Gf is losing the attraction for me

I have been dating this girl for nearly an year now and we are in a long distance relationship. We both make attempts and see each other once or twice a month and have also been on a long holiday together. I have met here family and they seem to like me as well. In 4-5 months time I will be moving to her city as my work is also there and we are planning to live together. During our last meeting, she said that she doesn't feel sexually attracted to me anymore. She said that she still likes me and wants us to be living together but doesn't understand why this feeling is there. I was taken back by this and felt quite bad and it also shattered my self - confidence. She wants to wait and see how things develop from now on. She is very honest and normally tell things how it is whether you like it or not.

Now the back story behind this. I have moved cities for work and in the process have disconnected from my friend circle. My family lives 8000 miles away so that also a thing. I feel lonely in the new city and have started texting,skyping my gf far too much. I have been initiating the skype call for the last 6 weeks or so and not her. Sometimes she ignores my text and I can see that I might be coming across as clingy. I also think that I am thinking about her too much and I think I have become insecure since I have moved cities which could be the problem. This is my theory.

She tells me that I am far too soft by nature and I don't put her in her place when I feel that she is wrong. She said she wants someone to tell her that she is wrong or not agree to everything what she says.I think this is somewhere in the category of so called "Nice guys". I am quite a calm person by nature but I have an aggressive side to me but I don't show that infront of my girlfriend. Maybe I like her too much and I fear losing her or just that I don't like to argue over silly things (keeping in mind that she is my first serious gf). She also says that distance is a problem and she has to get used to me be around when I come and see her on the weekends. I don't have that feeling. She now wants to see how she feels and says that I cannot really help her here and she has to think for herself.I will see her again in three weeks time but I have been left in a limbo here. I have some fear but I also feel helpless. She also wants this to work out for good but she is in a unique position as well. Not sure how should I react to this?

Any advice/suggestions would be really appreciated here.

It seems to me she is trying to break up with you, nicely... Since she considers you are a nice man, but obviously you are not her type...

I would leave her, you are not what she wants, simple... stop humiliating yourself in front of her, by chasing her, trying to please her, trying to change... if she wants a harsh, strong guy, so be one... tell her you also want a women who appreciate you for who you are and who is not complaining about everything, but tries to enjoy what you both share... tell her you don t want a little girl, who needs a daddy "to put her at her place"...

Don t blame yourself, you are who you are, don t change for anyone... Find someone who will love you for what you are...

Her demands about how you should change, will never end anyway, she is just not into you, so why waste both of your time...

Maybe you are right and that's what I thought when she said all that to me. My first reaction was to her was that she can walk away if she wants but she was quite upset by it. She wanted to talk and see if that makes her feel any better and it eventually did. This is what confuses me.

Of course she was upset, like I said she is a little girl, she wants things happen her way all the time... But are you really willing to just wait around until she makes up her mind about how you feels about you??? That is just humiliating... She wants something different, somebody different, maybe she is just not ready to leave you, until she finds that somebody else...

I really recommend YouTube video 7 principles to get an ex back by Corey Wayne....even though you are not officially separated, if she is moving towards something more platonic then check this out...usually it's not over yet, but just need a different approach...he also has lots of other tips...I wish I came across this like 10 years ago....

Here is what could work:

- stop initiating all contact and persuing. Now she has to do 100% of reaching out to you

- be direct and say you are not willing to have platonic relationship and live together like roommates. If she is not looking for something more, tell her to call you when/if she changed her mind and never look back..women are attracted to guys that stand their ground

- focus more on your goals etc and make this a priority...women are attracted to guys who are focused on their dreams and ambitions..

Like your gf mentioned, she wants a guy to call her out when she is wrong. This is not a bad boy thing, but more just being more masculine abd knowing she cannot have her way with you. The more a woman feels she can walk over you and the "nicer" you are in this regard, the more she will have less respect and will withdraw from the relationship and lose attraction...

(This really is just a biological trigger most women have to make sure you will keep them safe. IF you can't stand up to her being a smaller girl, she subconsciously fears that you won't stand up if some big guy comes along and threatens her)

It doesn't mean you have to argue if she does something wrong, but let her know in a loving and mature way and also she needs to realize that you are willing to walk away and never look back if she disrespects you... You need to. Regard yourself as the awesome catch with lots of options....before anyone else will

That's why LDR's have trouble....... you don't see them enough.

Sadly it sounds like she is breaking up but fading out rather than being direct about it. It would be silly to move in together as roommates. Is she seeing someone else locally? It sounds like she has lost interest, unfortunately.

Pull back and "let her think for herself". Do not initiate contact, wait until she does.

Also tell her you do not want to be "roommates". And ask her if there is someone local in the picture. It sounds like she won't be honest/direct with you until you ask the right questions.

she said that she doesn't feel sexually attracted to me She said that she still likes me and wants us to be living together.She wants to wait and see how things develop from now on. She also says that distance is a problem.

I really recommend YouTube video 7 principles to get an ex back by Corey Wayne....even though you are not officially separated, if she is moving towards something more platonic then check this out...usually it's not over yet, but just need a different approach...he also has lots of other tips...I wish I came across this like 10 years ago....

 

Here is what could work:

- stop initiating all contact and persuing. Now she has to do 100% of reaching out to you

- be direct and say you are not willing to have platonic relationship and live together like roommates. If she is not looking for something more, tell her to call you when/if she changed her mind and never look back..women are attracted to guys that stand their ground

- focus more on your goals etc and make this a priority...women are attracted to guys who are focused on their dreams and ambitions..

 

 

 

Like your gf mentioned, she wants a guy to call her out when she is wrong. This is not a bad boy thing, but more just being more masculine abd knowing she cannot have her way with you. The more a woman feels she can walk over you and the "nicer" you are in this regard, the more she will have less respect and will withdraw from the relationship and lose attraction...

 

(This really is just a biological trigger most women have to make sure you will keep them safe. IF you can't stand up to her being a smaller girl, she subconsciously fears that you won't stand up if some big guy comes along and threatens her)

 

It doesn't mean you have to argue if she does something wrong, but let her know in a loving and mature way and also she needs to realize that you are willing to walk away and never look back if she disrespects you... You need to. Regard yourself as the awesome catch with lots of options....before anyone else will

I have just come back after meeting her on the weekend and so far I have made sure that I don't initiate contact. But I am seeing her again in a few weeks time. Not sure what will happen then but I guess I am prepared for the worst.

Sadly it sounds like she is breaking up but fading out rather than being direct about it. It would be silly to move in together as roommates. Is she seeing someone else locally? It sounds like she has lost interest, unfortunately.

 

Pull back and "let her think for herself". Do not initiate contact, wait until she does.

 

Also tell her you do not want to be "roommates". And ask her if there is someone local in the picture. It sounds like she won't be honest/direct with you until you ask the right questions.

As I mentioned, she is brutally honest and therefore my gut feeling is that there is no one else locally. I can be wrong as well. She even took me to meet her uncle and aunt this weekend even though I was not interested. But she wanted me to meet her extended family as well. This is what confuses me. She is already texting me now and I didn't initiate it. I guess holding back is the best option for now.

Unfortunately, I can nearly guarantee you that a break-up is coming.

When we ladies lose sexual attraction, especially after only a year, it's essentially the kiss of death.

Give yourself a mental timeline so this doesn't drag on for too long. Don't reach out to her; let her initiate contact. Don't meet any more of her family. That's not fair to you when she's more or less told you that she isn't feeling it anymore.

Just an update on my situation

Went on the weekend with my gf but I could sense that she was not really into me any more. She planned the whole weekend away and was very friendly and chirpy.We had a good day in the spa and had a pretty good evening. I had also planned a surprise massage for Sunday as well. On Saturday evening, I tried to get intimate just to see her interest level and she basically avoided it pretty nicely. That was it for me as I was getting frustrated. Next morning she wasn't feeling that well and I asked her "It isn't happening. Is it?". She nodded and said "No". As expected I was devastated but not as much because I saw it coming. We both stayed in the hotel room for an hour and I was silent for a while. I shed a tear or two (Stupid Beta male characteristics) and she said that she wanted to cuddle me (probably to reduce the pain I was going through) but I refused it. Same topics came up again regarding being too nice, drinking to please people etc and then she starts crying.(I don't drink at all but sometimes take a drink to avoid social awkwardness especially with colleagues/clients and I have only done this three times in this one year relationship). I think the drinking aspect really puts her off. ( I think it makes me look like that I don't have a backbone). I said that I cannot be in any contact with her from now on and then she responded by saying that she would still like to check and see how I was doing. But again I refused to entertain that idea.

We go for our breakfast and I am just keeping quiet and cold. She is trying to initiate conversations but I am just acknowledging her and not really replying back. We go back to the room and I said that we need to leave now. My return flight home was in about 13 hours but I just couldn't be there any more. I then called the reception and cancelled the surprise massage infront of her. She then said "Maybe you need a massage" ( I mean - Do you know the state I am in right now?) She had the car so I was kind of stuck in her environment at this moment otherwise I would have left myself. We pack up and checkout and the drive back to her home/airport was 3 hours and I just knew that I cannot do this. I then asked her to drop me at the nearest train station which was about an hour drive. She then gets more emotional starts crying and says that she wants to drop me at the airport and not somewhere in the middle of a foreign country. I refused straightaway and got a bit annoyed. She again starts mentioning that I need to say things to her if I feel that they are wrong/basically be a bit more dominant. I am just annoyed at this stage and say that LDR needs a lot more effort from both sides and I am glad that she knows that what she wants in her life. She says that she still doesn't know what she wants and she doesn't know if this is the right decision. I am not even talking at this stage and few minutes later she says "Will you be walking in the city to pass your time?"(Another ). I am like what makes you think I would do that. We remain silent for rest of the journey and then arrive at the station. I get out of the car, take my bag and said "Thank you" and walk off. Jumped on a train and got to the airport and somehow got though those 12 hours (trust me they were tough). Got back and got a text from saying that she knows that i don't want contact but please let her know when I arrive home. My response was "I know you care but I cannot see you as friend right now. If you change your mind then you can contact me but anything else will just hurt". That was it and there has been no message/calls/skype for 5 days in a row. Did I acted weak during this period? I shouldn't have shed those tears because it makes me look weak but I just couldn't help myself at that moment.

Its been very very very tough 5 days for me especially with no friends around because of the new city.I have been spending a lot of time on my own which means I keep on digging through the details of our relationship and thinking where did I go wrong (although i know that my behavior-clingy,neediness, not assertive etc caused it). This was my first serious relationship so I guess I have a lot to learn. Even my colleagues are suspecting that something is wrong with me because my emotions are quite visible. I cannot let this affect my work though as I am on a very important project but can't seem to get her out of my head. I care a lot about this girl and still have strong feelings for her but I have to accept that I have to move on for me more than anything else. I will maintain the NC as that might be the only way to rekindle the feelings back.

I know social media doesn't matter a lot in these things but only today she removed our picture from her whatsapp profile (probably didn't realize). Still has pictures/relationship status of me on other social media platforms and I don't know why. Should I do the same and delete her pictures? I want her to initiate this because she was the one who wanted to break up and not me ?

Hi All,

Any feedback on my post above would be useful. Was I wrong with my actions? Thank you for your valuable time.

Sorry to hear this. You did the right thing by going no contact. It would be best to delete and block her from all social media. Don't worry about what she is or isn't doing, do whatever it takes to help you heal and move on.

I asked her "It isn't happening. Is it?". She nodded and said "No". I saw it coming. That was it and there has been no message/calls/skype for 5 days in a row. Should I do the same and delete her pictures?

Albie, I read your last post in admiration. There is not one bit of weakness in it, she sounds like the weaker one acting with guilt - if she sees you are OK, she will feel better. Why does she need to "mother"? That is controlling as we cannot ask for something negative and then expect everything to be OK so that we don't feel bad. We need to live and let live. You contained yourself wonderfully in your boundaries, rejected any kind of support coming from this guilt or "sympathy" (probably anxiety actually) and acted like a mature, confident person rejecting everything coming from a wrong place. Many other things may have happened inside you but from the outside, this is what a very confident person would do. And no, they would not necessarily assure the other person that they were OK with this all or react more dominantly. You didn't resort to childish stuff like not accepting reality (maybe she would think this is confident or dominant) or being very very negative. You gave her a good final goodbye. That's good enough. She thinks you are passive, she wants you to be more dominant, you also mention aggressive but you acted at the great medium (the healthiest) which is affirmative. Affirmative does not mean oozing self-confidence all the time. Here in your situation confidence probably means authenticity, being yourself and containing yourself there. Shedding a few tears is allright. Alpha males do that, men who survived extreme conditions like wars do that. Hiding that would probably be more insecure. Confidence or dominant do not mean being brash, more vocal etc. I don't know how anxious or needy you were before this but the departure was very mature. Kudos to you.

Albie, I read your last post in admiration. There is not one bit of weakness in it, she sounds like the weaker one acting with guilt - if she sees you are OK, she will feel better. Why does she need to "mother"? That is controlling as we cannot ask for something negative and then expect everything to be OK so that we don't feel bad. We need to live and let live. You contained yourself wonderfully in your boundaries, rejected any kind of support coming from this guilt or "sympathy" (probably anxiety actually) and acted like a mature, confident person rejecting everything coming from a wrong place. Many other things may have happened inside you but from the outside, this is what a very confident person would do. And no, they would not necessarily assure the other person that they were OK with this all or react more dominantly. You didn't resort to childish stuff like not accepting reality (maybe she would think this is confident or dominant) or being very very negative. You gave her a good final goodbye. That's good enough. She thinks you are passive, she wants you to be more dominant, you also mention aggressive but you acted at the great medium (the healthiest) which is affirmative. Affirmative does not mean oozing self-confidence all the time. Here in your situation confidence probably means authenticity, being yourself and containing yourself there. Shedding a few tears is allright. Alpha males do that, men who survived extreme conditions like wars do that. Hiding that would probably be more insecure. Confidence or dominant do not mean being brash, more vocal etc. I don't know how anxious or needy you were before this but the departure was very mature. Kudos to you.

Thanks for your feedback. At the beginning of our relationship, I was carefree, not needy and clingy at all. She came out from a long relationship (3 years) in which she was unhappy for nearly an year and finally had a big argument and broke up with her ex. I met her after 6-7 weeks from her break up while I was working in her country. As soon as we hit off ( in about 2 weeks time) I was sent back to a different project in my current country. I thought that this might not work at all between us but she was adamant that we can work it out. Both of us used to see each other every month and had daily skype calls. During the first few weeks, her ex used to message her and ask her to come back, sometimes he would send rude messages and she used to share it with me. But it never bothered me and I think that caused her attraction level for me to rise. I was different in the beginning and I can compare myself to the Albie of one year ago and there is a lot of difference. Towards the end I became a lot more needy, showed approval seeking behavior which drove her away in my opinion. She also started a new study couple of months ago and that caused her a lot of stress.

I had a small conversation with her last week, I was feeling much better and said that "do you want to try and work on repairing this relationship".She said she still doubts her decision but things might change when I move to her country but again she can't promise anything ( I am moving to her city for my current job in 3 months). I said that I cannot wait for her for three months. She either works on it now and or just assume that we are done forever. Even If I am in her city, I might not want to meet her because of the fear of getting hurt again. She said she accepts my stance on this and that was it. I felt much better about myself after that conversation and that's why I contacted her. I wanted to make sure that I tried to work on it and have no regrets later on. I don't have any regrets about myself now. I made mistakes and I know them which makes me feel more confident.

I think you need to consider this relationship as really over.

You need to get this silly "beta male" and "weak" fixation out of your mind. You are human. Showing emotion is natural and a woman who is in love with you isn't going to freak out and leave because you shed a tear during a difficult moment. That's not the reason she is ending things. She was already emotionally detached so you crying or not didn't make a difference in that regard.

It sounds to me like you two had some bigger incompatibilities, but that doesn't mean there is something fundamentally flawed with you. I agree it is important to express what you want and need, but you don't have to change and become someone else to please her. You two aren't looking for the same things anymore, and you were very wise to tell her you can't be in contact unless she reaches out to talk about reconciliation.

Thanks for your feedback. At the beginning of our relationship, I was carefree, not needy and clingy at all. She came out from a long relationship (3 years) in which she was unhappy for nearly an year and finally had a big argument and broke up with her ex. I met her after 6-7 weeks from her break up while I was working in her country. As soon as we hit off ( in about 2 weeks time) I was sent back to a different project in my current country. I thought that this might not work at all between us but she was adamant that we can work it out. Both of us used to see each other every month and had daily skype calls. During the first few weeks, her ex used to message her and ask her to come back, sometimes he would send rude messages and she used to share it with me. But it never bothered me and I think that caused her attraction level for me to rise. I was different in the beginning and I can compare myself to the Albie of one year ago and there is a lot of difference. Towards the end I became a lot more needy, showed approval seeking behavior which drove her away in my opinion. She also started a new study couple of months ago and that caused her a lot of stress.

 

I had a small conversation with her last week, I was feeling much better and said that "do you want to try and work on repairing this relationship".She said she still doubts her decision but things might change when I move to her country but again she can't promise anything ( I am moving to her city for my current job in 3 months). I said that I cannot wait for her for three months. She either works on it now and or just assume that we are done forever. Even If I am in her city, I might not want to meet her because of the fear of getting hurt again. She said she accepts my stance on this and that was it. I felt much better about myself after that conversation and that's why I contacted her. I wanted to make sure that I tried to work on it and have no regrets later on. I don't have any regrets about myself now. I made mistakes and I know them which makes me feel more confident.

Excellent. You left this with a comfortable feeling that you have given your best and there aren't questions in your mind about this. I think the next step would be to think about what made you lose your carefree self in this relationship and repair that thing in yourself. Again, kudos to you.