What would you do?LTR Moving in question

My boyfriend and I have been together a bit over 18 months and it's a Great, healthy relationship and we talk about a future together.

We currently do not live together. I own my apartment and live on my own the last 15 years and he owns his and lives with family members who will soon be moving out...

He recently talked to me about the idea of me moving to his place when his family moves out... he'd like to see how things are when we live together, and it's important if we are going to move forward to see how it goes.

Here's my dilemmas and concerns, a few things actually- we've been dating a while and are in our late 30s. Why should we have to live together for a while (in his mind a year) before he is "sure" he wants to move forward. I do want a commitment in this fashion, but moving in together as a next step seems like more purgatory..

I don't really like his house- I don't sleep well there, streets are very loud, I've never felt more than a visitor there, and it's far from amenities I enjoy where I live... I feel like his idea is because it's convenient for him, and I understand for sure.

Lastly, I have a cat and he's allergic, so he can't move in with me, and he will want me to figure out what I can do with her if/when we move in together. She's my pet, for 10 years, that's a weird thing to even consider!

I'm not sure what to do or how to feel right now ... he tells me living with someone is what he needs. This is the first time he's brought this up.

Sure I'd like to live with him of course, but I envisioned moving in together to a new place for both of us.

I've wanted something 'commital' from him for a while but I didn't think I'd feel like this when he finally asked...

Does he own his place or rent it? You say you own your apt., so would you be selling it? I think selling it would be a bad move if it didnt work out moving in with your bf. Also, having to get rid of your cat? That could be a deal breaker, it would be, for me.

You dont sound sold on the idea so please dont let yourself get pushed into doing something you dont want to do.

He owns his as well. I would rent mine out, not sell.

I'm not sold on this idea at all..this just happened an hour ago so the wheels are turning in my head. Finally I get a good commitment sign, but I feel kinda crappy about it, and have started making a list of pros and cons

Hey Kute, Good to see you around.

I'm glad you are working with a healthy relationship. The key here will be ongoing communication between the two of you.

A couple of things I wonder. I wonder what "living with someone is what he needs" means. Because I cannot help but wonder if he's interested on living with you now that his family is moving. As in, he just does not want to be alone.

Two, why couldn't he rent his place out and just live with you (potentially)?

You both need to keep thinking about this. You might even want to do a "pro" and "con" list. Pro - living together. Con - you giving away your cat. And so on.

Well... I would think twice about giving ALL of what you've got, up.. for him.

Your cat.. your apt..

I feel he is not thinking in the right sense...as mentioned..'living with someone is what he needs'....?

Since you do not sound too positive about this.. I suggest you admit to him you'll think on it. Do you really think you should consider giving up your pet, for a man?

If anything.. maybe in time (a few more months) see IF he starts to change, should you admit you''ll think on it..If he does, then that'd tell you for sure whether he's actually truly wanting this and you.. or h's just acting out in desperation.

IF he is actually into you... he'll remain and keep working with you on the relationship.

Things can always be reconsidered. ( finding another place to move to & share... not that place, etc).

Think on it..

Well... I would think twice about giving ALL of what you've got, up.. for him.

 

Your cat.. your apt..

 

I feel he is not thinking in the right sense...as mentioned..'living with someone is what he needs'....?

 

Since you do not sound too positive about this.. I suggest you admit to him you'll think on it. Do you really think you should consider giving up your pet, for a man?

 

If anything.. maybe in time (a few more months) see IF he starts to change, should you admit you''ll think on it..If he does, then that'd tell you for sure whether he's actually truly wanting this and you.. or h's just acting out in desperation.

 

IF he is actually into you... he'll remain and keep working with you on the relationship.

Things can always be reconsidered. ( finding another place to move to & share... not that place, etc).

 

Think on it..

Yes, when he presented this to me, he said it's just an idea... and expressed some benefits of this choice (i.e: we get to see each other more, it will help me pay down my mortgage since his iis paid off, etc) ... I already thanked him for presenting this idea to me, and I'd think about it, but I immediately said that if we move together, I want it to be our house, not the house I live in with my memories, and not his with his and his family's memories.

I've already put some thought into it and I don't think it's the right choice for me - there's already more cons than pros, from a personal standpoint... yes, I'd like to see him more, but I don't like his neighborhood, I can't walk anywhere and currently I live in a neighborhood that I can walk or bike to everything, its loud and I can't sleep,... it's not a decision I have to make immediately, but it's put me in a weird mood since he presented it yesterday.

Yes, I bet. Do you feel he possibly presented this idea too early? Maybe leave all of this alone for another 6 mos or a year.. to see how all is, then?

Eventually I think you NEED to be honest with him in the facts of what you feel about his neighbourhood. You need to be happy in your Life too.

He could always fix it up and rent it out.. if you two were to be remaining serious and look at a different place?

But.. just leave it alone for now. Try not to feel pressures about all of this.

A couple of things. Agree what's up with the 'see how it goes to make sure' thing? If that's the case living together is premature. The other thing is do no fill his void or empty nest, whether that is shared expenses, chores, etc.

Don't give up your apt to live in his house. Visit there, spend weekends etc. so you can "see how it goes" It's a risky decision that would only benefit him. What if it doesn't go well? You're out on the street after paying on a house in his name?

Tell him 'seeing how it goes" is best done while retaining your own place and visiting him.

He recently talked to me about the idea of me moving to his place when his family moves out... he'd like to see how things are when we live together

It's never about houses, locations and other material possessions. It's about time and not wasting it.

Tell him you won't live with him unless married. You'll then know if you wasted a year and a half.

If he runs, you'll have just saved yourself five years of your life. (Average "live together" time wasted, I see here on ena.)

Concentrate on the 800# gorilla in the room, not the room.

I would not give up my pet for a guy I dated for 2 years. That would be a dealbreaker for me. I dumped a guy before because he said he didn't like dog and parrot (and my parrot HATED him), and didn't want to have any animals if we ever got married. Pets are family and I can't imagine my life without my dog.

Definitely vote on him getting his own place with a roommate. Him wanting to move in all because his parents are kicking him out/moving away is not a good enough reason to live together. He needs to learn to live independently first.

Lester - so true - I have had it on my mind and we've been dating 19 months and in our late 30s, it's serious and we talk about our future together, all the good stuff is there.. for him to say he needs to live together to see how we get on living together, it's just wasting time, why not propose and then go from there? Why should I change my life and all the things I love about my place and my life to move into his place because it's convenient?

Wiseman- empty nest syndrome - so true...

This is an opportunity for both of you to know if you have built a foundation for a lasting positive relationship. Life would present this challenges all the time, and you as a couple must be able to discuss, and resolve in a positive manner. If you can not manage to converse, and address each others needs on this case in a way that both feels reapected, you have no future. If you can do it, you will resist the test of time.

Why should I change my life and all the things I love about my place and my life to move into his place because it's convenient?

Convenience is just one of a hundred tricks we and others play on ourselves.

There's just too many to list, so instead, I'll give you the universal test mechanism.

1. Always say no first. No's can be easily changed into yes's. (Yes = end of thought and negotiation.)

2. Half of everything someone tells you is bs. That's normal, what's not normal is you thinking everything they say is the accurate or true.

3. Without challenge, you'll never know what's true or false.

Good luck!

Unless you are engaged, and have a date set, do not move in - just to see if you are a match? Unnecessary! Marriage is not a legal step to figuring out if you'll be great roommates. It's a commitment and a choice.

And if you don't like his place, after you get engaged/married, you both pick a new place together.

I'm allergic to cats, and currently living with one now cuz my neighbor's kid was wheezing, and mostly because my hubby really wanted one after losing his other cat two years ago.

So we've both had super busy weeks and haven't seen each other, so it has allowed me to think this over, and also chat with my therapist about it...

Even though I've weighed the Pros and cons and the cons outweigh the pros, it's more about commitment...

I don't want to move in without an engagement or a proposal at this point.

Good for you! ^

Having goals and action steps to get there, will save years of wasted life. (Spend some time reading the sad +/-5 years wasted stories here on ena.)

So time has passed a bit and we recently had the conversation again and he really wants to live together with me... he still feels the same way.. he wants to see me all the time instead of the 2-3 days a week we see each other now, he explains it's not for him only... what about me, how do I know that I can live with him and all that encompasses. He understands I want to get engaged and he absolutely does want to marry me, he reassures me on that, and I believe him.

I changed my mind about the neighborhood, I actually like it now so that's a positive thing.

Relationships are about communication and compromise right? I'm feeling like I may need to compromise and move in... but maybe put a timeframe on how long.. if we aren't engaged in a certain period, we need to reevaluate if we should continue... it's not romantic, but it's realistic...

I'm a bit anxious too that if I move in, I'll feel resentment because I'm the one compromising.. thoughts?

Oh PS- I can bring the cat, he'd figure out the allergy and deal

Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free. Stick to your guns. If you prefer to put off marriage for years and years, move in. Or if you actually want to get married, wait till you get engaged, have a date set, then move in. This way you can save for the wedding if he's indeed serious about marrying you. Sure, right now he wants access to the maid, cook, and get sex on the regular, without having to put a commitment to it. His reasons are super lame. Moving in does not cement him planning to marry you. It's convenience.

Tattoobunnie - I'm just not sure I see it that way.. We don't have to save for a wedding, we have money already and already discussed we don't need a big wedding, or need a long engagement when that time comes. I know it's convenient, but I started to think about it more - I haven't lived with someone since college (15 years ago).. what if I can't handle it?

Tattoobunnie - I'm just not sure I see it that way.. We don't have to save for a wedding, we have money already and already discussed we don't need a big wedding, or need a long engagement when that time comes. I know it's convenient, but I started to think about it more - I haven't lived with someone since college (15 years ago).. what if I can't handle it?

I think there is a fundamental difference here -he sees living together as a test/audition for marriage and you don't think it's necessary as a test. Won't you feel like you're walking on eggshells? Do you want a family and if so, how soon? The first time my husband and I officially lived together was about 3 months before we became parents. Living together without a newborn was no comparison to living together with one -had we used living together as a test it would have been an unhelpful test - totally irrelevant to what it's like to live together with a newborn/child.

Living together is a testament of nothing. You are who you are. He is who he is, and living together without a commitment is essentially that. Compromise is about what you want ro do somw Saturdays together. Compromise is not setting aside one of your life goals to please someone else.

Put it this way, if you want kids, you don't marry someone who never wants kids.

Do not settle!!!

I think there is a fundamental difference here -he sees living together as a test/audition for marriage and you don't think it's necessary as a test. Won't you feel like you're walking on eggshells? Do you want a family and if so, how soon? The first time my husband and I officially lived together was about 3 months before we became parents. Living together without a newborn was no comparison to living together with one -had we used living together as a test it would have been an unhelpful test - totally irrelevant to what it's like to live together with a newborn/child.

Thanks Batya - I don't feel like id be walking on eggshells, and if I ever felt that way, I would let him know.. I'm just starting to feel that if I don't move in, our relationship will continue to stay the same.

Thanks Batya - I don't feel like id be walking on eggshells, and if I ever felt that way, I would let him know.. I'm just starting to feel that if I don't move in, our relationship will continue to stay the same.

You have to figure out if you're ok with auditioning to be his wife (since you don't think living together like this is necessary- and also have an idea of how long before you would get engaged.

You have to figure out if you're ok with auditioning to be his wife (since you don't think living together like this is necessary- and also have an idea of how long before you would get engaged.

I understand that and typically go more towards that thought -- but he said to me "Please look at this in a positive light - we would see more of each other, we wouldn't have to wonder if we can get together that day/night, you don't have to pack a bag anymore which you hate" I'm so torn...

Read what you wrote again. That has nothing to do with commitment, and everything to do with convenience.