Can't let go

Hi I'm new here. I "mutually" broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years over two months ago. But looking back I think she pushed us to it and had someone else in mind. After some time apart I realised that the reasons for our break up could be worked on (I was stalking on moving in together etc) and I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving this women. I tried to talk to her about it but she seemed hostile, this got me suspicious so I was checking her social media (something I've never done as I trusted her completely) I noticed some things with this guy. I asked her about it she denied it.

I did everything wrong. I chased her. Acted pathetically and I even so stupidly sent a message to some one in this guys social group asking if there was something going on (which if there wasn't may have actually caused it to happen )

After that I realised I was acting in the wrong way and had lost control of my emotions and left her alone. I think at one point she was missing me (I know she still loved me) and I can't help thinking if I'd gone to see her I could have convinced her to stay...but I wanted to give her space. Basically I chased when I shouldn't have done and left her alone when I should have gone see her

Well after a few weeks i found out I was right. She is seeing this guy already.....and seems all loved up already... She found out about the message I sent and then got angry kind of rubbed it in my face a bit

I was completely devestated...I just didn't see it coming..he seems better than me in every way

I was severely depressed but am on the mend.

There are a few reasons I don't think it will work with this new guy (incompatibilities) even though she seems to be falling for him after weeks?

Maybe it is just a rebound or just casual I don't know.

I know the usual advice. Move on improve yourself etc etc. And I plan to

But i keep thinking in the back of my mind if I do all this maybe she will come back...maybe if I bide my time it won't work with this new guy and I'll have another chance...but I highly doubt it at the same time.

I really love her. I shouldn't want her back because I feel betrayed. Maybe I wouldn't be able to take her back after the way she has been..

I am just finding it extremely hard to let go. I think about her all the time, so many great memories. Yet I don't think she is even giving me a second thought. I don't understand how she can move on and forget me so quickly

She is younger than me and was a virgin when I met her. Maybe she just wanted to go out and experience life and maybe in the future we could try again..if I even could

Im just really confused and don't know how to move on. I have zero interest in dating anyone else and just feel completely deflated.

Any advice would be great

Was she ready to go to the next level of moving in together? Did she want to get married/engaged after 2 yrs? Perhaps she was not ready/too inexperienced for any type of commitment?

It doesn't matter if it works out with this guy or not. What matters is is wasn't working out between you two and she cheated and left.

It would be best to go no contact and not scan her social media so that you can heal and reflect.. If she she wants to get back together, she'll let you know.

I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving this women.She is seeing this guy already.maybe if I bide my time it won't work with this new guy and I'll have another chance. She is younger than me and was a virgin when I met her. Maybe she just wanted to go out and experience life.

Yeah that's the thing, it was always her that was pushing to move in, she had wanted to for a while...she was the first to talk about kids etc I was the one that was stalling/ wasn't sure I was ready

I wasn't sure if I wanted Kids which is something that caused conflict and was one of the issues brought up when we broke up but she didn't want them for a long time and I had decided that I would be ok with it in the far future just not ATM

I do t believe she cheated on me...but I do think she had someone in mind before we broke up

I am in NC now, I sent her a message along the lines of "it's a shame we couldn't work things out, wish you the best, no hard feelings, hope she finds happiness etc etc and haven't contacted her since

I'm trying not to hold onto false hope for the future and just move on but it is difficult

Ok it sounds like you tried but there were to many incompatibilities in terms of values, goals, commitments and being on the same page currently and in the future. Unfortunately she did the right thing cutting her losses after 2 yrs together if things where stalling out and she wanted marriage/kids etc.

it was always her that was pushing to move in, she had wanted to for a while...she was the first to talk about kids etc I was the one that was stalling/ wasn't sure I was ready.I wasn't sure if I wanted Kids which is something that caused conflict and was one of the issues brought up when we broke up

Well she didn't want kids for a long time either so that wasn't really the issue, that's why I was ok with it, because she wouldn't want them for a long time anyway..

I think we just got into a rut, but with time to myself to reflect and think about things I could see things more clearly and what I needed to be doing better etc, but when I tried to talk to her about it she didn't want to.

Then Iike I said I think there was a point were if I had spoken to her and put everything on the table so to speak we could have worked things out but everyone's advice was to give her space but then she got with this guy so it's too late now

I've kind of accepted it's over, I have to move on and just work on myself. There are things I need to improve and do better. So if I ever meet someone else I feel so strongly for or if she is ever interested in the future I I'll be in a better place and won't make the same mistakes

I just don't understand how someone who supposedly loves you can move on and forget about you so quickly...

For whatever reason, she decided she didn't want to be with you anymore..... and you have to accept that. Why would you want someone back who cheated on you? "Because I love her " isn't an answer... that way you would be giving her free licence to do it again if she got fed up "next time". It's still early days - you're grieving for a lost relationship. Take your time - go out and meet new people and somewhere along the line someone else will come along. There's no rush. Good luck X

Since she ended it and seemingly moved on, it's natural to feel powerless and inadequate. In reality, from an objective standpoint, this woman is totally not worth it. You're just going through the stages of abandonment. No biggie, it happens to the best of us.

She clearly cheated and monkey branched. And the new guy is an idiot for falling into that trap. Of course, I've seen monkey branchers marry their rebounds, so who knows.

Keep your head up. Stay no contact. If you're going to let a moment like this define you, at least do it with endearment and wisdom, not self-sabotage and depression.

Well she didn't cheat on me, I don't think she would ever do that, but I do think she had someone else she wanted in mind and just didn't have the courage to end things and I feel she kind of pushed us to it by the way she was bahaving towards me...though I can't be 100% sure. Maybe if we hadn't broken up she would never have pursued it who knows

She is in her early 20s I personally think maybe she just wanted to be free i don't know. I keep thinking about the different reasons and the what ifs etc I need to stop I know

I am trying to get out and meet more people and move on I am just finding it difficult to motivate myself ATM

We were really well suited I just got stressed with work and other things I think she did too and we just got into a rut and made a rash decision

I don't know if I could take her back now as you say or there would have to be a large break...and she would have to really convince me that she was serious and I could trust her

I guess like you said I just need time to heal either way, thanks

I did a lot of these things in my first relationship, had suspicions, checked in on it and found out she had this guy at her trying to get her to leave me and be with him... which took about 2 months to actually happen. She dumped me 3 days after Christmas, and 3 days after that she was with him... found that one when I spotted them in town together, I had some choice words for them to say the least...! But prior to finding out, I totally got my crazy on... I hung around outside her flat so I could see her face to face, I made invented excuses to walk past her flat so I could 'accidentaly' run into her, I put letters through herletter box, sent texts, Facebooked her... anything I could possibly try I did try at some point. Looking back at it, I'm like 'oh my god, what was I even thinking...?', but there is no textbook for heartbreak... it makes you do crazy things to rescue what has become an unrequited love. It was my first relationship, so it was all new...beginning to end, and beyond. So you aren't alone in doing things you regret following a relationship, its a natural reaction to heartbreak... you wouldn't be human if you just went 'meh' and took it on the chin.

Its good that you have the seeds of forward thinking, and of course you'll be hanging onto a great deal of love for her... its harder than a lot of people think to move forward when you have this massive anchor made up of amazing times and strong feelings holding you back, but you will get there... that's a promise.

As far as she goes, the harsh reality is that she probably isn't giving you a second's thought these days... she'll be all about this other guy, that may seem a little callous... but the fact you're heartbroken will likely be of no consequence to her whatsoever. You maybe don't see a future without her and don't want to date right now, that is perfectly fine... move at your own pace, just don't close the door to your heart, because you never know when the missing piece will walk in and fill that space again.

Keep your head up man, life is full of amazing things

 

Keep your head up. Stay no contact. If you're going to let a moment like this define you, at least do it with endearment and wisdom, not self-sabotage and depression.

I am trying really hard to spin it into a positive. Learn where I went wrong and reflect on what I need to improve on in myself. Setting new goals for myself etc then I'll be in a stronger position than I am now and if I meet someone else I like i won't have to go through this again or if she comes back at any point I can choose whether it is worth pursuing again. I guess by then I probably wouldn't want to unless she somehow convinced me it was worth the risk again. Cheers buddy

Monkey branching is pretty much cheating. At least in the emotional sense. When else would she find time to build rapport with the new guy? There was no gap of time between relationships.

She really doesn't care about me at all does she

To me, there's a huge lack of feeling there... and this 'monkey branching' kinda backs that up. Getting her next relationship lined up, keeping you hanging in the meantime... how disrespectful is that?

It's so strange because throughout the relationship she was much more "into" me, she was much more expressive of how much she loved me etc, I am not as expressive verbally like that, I prefer to show love in other ways..

It's like she completely changed into someone else

You're right, it is disrespectful, I would never do something like that. I'm disappointed that if she wasn't happy she didn't have the courage and respect to end things. instead she started Looking for someone new first then probably subtly sabotaged the relationship thinking about it now...her behaviour did change, she was a lot less patient with me etc not as interested in sex (and we always had an amazing sex life)

All the signs were there I just missed them because I trusted her completely won't make that mistake again

To me, there's a huge lack of feeling there... and this 'monkey branching' kinda backs that up. Getting her next relationship lined up, keeping you hanging in the meantime... how disrespectful is that?

It happens all the time. I think in the mind of the dumper they are convinced this is how to let the other person off easy, but all it does is take the pressure off them for doing something pretty immoral and disrespectful.

This place is great, I didn't think I'd get so many replies so quickly, thanks guys

I think I'm going to have a hard time trusting anyone after this, I'm trying to not let it make me bitter but I'm feeling pretty cold right now. My opinion of love and relationships has been changed.

Best to avoid any serious relationships for a very long time I think.

It's so strange because throughout the relationship she was much more "into" me, she was much more expressive of how much she loved me etc, I am not as expressive verbally like that, I prefer to show love in other ways..

 

It's like she completely changed into someone else

 

You're right, it is disrespectful, I would never do something like that. I'm disappointed that if she wasn't happy she didn't have the courage and respect to end things. instead she started Looking for someone new first then probably subtly sabotaged the relationship thinking about it now...her behaviour did change, she was a lot less patient with me etc not as interested in sex (and we always had an amazing sex life)

 

All the signs were there I just missed them because I trusted her completely won't make that mistake again

You didn't do anything wrong man. Trusting someone is not a character flaw. Having trust issues after this WILL be. Like I said, dont let this define you in that way.

Like I said, take it at your own pace... nothing wrong with that at all, just don't close the door y'know... you never know who may want to walk in.

Things like this leave scars, but try not to let it colour your view of love too much... not everybody will disrespect you in the way she has done.

No problem man, thats what we're here for... we support each other...!

I know, thanks dude, I'll try not to let it leave any lasting damage...

It will just take time I guess, ATM I still love her and just want her back, well the woman she was back anyway. I am trying to use it as a learning experience. I know she sounds pretty bad but honestly throughout most of the relationship she was wonderful and I have to recognise my own failings as well, I could have done much better and maybe things would have been different. If I ever fall in love again I'll be sure that I do things better and leave no doubt in my mind that I gave it everything and then if it doesn't work out I won't have any regrets on my part

What is wrong with me man, she's disrespected me and yet I still have this niggling thought of "maybe one day we could be together again" after time has past and she's matured more and if I can forgive her etc that she will miss me and come back eventually

I should want nothing to do with her

And she probably doesn't give the tiniest *#%* about me any more.

What a mess

There is nothing wrong with you man. Im going through the exact same thing right now. I still live with her, and have to see her every day. It's tough. I want her back just as bad as you want her back.

I'm trying to look at this in a positive way as well. However, as a person, it's hard to let go. I've learned by reading these stories, and even posting my own as well, that nothing is going to take the pain away. It's nice to talk to someone about it, but when it comes right down to it, you can tell when someone doesn't love you anymore.

She will come home from work tonight, wake me up, tell me she's home, and will allow me to cuddle her to sleep. I know she doesn't love me, and there is probably someone else, but I just do this for some type of comfort, knowing the next day I will feel alone and rejected again.

I guess it's part of the healing process or something. I'm not sure. Just as lost and confused as you are. Glad to know I'm not the only one.

What is wrong with me man, she's disrespected me and yet I still have this niggling thought of "maybe one day we could be together again" after time has past and she's matured more and if I can forgive her etc that she will miss me and come back eventually

 

I should want nothing to do with her

 

And she probably doesn't give the tiniest *#%* about me any more.

 

What a mess

Completely normal. In fact, honestly, I wish more people posting threads in this forum were like you. A lot of people just can't come to grips with the reality they face and want to dance around the issues of the break up. At least your comprehension of the situation is realistic. I remember being in your shoes some nine months ago when I joined and a lot of your responses remind me of my first thread. You have quality character. You're going to be fine. But give it a few months at the very least. In time you'll realize she wasn't as great as you perceived her.

 

She will come home from work tonight, wake me up, tell me she's home, and will allow me to cuddle her to sleep. I know she doesn't love me, and there is probably someone else, but I just do this for some type of comfort, knowing the next day I will feel alone and rejected again.

Dude. This sounds like ing torture she shouldn't be doing this...she's playing with your emotions...

And if she really doesn't love you why is she doing this??

Is there no where else you can stay for a while??

I would tell her straight. This hurts too much. If she doesn't want you anymore then it has to stop then move out if you can and go NC

You have quality character. You're going to be fine. But give it a few months at the very least. In time you'll realize she wasn't as great as you perceived her.

It's a shame she cannot see that....

How long did it take you to feel ok? The whole 9 months?

It's a shame she cannot see that....

 

How long did it take you to feel ok? The whole 9 months?

A couple months probably, starting and focusing on a new job helped. But it was only a month or so long relationship, it was juat confusing and left me with no closure. Never been dumped like that before after being pursued so hard.