Accepting myself

Hello everyone,

I never thought I'd end up writing about this in a forum but here I am.

I've always thought of myself as a strong woman that has gone through a lot, and I've always felt a little bit more mature that most girls my age. I'm now almost 27.

Last year I met the love of my life, and I felt like it had happened in the perfect moment. I had a new job, I was doing great and I just felt so good with myself.

I don't know what it is about the relationship. But even though he loves me to death, and has never cheated on me or even showed signs of doing so I just can't help feeling like I'm not enough for him. Or that he's cheating on me. I don't know why I feel this way. He's never treated me badly, quite the opposite.

I realize that getting jealous because of stupid things or feeling like I'm not pretty enough for him is ruining my relationship. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do to love myself again. I don't even know when I stopped doing it or why.

How can I get to feeling comfortable with myself again?

And in case anyone suggests this, I'm already on a break with my boyfriend because I know I have to work on myself before I can be happy with him, or someone else. I just want to feel happy with myself again.

Dont take breaks in the relationship because of this. You are basically pushing the other person away.

Sure you have to work on yourself but that doesnt mean you have to make the other person go through this or wait for you... Until you "feel" comfortable when he actually loves you for who you are.

Face the fact he likes you just the way you are.

Work on your self esteem and maintain your relationship. Thats my advice.

You know, accepting yourself is a long journey. Especially for women!

Growing up, I had and still sometimes have a terrible body image. I have a big, crooked nose, crooked teeth, nappy hair, small boobs, pale skin, acne. You name it. I hated myself. Add to that my shyness, my inability to command crowds. I felt inferior. As I grew up, I became more outgoing but still had issues with my image.

When I moved to SoCal, I'd say my body image tanked. I suddenly found myself surrounded by all these girls who were "beautiful" by today's standards. Extremely skinny, fake boobs, whitened teeth, spray tans, clear skin etc. At first, I tried to be like them (but they had a steady cash flow coming in from mommy and daddy to afford their twice weekly spray tans and teeth whitening treatments), I got a spray tan once, didn't think much of it. After a while, I started to accept my body for what it is. I used to own ONLY push up bras and bathing suit tops, now I go to the beach without them. I don't honestly know where along the line I started to accept myself or when or how. All I know is that it happened gradually, and sometimes, it falls off or tapers out and suddenly I'm back to being insecure.

You just need to realize that you're beautiful no matter what. You are beautiful in your own skin, and other people think so, too! Your boyfriend, for instance, finds you beautiful inside and out I'm certain. What about YOU do you LOVE? List those things! Sounds so silly, but you gotta look at yourself in the mirror and be like "I'm beautiful" and name the things that are beautiful about you, on your body and in your mind.

Dont take breaks in the relationship because of this. You are basically pushing the other person away.

Sure you have to work on yourself but that doesnt mean you have to make the other person go through this or wait for you... Until you "feel" comfortable when he actually loves you for who you are.

Face the fact he likes you just the way you are.

 

Work on your self esteem and maintain your relationship. Thats my advice.

I don't know what to do to get my self esteem back up. And he said I should let him know when I feel ready...

Keep saying to yourself "the past is in the past and I am with this guy now". Make sure a new relationship is not contaminated by past hurts.

Who wanted the break and what led to that?

How can I get to feeling comfortable with myself again?

You know, accepting yourself is a long journey. Especially for women!

 

Growing up, I had and still sometimes have a terrible body image. I have a big, crooked nose, crooked teeth, nappy hair, small boobs, pale skin, acne. You name it. I hated myself. Add to that my shyness, my inability to command crowds. I felt inferior. As I grew up, I became more outgoing but still had issues with my image.

 

When I moved to SoCal, I'd say my body image tanked. I suddenly found myself surrounded by all these girls who were "beautiful" by today's standards. Extremely skinny, fake boobs, whitened teeth, spray tans, clear skin etc. At first, I tried to be like them (but they had a steady cash flow coming in from mommy and daddy to afford their twice weekly spray tans and teeth whitening treatments), I got a spray tan once, didn't think much of it. After a while, I started to accept my body for what it is. I used to own ONLY push up bras and bathing suit tops, now I go to the beach without them. I don't honestly know where along the line I started to accept myself or when or how. All I know is that it happened gradually, and sometimes, it falls off or tapers out and suddenly I'm back to being insecure.

 

You just need to realize that you're beautiful no matter what. You are beautiful in your own skin, and other people think so, too! Your boyfriend, for instance, finds you beautiful inside and out I'm certain. What about YOU do you LOVE? List those things! Sounds so silly, but you gotta look at yourself in the mirror and be like "I'm beautiful" and name the things that are beautiful about you, on your body and in your mind.

Thank you for your message. It's just really hard to work on myself when every day I have to pretend I'm alright and stand up in front of my 13-15 year old students and act like I'm the most confident person in the world.

At this point I feel like I'll have to let my relationship go and work on myself.

Keep saying to yourself "the past is in the past and I am with this guy now". Make sure a new relationship is not contaminated by past hurts.

 

Who wanted the break and what led to that?this guy?

 

It's the same man, yes. We've fixed a lot of issues we've had in the past, but I can't help letting my low self esteem get in the way.

 

I brought up something from the past, and he didn't like it. We had a conversation and basically we agreed that I have to work on these things. Not like I hadn't realized that I have this problem before, but I feel like I need time alone to work on myself, cause I don't think there's nothing he can do to help me with this. If anything it'd probably make things worse.

Excellent! Continue your fine profession and take pride in that. That's a tough age.

every day I have to pretend I'm alright and stand up in front of my 13-15 year old students and act like I'm the most confident person in the world.

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Thank you for your message. It's just really hard to work on myself when every day I have to pretend I'm alright and stand up in front of my 13-15 year old students and act like I'm the most confident person in the world.

 

At this point I feel like I'll have to let my relationship go and work on myself.

There's really nothing wrong with that, in my opinion. I think people should first and foremost be okay being alone with themselves and their thoughts. That, in my opinion, is the first step toward being a "complete" person. I lack confidence myself, always have. Accepting yourself is a long journey, and it will ebb and flow. You'll feel great some days, and awful others. I think that's the most important thing to realize, you will probably never feel 100% about yourself, and that's completely normal. In fact, it's better. Carl Jung once said that in psychotherapy, it shouldn't be one's job to heal at all costs. You need to let a person live out their mistakes and feelings but provide guidance so that the person can provide their own material and uncover their own issues, otherwise you're robbing them of the most sincere motivation for improvement (this is severely paraphrased). He even goes so far as to say that no one is perfect and we shouldn't even strive for perfection (how boring would that be, right?). Instead of striving for perfection, which is something no human being can attain, we ought to strive to be as complete a person as we can be. After I read that, it became easier to accept my mistakes and my flaws. As long as you continually work toward improvement and completeness, you'll be fine.

I think the problem is that I don't know what it means to be complete. I had actually been single and happy for 3 years before I met him. I felt ready for the commitment but then it just all went to hell and I became so unhappy. I don't know why! As I said he treats me so well, it's almost as if I wanted to sabotage the relationship. I don't know.

Have you considered that he's just not the right guy since it's becoming on/off and he keeps insinuating that you need fixing? Don't be in a bad relationship just because you think you "should" be in a relationship.

I had actually been single and happy for 3 years before I met him.

After reading your previous thread, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship and so probably for the best that you actually part ways with this person for good and not just temporarily. You may love him, but when you love the wrong kind of a person, a person you can't talk to, a person who gets angry with you when you bring up issues, your self esteem will take a hit and the longer you stay in that unhealthy dynamic, the worse you will feel about yourself.

When you find yourself with the right man, you will feel safe. Literally. Safe to talk, safe to be yourself, safe to express yourself, safe to express problems and even insecurities and resolve them amicably, you will sleep at night even if he is out with the guys because you will feel safe knowing he is loyal to you. It is real and he is out there. You need to get back to feeling like yourself again and that does mean getting away from this guy and you will meet someone who actually makes you feel good about yourself. A man who won't accept that he might have done someone to upset you, a man who will get angry with you will tear you down and you would be wise to walk away from that sooner rather than later.

I think what it means to be complete differs for each person. That's part of the journey. You felt complete as a single woman, and that probably took you some time. Then all the sudden you found yourself having to give part of yourself to someone else. Maybe you just gave too much? That's my problem, when I get into a relationship, I tend to give too much and I lose myself, I lose my identity. I'm really working on that, I'd rather have a highly differentiated relationship wherein we both are equally passionate about each other and about our own independent lives. You have to find your line.

I understand that he might not be the one for me even though I feel like he is. As I mentioned a few messages above I want to feel good with myself, for me, not to get back with him. I just don't know where to start.

Go no contact and block him. Having him in and out of your life criticizing you, etc. is just messing you up.

I just don't know where to start.

You start by removing the toxic influence from your life. Then you go back to friends, hobbies, whatever you were doing before you met him that made you happy. Will you feel instantly normal? No. It will take time to start feeling like yourself again and to feel good. So don't expect instant results. It's more a marathon than a sprint sometimes. In other words, you have to learn to accept that sometimes life stinks and not beat yourself up about it. Once you start feeling more like yourself, you need to examine seriously why you felt that a guy with a short temper who makes you feel bad about yourself felt like the right man for you. Gotta get that monkey off your back so you don't keep doing the rinse and repeat of bad relationships cycle. The men may be different, but the problems stay, unless you figure out how to avoid them that is. To figure that part out it will be the old time and distance thing. The more distance the better 20/20 vision you get.

Now, I am not suggesting that you stay single for years again because that itself can lead you to accepting bad relationships. We as humans for the most part need companionship so being single for too long makes us think that even bad companionship is better than none. So there is a balance of time needed to heal and sort yourself and staying away from dating and relationships for too long.

If you dont mind me asking... What are the issues you see in yourself?

What dont you like about yourself? Be specific.

My last relationship I viewed her as to good for me. It was more of why would this person want to be with me type thing. People are just people no matter the background. She would often say to me you have no addictions you are to perfect. I found this strange. She eventually started to make up her own against me. Point is why sabotage a relationship be happy he likes you. He wouldn't be showing interest if he didnt. Of course like others have said you have to like yourself first. Good luck

If you dont mind me asking... What are the issues you see in yourself?

What dont you like about yourself? Be specific.

Well now that you mention it, before we got serious I felt so good about myself. Even though I'm a bit chubby, and my boobs and butt are not big at all like men like. I even remember joking with my best friend about how I felt too pretty to be with him.

But then after a lot of waiting we finally got intimate and I remember while we were still in bed he suggested that I should go to the gym, since I had told him I had just started going on a diet. Idk why I took so much offense on this, but I think that's when I started feeling insecure. And then I remember a couple of months ago when we went on holiday we were at the hotel getting ready for our tour and he kept complaining about his belly and how he hated being fat (he's not even fat he's just got a belly). It made me feel like, if he doesn't like his body why would he like mine. And that made me feel even worse.

Little by little I started feeling like I'm not attractive enough for hI'm and I started hating my body. During the last few months I've started overeating and I've put on a lot of weight.

Forgot to mention I think I'm depressed. I'm in a serious financial issue and I feel like a failure. Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed.

Well now that you mention it, before we got serious I felt so good about myself. Even though I'm a bit chubby, and my boobs and butt are not big at all like men like. I even remember joking with my best friend about how I felt too pretty to be with him.

 

But then after a lot of waiting we finally got intimate and I remember while we were still in bed he suggested that I should go to the gym, since I had told him I had just started going on a diet. Idk why I took so much offense on this, but I think that's when I started feeling insecure. And then I remember a couple of months ago when we went on holiday we were at the hotel getting ready for our tour and he kept complaining about his belly and how he hated being fat (he's not even fat he's just got a belly). It made me feel like, if he doesn't like his body why would he like mine. And that made me feel even worse.

 

Little by little I started feeling like I'm not attractive enough for hI'm and I started hating my body. During the last few months I've started overeating and I've put on a lot of weight.

 

Forgot to mention I think I'm depressed. I'm in a serious financial issue and I feel like a failure. Sometimes it's hard to get out of bed.

Of course, no wonder you feel that way. He sure made you feel uncomfortable.

But you still want to be with him...

Thing is, I dont think he truly likes you for who you are.

Of course, no wonder you feel that way. He sure made you feel uncomfortable.

But you still want to be with him...

Thing is, I dont think he truly likes you for who you are.

I don't think that's the problem in our relationship. When we talked about my insecurities he's told me I'm the only one he wants and loves. And he told me he'd really love it if I loved myself, if I was confident and happy with myself. But I just can't.

I don't think that's the problem in our relationship. When we talked about my insecurities he's told me I'm the only one he wants and loves. And he told me he'd really love it if I loved myself, if I was confident and happy with myself. But I just can't.

Everyone has insecurities. Nobody is perfect. We all have flaws.

Thats truly accepting and loving someone.

If he truly loves you, he would encourage you to improve yourself not put you down instead.

Everyone has insecurities. Nobody is perfect. We all have flaws.

Thats truly accepting and loving someone.

If he truly loves you, he would encourage you to improve yourself not put you down instead.

He hasn't put me down, we're not together right now because he wants me to be okay. And I honestly feel better today. Much better than yesterday. I miss him, but I'm more important right now, you know? I just want to feel good, and attract good things to my life. I don't know how I'll get there, but eventually it'll happen.

Hello everyone,

.....before I can be happy with him, or someone else. I just want....

You are already done with him in your heart. The break is just a way to buy you time if you get back with him. I agree though, you need to work on yourself before you enter a relationship again.