Unhealthy relationship patterns and commitment phobia.

Some of you have probably seen a thread I wrote a couple of days ago about commitment phobes/emotionally unavailable people. I wanted to get to the bottom of my relationship patterns and I start reading a book called Mr unavailable and the fallback girl. Somthing that the author pointed out was that you only engage with people with commitment issues if you have commitment issues yourself. It's in your subconscious mind. I was shocked I don't have commitment issues I want commitment and a relationship. WRONG! Just like the guy who has commitment issues who rushes you into a relationship because he thinks he wants one only to sabotage it when it starts to get serious I do the same thing without realising. DAMN it was so much easier when I was able to point the finger at everybody else lol

I only want men when they won't commit to me because deep down I myself fear commitment. (Mind blown). I rush into relationships to because deep down its what I really want and allow myself to be swept up by these charming manipulate guys.

Everyone wants what they can't have to a certain extent but with me it's much deeper than that it's an OBSESSION. For example my last relationship with my commitment phobic guy he was too into me. It annoyed me. I noticed myself looking for problems. I was becoming extremely annoyed with him for no reason and I didn't understand why. I'd ignore all his calls and texts because for some reason it gave me a very irritating feeling talking to him at times. I start thinking about the future and I was having doubts and even thinking about ending it.

Deep down I wanted to have some kind of fight with him for some passion. But there was nothing there to ever fight about. He was so agreeable and easy. This made me angry and then I was angry at myself for being angry for somthing so stupid. We're not fighting that should be a good thing right?

The day came that he ended it abruptly when just the day before was telling me how much he was into me, loves me ect. That was the day I told myself I was madly inlove with him. I was so attracted to him he was some God like figure nobody compared to him. The chase was on. I needed to get him back id spend way to much time plotting on how I was going to get him back. As soon as he wasn't giving me commitment anymore I wanted him. I commit to people who won't commit to me because deep down I don't want it either.

He still wanted me around he'd play games feed me crumbs to keep me around. Hint at commitment. He became so desirable to me I loved the thrill of it. I loved that he didn't want me. All of a sudden this guy who I wasn't even sure about was my soul mate. The words "I'm not ready for a relationship" was music to my ears. I contradict myself because I think I hate the games he plays but deep down I love it... I hate rejection but really I chase it. So I can't win.

This wouldn't be the first time either. A similar situation happend before when I wasn't that into the guy but he ended it and I chased him like crazy. For months and months he was all I could think about. When I think about it...this guy is not that special or amazing why am I so obsessed with him? Because he dosnt want me.

I remember I saw him out one night at a night club and nearly every guy in the room was staring at me, trying to get my attention, wanting to talk to me (I'm a very attractive girl). BUT I wasn't interested in any of them. I wanted my ex who would barely make eye contact with me. ?? The other guys were better looking, funnier ect ect but HE was the one who had my attention the average Joe. Who most people would say I was out of his league.

Now I know I have a problem but not sure how to fix it. Why is it I want people so badly who reject me? Fear of commitment obviously ugh . I don't know how to fix this it's just so damn addicting to want people who don't want me or play games with me.

"Ironically, this "repetition compulsion" is hardly masochistic. Instead, it represents an ongoing attempt to heal the self, albeit one with disastrous results. The cycle repeats itself because the person knows no other way of preventing themselves from feeling tiny or immaterial.

This is exactly where therapy comes into play. The analysts were correct in at least one important matter. This repetitive behavior has its roots in childhood, the time in which "voice" and self are established. People are often aware that they are struggling to be heard, to have a sense of agency, and to be valued in a relationship, but they are unaware that this is usually the very same struggle they had with one or both parents. A good therapist reveals this by closely examining their personal history. "

From:

All I got from your post is that you want to be in a relationship so bad that you will get involved with guys you don't even like and stick to them despite the dislike. When they finally dump you, you can't handle the rejection or being alone, so you chase like crazy, analyze, plot, etc.

Committing to someone you don't even like doesn't make you a commitment phobe, it makes you a person that can't stand being alone and makes really bad decisions about who to get involved as a result....out of desperation for being a couple.

Well....that's just another perspective for you to ponder about yourself. Take it with a grain of salt of course.

I don't understand. Didn't YOU just reject your CP boyfriend for not wanting a RL with you?

That is healthy.

Unless you regret your decision and are thinking of going "back there" again.... to him?

Cause that would be unhealthy.

And BTW, He's Scared, She's Scared is the same premise as Mr. Unavailable.

Both the man and the woman have issues with commitment, one passively by getting (and staying!) involved with a CP.... and the other actively by running away from commitment.

But in your case, you DID NOT stay, so a bit confused by your post.

'I remember I saw him out one night at a night club and nearly every guy in the room was staring at me, trying to get my attention, wanting to talk to me (I'm a very attractive girl). BUT I wasn't interested in any of them. I wanted my ex who would barely make eye contact with me. ?? The other guys were better looking, funnier ect ect but HE was the one who had my attention the average Joe. Who most people would say I was out of his league.'

Have you considered seeing a therapist for possible cluster B personality disorders? Whilst possibly not having fully blown narcisstic personality disorder, you appear to be showing traits of it. Are you attracted to empathetic guys? It may be a clue. I'd be terrified of getting involved with a woman like you in any way, I think most guys would.

I don't understand. Didn't YOU just reject your CP boyfriend for not wanting a RL with you?

 

That is healthy.

 

Unless you regret your decision and are thinking of going "back there" again.... to him?

 

Cause that would be unhealthy.

 

And BTW, He's Scared, She's Scared is the same premise as Mr. Unavailable.

 

Both the man and the woman have issues with commitment, one passively by getting (and staying!) involved with a CP.... and the other actively by running away from commitment.

 

But in your case, you DID NOT stay, so a bit confused by your post.

I finally got exhausted with all the games and decided to cut him out but I was trying to get the bottom of why I seem to always want people who reject me in the first place. Apparently commitment phobic people attract eachother

It sounds like you lack real challenges in your life such as interesting work or hobbies or interests.

I needed to get him back id spend way to much time plotting on how I was going to get him back. As soon as he wasn't giving me commitment anymore I wanted him. I loved that he didn't want me.

All I got from your post is that you want to be in a relationship so bad that you will get involved with guys you don't even like and stick to them despite the dislike. When they finally dump you, you can't handle the rejection or being alone, so you chase like crazy, analyze, plot, etc.

 

Committing to someone you don't even like doesn't make you a commitment phobe, it makes you a person that can't stand being alone and makes really bad decisions about who to get involved as a result....out of desperation for being a couple.

 

Well....that's just another perspective for you to ponder about yourself. Take it with a grain of salt of course.

It's not that I didn't like them I did. I worded it wrong. But when they were too into me it made me uncomfortable and I resented them and start pushing them away. That's why I was angry at myself for becoming so annoyed with these guys for just being loving and affective it turned my stomach and as soon as they rejected me the tables turned. It's all very complicated stuff I could never point why i was like this but this book explained everything so well

Well, Sarah, it's fine now knowing the "why".

The next project is to seek help in rectifying the mindset and healing yourself, so that you can enter relationships in a healthy way.

It sounds like you lack real challenges in your life such as interesting work or hobbies or interests.

Full of helpful advice as usual. I had to take time out of work for awhile because of my anxiety. Being a nurse is a very emotionally demanding job and I couldn't cope with it. I'm actually in therapy atm and working on going back

I finally got exhausted with all the games and decided to cut him out but I was trying to get the bottom of why I seem to always want people who reject me in the first place. Apparently commitment phobic people attract eachother

Okay so he played games, messed with you emotionally, etc so you rejected. Fabulous!

So now the question is... even though you rejected, do you still want him? And perhaps even regret your decision? Because you miss the roller coaster even though at the same time it frustrated you?

Because for me, when guys play games and mess me about, I may hang for a bit and even play along if I am attracted, but I eventually I become TURNED OFF by it and walk away.

And NOT look back.

It's not that I didn't like them I did. I worded it wrong. But when they were too into me it made me uncomfortable and I resented them and start pushing them away. That's why I was angry at myself for becoming so annoyed with these guys for just being loving and affective it turned my stomach and as soon as they rejected me the tables turned. It's all very complicated stuff I could never point why i was like this but this book explained everything so well

This might be just my personal mileage but if I'm only kind of into him, but not really into him, then yes, as the relationship grows and he becomes more involved in my life and more attentive, I find it annoying and intrusive. However, at that point I recognize that I feel that way because I don't genuinely like him enough and I walk and don't look back.

When you are with the right person, it's just comfortable and you don't find their growing attention and companionship irritating.

Again, just food for thought and a different perspective.

It's not that I didn't like them I did. I worded it wrong. But when they were too into me it made me uncomfortable and I resented them and start pushing them away. That's why I was angry at myself for becoming so annoyed with these guys for just being loving and affective it turned my stomach and as soon as they rejected me the tables turned. It's all very complicated stuff I could never point why i was like this but this book explained everything so well

Well even though you are very attractive, to me that sounds like low self-esteem.

Subconsciously you feel you don't deserve a man who likes/loves you, so you reject those men and instead become obsessed with the "bad boys" the one who are not into you and mess you about.

I don't know just throwing it out there for you to consider.

And katrina I stayed alot longer than I should have but the whole situation was crippling me with anxiety which is why I went full no contact and am trying to work on my issues all along I thought it was him but I now realise alot of this is on me to

And katrina I stayed alot longer than I should have but the whole situation was crippling me with anxiety which is why I went full no contact and am trying to work on my issues all along I thought it was him but I now realise alot of this is on me to

What will you do if/when he comes back? Telling you he's sorry, he's changed, things will be different... hell, he may even cry.

Active CP's are notorious for crying when wanting to return, it's uncanny!

If I had to venture I guess, you are still into him, so you will fall right back in.

I hope not though as it would only be a matter of time before he feels boxed in or whatevs and runs again.

These type of dysfunctional RLs can go on for YEARS, often devastating the passive person being messed about and trying to understand.

"...I only want men when they won't commit to me because deep down I myself fear commitment. (Mind blown). I rush into relationships to because deep down its what I really want."

So, Sarah, what insight do you have as to why this is the case. Your commitment phobia? Is therapy helping to discover the roots of this psychological problem?

Well even though you are very attractive, to me that sounds like low self-esteem.

 

Subconsciously you feel you don't deserve a man who likes/loves you, so you reject those men and instead become obsessed with the "bad boys" the one who are not into you and mess you about.

 

I don't know just throwing it out there for you to consider.

The last few days of our relationship he would call and text all the time . It made me so angry I'd avoid him. Anytime he called I'd tell him to call back later because I was busy. I became so annoyed with him and I had no idea why he wasn't doing anything wrong and it's not that I wasn't into him. I was. Which is why I didn't understand why I felt this way...I just started to resent him for no reason. He left me a voice may saying how I was treating him was appalling and that he dosnt ask for much just a little time and attention.

The last few days of our relationship he would call and text all the time . It made me so angry I'd avoid him. Anytime he called I'd tell him to call back later because I was busy. I became so annoyed with him and I had no idea why he wasn't doing anything wrong and it's not that I wasn't into him. I was. Which is why I didn't understand why I felt this way...I just started to resent him for no reason.

 

He left me a voice may saying how I was treating him was appalling and that he dosnt ask for much just a little time and attention.

Are you talking about your recent ex, the one you claimed suffered from CP?

Just a thought but from the above post, it sounds like YOU were the one actively running away and his behavior was in response to yours.

It also sounds like you did NOT dump him for being a CP, you dumped him because he started giving you the attention you SAID you needed, which annoyed you and turned you off!

Man this is crazy-making behavior Sarah, on YOUR part ... sorry..

What will you do if/when he comes back? Telling you he's sorry, he's changed, things will be different... hell, he may even cry.

 

Active CP's are notorious for crying when wanting to return, it's uncanny!

 

If I had to venture I guess, you are still into him, so you will fall right back in.

 

I hope not though as it would only be a matter of time before he feels boxed in or whatevs and runs again.

 

These type of dysfunctional RLs can go on for YEARS, often devastating the passive person being messed about and trying to understand.

I don't think I'm still into him katrina and I don't think I'll take him back either. The thing Is my head was really messed up for a long time I had no idea why I behaved the way i did and why I'm always in relationships like this. But lately I've been trying to understand myself and I've got answers. I see things more clearly I know what he is and that nothing will ever come from him but I also know I play a big part of it and I didn't see it before. Now I know I just need to work on how I can break this cycle and become emotionally available before I get into another relationship. Because I'm not ready for one

I don't think I'm still into him katrina and I don't think I'll take him back either. The thing Is my head was really messed up for a long time I had no idea why I behaved the way i did and why I'm always in relationships like this. But lately I've been trying to understand myself and I've got answers. I see things more clearly I know what he is and that nothing will ever come from him but I also know I play a big part of it and I didn't see it before. Now I know I just need to work on how I can break this cycle and become emotionally available before I get into another relationship. Because I'm not ready for one

Well self awareness is the first step so you're on your way.

Reading and a good therapist (specializing in these types of fears) will help you too.

Good luck girl!

It's not just him I could be really into a guy and he has all the qualities I like. But at a certain point I ALWAYS push them away become annoyed with them for no reason. As soon as they start playing games rejecting me ect I want them. It's a Catch 22 really Im attracted to people who won't give me commitment because deep down myself I have commitment issues so I feel more comfortable with the chasing. It's all very confusing stuff

I cant be happy when things are smooth sailing and I'm addicted to the drama of destructive relationships

It's not just him I could be really into a guy and he has all the qualities I like. But at a certain point I ALWAYS push them away become annoyed with them for no reason. As soon as they start playing games rejecting me ect I want them. It's a Catch 22 really Im attracted to people who won't give me commitment because deep down myself I have commitment issues so I feel more comfortable with the chasing. It's all very confusing stuff

I cant be happy when things are smooth sailing and I'm addicted to the drama of destructive relationships

You became aware of all this within the past couple of days from reading Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl?

Wow that must be one powerful book.

Because all this time I thought you rejected your recent ex for being a huge CP, not wanting a RL with you and jerking you about.

Only to discover you rejected him for giving you the attention to claimed to want.

Not judging, as I said self awareness is good!

I am just surprised tis all.

But yeah continue your introspection and again try to seek out a good support group and/or therapist to help you work through these issues.

Best of luck with your journey.

It's not just him I could be really into a guy and he has all the qualities I like. But at a certain point I ALWAYS push them away become annoyed with them for no reason. As soon as they start playing games rejecting me ect I want them. It's a Catch 22 really Im attracted to people who won't give me commitment because deep down myself I have commitment issues so I feel more comfortable with the chasing. It's all very confusing stuff

I cant be happy when things are smooth sailing and I'm addicted to the drama of destructive relationships

You became aware of all this within the past couple of days from reading Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl?

 

Wow that must be one powerful book.

 

Because all this time I thought you rejected your recent ex for being a huge CP, not wanting a RL with you and jerking you about.

 

Only to discover you rejected him for giving you the attention to claimed to want.

 

Not judging, as I said self awareness is good!

 

I am just surprised tis all.

 

But yeah continue your introspection and again try to seek out a good support group and/or therapist to help you work through these issues.

 

Best of luck with your journey.

 

I think when there's a relationship with two people that are both emotionally unavailable it's a messy situation that dosnt make sense even I find it confusing to wrap my head around. It contradicts itself in many ways and I find it hard to put into words but the author explains it to a "t" his over attentiveness was coming from a place of fear aswell and meanwhile it was pushing me away. the author explains people that are emotionally unavailable only get into relationships with other people who are emotionally unavailable. Nothing about the relationship was healthy. Yes he was attentive but I still think he has huge commitment issues himself. There's alot of push pulling and game playing from both parties. It was one big mess. He ended it but yet he didn't end it either. As soon as he ended it he was blowing hot and cold wanting to be with me /not wanting to be with me. Come here go away type of attitude. Because I have commitment issues myself I'm more interested when I think there's no chance of commitment ...this is all going on in my subconscious mind I do it without realising. When he seems too commitment it makes me run for the hills and feel uncomfortable.

When I come on too strong with him he backs away. When I tell him I'm done with this situation he does everything on his power to keep me. We are both doing it to eachother which is the crazy thing. It really is a catch 23 and a really unhealthy situation