Can't find agreement

My fiance's mom was killed by a drunk driver when he was eleven and since then he has been uncomfortable with a significant other drinking. I agreed to stop when we started dating and haven't done so for about 5 years. I told him that I now want to try it. We've met with a couples' therapist and pastor and have yet to come up with a solution.

At this point, my fiance is very hesitant about trying to let me drink. He said he most comfortable on occasions where it feels more appropriate (weddings, big celebrations, family gatherings). He is not comfortable with me drinking casually and more frequently. I feel like this is an issue he really needs help with and I'm frustrated. I understand that it may be a process to get past the trauma and whatever fears he has, but I think it's reasonable to ask him to work towards him be OK with me drinking. Would you want to work past this to allow your SO to drink? Or is that unreasonable?

Well, I think it's not an unreasonable request. I understand where he's coming from - a friend of mine has exactly the same issue with his wife going out in a car without him for the same reason as his sister was killed by a drunk driver. It sounds like you've been incredibly patient with him and it's very unfair to hold you to ransom over it. Ultimately, these are HIS demons, albeit somewhat justified and understandable, but he can't hold this against you. He needs to get help - howabout something like hypnotherapy, especially if it would help with anxiety issues as well as getting over the hurdle of "allowing" you to have a drink, or two. I think it's perfectly reasonable to for you to work towards having a drink. I guess he just needs to understand that not everybody drinks to get ratfaced and not everybody gets in a car afterwards. Good luck X

I think it's unfair on your fiancé. You knew drinking was a dealbreaker for him when you started dating and agreed to stop. It seems he made that clear.

So what's changed? I find it odd that you suddenly want to start casually drinking now.

It legitimately didn't cross my mind that there would come a time that I'd want to start drinking again. I think the only thing that changed is that I feel like I'm missing out. It's nice to meet up with good friends at a bar or someone's house to have a drink...same with family events. I didn't ask for awhile because I knew I had committed to it when we started dating so it took me awhile to ask him.

Ultimately, I just think that it's a reasonable request and that it can be possible for him to be comfortable with it.

I would skip past the "past trauma" model of thinking and just go with are a teetotaler and drinker compatible?

How important is it to you? Are you ok with occasional drinking like he is or do you need alcohol around to enjoy yourself? Why is this even an issue unless you want to be a heavy drinker?

He said he most comfortable on occasions where it feels more appropriate (weddings, big celebrations, family gatherings). He is not comfortable with me drinking casually and more frequently.

He doesn't drink at all and my drinking habits would only ever be occasional (i.e. I don't have the desire to drink everyday). I certainly don't ever see myself becoming a heavy drinking. Some weeks I may have a few drinks and then I could go weeks without having anything.

It legitimately didn't cross my mind that there would come a time that I'd want to start drinking again. I think the only thing that changed is that I feel like I'm missing out. It's nice to meet up with good friends at a bar or someone's house to have a drink...same with family events. I didn't ask for awhile because I knew I had committed to it when we started dating so it took me awhile to ask him.

Ultimately, I just think that it's a reasonable request and that it can be possible for him to be comfortable with it.

You can still do these things and not drink alcohol? Offer to be be designated driver and order virgin drinks or pop. Or if you really want o start drinking alcohol again you may need to accept that you guys aren't compatible.

If drinking is his dealbreaker it's unfair to force it on him. I think it's tricky because alcohol is so accepted in our society it seems like no big deal, but it obviously is to him.

Like I will never date a smoker or someone who does drugs, if my boyfriend suddenly started I would leave because it's against my core beliefs. Same situation here but with booze.

So what's the big problem that even couples' therapist and pastor can't resolve? Just drink occasionally since you state that's all you want and he's fine with that You did know he is a teetotaler so why date him no less get engaged if this is suddenly bothering you?

BTW, why do you already need a couples therapist? There Must be more issues than this clearly resolvable one (drink occasionally)

He doesn't drink at all and my drinking habits would only ever be occasional

Yeah, I understand the violation of beliefs, but in this case he doesn't think it's wrong to drink alcohol. If he did, then I think we never would've dated because that would create issues regarding what we intend to treat our kids, etc. He has emotional trauma related to this which is why I think it's possible for him to work through it.

Well, currently he's still not totally fine with occasional. The last time I went out with friends he was noticeablely sad and withdrawn when I saw him after I came home.

Yeah, I understand the violation of beliefs, but in this case he doesn't think it's wrong to drink alcohol. If he did, then I think we never would've dated because that would create issues regarding what we intend to treat our kids, etc. He has emotional trauma related to this which is why I think it's possible for him to work through it.

But does he want to work through it? It's fine for him not to want to be with someone who drinks due to his past trauma. It's also fine if you want to drink occasionally, you shouldn't be told wether or not you're "allowed" to or not.

But it is unfair for you to try to force him out of his beliefs and vice versa. That's really where it's just going to come down to compatibility.

Have you asked him if drinking is a deal breaker? What have your conversations around drinking been? Why is this coming up after 5 years? How's your communication regarding conflict and how you handle it?

Well, currently he's still not totally fine with occasional. The last time I went out with friends he was noticeablely sad and withdrawn when I saw him after I came home.

So you do drink now?

But, with all due respect, if he doesn't want to get help then there isn't much you can do about it. I know I would find it a struggle (if someone didn't like me drinking wine or eating crisps I would cry) but if it's going to be like this for the foreseeable future, then can you deal with that? Do you want to? In the grand scheme of things, it also comes to down to lifestyle choice (for you) but that's exactly what it is, a choice, and at the moment he's uncomfortable with you making it. You have to decide if you can live with that X

Maybe going to bars without him is the issue?

Well, currently he's still not totally fine with occasional. The last time I went out with friends he was noticeablely sad and withdrawn when I saw him after I came home.

It hasn't bothered me at all for the bulk of our relationship, but for whatever reason I just started to want to do it again.

He said he's willing to try to work through it, but also feels like me asking him to do it doesn't exactly feel like caring for him...like I'm prioritizing being able to drink over his feelings. We've gotten into fights about it, and also some more civil conversations.

I just always think if the roles were reversed I would jump at the opportunity to work through it for him, so I just can't understand why he won't. I want my partner to be able to feel like they can do what they want (within reason) in a relationship rather than feeling limited.

Barely. I asked him yesterday if it was OK that I have a drink at a family gathering. He said afterwards that it didn't make him feel good when I did it. So I hardly ever ask to do it.

But, with all due respect, if he doesn't want to get help then there isn't much you can do about it. I know I would find it a struggle (if someone didn't like me drinking wine or eating crisps I would cry) but if it's going to be like this for the foreseeable future, then can you deal with that? Do you want to? In the grand scheme of things, it also comes to down to lifestyle choice (for you) but that's exactly what it is, a choice, and at the moment he's uncomfortable with you making it. You have to decide if you can live with that X

It seems like such a dumb thing...to potentially see this issue as a "deal-breaker" when overall we have a good relationship, but it does really bother me. If we were to break up (I don't want to) it'd be so dumb to say it was over alcohol.

Maybe going to bars without him is the issue?

It's alcohol overall. Even if it was just he and I at home he wouldn't like it.

I feel like youre mostly thinking about you and not his thoughts or feelings...drinking is a trigger for a HUGE trauma for him.

What are some of your dealbreakers? How would you feel if he suddenly wanted to engage in whatever they are?

Maybe you should reconsider this engagement? You seem to have monumental power struggles over issues and nonissues alike and even create issues over which to have power struggles such as this situation. Is that why you need a therapist and a pastor?

But you are not, you are insisting on drinking more now 30;6650290] I would jump at the opportunity to work through it for him

It seems like such a dumb thing...to potentially see this issue as a "deal-breaker" when overall we have a good relationship, but it does really bother me. If we were to break up (I don't want to) it'd be so dumb to say it was over alcohol.

You're minimizing something that is huge for him! I bet it's not dumb in his mind.

I feel like youre mostly thinking about you and not his thoughts or feelings...drinking is a trigger for a HUGE trauma for him.

 

What are some of your dealbreakers? How would you feel if he suddenly wanted to engage in whatever they are?

THat's a good point. I don't have any triggers so it's hard for me to relate. The only thing that maybe a trigger is that I felt very uncomfortable about a female friendship he had. Initially I asked him to stop being friends with her, but I realized that I wanted him to have that friendship. I felt like I was willing to work through my feelings in order for him to be happy and have that friendship.

But you are not, you are insisting on drinking more now.

I hear what you're saying, but I guess since he said he realizes drinking isn't wrong and it's a normal desire, why wouldn't he want to work to get past the issues he has?

THat's a good point. I don't have any triggers so it's hard for me to relate. The only thing that maybe a trigger is that I felt very uncomfortable about a female friendship he had. Initially I asked him to stop being friends with her, but I realized that I wanted him to have that friendship. I felt like I was willing to work through my feelings in order for him to be happy and have that friendship.

Then that wasn't a dealbreaker. Seriously do some self reflection....what are things you could NOT tolerate in a relationship. Wether it's a behaviour (smoking, drugs, alcohol, unhealthy), lifestyle (being away from home a lot, relocating, shift work) or other (in laws living with you, religious beliefs, etc) and imagine he shrugged off your feelings and engaged in that. How would you feel? Would you feel heard and respected? Hurt? I don't think you're fully seeing this from his perspective.

But no-one died You're making a ridiculous comparison - suggesting that he should "allow" you to have your alcohol. Or maybe I'm wrong.....