Relationship Trauma - Dealing with Extreme Projection

Hi

My story is complicated so I will try and keep it as high level as possible. I've been married to my wife for a good 4 years. It was a solid, wholesome relationship filled with love, dreams and hope. She did confide to me in the beginning that she had experienced sexual abuse as a child by her mother's boyfriends and her father between the ages of 6 and 11. Her mother also abandoned her in her teen years (she lived with friends). Our intimacy was amazing in the beginning and we have a beautiful child together. My wife has the kindest heart and she has loved me like no other and vice versa. I've put my heart and soul into this relationship too like never before. It was like a dream come true. Yes we had normal marital problems and none of us are perfect but that's life right?

6 months ago she become less interested in intimacy and then 3 months ago she had a "breakdown" after consuming some alcohol. She was having nightmares about the abuse and was having anxiety attacks. Trauma had obviously resurfaced and had been triggered along the way to the point of breakdown. I'm not sure what the triggers were but it could be a whole range of things. She then agreed to go to counselling however through the process her behaviour changed, somewhat to that of a person having an affair (happy and content, secretive) while completely cutting me out. I wanted to know what was going on.

After many days of prompting she told me she no longer loves me and is no longer interested in me. This is something I never expected coming from her. It was a complete shock. The amount of hate and anger she has towards me is both bizarre and confusing. The level of hate she has for me is huge. The list of things she gives as reasons for wanting a divorce now seem completely blown out of proportion and without merit. For instance saying that I was not there to support her however I've been there every step of the way in every way. Citing that I'm a bad father yet prior to her breakdown I was the greatest father. Saying that she found someone else sexually attractive while not finding me that way anymore. Making up a story she slept with someone else, convinced me then retracted and got angry at me for believing it. Saying that I do nothing to help yet 80% of the time I help out with domestic chores. There are many other examples but they are so out of the water that I'm too embarrassed to list them here. When she is in my space it is as if I don't recognise her anymore. It's as if she has changed into this monster. Yet when she is around our child or her friends or when she is talking to people on the phone she is exactly who she was before. The most loving, caring person that I know.

I'm so confused and hurt. I never thought this beautiful soul would ever speak these words about me, to me and to other people. I love her so much and have spoken to my own counseller who recommends we get her into a programme for sexual abuse to do a holistic approach, (therapy, group stuff, meds, psychiatry etc). I've arranged such a programme however she will not go. It made it even worse that I suggested it. As far as she is concerned the 4 counselling sessions she's gone to are sufficient and she's happy to go on with her life. This is from someone who thought the world of me 4 months ago.

No matter how I approach her, whether I am kind and soft toned (to her that is shouting) or if I leave her alone (she says I abandon her), no matter how much I pour out my heart, she feels nothing. I know my wife and this is not her. Is it projection in an extreme version?

How do I get her the help she needs when she sees me as the enemy?

I can't even count on her family or friends as she has painted me black already. The people that know me are the only ones who support me.

Is there a way to deflect the projection or divert it?

How can I get through to her? Are there any techniques?

Can anyone give me some guidance. I feel like I've lost her already and I'm desperate.

I want my wife back.

This sounds like a bad situation. And she sounds like she doesnt really know what she wants, its tough. Breakdowns are a landmine area, I had two quite quickly together and my partner found it hard to handle me but we managed to pull through it in the end but it was a long drawn out process.

You cant make someone get help, especially if she thinks there is nothing wrong with her. And by you arranging counselling is making things worse, not that you have bad in intentions, its just that she feels she is ok and doesnt need help.

I dont get the bit where she made up the story about the affair or finding other people attractive. is there truth to it, like its a bit of a strange thing to make up, then retract, then get angry when you confront it.

Abuse victims can be hard people to be in relationships with, sadly, I was in a relationship with someone who was abused and it didnt end well. This is a very hard situation for you to be in.

the only thing I can say is, you have to decide what it is you want to do here, I would suggest trying a few different approaches but it will be a hard road, you can try get some help for yourself to help you cope with living in this situation. But you may have to also face the fact that it could be best to move on with your life without her, that is also a hard thing to come to terms with.

I just know that after my relationship, I was exhausted, had two breakdowns and it took a long time to get myself back together

And you just have to remember if someone doesnt want help you cant make them get it.

It sounds like some things were revealed and discussed in therapy. She came back with quite a list of complaints. Has she moved out or filed for divorce yet?

She then agreed to go to counselling .saying that I was not there to support her.I'm a bad father.

It sounds like some things were revealed and discussed in therapy. She came back with quite a list of complaints. Has she moved out or filed for divorce yet?

She has not moved out but has made up her mind that are having a divorce.

I certainly wouldn't give up quite yet. I suspect she may resent you in some aspects because you suggested counselling? My ex wouldn't understand some difficult things i previously went through and when i suggested to him that i speak to someone, it was as if i was betraying him(he turned out to be controlling) so it was the opposite but i've had people suggest counselling before for a very specific thing and i, personally, didn't want to talk it out with a stranger, you always worry about being judged etc, sometimes you just want to speak to that person and to be told to see someone can hurt. I now realise it's probably the best thing you can do. It can really sort things out in your head. It is interesting that she seems to be "making up" this affair. She is turning on you because she feels she has done you wrong, i am assuming this affair did indeed happen? and say it did, her guilt is causing her to lash out, otherwise, the only logical explanation is that she made it up so that you would end up resenting her for the alledged affair and would have a reason to leave, therefore, she would avoid, in a way, taking on the responsibility of splitting up the marriage(well, of being the one to suggest a divorce). It's kind of like acting out as much as you can so that the other person gets so frustrated, they leave and then that other person can say "well, hey, i told you they didn't love me"...

It's a hard one, you love her and want to help. It does seem like instead of wanting to take blame and/or responsibility for certain things(certainly not all as we are all to blame and i hope you have taken on board any complaints, denial is of no use in this situation) she is instead dumping it all on you. I had previous controlling boyfriends who would physically and mentally abuse me. To the point i was choked and was called all the names under the sun. They wouldn't acknowledge any wrong doing. What usually happened is that they projected their own insecurities onto me. It's hard to explain but obviously you are already aware that this seems to be going on, it's not like you're in the dark. If i had suggested that it was their fault, i would get it, either physically or i'd be cut off or shouted at.

Everyone handles abuse differently. Some people throw it into the abyss and hope it fades, other people are tormented by it..some people are intermittedly reminded of it. I think it's hard for anyone who hasnt experienced it to really grasp the effect it has on an individual, especially considering the fact we all handle things differently.

Definite sit down is needed. No blame. No accusations. I really wouldn't want to be in your situation. I think someone else will be able to throw in much better advice as i really don't feel that i can offer very much. The only thing i can suggest is take the load off as much as you can, in terms of chores, your child, any stresses etc in the meantime but i know you feel like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place right now and are trying your best. I really wish you the best of luck!

Does she have a drinking problem? Did she actually cheat or is someone on the horizon? Have you ever addressed her complaints?

She has not moved out but has made up her mind that are having a divorce.

Does she have a drinking problem? Did she actually cheat or is someone on the horizon? Have you ever addressed her complaints?

Hi, she rarely drinks. Occasionally will have a glass of wine, maybe once every two weeks. I tried to address her complaints. Most of the complaints relate to how I reacted in certain situations, like when she was feeling depressed, if I tried to help or motivate or encourage she would say it wasn't enough. She would say she would be motivated for an hour and then go back into depression. I tried hard for many months, sometimes I gave her space, but that was also a complaint. When I initially used to suggest therapy or some outside help she would get angry and say she's not depressed. So no matter which direction I took it wasn't good enough. Other complaints would be that I didn't help her with her problems, but I'm paying off a $15 000 debt related to a property she inherited (estate duty shortfall), I pay what I can towards her other stuff but I only have so much resources - usually debt that was made through her bad choices (buying things of low priority while ignoring the high priority stuff). However I always had a plan and all she had to do was be patient. I am not without fault, when the intimacy started to fade I would get confused and frustrated and wondered if it was me, but she always said I must never take it personal, but I always had this gut feeling, so I would bring it up now and again and that annoyed her and made her more angry and resentful. I guess I should have been more patient too, but hey, gut feelings don't go away and they follow you everywhere.

I think it will be useful to provide a little detail after she had that breakdown. Her behaviour changed a lot that I thought she was cheating. At first she seemed very content and happy and listening to music on the earphones all day. Listening to the music and smiling and singing along. She never did this before. Walking around the house doing work and working on laptop. Keep in mind this is after she tells me she doesnt love me anymore. So this behaviour seemed odd. Surely this would be a hard time for her too? That gut feeling was still there. She then cut me out from everything. Nice to everyone else except me. It's like this didn't affect her at all. So here I am broken, and she's like carrying on all happy and content. Then when I approached her to ask her what's going on she became more secretive. So I started to snoop around. I occasionally checked her phone. I noticed that all her apps were always logged in except Snapchat. Snapchat never used to be logged out. So when I just ran it by her one day she said it's because Snapchat drains the battery. That didn't make sense to me. That's when I knew she was hiding something. I don't feel good about doing that, but I wasn't getting anywhere by talking to her.

Anyway, after a week or so we were driving and I asked her to be straight with me. I said we have a child together and 4 years of amazing marriage, so just clean the slate and tell me. She responded by saying that I'm the kind of person who would take it out on my son. First of all, I would never hurt my child so that was a shocker. But what was more telling is that she said that. Why say that if you have nothing to hide. That's when I suspected there must be something that she probably has to say. Later that night I sat next to her on the porch and we talked person to person and I asked her to be honest. That's when she told me about that story where she slept with someone when she visited her mother for a week (when I was studying for my post grad exams) - the story she retracted later on and got angry at me believing it. Later on she admitted she was sexually attracted to the neighbours boyfriend. She said "was", but is no longer. This is after she tells me the reason why she can no longer be intimate with me is because she has this trauma (which I believe) yet she was attracted to someone else. Hence my initial confusion. She also admitted the next day that she was having an "emotional" interaction with another guy (who she knows from a company she went on courses on) on Snapchat and that's the reason why she logged out all the time. Thereafter she locked her phone. About a week later she said this wasn't happening anymore.

Then about 3 weeks ago she said she wants to try and make this work (between us). We were going to her mother for the weekend a few days later. So one day we went to a store and I thought she was buying herself something but she actually bought me a gift. She bought me a few gifts on those days. She was also loving (putting hand on my lap while we drive), kissing me goodbye, holding hands in the shop. Would send me hearts on Whatsapp. Just as she was before this all went down. When we were at her mother on the weekend it was okay and we were playful around each other. Then when I tried to kiss her on the Saturday night and I felt I wanted to get initimate she said no and then I retreated. So I went to go sit somewhere to have a smoke and then she looked at me and said she can't do this anymore (apparently because I was licking my wounds). I don't know if she was being nice to me just so we could get to her mother on the weekend (she stays about 150 km away).

A few other things to mention. She mentioned once or twice that the neighbour is in love with me. Highly unlikely. During this period she has said a few times I must go and get my sexual fix with the neighbour. These are hurtful and shocking words for me to hear coming from her. Then later it turned into her saying that I'm in love with the neighbour. Also very untrue. The most I say to the neighbour is hi and bye. It's like she keeps on finding ways to push me away and paint me in a bad light. Yet my wife is big friends with the neighbour.

Then to add to the twist, I overheard her telling the neighbour that she wishes her husband (me) would find someone much better because he (me) deserves so much. So on the one hand, I'm smeared amongst all her friends for being this monster but on the other hand she hopes I can find someone because I deserve so much better. Nothing makes sense here.

Just a few months ago we were so close and now this?

I'm at home now, but I can see her, she's working on her laptop while watching a movie. She's laughing, she's smiling, she seems very happy and content. And here I am broken and it doesn't affect her in any way. I've attempted over the past two weeks to talk to her. I've poured my heart out. I've said things that only angels would deserve to hear. But it doesn't impact her in any way. I may as well be talking to a dead person. This is where we are now.

I certainly wouldn't give up quite yet. I suspect she may resent you in some aspects because you suggested counselling? My ex wouldn't understand some difficult things i previously went through and when i suggested to him that i speak to someone, it was as if i was betraying him(he turned out to be controlling) so it was the opposite but i've had people suggest counselling before for a very specific thing and i, personally, didn't want to talk it out with a stranger, you always worry about being judged etc, sometimes you just want to speak to that person and to be told to see someone can hurt. I now realise it's probably the best thing you can do. It can really sort things out in your head. It is interesting that she seems to be "making up" this affair. She is turning on you because she feels she has done you wrong, i am assuming this affair did indeed happen? and say it did, her guilt is causing her to lash out, otherwise, the only logical explanation is that she made it up so that you would end up resenting her for the alledged affair and would have a reason to leave, therefore, she would avoid, in a way, taking on the responsibility of splitting up the marriage(well, of being the one to suggest a divorce). It's kind of like acting out as much as you can so that the other person gets so frustrated, they leave and then that other person can say "well, hey, i told you they didn't love me"...

 

It's a hard one, you love her and want to help. It does seem like instead of wanting to take blame and/or responsibility for certain things(certainly not all as we are all to blame and i hope you have taken on board any complaints, denial is of no use in this situation) she is instead dumping it all on you. I had previous controlling boyfriends who would physically and mentally abuse me. To the point i was choked and was called all the names under the sun. They wouldn't acknowledge any wrong doing. What usually happened is that they projected their own insecurities onto me. It's hard to explain but obviously you are already aware that this seems to be going on, it's not like you're in the dark. If i had suggested that it was their fault, i would get it, either physically or i'd be cut off or shouted at.

 

Everyone handles abuse differently. Some people throw it into the abyss and hope it fades, other people are tormented by it..some people are intermittedly reminded of it. I think it's hard for anyone who hasnt experienced it to really grasp the effect it has on an individual, especially considering the fact we all handle things differently.

 

Definite sit down is needed. No blame. No accusations. I really wouldn't want to be in your situation. I think someone else will be able to throw in much better advice as i really don't feel that i can offer very much. The only thing i can suggest is take the load off as much as you can, in terms of chores, your child, any stresses etc in the meantime but i know you feel like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place right now and are trying your best. I really wish you the best of luck!

Thank you for the kind words. And for the encouragement. I still have hope because I believe this is primarily related to the past trauma. If she can just get the right help.

So she hasn't moved out or filed for divorce, but just seems ecstatic that she's made the decision to leave/divorce?

I'm at home now, but I can see her, she's working on her laptop while watching a movie. She's laughing, she's smiling, she seems very happy and content.

So she hasn't moved out or filed for divorce, but just seems ecstatic that she's made the decision to leave/divorce?

Yes that's right. Says she can't leave because she has no where to go. But she does has options to go to her mother or her friends. I wouldn't want her to go though because then she would take our son. I'd prefer my son stay here.

Hi

I would like to give an update.

Nothing has changed in the last week or so. She has still been projecting onto me, looking at me in disgust.

On Thursday I managed to find out she was still carrying on with her "emotional" affair. I received an anonymous sms from a "friend". Who? I have no idea.

When I approached her about it she kept on denying it. I know who the person is and said I was going to text them to back off. She said it wasn't him. I texted him anyway and told him to back off from my family. He responded by saying I must have the wrong number.

Later that night she lost it. She hit me several times for about 3 minutes in a rage. I just stood there and let her hit me everywhere. I have marks all over my body. She then took a knife and came for me. I had to lock myself in the bathroom. She stood by the door and spoke as if she was possessed. She would have killed me if I was on the other side. She was speaking about things that didn't make sense. It was like a psychotic episode. I don't know the terms that's the only way I can explain it. I waited for her to retreat and came out. She was then very quite. She just sat in the lounge in a zone. I went to her and held her for a long time and told her I love her. I know she needs help and all I could was just hold her. She didn't say anything.

We went to sleep and the next morning she seemed very calm and neutral. She then left to her mother and said she will be back after two weeks.

I noticed the next day that the guy she was "involved" with was no longer on her facebook. I also noticed that I couldn't find him through a search. He wasn't on my friends list but he blocked me. Looks like he blocked us both.

I know what some people may think of this situation and why would I continue to stay in this relationship. I know my wife. This is not her. She is the victim here. My theory is that something snapped in her after her child abuse trauma surfaced. I witnessed it. It happened overnight. She then projected all that hurt and anger and pain from many many years onto me. She then became vulnerable. I believe she is seriously at risk and I won't abandon my wife. I will be here until she can helped. Yes the damage is done, but I love her and the woman I married would never do this to me.

The only thing I have to add is to document everything the best you can with dates, timelines and keep track.

It's good you're seeing your own therapist. What is their recommendation to you based on her saying she would not go into a program to get help?

And I'm sorry you're having to go through this. How old is your son?

I don't have anything to add to what everyone else has said already... just sending you a hug and hope things come right for you both X

The only thing I have to add is to document everything the best you can with dates, timelines and keep track.

 

It's good you're seeing your own therapist. What is their recommendation to you based on her saying she would not go into a program to get help?

I don't have a log but I need to put everything down yes. You are right.

My therapist tells me that she needs to get help asap but unfortunately we cannot force her. We have to be patient for her to realise it herself. His advise is that I have to look after myself during this process.

My fear is that it will take a very long time. Weeks, months, years? My feeling is that she is going to have another breakdown while she is away. The reason I say this is because her mother and her mother's boyfriend are alcoholics and they may end up fighting (as they usually do) or she may end up fighting her with her mother. She will feel unsafe. But I won't be around. So perhaps she will realise that the anger and pain she has is still with her, because I won't be around to project it onto. That may trigger something. I'm hoping she will call me and ask me to take her to the programme.

I don't have anything to add to what everyone else has said already... just sending you a hug and hope things come right for you both X

Thank you that means a lot.

My son just turned three years old.

I don't have anything to add to what everyone else has said already... just sending you a hug and hope things come right for you both X

Thank you that means a lot to me.

Thank you that means a lot to me.

And one for your son too.... 3 is a lovely age!

I don't have a log but I need to put everything down yes. You are right.

 

My therapist tells me that she needs to get help asap but unfortunately we cannot force her. We have to be patient for her to realise it herself. His advise is that I have to look after myself during this process.

 

My fear is that it will take a very long time. Weeks, months, years? My feeling is that she is going to have another breakdown while she is away. The reason I say this is because her mother and her mother's boyfriend are alcoholics and they may end up fighting (as they usually do) or she may end up fighting her with her mother. She will feel unsafe. But I won't be around. So perhaps she will realise that the anger and pain she has is still with her, because I won't be around to project it onto. That may trigger something. I'm hoping she will call me and ask me to take her to the programme.

Hoping for your and son's sake she realizes sooner than later. I'm assuming she takes your son with her when she goes to Mom's or does he stay with you?

Hoping for your and son's sake she realizes sooner than later. I'm assuming she takes your son with her when she goes to Mom's or does he stay with you?

Yes she takes him with. Unfortunately she left when I was at work already and only informed me later.

Has she ever been to a doctor or gotten evaluated for this? Does she drink or do drugs?

she hit me several times for about 3 minutes in a rage. I just stood there and let her hit me everywhere. I have marks all over my body. She then took a knife and came for me. I had to lock myself in the bathroom. She stood by the door and spoke as if she was possessed. She would have killed me if I was on the other side. She was speaking about things that didn't make sense. It was like a psychotic episode.

Has she ever been to a doctor or gotten evaluated for this? Does she drink or do drugs?

She doesnt do drugs. Only occasionally has a drink.

She has had a 6 sessions with her psychologist and according to my wife the psychologist says she doesn't need to go for further help. My own psychologist has a different view and is concerned and says she must get the help.

Either my wife has been very good at deceiving the psychologist or the psychologist doesn't understand the full extent of the problem. Or perhaps my wife fell in love with someone else. Maybe a combination of everything. Who know's what to believe anymore. Either way, if you try and kill someone and then "sing talk" at the door while scraping the knife against the door - to me that looks like a serious problem that needs psychiatric help.

I'm not in a good place right now. I even started to believe the things my wife says about me. I know the things she says are not true. My family and close friends keep reminding me of who I am and that I shouldn't allow her words to affect me. But this has broken me so much. I know I must get myself together.

What I feel in my heart is that what I really want to do is fetch her and my son and take my wife to the hospital to go on that trauma programme so she can get the proper treatment. However legally I don't have a right to do that. So I just have to accept that I can't do anything.

I just wanted to thank everyone on this forum for all your support.