Sexless Relationship - What Should I Do?

My partner and I have been together for 3 years and have a 1 year old son. Our sex life has never been great, but I mostly put that down to pregnancy and having a baby. Now we are at a point where we will have sex maybe 1-2 times a month if that. Our son sleeps 12 hours a night and I have plenty of energy so I wouldn't put it down to tiredness. When we do have sex he never makes an effort to please me, even though I have told him how it makes me feel on many occasions. He said he finds the idea of touching a woman down there 'weird'. I have tried on many occasions to initiate sex with dressing up, showering with him, sleeping naked, coming onto him, sending him pictures but I never get a reaction. I have tried showing him how to please a woman and what I would like him to do but after our initial conversation he never actually does it. It's got to the point where on the rare occasions when we do have sex I can't be bothered as I know I will be left dissatisfied.

I feel totally unsexy and a relationship without sex to me, is little more than a friendship. I truly believe he is not bothered about sex. I know he is not having an affair, and I know I am not totally unattractive as I do get attention in bars/clubs etc. I did consider at one point that he may be gay, but from the porn he used to watch it was always females. It has got to the point where I have considered sleeping with other people just so I can get some sexual attention. I know this sounds horrible, but I am only 22 and he is 23 and I am not sure I can live like this for much longer. I want to make things work for our son but I am not sure what else I can do.

He is intimate in other ways, he will kiss me and cuddle but rarely ever sex. He barely compliments me on my appearance or body. I just don't know what to do.

Any suggestions?

Eleanor. This is a sad situation.

"He said he finds the idea of touching a woman down there 'weird'.

What?! So how did you two manage to make that baby without touching down there.

"Our sex life has never been great," (three years)

So it isn't the pregnancy, as that only lasts nine months.

He's more of a just stick it in a finish guy. If I didn't complain that would be all that our sex life consisted of. He doesn't enjoy hand jobs or blow jobs either.

"He's more of a just stick it in a finish guy. If I didn't complain that would be all that our sex life consisted of. He doesn't enjoy hand jobs or blow jobs either."

But you went and married him anyhow......

Doesn't sound right, Eleanor.

To stick it in and finish, well, a rubber doll would do the same for him....

Well, we're not married but yes in hindsight it was silly being in a relationship with him for so long and then having a child together. But I thought initially he was just shy and I could help him to be more relaxed and try different things, but it never happened.

It has got to the point where I have considered sleeping with other people just so I can get some sexual attention.

I'd be telling him seriously that your sex life sucks and then setting up an appointment with a psycho-sexual therapist to get you both on the same libido page. He sounds a-sexual at best and not attracted to women (finds touching them "weird" saaaaay whaaaat?) at worst.

At your ages (even with a kid) you should be going at it like bunnies.

Our sex life has never been great

I was in a "sexless relationship" but you are having sex much more than I was in that relationship. We tried going to a sex therapist, which did help us, so I'd maybe recommend someone like that or couple's counseling, since you have a child together. It sounds like this is going to be a lot to fix, though, since it sounds like you are incompatible in how you show your love to each other. And this is going to keep causing you to resent him until he makes an effort to meet your needs.

Unfortunately it sounds more like he doesn't want to please you not that he doesn't know how. Stop all the talk and dress up and coming on etc. it's not working. Do not equate his disinterest/low drive with your worth/attractiveness, they are unrelated. Is he a heavy drinker/porn watcher?

He said he finds the idea of touching a woman down there 'weird'.

Unfortunately it sounds more like he doesn't want to please you not that he doesn't know how. Stop all the talk and dress up and coming on etc. it's not working. Do not equate his disinterest/low drive with your worth/attractiveness, they are unrelated. Is he a heavy drinker/porn watcher?

He used to be (what I would consider) a heavy porn user. He used to watch it most nights, for 2-3 hours at time. When I found out (around a year ago) I blocked all access to it on our computers, phones, iPad etc. so I doubt he is still watching it now as I have made it very difficult to access.

You mentioned porn, him watching females. Is he by any chance watching more porn instead of having sex with you?

How can he find a woman's juicy part weird? If hes straight I would think he would be all over it.

There has to be a reason. Maybe health problems?

Dead right, Rising.

Psychosexual problems for sure. Not his health.

Unfortunately it's most likely still the case that he prefers porn to you.

He used to be a heavy porn user. He used to watch it most nights, for 2-3 hours at time.

You mentioned porn, him watching females. Is he by any chance watching more porn instead of having sex with you?

 

How can he find a woman's juicy part weird? If hes straight I would think he would be all over it.

There has to be a reason. Maybe health problems?

He did actually go to the Doctors a few months ago as I had reached breaking point and they did blood tests etc. and said his levels of testosterone were completely normal so I don't think its a health problem in that regard. I have considered maybe depression or a mental health problem, but again when he visited the doctor they didn't think that it was an issue. They pretty much said just carry on and see what happens.

Unfortunately it's most likely still the case that he prefers porn to you.

That is a definite possibility, but in that case how could I fix that?

Pregnancy and a baby is certainly will not improve your sex life for sure, especially if that never was that great.

After having a baby you both change!!! Sometimes men see differently their partner after pregnancy...

I know my husband acted weird after I had my baby, I was suffering because of it, but finally after lot of talks I understood what was his problem...

So before you start an affair, just try to talk to him, give him time, don t force yourself on him, don t push him, just be natural and patient...

In our case also helped that we spend vacations just 2 of us, that is our honeymoon, with lots of great sex... I say until you love each other you should be able to find a way that work for both of you...

Unfortunately, you can't, despite thinking you covered the bases. He is not mentally ill or gay or sick, as you realize because the sex was never good and his comments about "down there". It's up to you whether you want to live a sexless life or not...he has no reason or incentive to change because he's still jacking off 3 hrs a night while you are left high and dry.

That is a definite possibility, but in that case how could I fix that?

Unfortunately, you can't, despite thinking you covered the bases. He is not mentally ill or gay or sick, as you realize because the sex was never good and his comments about "down there". It's up to you whether you want to live a sexless life or not...he has no reason or incentive to change because he's still jacking off 3 hrs a night while you are left high and dry.

I don't think he is doing that anymore, because more often than not he will spend the evening with me/in the same room as me and then we go to bed together. I don't want to live a sexless life, and part of me thinks that if we didn't have a child together I would have ended things months ago. But I want to exhaust every avenue before breaking up because if possible I don't want my child to grow up in a broken home.

I don't think he is doing that anymore, because more often than not he will spend the evening with me/in the same room as me and then we go to bed together. I don't want to live a sexless life, and part of me thinks that if we didn't have a child together I would have ended things months ago. But I want to exhaust every avenue before breaking up because if possible I don't want my child to grow up in a broken home.

Then go see your family doctor together (hopefully he'll go with you) and ask for a referral to a psychosexual counsellor. You both need tools to help you get on the same page and he needs help in getting over his aversion to feeling female genies.

Not many avenues left to be exhausted, are there, Eleanor.

The sex was never good, and aside from sticking it in and finishing, he doesn't like any other sexual endeavours. His problem, whatever, goes much deeper than just trying to go on a "honeymoon" trip together. Your last port of call may be a sexologist.

Also, the sexologist will eventually pry out of him where, back in time, he developed this aversion to the female genitals, to the point that he can't even touch you there.

And then there is this "avenue":

"Sexual aversion disorder may also be caused by religious or cultural teachings that associate sexual activity with excessive feelings of guilt".

Red flags I see here are...

Porn, which Im not a big fan of and 2 -3 hours at a time, even worst.

Another is not into the female part, cant figure out why.

I dont think you should leave him or cheat on him.

Instead try to find out whats wrong because something is def up here.

Thank you all for your advice. I have decided I am going to book us in to see a sex therapist, as a last resort to see if we can resolve this problem.

All the best with everything, Eleanor. It can't be easy for you.

Do you think he'll go? Does he think there's a problem?

I have decided I am going to book us in to see a sex therapist, as a last resort to see if we can resolve this problem.

Do you think he'll go? Does he think there's a problem?

I think he will go for me because I will push him too. He has said in the past that he 'doesn't see what the big deal is' and 'why am I so concerned about having sex', so I don't think he believes there is a problem. I genuinely think he believes there is nothing wrong with our relationship and he would be happy to carry on as we are.

"He has said in the past that he 'doesn't see what the big deal is' and 'why am I so concerned about having sex', so I don't think he believes there is a problem"

Unbelievable.

And

In his book Passionate Marriage sex therapist David Schnarch argues that both partners in a relationship need to stand up for themselves and learn to ask for what they want -- in the bedroom and outside it. Interestingly, separate equals exciting. Couples, Schnarch told one interviewer, "are usually locked together, emotionally fused. More attachment doesn't make people happier, and it kills sex."