Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 15

Thread: Too old for this

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    4
    Gender
    Female

    Too old for this

    The Good

    We were each other's first love, remained close friends for decades, and fell deeply in love again one year ago. Now we are both in our early 60s, recently leaving long marriages with mostly-grown children. We are very compatible in values, goals, and lifestyle, though our differences can be challenging (he is a logical extrovert and I am an introverted idealist). The most promising aspect of our relationship is that we communicate well and often, work through our problems, and share honest and unprecedented intimacy.

    The Bad

    Obligations: He has a stable income, but is in debt because he hasn’t yet sold his family’s house, has dependents (ex and kids), and a lingering shopping addiction. He has not paid rent since moving in with me several months ago. I told him not to worry about it until he got out of debt, and he does pay for restaurants, recreation, and some travel. I have considerable savings and no debt. Our plan is to buy a house together when he finalizes his divorce and sells his former home this spring. I hesitate to mingle our finances, as I need to consider my security in retirement.

    Confusing behaviors: He is very outgoing when drunk and/or high and a few times he has disappeared when we go out to social gatherings, bars, or restaurants. He abandoned me without warning to go on brief but puzzling solo adventures with strangers. I prize courtesy and found this distressing.

    The Ugly

    History: He told me that he was sexually attracted to his oldest sister and once tried to seduce her when they were teenagers. She was flattered, but turned him down. He had consensual oral sex with his other sister once when they were in their 20s. This ended in him being “disgusted that she was enjoying it so much. He was deeply ashamed and confided in me to give me a chance to get out of the relationship early on. At first, I was sick about hearing this. Eventually, I decided that I could get past it all, because he assured me that he has done nothing similar since, and never would again.

    Heartbreaking confession: He told me that he thinks about other people while making love with me if he can’t otherwise reach orgasm. He said he told me because he wanted to be truthful and see how I felt about it (terrible).

    Though he wants to marry me, says he is ready for our new life, and plans to change some habits (laziness, drinking and getting high), I wonder if he needs time to be single and work through a mid-life crisis. How can I find the courage to commit in this relationship, when I find it difficult to trust him? Will my self esteem and respect endure trying to accept him “as is” while facing my insecurities, uncomfortable around his sisters, and wondering who he is thinking about during sex? Any advice will be considered gratefully. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Age
    40
    Posts
    46,969
    welcome to ENA.

    Heartbreaking confession: He told me that he thinks about other people while making love with me if he can’t otherwise reach orgasm. He said he told me because he wanted to be truthful and see how I felt about it (terrible).
    That sounded unnecessarily cruel. Maybe he said it poorly but like - I don't understand why he said it the way he did and why he wanted to see how you "felt" about it, unless he was fishing to see if you'd be interested in a 3some or group sex or being a swinger or something...?

    anyway - I agree with your title - you are too old for this (no offense!) You sound like a nice woman and I don't think you need a man who is going to leave you at a party, going off and getting high and drunk with strangers, while not paying rent and is still entangled with his unfinished business from his last marriage.... blah.

  3. #3

    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    4
    Gender
    Female
    Thank you for the welcome and advice. Painful as it is to consider because my heart wants him, I can see your perspective and truly appreciate it. I will talk with him about my needs and fears and hope for clarity.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,506
    Gender
    Female
    Dont marry him anytime soon, he's doing a lot of things that really bother you and there's no reason to believe he will actually stop those things and become more of the type of person you want. You sound mature and sensible and he seems like he's having a mid life crisis or something like that, that he needs to get out of his system. Dont join your bank accounts, keep your money separate, as there is no guarantee this is going to work out for you the way you would like.

  5.  

  6. #5

    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    4
    Gender
    Female
    Thank you so much for your objective advice. I needed that... and will heed it.

  7. #6
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Massachusetts
    Posts
    17,082
    Gender
    Female
    Sorry I can't be of any help, but I'm speechless.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    Posts
    10,401
    Run for the hills, woman.

    Sex with a sibling? Oh, hale no. He's a couple fries short of a Happy Meal.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Hermes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Ireland
    Posts
    5,497
    Gender
    Female
    Like Heart, I am utterly at a loss for words, and that doesn't happen to me too often.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    39,151
    Gender
    Male
    Unfortunately there are a lot of red flags here that are not likely to change. Don't let being lonely make you blind to a problem drinker who is not even divorced yet and is living off of you. The other perverted stories were to "be honest" or to give you TMI and help you run?
    Originally Posted by ttimeofthesoul
    He has not paid rent since moving in with me several months ago.
    when he finalizes his divorce and sells his former home this spring.
    He is very outgoing when drunk and/or high and a few times he has disappeared when we go out to social gatherings

  11. #10

    Join Date
    Sep 2016
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    4
    Gender
    Female
    Thank you very much for your input. I can't believe how much I needed to hear it. I am working on self-worth issues. Best to all.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Videos


Why Young People Don't Rush To Marry? They Fear Divorce

Why People Lie On Online Dating Services?

Relationships During Quarantine

Cheating Husbands Are at Risk of a Heart Attack

Romance At Work: Yes Or No?

How To Overcome A Divorce
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •