Too old for this

The Good

 

We were each other's first love, remained close friends for decades, and fell deeply in love again one year ago. Now we are both in our early 60s, recently leaving long marriages with mostly-grown children. We are very compatible in values, goals, and lifestyle, though our differences can be challenging (he is a logical extrovert and I am an introverted idealist). The most promising aspect of our relationship is that we communicate well and often, work through our problems, and share honest and unprecedented intimacy.

 

The Bad

 

Obligations: He has a stable income, but is in debt because he hasn’t yet sold his family’s house, has dependents (ex and kids), and a lingering shopping addiction. He has not paid rent since moving in with me several months ago. I told him not to worry about it until he got out of debt, and he does pay for restaurants, recreation, and some travel. I have considerable savings and no debt. Our plan is to buy a house together when he finalizes his divorce and sells his former home this spring. I hesitate to mingle our finances, as I need to consider my security in retirement.

 

Confusing behaviors: He is very outgoing when drunk and/or high and a few times he has disappeared when we go out to social gatherings, bars, or restaurants. He abandoned me without warning to go on brief but puzzling solo adventures with strangers. I prize courtesy and found this distressing.

 

The Ugly

 

History: He told me that he was sexually attracted to his oldest sister and once tried to seduce her when they were teenagers. She was flattered, but turned him down. He had consensual oral sex with his other sister once when they were in their 20s. This ended in him being “disgusted that she was enjoying it so much. He was deeply ashamed and confided in me to give me a chance to get out of the relationship early on. At first, I was sick about hearing this. Eventually, I decided that I could get past it all, because he assured me that he has done nothing similar since, and never would again.

 

Heartbreaking confession: He told me that he thinks about other people while making love with me if he can’t otherwise reach orgasm. He said he told me because he wanted to be truthful and see how I felt about it (terrible).

 

Though he wants to marry me, says he is ready for our new life, and plans to change some habits (laziness, drinking and getting high), I wonder if he needs time to be single and work through a mid-life crisis. How can I find the courage to commit in this relationship, when I find it difficult to trust him? Will my self esteem and respect endure trying to accept him “as is” while facing my insecurities, uncomfortable around his sisters, and wondering who he is thinking about during sex? Any advice will be considered gratefully.

welcome to ENA.

 

Heartbreaking confession: He told me that he thinks about other people while making love with me if he can’t otherwise reach orgasm. He said he told me because he wanted to be truthful and see how I felt about it (terrible).

That sounded unnecessarily cruel. Maybe he said it poorly but like - I don't understand why he said it the way he did and why he wanted to see how you "felt" about it, unless he was fishing to see if you'd be interested in a 3some or group sex or being a swinger or something...?

 

anyway - I agree with your title - you are too old for this (no offense!) You sound like a nice woman and I don't think you need a man who is going to leave you at a party, going off and getting high and drunk with strangers, while not paying rent and is still entangled with his unfinished business from his last marriage.... blah.

Thank you for the welcome and advice. Painful as it is to consider because my heart wants him, I can see your perspective and truly appreciate it. I will talk with him about my needs and fears and hope for clarity.

Dont marry him anytime soon, he's doing a lot of things that really bother you and there's no reason to believe he will actually stop those things and become more of the type of person you want. You sound mature and sensible and he seems like he's having a mid life crisis or something like that, that he needs to get out of his system. Dont join your bank accounts, keep your money separate, as there is no guarantee this is going to work out for you the way you would like.

Thank you so much for your objective advice. I needed that... and will heed it.

Sorry I can't be of any help, but I'm speechless.

Run for the hills, woman.

 

Sex with a sibling? Oh, hale no. He's a couple fries short of a Happy Meal.

Like Heart, I am utterly at a loss for words, and that doesn't happen to me too often.

Unfortunately there are a lot of red flags here that are not likely to change. Don't let being lonely make you blind to a problem drinker who is not even divorced yet and is living off of you. The other perverted stories were to "be honest" or to give you TMI and help you run?

He has not paid rent since moving in with me several months ago.

when he finalizes his divorce and sells his former home this spring.

He is very outgoing when drunk and/or high and a few times he has disappeared when we go out to social gatherings

Thank you very much for your input. I can't believe how much I needed to hear it. I am working on self-worth issues. Best to all.

All I can say TimeofSoul is: act with great caution and take care of yourself.

No offense, but the guy sounds depraved. I'd be afraid to sleep with him, let alone get into a lifelong commitment with him.

Hi,

 

My mom is 71 and her boyfriend 70 and they've been together for many years at this point. He is stubborn, doesn't like gays, drinks in EXCESS when he does drink, used to smoke cigarettes, has a strained relationship with his daughter, and can be irresponsible about his health, like not go to the doctor when he needs to. He has COPD and emphysema. He also has lots of stories about how he would womanize in his youth. My mom on the other hand is a health conscious liberal open minded person who used to get incredibly frustrated with him. But she's learned to back off of what she can't change, enjoy her life of her own friends hobbies and me(her daughter), let her frustrations happen and enjoy the time she has with him.

 

No kidding about unprecedented intimacy. He tells you everything, huh? That's weird about his sister, sure, and sure, it might be worth getting over and dealing with the discomfort of seeing his sisters/avoiding them at family gatherings.

But being disgusted at that aspect of it - his sisters enjoyment- tells me he may not have had the guts to confront or at least own his own issues that caused him to participate. What about why he did it? What about his reaction? He doesn't have to go into detail, but owning it would maybe suffice. I dunno.

 

On the other hand, I agree with annie24. What the hell was he thinking when he told you that? That's some serious immaturity and no one deserves that. I guess it's one of those things everyone does though, once in a while....but you don't talk about it!! At least be comforted knowing that it's really normal and common and has nothing to do with your attractiveness but rather people's drive for variety.

 

The rest I'll leave a story about my dad: my dad and mom are obviously divorced. My father is the most difficult man I've ever encountered. He is brilliant (he's an artist and he does math stuff) but He's illogical, emotionally immature, contradictory, irresponsible with money, selfish. He also is a yeller, he screams terrible things during tantrums. Addicted to shopping for model airplanes and eating. Anyways, I grew up worried about him and accepting that he would die alone (he was overweight) and unhappy and with a strained relationship with me.

 

Ok....so about 10 years ago he married my stepmom, whom I love to death, loves him, has gone through hell and high water with him but has dragged him to therapy and he HAS made some changes. He's let her take over finance stuff and listens to her. He may not be strong in that department but she is so its ok. Also, she cooks, etc. it may seem like an unbalanced relationship but they love eachother and it doesn't matter at the end of the day. I'm just saying, some of those things you mentioned might be workable......but, there will always be problems.

 

Good luck!

Is this an INFJ ENTP match? If so please don't ignore his red flags because you read them as part of his flamboyant type. He has serious issues whatever his type is. If you feel comfortable with the way he perceives the world, please try to find a healthier version of those filters.

 

With this long history of impulsivity, he may have a personality disorder.

 

My ultimate fear is that this may be a borderline who is mirroring you right now but has started to show other aspects of his personality as well. The contradiction between wanting to marry you, saying that he feels ready for the new life but at the same time openly telling you that he thinks of other people during sex is worrying. (At this age, he should well know that this is a very hurtful thing to say and honesty does not exclude empathy, where is empathy in this?) There is something in borderline men that is akin to a boyish charm that some extroverted types may exhibit, but soon you realize that you are interacting with someone who is emotionally 3 to 6 years old. Again, they commonly "confess" stuff like you have written about their past. Soe of it is made up, some of it is not. Also, they speak about themselves and their world in very open ways that may be mistaken for emotional avalability especially after a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable. Their openness and honesty is seen as something to be longed for and cherished but there comes a time when you badly realize that honesty does not mean "not crazy."

 

Whatever this is, I think he is subconsciously testing the waters to see how solid a rock you may be for him and your calm, understanding reactions may give him the feeling that he can be his impulsive self with you to a good degree and you will be there for him. Then other behaviours may show up. I also think he may be misinterpreting your introverted idealism and inevitable diligence in approaching the world from a power dynamic. I would say, at the moment he is relating to you like to a primoridal mother but not as someone he is afraid of losing due to egalitarian attraction reasons - how can he have the face to say to someone that he thinks of other people during sex and at the same time talk about marriage? Why is he not afraid of immediate possible rejection here as any sane person would do? What is the reason for this entitlement in your dynamic? Is it him or both of you?

Wow.

 

My advice would be to leave this relationship straight away. It feels as though he is testing you with these comments. How much will she accept? What would I have to do for her to leave me?

 

I think that is why he is saying it before you get married. I hope you don't marry him. What would he need to say for you to think it was too Much? I think you should consider what things he will say after you are Married.then of course he could always come back with 'well you knew this before we married so why aren't you accepting now'.

 

As others have said, where's the empathy? How could telling you what he is thinking during sex actually help you? It's not there, he doesn't care about that... he cares about how much you would take and how far he can push it.

 

Finally.... you deserve someone to be thinking about YOU and only you during sex.

 

Trust your instinct, you know this is all wrong, that's why you're here.