My Wife Left Me Today

Well, I came home from work today and found my wife and most of her belongings gone. My work can take me away from home for more than 24 hours at a time, that's just the way things are. Thing's hadn't been right for a while, I knew that and I think now that I sub-consciously saw this coming but didn't want to admit it to myself. My wife and I only got married 3 months ago but have been together almost 3 years. I don't know how to feel at this point, I mean she had a troubled past, an ex who was a heroin addict who beat her and controlled her every move, she has some physical scars from this period in her life and maybe still some emotional ones too. I am not perfect, we had arguments were I punched walls in frustration (doing myself more harm than anything), I am not a violent person and if she ever cried I would move mountains to make her happy and she knew that.

So, today I came home to all her things gone and a letter, which she had typed and printed on her computer and all of her stuff gone. And I just don't know how to deal with this at the moment, I still care about her and want to know she's okay. I've phoned and tried to talk things out but she's made it clear in her own way that this won't and will never happen. I feel now like I ignored warning signs early on in the relationship, I am now isolated from the social circle I had at the start of our relationship and I can't help but feel this was calculated by her. Things like starting arguments if I went out with friends or it only mattering about seeing her family over christmas and other things.

The bottom line is, I feel both grief and also relief. I am grieving for a love that I truly wanted to grow despite all obstacles and truly wanting to make her happy and help her get over all the grief in her past. But at the same time I feel relief, that she can never treat me like she has again.

Does anybody know what I mean or can give me some advice about where to go now?

Thanks.

I'm so sorry I think that feeling of relief is one that you will want to hold on to and remember through whatever comes next. I'm betting that sometime in the next 2 weeks -- maybe as soon as tomorrow morning -- you're going to be wanting her back like you've never wanted anything before. It's caused by a combination of withdrawals (we really can become addicted to people and the brain chemicals that are released when we are with them) and a subconscious desire to perpetuate the toxic cycle.

My advice:

1) Give her space. Let her come to you.

2) Don't beg. Even if she comes back, you'll be on unequal ground after begging. There will never be respect again.

3) Focus on all the reasons you are better off without her.

4) Get your old friends back or get some new ones and start seeing a therapist because you don't want to go through this on your own.

5) If she softens up and wants you back, think long and hard about saying yes. It will probably end this way every time.

6) Take whatever time you need to heal after the divorce is final before jumping back into the dating scene.

I'm amazed you even have the strength to type such a detailed post on the day your wife left you.

I'm so sorry I think that feeling of relief is one that you will want to hold on to and remember through whatever comes next. I'm betting that sometime in the next 2 weeks -- maybe as soon as tomorrow morning -- you're going to be wanting her back like you've never wanted anything before. It's caused by a combination of withdrawals (we really can become addicted to people and the brain chemicals that are released when we are with them) and a subconscious desire to perpetuate the toxic cycle.

 

My advice:

 

1) Give her space. Let her come to you.

 

2) Don't beg. Even if she comes back, you'll be on unequal ground after begging. There will never be respect again.

 

3) Focus on all the reasons you are better off without her.

 

4) Get your old friends back or get some new ones and start seeing a therapist because you don't want to go through this on your own.

 

5) If she softens up and wants you back, think long and hard about saying yes. It will probably end this way every time.

 

6) Take whatever time you need to heal after the divorce is final before jumping back into the dating scene.

Thank you.

It means a lot you have heard me.

We have probably lost respect already, I feel that has been the problem for some time, but I have made some calls to her today just wanting answers. I suspect she probably has somebody else, she wouldn't admit to that even if it was the case but if she did this would be so much easier. And not just this, I just wanted answers for the little things that should mean nothing but somehow they do, like was it today or yesterday? I know how it sounds but I feel like even just those small details could bring me some kind of closure to this. But she won't give me even that.

I get what you are saying about being addicted to people and I've been through that before so I think I know what's coming up next, but again thank you for hearing and responding to me, it means the world right now.

In her letter, what did she say was the reason why she was abandoning you and the marital home?

In her letter, what did she say was the reason why she was abandoning you and the marital home?

The reasons she gave were not being happy, the person she should be, not doing things together as a couple and she couldn't live like this any longer.

The reasons she gave were not being happy, the person she should be, not doing things together as a couple and she couldn't live like this any longer.

Sorry.

I do wonder if things hadn't been going well for a while, why you would marry? Is there joint assets to consider?

Thank you, also for hearing and responding to me.

I don't know were she is now, she won't tell me. My last few contacts with her she has been hostile and I've decided not to contact her again, so any kind of discussion is off the table at this point.

As to why would I marry her? Because I loved her and nothing is ever perfect, when I said before that things hadn't been right for a while I mean over the past month her attitude toward me became very negative, I sensed something was up but couldn't get close enough to find out what. She put barriers, I can see now it was to hide this.

Punching walls IS a violent gesture .

Personally, while I think very few marriage separations just fall out of the sky, it really does put a cynical spin on the whole deal if people fairly routinely end them without so much as a counseling session. I'd like to think if you tie the knot, barring adultery or abuse, you should be able to expect that much. Otherwise, why get married? You could just stay unmarried and dump someone with much fewer complications.

Whenever you can pick yourself up, get a hold of a divorce attorney. Even if she does come back around, now's a good time to be prepared.

ETA: Didn't notice the punching walls part, so I gotta thank Victoria for pointing it out. No one should ever assume a wall or an inanimate object is going to be the extent to which someone goes to physically release their frustrations. When's the last time you had one of these arguments where you punched the wall? How often would you say they've happened? Have you ever sought out anger management? What were the subjects of the arguments wherein you did end up punching the wall?

Sorry you're having to go through this difficult time. My advise now is to: Leave her to it and do go to a lawyer to learn about your rights and obligations and work on your self so that you learn to handle your anger without punching walls. I would imagine with her background of being in an abusive relationship that that behaviour would frighten her (or anyone, really). Anger management classes ae held where ever you happen to live so consider taking a course.

Good luck going forth.

Personally, while I think very few marriage separations just fall out of the sky, it really does put a cynical spin on the whole deal if people fairly routinely end them without so much as a counseling session. I'd like to think if you tie the knot, barring adultery or abuse, you should be able to expect that much. Otherwise, why get married? You could just stay unmarried and dump someone with much fewer complications.

 

Whenever you can pick yourself up, get a hold of a divorce attorney. Even if she does come back around, now's a good time to be prepared.

 

ETA: Didn't notice the punching walls part, so I gotta thank Victoria for pointing it out. No one should ever assume a wall or an inanimate object is going to be the extent to which someone goes to physically release their frustrations. When's the last time you had one of these arguments where you punched the wall? How often would you say they've happened? Have you ever sought out anger management? What were the subjects of the arguments wherein you did end up punching the wall?

Yes, it is a violent gesture but I felt at the time it was the healthiest response available to emotional abuse I was getting, that and leaving the house for a while which I also did. The last time we had an argument like that was before the wedding and they had happened 4 times over the course of our relationship. No I have never sought out anger management. The subjects of these kinds of arguments were usually when she didn't like that I chose to do something like see a friend or family.

There may some cultural differences here, in my country (UK) therapy/counselling isn't really a thing and what will happen during divorce proceedings is actually the last thing on my mind right now.

I suspect that she may similarly have felt treated poorly by you. Punching a walk as the healthiest alternative you could think of to worse is actually a pretty significant red flag on your part. And since you mentioned that quite off handedly, I imagine there was much more going on.

Perhaps you can reach out to an online couselor where someone from potentially another country can provide you some emotional support.

... I have made some calls to her today just wanting answers. I suspect she probably has somebody else, she wouldn't admit to that even if it was the case but if she did this would be so much easier. And not just this, I just wanted answers for the little things that should mean nothing but somehow they do, like was it today or yesterday? I know how it sounds but I feel like even just those small details could bring me some kind of closure to this.

Even if you were able to get answers to those questions, they wouldn't satisfy you for long. Closure is something you'll need to get on your own, and it will come in time.

I suspect that she may similarly have felt treated poorly by you. Punching a walk as the healthiest alternative you could think of to worse is actually a pretty significant red flag on your part. And since you mentioned that quite off handedly, I imagine there was much more going on.

 

I know how it sounds but there wasn't. Physically hurting somebody is just not who I am as a person. That's really all I can say about that, you've no reason to believe either way.

@gebaird - I know and thank you again. I know it's stupid wanting answers to irrelevant questions, its all just been a massive leap from telling each other "I Love You" the day before yesterday to what I came home to yesterday. In any case I think it's helping to get my feelings out.

I have an abusive ex in my past as well. I am thus very sensitive to any display of violence and simply do not tolerate it.

I am not saying she is blameless or perfect, but your behaviour would have been a deal-breaker for me. Perhaps it triggered and bothered her more than she realized. If punching a wall is the healthiest response to anger that you can come up with, that is a significant problem. And yes, I have been the target of emotional and verbal abuse as well. I know how awful it is to be on the receiving end; but punching anything in response to that abuse is just not in me. Please, for your own well-being, do some inner work as to why you're expressing your anger that way. Learn healthier responses.

I think you should be contacting a lawyer, as it sounds like your marriage is over. She doesn't seem interested in trying to mend anything. I don't know the law where you are, but perhaps annulment is an option given the short duration of the marriage.

I know how it sounds but there wasn't. Physically hurting somebody is just not who I am as a person. That's really all I can say about that, you've no reason to believe either way.

 

@gebaird - I know and thank you again. I know it's stupid wanting answers to irrelevant questions, its all just been a massive leap from telling each other "I Love You" the day before yesterday to what I came home to yesterday. In any case I think it's helping to get my feelings out.

THAT SAID, you've admitted that this hasn't happened since you've been married, so I don't want to give it any undue consideration. If she went into the marriage knowing it's something you've done in the past and it ends up you haven't done it since you were married, I'd be willing to check it off the list of direct causes.

I can understand lawyering up isn't a priority for you right now. Sorry you're going through this.

Despite my earlier phrasing, I didn't mean to give the impression that I felt my behaviour during the arguments was appropriate, more like I didn't know how to deal with where situations had gotten to and I was acting out. I fully accept that I need to do a lot of work with myself and sincerely thank you all for your honesty with me.