Online Dating Descripton Sets Off Red Flags For Me, But Maybe Not for Others?

I have someone who has been giving me attention with Online Dating (yes, I thought I'd give it a gentle go. Dip my toe in the water even though I was against OLD). He is not really my type... on the short side, bald, not particularly dashing. However, I am interested (we seem to have a lot of commonality and mutual interests) and I want to whole heartedly respond, but his written description of himself is bugging me. Maybe I'm just overly cautious because of my personal past experiences, I'm not certain. But the description is averting me enough not to engage with him as much as I would like. So, I thought, why not post it on here and see if anyone gets the same spidey vibe I do:

" Okay... this is the part that I do not like much, describing a little about myself. I would say that I'm a laid back person who tends to be on the shy side until I get to know people. I believe that I have a lot to offer the right person and will not settle in a relationship just to have someone in my life. I can and will compromise in the relationship.

I do not like the bar scene that much anymore, but will go from time to time. Not a very big drinker, maybe a Makers Mark and coke every now and then. I could go on and on here I'm sure, but some things are best learned in an actual conversation, not read in a description of ones self, plus if I told you everything here what fun would it be to take a walk in the park or have a Sunday afternoon brunch and not have a word to say?

What I'm looking for in a woman... well I want a woman who is kind, sincere and honest/trustworthy. I want to find that someone who compliments my life, who I cannot stand to be away from for more than a few days at a time (everyone needs some space every now and then), someone that when I walk into a crowded room she is the first person I look for. Someone who will support me in my life's ups/downs and adventures just as I will support hers."

So what do you think? Or am I just being weird and paranoid?

I don't see anything wrong with it personally. I think he is being upfront with his intentions by saying he won't settle just to have somebody in his life. What is your instincts telling you about what he said? If you feel something is off then he probably isn't a good match.

Lisa

what fun would it be to take a walk in the park or have a Sunday afternoon brunch and not have a word to say?

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nothing in that sets off red flags for me....in fact it would be someone i would like to get to know since he sounds a lot like me....

I would like to know why that description bugs you, or what specifically bugs you about it. It seems perfectly fine to me, you get a feeling that he is shy but kind, and he states exactly what he is looking for. Not sure what is wrong with it?

I wouldn't respond to it, but that's because this would make me run - "who I cannot stand to be away from for more than a few days at a time." That's just...no.no.no. for me. I need my independence and already did my time with people like that, didn't like it, don't put up with it. Married a man who feels the same way, we have our own lives, our own homes, run our lives the way we did before marriage and meet in the middle. And do not need to be in each other's back pockets and I am grateful for that every single day. He's probably the only guy out there in the universe I would ever have agreed to marry, frankly.

Bottom line if it seems red flag-y to you though then don't proceed. You are your own best judge of what would catch your attention or be a no for you, regardless of what others think.

I have someone who has been giving me attention with Online Dating (yes, I thought I'd give it a gentle go. Dip my toe in the water even though I was against OLD). He is not really my type... on the short side, bald, not particularly dashing. However, I am interested (we seem to have a lot of commonality and mutual interests) and I want to whole heartedly respond, but his written description of himself is bugging me. Maybe I'm just overly cautious because of my personal past experiences, I'm not certain. But the description is averting me enough not to engage with him as much as I would like. So, I thought, why not post it on here and see if anyone gets the same spidey vibe I do:

 

" Okay... this is the part that I do not like much, describing a little about myself. I would say that I'm a laid back person who tends to be on the shy side until I get to know people. I believe that I have a lot to offer the right person and will not settle in a relationship just to have someone in my life. I can and will compromise in the relationship.

 

I do not like the bar scene that much anymore, but will go from time to time. Not a very big drinker, maybe a Makers Mark and coke every now and then. I could go on and on here I'm sure, but some things are best learned in an actual conversation, not read in a description of ones self, plus if I told you everything here what fun would it be to take a walk in the park or have a Sunday afternoon brunch and not have a word to say?

 

What I'm looking for in a woman... well I want a woman who is kind, sincere and honest/trustworthy. I want to find that someone who compliments my life, who I cannot stand to be away from for more than a few days at a time (everyone needs some space every now and then), someone that when I walk into a crowded room she is the first person I look for. Someone who will support me in my life's ups/downs and adventures just as I will support hers."

 

So what do you think? Or am I just being weird and paranoid?

Nothing wrong with the first paragraph.

Seems that he may have had an issue with drinking in the second.

The third paragraph sets off red flags. "Sincere and honest/trustworthy" these things are a given. Either he has trust issues or is untrustworthy.

Here too. . .what part bothers you?

It's pretty generic and unoriginal. But a lot of them are.

(I wouldn't respond only because he wouldn't be my type)

You guys already picked the two things. There were three. The walk in the park/brunch (trying to hard), what Paris pointed out (emotional unavailability and/or codependency), and the drink now and again (alcoholic and/or alcoholic tendencies and/or paranoid about people who drink).

I know I'm being picky. But I think I sort of deserve to be.

Oh never mind.... Holly picked the 3rd LOL!

I feel like there is way too much assuming and analyzing going on here. I agree it's a pretty generic description, which is fine to me. It's meant to be an opener and he clearly states he doesn't like writing about himself.

Stating that he doesn't like the bar scene and stating his personal drink of choice doesn't equate to having a drinking problem to me, not sure where that's coming from. I also don't see issues with codependency, he wants a woman that he will miss if he is going to be away from her, why is that a bad thing? He adds the caveat that he understands everyone needs space. In my opinion, it sounds like he's looking for a good woman to settle down with, but his writing isn't very good at conveying it so he used generic phrases to describe it.

The third paragraph sets off red flags. "Sincere and honest/trustworthy" these things are a given. Either he has trust issues or is untrustworthy.

Good point! But we've all been hurt in the past so I can give him the benefit of the doubt there.

I can always converse with him and probe deeper. Who knows? Can't always judge a book by this cover I guess. If nothing else, could lead to a friendship.

Blandness aside, I gotta be kinda nit picky to find something terribly wrong with what he written.

"Shy until you get to know me" might be a disclaimer to cover his ass if and likely when he sucks at initiating and carrying conversation. Maybe he's a nervous date.

"I can and will compromise" would tip me off that maybe they are in fact the type to settle and try to negotiate issues rather than find a better fit.

"Support me in my life's up/downs" could just be a general statement or he could be a bit more drama prone.

"Can't stand being away from more than a few days at a time" would not work for me. There are times I'm gone for a couple weeks to a month.

Really, these interpretations are most likely hyperbolic, but whenever someone mentions particular things when setting a first impression, I always wonder "why?"

OLD is set up in such a convenient way so that you don't have to think so much. If someone doesn't sound right to you, there doesn't need to be a logical reason behind it. Just move onto the next profile.

When I read it I sense he's shy (admittedly) doesn't go out much, adverse to alcohol. I overthink it and think - boring, tv watcher.

Not fair, but that's how I read it. Add in the comment about alone time. That's a given, but if you need to put it writing it's almost feels

as if he is being forewarning.

You dont really know.. until you meet them.

I got involved with a male with bipolar and that was something he never mentioned. He also lied about a few things on his profile.

If he seems like a decent guy after you meet.. then there's things to consider.

I can usually tell within 2 weeks to a month whether we're connecting or if he's my type. ( But I am no longer interacting with those on these sites... way too many questionable issue's).

OLD is set up in such a convenient way so that you don't have to think so much. If someone doesn't sound right to you, there doesn't need to be a logical reason behind it. Just move onto the next profile.

Gotta agree with this. This is both the beauty and ugly of online dating. You can just keep clicking and swiping if there's any one thing that bugs you. But this also, I think, makes it harder to actually establish anything with anyone.

I thought the poor guy's profile was fine, for the most part.

Meet for coffee. Not a big investment and you can see what's up. At the very least it will be entertaining to compare this profile to real life.

I am interested (we seem to have a lot of commonality and mutual interests)

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His speech sounds rather generic to me, it's hard to know just what to say when you want to put your best foot forward. I didnt see any red flags. Meet for coffee, see how it goes.

Personally nothing about this bothers me. I'm pretty independent and need my alone time, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be missed and greeted warmly when we see each other again. The mention of alcohol and bars isn't a flag for me. I think "not into the bar scene" is frequently mentioned on OLD as a sort of a covert way of saying "I don't seem to meet people easily in real life so that's why I'm here doing this pathetic thing called online dating." I can identify with that, so it doesn't bother me. Also, if he had a personal issue with alcohol, then he wouldn't mention having an occasional MM&coke. Recovering alcoholics don't drink anything ever.

I think you're being awfully hard on the guy. He is who he is, and he seems pretty upfront about that and about what he's looking for. You also mention being underwhelmed by his physical appearance, and that he's not your type which is apparently tall and dashing with a thick head of hair. As others have said, if this guy doesn't move you in some way, that's fine. Keep scrolling. If you're somewhat intrigued, then plan a coffee date. But if you don't feel able to meet him with an open mind, and truly give him a fair chance, then I wouldn't waste your time, or his.

I think you are asking way to much of a online profile. Not every guy can write the perfect paragraph that makes your heart pound or eases your fears from past bad situations.

This is what I read:

He is somewhat shy until he feels comfortable around you.

He doesn't like the bar scene but does go out once in a while.

He doesn't regularly drink but will have one socially.

He wants the kind of connection where he wants to be with the person he cares about but also understands time apart is healthy.

He doesn't want a selfish, flaky person in his life he cannot trust.

Meet for tea and see what happens. Far to many good ones get passed by because a wrong word here or there. Remember the smooth player types know just what to say and how to say it so you let your guard down and get fooled by them...

Lost

I think Brienoch hit the nail on the head. Way too much over thinking and pickiness.

Pardon me for saying, but most of us are not incredibly great writers. Any decent editor or critic could pick apart anything any of us wrote. OP if you posted your profile, someone will find a flag in it. That's the nature of preferences and interpretation.

There are definitely red flags that could be stated in a profile, but that's not here.

You guys already picked the two things. There were three. The walk in the park/brunch (trying to hard), what Paris pointed out (emotional unavailability and/or codependency), and the drink now and again (alcoholic and/or alcoholic tendencies and/or paranoid about people who drink).

 

I don't think PP was talking about emotional unavailability.

More like excessive neediness and yeah maybe co-dependency.

Would turn me off too big time!

You guys already picked the two things. There were three. The walk in the park/brunch (trying to hard), what Paris pointed out (emotional unavailability and/or codependency), and the drink now and again (alcoholic and/or alcoholic tendencies and/or paranoid about people who drink).

 

I know I'm being picky. But I think I sort of deserve to be.

I think you're digging way too deep.

Other than being a bit bland, I don't see any wrong with his profile. I'm wondering if this guy was tall, dashing and had a full head of hair, would you be picking apart his profile, lookig for red flags like you are with this guy?

Speaking from my own experiences, you absolutely don't know much until you actually meet someone in person or at least talk over the phone. Also, I'd not look at OLD as finding that one perfect profile, putting all you focus on that one person and THEN meeting them. If you have a feeling that the person *could* be a good fit, I'd move to meet them sooner than later. And if after you meet them and you feel no connection or potential, then move on.

Great point

I'm wondering if this guy was tall, dashing and had a full head of hair, would you be picking apart his profile, lookig for red flags like you are with this guy?

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