was fail to increase that distance by 1000, and run!

If this is what you want from a man, then fine. I'm not making any judgment here... I know of someone who's had a very happy BDSM relationship with a woman he met outside Waterloo Station, and she'd told him she wouldn't be wearing any knickers!... but take your time to get to know new people.

If you've only just met someone, then the kind of over-sharing you describe makes it very difficult to move the relationship forward. Really intimate thoughts and fantasies should be there for people with whom you've already established some kind of trust, and during that time you'll have seen how they operate in the world, how they relate to you and others, and whether they're out to take advantage of you.

Guys like this are not capable of having a warm, supportive relationship with anyone, and you're likely to encounter a lot of pain in your journey to try and get something from them that they just don't have to give. There are many ways of working on self-esteem, and it's important to remember that it comes from within. Nobody else can give it to you, any more than they can eat or sleep for you. However, being around some people can make your already fragile self-esteem even more damaged, as you have seen.

You need to concentrate on your own healing, and not look to others to validate you. Then guys like this will lose their appeal, I promise you!

Yeah you guys are all right. I don't know I guess I was just in a bored phase, maybe a little lonely too. It's like he decided to divulge all his weird sexual interests, I never really engaged back, I guess I just listened. I think a part of me thought he Was just opening up to me, and sharing something about himself that he was scared to reveal because it was weird and he was afraid of scaring people off. Like, his way of connecting to someone. Gosh, I'm gullible and naive haha. I need a better player gauge. I just feel like people have gotten so good at being players and stringing you along for sex, while making you believe there is potential. Bleh.

I don't know, I think his rejection just hurt my self esteem, and that's my fault for even talking to him. Which is funny, because I ignored him for 6 months. He messaged again and I continued to blow him off because we were different and he seemed jerk like. He just kept pushing and talking to me, eventually I got bored and caved. And now here I am. I have such a hard time holding onto my emotional boundaries with guys I like, I don't know why. Even when I take a break from dating and reflect and recognize my poor past behaviors and then come back to it, I find myself doing the same stupid things. It's frustrating. Maybe I should just pick the guy who likes me more than I like him, so I don't act like a fool and I can keep my rationality/sanity.

"Maybe I should just pick the guy who likes me more than I like him, so I don't act like a fool and I can keep my rationality/sanity."

How about you "pick" the guy with whom you share a mutual interest and attraction?

It sounds to me like you're trying to NOT get rejected more than you're trying to find someone who's right for you.

This guy didn't reject you because he didn't want 'you' to begin with.

He wanted sex, not you or anyone for that matter, so choose not to personalize it.

Be thankful he moved onto his next target and he wasn't successful with you.

Hey Brokenheart99,

I have been reading your post , and Reinventmyself brought up some points that made you admit some hard things for yourself, such as that you are may be trying to prove something to yourself and/or repair your self-esteem via attention from guys...Believe me, I can relate so much.

You're really brave for recognizing that. You wanted to know how you maybe start to change those patterns. I have recently ended my marriage and am getting back in the dating pool and I can feel myself tending towards some bad habits of wanting to be wanted, almost at all costs, and I am starting to see how awful it is. How it makes me feel completely crappy about myself and I put all my value in the hands of others. That's not okay.

Recently, I discovered a website and the corresponding podcasts by a woman named Natalie Lue who is a writer in London who's been dealing with these kinds of issues and writing about them for the past decade. I thought I'd share the link to her blog and I recommend listening to her podcasts. She's really insightful and good at explaining some of the thoughts/emotions/feelings that are behind why we do/say/think/feel certain ways. It's been really helpful to gain some perspective. I'm on episode 39 and I think she's currently up to 44 or 45 episodes. I'm starting to freak out because it's almost over and I want to keep hearing her wisdom. I guess I'll have to start surfing around the blog a little more.

That's the website.

Anyway, just thought that might be a start. Also, I would highly recommend any books by Brene Brown. She's a researcher who deals a lot with issues of self-esteem, feelings of shame, courage, and the ability to recognize that we're not perfect (and that's okay). In addition, there is a writer named Cheryl Strayed who penned an advice column called "Dear Sugar" for a few years and later wrote a book that is a compilation of many of the questions and her responses. The books is called Tiny Beautiful Things. The topics of peoples' questions really run the gamut, but it doesn't matter. She has this clear-eyed, no nonsense, honest, raw, and sometimes tough advice that isn't always what people want to hear, but I think probably need to hear. It's just beautiful to read about other peoples' struggles and issues and realize you're not the only one going through things.

You're not broken. You're human. Start there. Start with learning to accept yourself as perfectly flawed in your own unique way. Learn to accept that about yourself and I think you'll be in the path to loving yourself.

I hope this helps and I wish you all the best. Hugs! -Erin

And I don't know maybe a part of me wanted to date these kinda guys because it's a way to prove to myself(and hopefully validate/repair my crappy self esteem) that I can "land" one of them or have them be interested in me. Maybe in a way, he reminded me of a lot of my last two exes, who dumped me. So I was trying to prove to myself and my esteem by getting this guy to like me. Wow that was really tough to write and admit. Gosh, I feel really screwed up. Maybe I do need to quit dating for a while. How do I resolve these issues in me?

That's a brave thing to admit.

I say NOT dating plus getting yourself into therapy (with a GOOD therapist) would be the best investment in yourself that you can make. You need to work on your self-esteem levels without temporarily propping yourself up with validation from a dude.

What happened?

This is what I see.

He spoke to you in a vulgar sex filled way and you allowed it.

You talked/texted way to much before the first meet. Get a general idea if you like the guy enough to meet and then cut the communication way back.

You revealed way to much about yourself way too fast/soon. You don't even know this guy and you aired all your laundry to him before you even met face to face.

You talked about ex's. That is a no no. Leave the past where it belongs.

The date was boring because you both used up all your first meet/date information way before you met. There was little to discover and talk about.

Your insecurity showed when he tried to politely tell you no thanks. Don't put words in someone else's mouth. He said XYZ but you told him it is because he thinks ABC about you.

I am sure you are very pretty and have a nice figure but many of us good guys look for way more than that. Smart, funny, secure, confident, has their crap together, good mother/sister/friend, not vain, not selfish and honest.

What are you looking for? It kinda seems like you are allowing these men to do all the choosing. You are in the driver seat on this believe me. Guys are the ones hoping you choose them so remember that.

Lost

.

What happened?

 

This is what I see.

 

He spoke to you in a vulgar sex filled way and you allowed it.

You talked/texted way to much before the first meet. Get a general idea if you like the guy enough to meet and then cut the communication way back.

You revealed way to much about yourself way too fast/soon. You don't even know this guy and you aired all your laundry to him before you even met face to face.

You talked about ex's. That is a no no. Leave the past where it belongs.

The date was boring because you both used up all your first meet/date information way before you met. There was little to discover and talk about.

 

 

Your insecurity showed when he tried to politely tell you no thanks. Don't put words in someone else's mouth. He said XYZ but you told him it is because he thinks ABC about you.

 

I am sure you are very pretty and have a nice figure but many of us good guys look for way more than that. Smart, funny, secure, confident, has their crap together, good mother/sister/friend, not vain, not selfish and honest.

 

What are you looking for? It kinda seems like you are allowing these men to do all the choosing. You are in the driver seat on this believe me. Guys are the ones hoping you choose them so remember that.

 

Lost

.

You are 100% right, honestly I don't know what I was thinking. I was just bored and it wasn't anything serious. I honestly was just bored, I wasn't even interested in him really because he was so self centered and uncaring and seemed douchey. But his stupid rejection stung. And yeah, that made me ridiculously needy and insecure and I didn't accept his rejection well. We did talk a lot before we met and We had even said that we would have nothing to talk about when we met. And of course that's exactly what happened. But I also think a lot of it had to do with the fact that he just doesn't respond to what you say. He just talks about himself and is really uncaring(what a keeper). I think I just spoke to him a lot and about my past and exes, not because I had any intention of ever really dating or becoming serious with him, but I think I just wanted a pseudo-bf/someone to listen to me, to feel connected to, even if for just a while. I think i have just been kinda lonely or bored. All in all it was stupid of me. I think what bothers me some is why is it that when someone ends things with me, why I can't just accept it? I so want to be one of those strong girls who just says okay and can walk off and leave it at that, without becoming this pathetic mess, especially in front of them. It's like the worse low feeling for me(even if I don't like them) and I end up fighting them on it or compromising my ego/self worth just to avoid the rejection(i.e. Going back to this guy and asking why he said no etc). I'm sure it has something to do with my self esteem, I'm sure. I guess it's just something I need to work on. And it's so frustrating because anyone who sees or meets me will think(hopefully) I am confident and that I have no reason to be unconfident(not being vain sorry), but I'm not in a lotta ways. Inside, I have extremely low self esteem. Certain people and situations make my esteem issues worse or better however. I guess old wounds and upbringing really do run deep. And yeah, he was a loser jerk with no direction in life who would be lucky to have any girl, but I guess I just lost sight of that in my loneliness. I'm a work in progress, hah aren't we all.

And trez-thank you so much for the link, I love brene brown her Ted talk on vulnerability is actually one of my favorite talks. I'll have to check out the others

Thanks everyone

If you were to look up the definition of self esteem . . it is about having self respect, self value and self worth.

You can't help but notice the word repeated over and over is `self'.

The self esteem you are looking for comes from you and not from some guy creeping on the internet.

He can't take that from you either, but you can give it away.

A good place to start is you need to be kinder to yourself, place higher value on your actions, and be very discerning about who you allow in your life.

Is there something else you can to do to combat the loneliness?

If you were to look up the definition of self esteem . . it is about having self respect, self value and self worth.

You can't help but notice the word repeated over and over is `self'.

 

The self esteem you are looking for comes from you and not from some guy creeping on the internet.

He can't take that from you either, but you can give it away.

 

A good place to start is you need to be kinder to yourself, place higher value on your actions, and be very discerning about who you allow in your life.

 

Is there something else you can to do to combat the loneliness?

Wow. The whole part of being kinder to yourself really struck me. That's absolutely right. Maybe I am really hard on myself and so are other people. Perhaps it always makes me feel not good enough and take it personal. I think that's amazing advice, I will try to be kinder to myself and not blaming everything on myself.

As far as the loneliness, I don't know what I can do. I'll see if I can figure something out. Join a class or something.

I know this guy was a jerk and really you did too right off the bat. But you did look to use him to ease your loneliness which isn't a good thing. You are better than that right?

Many have not wanted something and actually really disliked someone or something until it was about to be taken away from us and then all of a sudden for strange reasons we want it more than ever. This is what happened to you I believe. Don't beat yourself up over it, just learn from it.

Yes I agree you should get some new interests and friends. Just because you are alone doesn't mean you are lonely does it?

As your life becomes more full and fulfilling you will find this kind of thing will not happen. Alone or with someone your life is good so the loss doesn't hurt as much and it doesn't feel like such a desperate situation.

Lost

I love your avatar, Brokenheart99!