Uncomfortable Question

I feel really uncomfortable even posting this, but I need help and advice from people I do not know.

I am a tutor who provides lessons in students' homes. Parents and siblings are always present or at home during the tutoring sessions. I have always been an upstanding, extremely conservative, extremely appropriate tutor. I am in my mid 20s, and I started teaching a teenage boy who is extremely gifted. A few months into the lessons, I realized that he is very attracted to me. I never encountered this problem before, and was not sure what to do. I also teach 3 of his siblings, so it is very much a package deal as far as my income, convenience for the parents, etc. I figured I could just ignore his crush and act as if nothing was wrong. However, he took a break from our lessons for the summer, and grew up a lot over the summer, as far as emotional maturity, and career/life goals. I did NOT want this to happen at ALL, but I found myself attracted to him also.

I feel awful about the whole thing. I love his family--they are such sweet, wonderful people. I would never do anything to hurt them or bring shame to their family. I can tell that the teenage boy is trying to get over his feelings for me, and acts very serious and controlled during the lessons. He is really trying to move on, which I think is mature and commendable. He knows I am unavailable to him and is trying to "be a man" and move on, so to speak. This is clear to me. But I can tell the feelings are not gone yet, by any means, and unfortunately mine are not either. I KNOW this situation is just the worst, and it would be completely wrong to act on it. So I don't need judgmental responses, so much as advice on how to move on and get over these feelings. I already know they are inappropriate; if I could magically make them go away, I would.

My other question is this. I know it would be completely inappropriate to act on the feelings at this point. But, are there any other teachers out there who have had experiences where they dated students several years later--when they were no longer students, and there would be nothing wrong about the situation?

It's upsetting, because this person has the exact same life values, religion, expectations for life, and perspectives on life that I do. He wants to have a similar career as mine--not because of me, but because he was interested in the field before we even met. I am worried that my feelings run deeper than just a flimsy crush, and that this will take some time to get over. It's not simply a physical attraction. I see qualities in this person that I would want to find in a partner or spouse. That is why I am so upset. I want to be completely respectful, and continue to keep proper boundaries as I have always done with our interactions. But I am wondering if there is any way to get rid of these feelings, or if I should have any kind of hope for a future many years down the road.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Nope, he's off limits. I didn't read anything but you cannot act on this. It could land you in prison.

Literally.

Leave the job if you want to act on it. This will save you from temptation.

Thanks for your reply. I already said I am not going to act on it, certainly not. I know the law and am not going to do anything illegal. Just wanted advice from others who have been in the same situation before.

As much as it sucks to hear this but be the adult in this situation! If you think he's compatible with you now just remember he's still a kid. He won't think the same when he is 20, or 25 or 30. Good luck with your situation!

Thanks for being compassionate, Crispiale! I never meant for this to happen, it just got thrown into my life. That's a good perspective--who knows what he would be like later in life anyway. Thanks again

You feel this attraction and have developed these feelings.

Ok.

So feel it, let it run through you, let it overwhelm you and fully accept them.

Then breathe and LET IT GO.

Realize that this is not right, its not for you, its not meant to be and its not your path.

The more you fight it, the more you will want it. I mean this for anyone, not just in this case.

Move away from this now and let it die. Let the feelings dissapear.

Grow from this and move on.

Then you will look back at all this and realize it was nothing.

I say this when feeling attraction to anyone in general and how to let it go when its not right for one or meant to be.

It may never pass completely BUT if you know 100% that you are not going to act on this then your mind should start to lose the focus on him. I think the problem here is that you are considering him for sometime in the future and that is what is keeping you attached right now. Its like being on a diet. Then you see a delicious cake that you want. If you are serious about your diet and committed to reaching your goal you will simply admire the cake, be regretful that you can't eat it then move on to other things. You won't stay focused on the cake, You won't stare at the cake, think about it etc. But if you try to make excuses that you can have the cake at some point, if you keep looking at it and imagining yourself having it, well....you are torturing yourself . You're keeping yourself attached.

My point is ....right now you like the boy, you're thinking maybe in the future you can be together, you're thinking this is so unfair as you have so much in common etc

What you should be thinking is....I like him, this will never happen, this is totally inappropriate. End of.

I have been in this situation with a married man I liked so much. He an his wife were both my friends. It could never happen . I didn't entertain it. I felt but I didn't feed it. It worked.

If you have enough self-control and discipline never to act on it, never to give the appearance of impropriety then you can tutor him -otherwise, it's not acceptable for you to keep this job. Yes, when he is no longer a minor and you no longer work for his family I don't see why you can't pursue something unless you are going to have to give him professional references for schools, etc (then you can't, you'd be too involved).

But I am wondering if there is any way to get rid of these feelings, or if I should have any kind of hope for a future many years down the road.

Hoping for a future down the road will not help you get rid of these feelings. It will just make your crush more intense.

He may seem perfect now, but he is a child. He will change a lot in the next 10 to 15 years. All of us do.

Let go of that hope.

I find it helpful to apply practicality to my emotions. In your case, I'd consider two lines of thinking. First, think of how easy it is to 'fall in love' with an infant or toddler--but you wouldn't envision someday becoming that child's mother.

I'd also consider the dismal limbo you'd need to live for years in order to 'wait' for this kid to grow up. How would you feel about putting your own life on hold for all of those years? Wouldn't you rather be long married and satisfied with your life by the time this child grows to independence?

Practicality can work wonders.

There's only one thing to remember ...... when you play with fire, you get burned.

I find it helpful to apply practicality to my emotions. In your case, I'd consider two lines of thinking. First, think of how easy it is to 'fall in love' with an infant or toddler--but you wouldn't envision someday becoming that child's mother.

 

I'd also consider the dismal limbo you'd need to live for years in order to 'wait' for this kid to grow up. How would you feel about putting your own life on hold for all of those years? Wouldn't you rather be long married and satisfied with your life by the time this child grows to independence?

 

Practicality can work wonders.

I like catfeeder's advice.

Also, it's helpful to remember that just because you feel something, doesn't mean you should act on it. Nor MUST you act on it. Time will pass for both of you and you can move on. It's okay to feel attracted, for both of you, it doesn't make you or him a bad or immature person. How you deal with those feelings is key. What defines you are your actions, not your feelings.

Stay strong.

I am a professional academic tutor. Be careful to treat him just as you do his siblings. If he's crushing on you, he will see every difference in treatment as "special." Do not dress for him. If you are crushing on him, you may want to look good when you get there ... don't. There is no need to torture the boy. They are already on hormonal overload. Do not give in to any part of the fantasy. Be clear. Do not speak in a way that would give him an opening or any indication of your feelings AT ALL. Focus on remaining 100% professional. Never mention "if you were older" or "when you are older." No mention of anything that would gt him pining for you rather than socializing with his peers, where he will ultimately date someone his own age.

You are the adult. It is not just a matter of not becoming physical with him. Be careful not to allow him to form an emotional attachment to you at all. You could ruin his life, literally. He could think of it as a waiting game, waiting until he is 18, putting his life on hold ... only to find when he reaches 18, you have moved on or the feelings aren't real or it's just not workable ... and he's wasted his high school years. Remember high school? Be careful not to steal that from him while you think you are being noble.

I had a gorgeous SAT Prep student a few years ago. I actually had a "pleasant" dream about him that caused a kind of crush. I understood it was not the boy I was crushing on, but the dream. You just have to shake it off, put on your professional face and do the job you are being paid to do. If you can't shake it off, you will have to give this client up. Do not think of a future with him. This is not real.