help! gf texting her ex

First time poster but I really need some advice. About ten months ago I started dating a girl from work. She was with another guy when we met (they'd been together about nine years) and a couple of months after we met she finished things with him. We got together a week later and have been together ten months. We've done a lot in that time. Been on a couple of vacays, met each other's folks, said we love each other. She moved in with me maybe five months into our relationship. I think things are going well.

But ... I recently found out that she's been texting her ex for about five months. I've seen the messages and they're just general chats about how are you etc but they're all initiated by her. She texts him about once every four weeks. They haven't met since the break up and I know that he stopped trying to contact her about seven months ago as soon as he found out about me.

What do you guys think?

I think she ran into a relationship with you too fast before ending things properly with the man she was with before she met you and she has not healed completely and is missing him.

Thanks for replying. I worry that as she's starting the conversations, six or seven of them now, that she still has romantic feelings for him. A couple of people have thought OUR relationship moved very fast, moving in etc.

I worry that I'm a rebound.

She could be throwing him bread crumbs.

You could always sit down and talk to her and ask her straight out why she wants to remain in contact with him and if she has any left over feelings. Hopefully if she's honest with you, you'll find out the truth. Though you should keep in mind that they were together for 9 years..that's not something one can easily forget or move on from.

Its called being the rebound dude. She got with you a week after breaking up with someone she was with after 9 years... How could it be anything but?

Looks to me like she isn't over him. Get out of there, this will only get messy.

She could be throwing him bread crumbs.

I'm not disagreeing, but why would she? She moved in with me after 5 months, we've been on vacay together ... We've been together ten months! She didn't start contacting him until 5 months after we got together!

Its called being the rebound dude. She got with you a week after breaking up with someone she was with after 9 years... How could it be anything but?

 

Looks to me like she isn't over him. Get out of there, this will only get messy.

Rebound? Getting together straight after him? Moving in with me? Posting on fb that a month after we started that her life has never been better? That sounds like a rebound?

Unfortunately a lot of rebound relationships are too much too soon, just like this... But as soon as you moved in together at 5 mos is when she started missing him more, but he doesn't sound too interested in her breadcrumbs. It looks like she needs a lot of attention and drama.

She moved in with me maybe five months into our relationship. ... I recently found out that she's been texting her ex for about five months.

Unfortunately a lot of rebound relationships are too much too soon, just like this... But as soon as you moved in together at 5 mos is when she started missing him more, but he doesn't sound too interested in her breadcrumbs. It looks like she needs a lot of attention and drama.

You think she wants him back?

How did you find out she was texting him and why was she not telling you about it?

also what is the point, if there is no substance to the text then whats the point of talking to him?

also who is texting who, is she texting him or is he texting her.

Since she initiates everything and it's just nonsense texts it sounds like she's trying to "be friends" with him and he's not having it.

You think she wants him back?

Its called being the rebound dude. She got with you a week after breaking up with someone she was with after 9 years... How could it be anything but?

 

Looks to me like she isn't over him. Get out of there, this will only get messy.

(My input to this is)

I'm in a similar situation and not sure what to do myself. I saw more exclusive messages between them around the holidays last year. He claims he doesn't talk to her. But he has all kinds of pass codes on his phone. It could be for the reason he gave me or it also could be because of talking to her or him doing something behind my back. He told me that she trash talks all the time. I never heard that statement before but he claims it is when she drinks. I just don't know what to do

Rebound? Getting together straight after him? Moving in with me? Posting on fb that a month after we started that her life has never been better? That sounds like a rebound?

Yes, it's called overcompensating. I'm sorry but there is no way that you're fully over a 9 year relationship in 1 week. She may have been able to push the feelings down for the first 5 months but eventually they surface and she has to deal with it.

Why did you think this was a good idea? Most people know to not get involved with someone fresh out of a relationship and also most people know that moving in together after 5 months is a bad idea.

This situation screams rebound.

Rebound? Getting together straight after him? Moving in with me? Posting on fb that a month after we started that her life has never been better? That sounds like a rebound?[/QUOTE]

 

Well, yes. That's exactly what a rebound sounds like, actually.

 

People that rush into a relationship after having left a long one are often doing so to fill the void left by their exes. They're not diving in to the new relationship for the right reasons, so to speak. They are suddenly single and wanting to have that companionship and connection again, so they go through the motions of meeting the new love's families, going on couple holidays, moving in, proclaiming their love very early and publicly - all to fill a gap left by the previous partner. For some, it's a (flawed) coping mechanism to mask the pain of losing their ex. Trying to recapture what they've lost, in a way.

 

Not all people who leave long relationships are pursuing rebounds. Some have truly done their grieving by the time they actually pull the plug on the relationship. But those are the people who aren't generally reaching out to their exes regularly, either. The fact that she is initiating and that you've apparently already had a bad feeling she's still not over him, suggest she's waking up and realizing she misses him.

 

You need to talk to her and have a very honest conversation. There's a reason she's continuing to contact him; she needs to be honest with you about her feelings.

How did you find out she was texting him and why was she not telling you about it?

 

 

also what is the point, if there is no substance to the text then whats the point of talking to him?

 

 

also who is texting who, is she texting him or is he texting her.

She is texting him. He never initiates and he's always polite and friendly (I'll be honest, I don't know the guy, but from what I gather he did some sincere but low key asking to talk after the break up - a few texts, a letter, an email, no drama - my understanding is that he sent a polite text as soon as he found that she was seeing someone, wished her well and backed off).

I found out because she and I live and work together now, so there's not a bunch of time that we're apart. She text him last week and he answered back around four hours later, when she was with me. She says she hasn't mentioned it because he's not important.

I kinda agree with things moving fast. Sometimes things just feel right between two people and depending on ages it could be a good thing or on the other hand with someone who has a fresh ex it could be a bad thing. My boyfriend has been divorced from his ex for almost 3 years and the messages I have noticed are them talking about starting over. Around the holidays I saw where she wanted to come up and spend the holiday here to see their son open presents since she told him he could have him for xmas. It didn't happen. But in the convo he said he might have snuck down to see what would have happened. And she said she was hoping to share a bed with him. I don't know if I should say something to him that I know what was said back then. He claims he doesn't talk to her. But when his son got in his phone he showed me that she sent him a pic of her clit. And he claims he always has a hard one for her... I'm just so confused cause he says he is happy with me and have been talking about getting married. He was talking to her like this back from November to January. ... they talk peiodically but they do have a son together.... I told him time and time again that I don't trust her. He also told me that she moved like 2 hours away and at the moment we are sharing a vehicle so I take him to and from work.... I told him she can always come up to his work, he lied to me the first time around and told me he cheated on me (but didnt) by telling me he would say he had work but instead meet up with the girl...... he said that was a lie and he would never do that. But it still sticka in my head which makes me think she could be coming up and they do whatever. He has been complaining about money being low he had to dip into his saving cause of money going towards other things. I'm wondering if he isn't paying for a hotel for when he says he has work and actually has someone picking him up

I just don't know what to think or do. He isn't showing any other signs other then him having pass codes on his phone

Yes, it's called overcompensating. I'm sorry but there is no way that you're fully over a 9 year relationship in 1 week. She may have been able to push the feelings down for the first 5 months but eventually they surface and she has to deal with it.

 

Why did you think this was a good idea? Most people know to not get involved with someone fresh out of a relationship and also most people know that moving in together after 5 months is a bad idea.

 

This situation screams rebound.

I didn't KNOW they'd been a couple when we started seeing each other. I found out since that, after she text him that they were over, she spent the next six weeks (the period before he found out about her seeing someone and was still chasing) ignoring his attempts to contact (two or three texts, a letter, an email). Apparently she never responded once (I actually believe this) and didn't contact him until maybe five months into our relationship.

I will talk to her, but I want to think it through first. Is it possible she still loves him? Wants him back? I know they haven't met yet but six or seven conversations in, I wonder if that's what she's leading up to, asking him for coffee or something.

They may have feelings that won't go away. I mean I saw messages between my boyfriend and this ex that I think he is secretly talking to him saying that she is his love and that won't change. But the other day he told me that he loves me and the way he feels about me won't ever change. So it's like he is playing both of us. He claims he doesn't talk to her anymore but back in August he texted her and deleted them so he is hiding something. I was monitoring his phone and for some time I didn't see anything. So I don't know if it when we get in an argument he messages her. But he does have a son with her. So I just don't know about them. I don't trust them alone together

I didn't KNOW they'd been a couple when we started seeing each other. I found out since that, after she text him that they were over, she spent the next six weeks (the period before he found out about her seeing someone and was still chasing) ignoring his attempts to contact (two or three texts, a letter, an email). Apparently she never responded once (I actually believe this) and didn't contact him until maybe five months into our relationship.

 

I will talk to her, but I want to think it through first. Is it possible she still loves him? Wants him back? I know they haven't met yet but six or seven conversations in, I wonder if that's what she's leading up to, asking him for coffee or something.

I'm bumping this thread in the hope of hearing some more perspectives and experiences, especially females. I'm keen to know if this sounds like she still has feelings for him or if she wants him back but doesn't know how to ask because his texts are no more than friendly.

Talking to her might cause more problems between you and him. It might push him to her. My boyfriend says when I keep bringing his ex up it brings back thoughts and feelings that he doesn't want of her. And I am also tempted to talking to his ex but not sure what good that would do. I talked to his mom about it and she is quite friendly with his ex. I don't like how close they are but that's up to his mom. I am wanting to get her intentions but his mom from what his ex told her that she doesn't want to get back with him.

Talking to her might cause more problems between you and him. It might push him to her. My boyfriend says when I keep bringing his ex up it brings back thoughts and feelings that he doesn't want of her. And I am also tempted to talking to his ex but not sure what good that would do. I talked to his mom about it and she is quite friendly with his ex. I don't like how close they are but that's up to his mom. I am wanting to get her intentions but his mom from what his ex told her that she doesn't want to get back with him.

That's a consideration. That's why I'm trying to get some perspectives from you guys!

And I'm sorry things are so tough for you.

Why can't you communicate this concern to her?

I'm keen to know if this sounds like she still has feelings for him or if she wants him back but doesn't know how to ask because his texts are no more than friendly.

Why can't you communicate this concern to her?

I will, but I feel it's important and useful to get some outside perspectives before I do that. I feel that it'll be a make or break discussion, so I want some potential insight into what she MIGHT be thinking.

It's important to ask yourself if you are looking for reasons to break up or if you feel threatened by this. You will get the answer "we're just friends" of course. Are you worried about revealing that you were reading her private conversations?

I will, but I feel it's important and useful to get some outside perspectives before I do that. I feel that it'll be a make or break discussion