Stuck in family issues

I am starting to think I'm losing my mind! How can I really get over this and get on with life.

I am 47 years old, I'm a mother myself, and I would never, and have never treated any of my kids the way that my mom treated me and spoke to me, she acted completely the opposite to my siblings growing up, and to her grandchildren, and basically everyone else. Absolutely everyone thought I was crAzy when I started talking about the abuse, only one other person really knows besides the two of us, my older brother who won't associate with the family at all.

She has made it her life's work to layer on years of propaganda to add to the idea that I'm just crazy.

Meanwhile, when we're alone for a minute or two, she will make veiled references to exactly what it is, like she's mocking me for ever standing up for myself, and knows that her efforts to paint me this way have succeeded on some level when other people in the family seem to buy her malicious gossip about me.

How can she be so calculating and cruel?

I know I should leave them alone and quit participating, but, I'm so sad when I think both, that I will be taking my kids from their extended family, and that this will solidify in their minds that I am mentally unstable...which as you can guess, this situation is starting to make me believe it. If only because I can't seem to extricate myself from it?

Does anyone have any experience in this?

Yes, I have had experience with a crazy making mother. I can only say that yours is mentally ill......forgive them, because they know not what they do.

Did you then, just keep turning the other cheek?

Or, staying in the dynamics?

Did you then, just keep turning the other cheek?

Or, staying in the dynamics?

Let me rephrase, did you decide to just take it with a smile? How has that been? What happened?

There where times that I had periods of no contact with my mother for long periods of time. However, after my father died and she became aged I actually was her caregiver. She modified her behavior since she was dependent upon me, but what I had to endure I was able to endure "considering the source," so to speak. I actually came to know her toward the end of her life and be able to see beyond the craziness, I came to like her much more as a result. chi

That's pretty brave of you to take the caregiver role in that situation.

In a way, I'm happy for you to be able to see it retrospectively in positive way. On the other hand, I'm sorry that you have lost both parents. Maybe it's just a matter of time.

That's pretty brave of you to take the caregiver role in that situation.

In a way, I'm happy for you to be able to see it retrospectively in positive way. On the other hand, I'm sorry that you have lost both parents. Maybe it's just a matter of time.

Time heals all wounds sort of thing.

Sounds like my friends mother who I believe she calls "narcissistic". She doesn't want you, but she wants you and only then because you're her source of gaining sympathy and attention, whatever form that takes. I guess you need to ask if you want your kids to grow up in such a toxic environment and does it really matter that you don't see these people? Just because they're family doesn't make their actions right, acceptable or a reason for you to stick around. Life is short - you have to think of you and your children. Good luck. Hugs XX

Simple:

People like that are expert at gas-lighting. And yes it is cruel. Why does such a parent home in on one child? I suppose because they are crazy and deranged. The unfortunate thing is they can be so slick that others DO believe their lies and confabulations.

"Will I ever be good Enough" by Dr. Karyl McBride

Worth reading. And

Sounds like my friends mother who I believe she calls "narcissistic". She doesn't want you, but she wants you and only then because you're her source of gaining sympathy and attention, whatever form that takes. I guess you need to ask if you want your kids to grow up in such a toxic environment and does it really matter that you don't see these people? Just because they're family doesn't make their actions right, acceptable or a reason for you to stick around. Life is short - you have to think of you and your children. Good luck. Hugs XX

I'm sorry your friend has a similar experience, or anyone In the world for that matter, it's impossible, it seems, not to internalize the reality that your own mother hates you. And, I have never known anyone else who has a similar experience. Everyone has their traumas from childhood, it's true,but this is so subtle it's like most of the time I didn't even know until later how the poison was taking effect.

I am saying that, yes, I want to get away from it, but, it's very difficult and sad in a way that gets me to the core.

",but this is so subtle it's like most of the time I didn't even know until later how the poison was taking effect"

Unfortunately, hundreds out there like you, Simple.

Rapunzelmother

by Dr. Joseph Burgo

Simple:

 

People like that are expert at gas-lighting. And yes it is cruel. Why does such a parent home in on one child? I suppose because they are crazy and deranged. The unfortunate thing is they can be so slick that others DO believe their lies and confabulations.

 

 

Thanks for your acknowledgement, I don't know what else to say. I want to be someone who doesn't have this to deal with, I guess that means I fade away, and disappear from their lives. And be ready to defend this position, it's so important to them to keep me in this place of being their victim. And I don't want to be a victim anymore.

I'm sorry your friend has a similar experience, or anyone In the world for that matter, it's impossible, it seems, not to internalize the reality that your own mother hates you. And, I have never known anyone else who has a similar experience. Everyone has their traumas from childhood, it's true,but this is so subtle it's like most of the time I didn't even know until later how the poison was taking effect.

I am saying that, yes, I want to get away from it, but, it's very difficult and sad in a way that gets me to the core.

Sometimes there are no answers and rather than wonder and then wonder some more it's the best thing to just walk away. My friend has done that very recently and she said it's the best thing she's ever done. She is SO happy now (of course she's sad that she had to leave under such circumstances and that she felt like the bad guys had won and she was running away), has a new job and is beaming when I see her. Of course it's sad to think that your mother hates you - I can't even begin to imagine as I am incredibly lucky with both my parents - but that's part of the healing process - walking away and realising that it's not you, it's her. My friend said it's the subtlety that got to her as well. Little niggling things but in the end she had to leave for her own sanity. I would absolutely say that you should leave for the sake of your children... I guarantee they won't thank you for it in the future - they take in far more than we give them credit for and it's not healthy. Be well X

Thanks for the positive perspective! I definitely want to keep my kids from ever experiencing this, but they probably have more than I know. For their sake I will make this go from our lives.

My mother was not a nice person, she believed that females had no value, but males most certainly did. My brother was the good child, the one to be proud of. I, the girl, was just sort of there, barely tolerated. She was not a kind mother, she was a hitter and an accuser and basically a bitter person. She could appear very nice to those on the outside who would never believe she treated me, her daughter, so badly. But she did. Even as a small child I hated her. I used to try so hard to get her to like me, love me, but it never worked. Not once in my life did she tell me she loved me.

I left home at 18 because of her and she flipped out, how dare I do that? I didnt move back home. I struggled along for years til I got myself on track. I had a sort of bad truce with her, she was never pleasant to be around. She died at 89 and I still didnt like her at that point.

So, for you, you do what you have to do, only you can decide if you take yourself and your family out of this situation or if you put up with it for the sake of your kids. Nobody can decide this for you. I will say that leaving at 18 was a very smart thing for me to do.

There is just something wrong with these mothers. I hate the fact that so many other people have had this happen.

I am sorry that you did too. And thanks for mentioning that this is a personal decision.

I'm happy for you to be able to have found your answer earlier than I have.