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Thread: "Almost Boyfriend" went to cousins wedding with other girl, not me..

  1. #1
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    "Almost Boyfriend" went to cousins wedding with other girl, not me..

    Hey everyone,
    so I've been dating this guy, lets call him Gabe for 1 month now. We've gone on more 5+ dates and have hung out almost every other day since meeting. The situation is, he lives with a girl.. lets call her Ray. Ray and Gabe had a housewarming party back in august that I got invited to, and that's where I met gab. When gabe saw me, he immediately told his roommate that he was interested in me and that he was asking who i was and he admitted to her that he had to go to another room to take a deep breath before he could talk to me, which i later found out from our mutual friend and he laughed and admitted he said this about me.

    So we've been starting to date ever since and He's expressed to me that he hasn't felt this way about anyone in a really long time and that he really likes me and cares about me. I've expressed the same.. we've also both established that what we're both looking for is probably to be in a serious relationship... we havent played games and we're pretty honest about everything we want with each other. But since these conversation.. it's been a month now and although I'm in no rush, the next conversation id like to have with him is if we're official? and if i can start calling him my boyfriend and so forth. etc. He's also partly a musician, and also a really bad liar.. lol, and he keeps telling me that he wrote a song for me, which i think this will be when he asks me to be his girlfriend but I'm not sure.

    His roommate, Ray is a cool chick. She's down to earth, and through our mutual friend i've hung out with her a lot in the past and we've even spent a thanksgiving together because she was kind enough to invite me over last year when I decided i wasn't going home for that weekend. This is her first time having a guy roommate. I like Ray but lately I've been feeling a little uncomfortable about a few things....

    1. Before Gabe and I met each other, Gabe asked Ray if she could be his date to his cousins wedding 2 months ago.. She agreed and on their fridge they have the invitation taped up. Since Gabe's been dating me.. and has shown me he's been super invested.. he stopped communicating to Ray whether they would go by car or plane to this event, so instead of asking him again what he had decided/prefered.. she bought the tickets for the two of them instantly and them told him about it. He told me this recently, and was like "I just really wish she would have asked me first" and I wonder why he took so long to make the decision,.. because I think it had to do with me. But now

    They're staying in a hotel.... right now as I'm writing this and I believe its the same room so what the heck.

    Now, while I understand they had these plans before they met me, I'm actually surprised I'm this chill about it. I believe that whatever happened happens, and that this is a test to see how much he really does care about me. He usually texts me good morning, goodnight, what are you up to.. but I haven't said anything to him before the trip almost on purpose because I want to know what his reaction will be like. However, I was speaking to my mom and she brought up a point that he's literally going to get asked by his family is she's his girlfriend and whats the deal.. so why did he end up going through with it.. which now that I think about it, yeah this is ALL so STRANGE. and not very comfortable

    but like i said, i'm seeing his behavior etc. and when he gets back i'm establishing what we our, label wise.

    2. The other day we had been pretty intimate with each other for the first time and the next day when we spoke he told me that Ray was acting weird him lately and he doesn't know why... That maybe she's tired or etc. but she just acts different now with him.

    3. Sometimes he tells her he loves her, from what my mutual friend says... and although i haven't heard him or her saying anything like that to each other It seriously confuses me...

    4. She's underneath his gym membership account as his "wife" so they both save money having a joined account.

    5. He calls her this nickname all the time instead of her actual name.

    6. He's going back to law school and we live in new york city so he currently lives in brooklyn but
    he expressed to her that in the near future he may want to move into the city and leave bk. She wasn't so happy about this and seemed like she didn't want to move out.


    I just want to know... if this is ok? I'm kind of traditional and the thought of it makes me so uncomfortable.. I would never put someone through the same situation so that's why I've never even considered living with a guy whom i wasn't interested in. Gabe is 6'4.. attractive, muscular.. and the most likable guy... but I don't know If I can deal with so many "friends" that are girls in his life. The lines can get blurred really easily when you even start a relationship with someone and they have a million girlfriends.

    What are your thoughts, and what advice could you give me? I'm very interested in him but this is a big deal breaker for me.

    SIDE NOTE: we've talked 3 times about how I do NOT believe in friendships between a guy and girl. Sure there are exceptions but it is very rare.. and he's told me stories about how he's usually the one that his girlfriends fall for but he had no idea.. etc. and that I have nothing to worry about.. But this is scary. I feel like this isn't fair and When Im personally interested in someone I don't hang out with my ex's, I don't linger around with other guy friends... etc. I want to invest more of my time into this one person that I'm into. I just don't know what to do at this point

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    It sounds like you dont trust one or the other or both of them. Is that part of the problem? I'm female and I have many guy friends. I've been married for a long time and my husband doesnt mind that I have guy friends. I played in a band for years and it was all guys and me. I dont see it as a big deal at all as long as everyone respects each other.

    Is Ray going to move with Gabe when he moves for school? Will he be living near you at that point? I do think you are worrying unnecessarily as it doesnt seem like Gabe has given you any reason to not trust him.

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    "SIDE NOTE: we've talked 3 times about how I do NOT believe in friendships between a guy and girl. Sure there are exceptions but it is very rare.. and he's told me stories about how he's usually the one that his girlfriends fall for but he had no idea.. etc. and that I have nothing to worry about.. But this is scary. I feel like this isn't fair and When Im personally interested in someone I don't hang out with my ex's, I don't linger around with other guy friends... etc. I want to invest more of my time into this one person that I'm into. I just don't know what to do at this point "

    If this is how you feel, do not hook up with a guy who is living with a girl. If marajuana was one of your deal breakers, would you date a guy who you met at a party who was trying to get you to smoke some weed with him? Your values are not compatible with his.

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    Sounds like she is interested in him, but I doubt it is reciprocated. See how he behaves during this wedding and how much contact he makes? You're being cool by not getting wound up about it though, well done on your control.

    I guess cos they arranged to go to the wedding before, he didn't want to go back on his word. But I'm unsure as to why they have to share a room? If it's money reasons they could have both shared a room with same sex relatives.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Do you find yourself having a habit of getting involved with guys you know you're incompatible with and then trying to control them to accommodate you?

    You don't like male-female friendships but here you are getting involved with a man who's clearly got one going. It'd be one thing if you two had committed and he suddenly sprung this on you, but right now you two are just dating and this is as it's been since the beginning.

    Yes, he and his roommate seem to play it pretty fast and loose with boundaries, and I'm not sure if I'd want any part of it personally, but it's not wrong. It'd be wrong of me to go into it thinking I could manipulate things to my own preferences.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Snny's Avatar
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    I wouldn't let the wedding upset you. The invitation was made out way before he dated you and it is beyond his control of who to bring since he is a PLUS ONE. Please note: a plus one is different than coming as a significant other. Also note: the roommate and him have to make traveling plans to attend this wedding. Going to a wedding all by yourself - especially if you have to travel a distance- is no fun. So please don't be suspicious or angry with the roommate here.

    Unlike what your mother said, bringing a plus one to weddings happens all the time. You shouldn't even worry about what other wedding guests would think- that's just silly and paranoid.

    For your other points:

    2. There's a change in dynamic. She may be a really close friend of his that all of a sudden, he's hanging out with you more than he is with her. It's not very clear if she has feelings for him or not. For the record, this is one of the reasons why it is not a good idea to have a roommate of the opposite sex because it makes dating complicated.

    3. Not an appropriate thing to do when you are in a relationship with somebody else.

    4. This one is understandable.

    5. I have people call me by my first name. Not a big deal here.

    6. Um yea... She has to find a roommate to cover his space if she doesn't want to move out of her apartment. Not a very easy thing to do- I'd be stressed too if a friend told me they were planning to move out next year when I want to lease the apartment again for another year.
    Honestly for you, I would see this as a good thing that he wants his own space. Let her get pissed- that's her deal.


    You don't have enough evidence her to claim that your boyfriend might be cheating on you with his roommate. Don't make this a mole hole out of a mountain.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Doc Blaze's Avatar
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    we've talked 3 times about how I do NOT believe in friendships between a guy and girl.


    i dont understand, you know the guy has female friends

    to be honest i wouldnt date someone who tells me from day one that they do not believe in opposite sex friendships


    you have a right to what you want in a relationship but in this situation, you are just dating..no title like you said and i think you
    are setting yourself up for failure, i think you are jumping to conclusion way too soon.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's only been a mo. and a few dates. He's already invited his roommate who he is obviously very close to, he can't just uninvite her.

    Take it slow and see how it goes. Do you think he's a bit of a player?
    Originally Posted by electricorchid
    it's been a month now and although I'm in no rush, the next conversation id like to have with him is if we're official?

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Ms Darcy's Avatar
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    I agree with the others. Talking three times about how you don't believe in friendships between men and women? That sounds like a not so subtle effort to make him change. And I don't think that's fair. You knew he had female friends and a female roommate from jump.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by electricorchid
    SIDE NOTE: we've talked 3 times about how I do NOT believe in friendships between a guy and girl. Sure there are exceptions but it is very rare.. and he's told me stories about how he's usually the one that his girlfriends fall for but he had no idea.. etc. and that I have nothing to worry about.. But this is scary. I feel like this isn't fair and When Im personally interested in someone I don't hang out with my ex's, I don't linger around with other guy friends... etc. I want to invest more of my time into this one person that I'm into. I just don't know what to do at this point
    This bolded sentence above contradicts itself. If he is telling you that his girlfriends usually fall for him, then how is it possible that he never knows? If something happens over and over again, and you don't WANT it to happen, you change your behavior. Doesn't sound like he's planning to change his behavior any time soon, so YES, you do have that to worry about. Another thought--since you're not officially bf/gf, do you think maybe he considers you to be one of these girlfriends who inexplicably fall for him?

    The bottom line is, you are the boss of what makes you comfortable or uncomfortable. It's up to you to defend yourself there. If your boyfriend doesn't respect your feelings, you will have to decide how uncomfortable you are willing to get for the sake of the relationship. You do have the option to walk away, and that may be your best bet.

    It does seem like the boundaries between him and his roommate are a little bit blurred. Is this something that you really want to get into?


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