Ex is too nice - makes it harder to forget him

i broke up with my BF of 5 years due to our conflicting characters. we ended things amicably and peacefully.

 

even till the end he was still so nice to me. he said that we could be friends and that he would be there for me if i needed him. this makes it hard for me to go through NC.

i keep thinking that he will still be there for me when i needed someone to talk to. (i have always been very dependent on him in the RS)

 

i did talk to him after we broke up and he mentioned that the break up did happen and that he knew it is hard for me. that it is hard for him too. but i have to try to get through it. also when i text him, he still always reply me.

 

please help me. i need strength to go through NC. to give him the space that he needs.

 

today is the 6th day since we broke up - i have managed to go through NC for 2 days now. i am still holding on to the hope that he will maybe change his mind because he is so nice to me.

- i have managed to go through NC for 2 days now. i am still holding on to the hope that he will maybe change his mind because he is so nice to me.

 

I am confused , you said you broke up with him , so why are you waiting for him to change his mind .

It's not going to be easy getting over someone you were with for five years. You've only been broken up for six days now!

 

It's VERY good you ended things peacefully. That being said, you two broke up for a reason. You have to both stand your ground and work to disconnect from one another's lives. I know he's nice and means well, but he's NOT your boyfriend anymore. You have to stand your ground and initiate "no contact". That means blocking him on social media, blocking his calls, text messages, everything. Just end it. And you don't have to explain to him why or anything, just do it. He will get the message. You have to totally cut him OUT of your life. Because as long as there is a loose end, then things (including your feelings) are going to drag on for god knows how long.

 

When you've ended relationship with someone whom you were that serious with, it's best to cut the friends crap. You two can't be friends right now because this breakup is far too recent. And most people are better off not EVER being friends after a breakup, it brings up too many mixed feelings and emotions. It will get easier, but you have to stop this.

 

i am still holding on to the hope that he will maybe change his mind because he is so nice to me.

 

Stop holding on to feelings and things for him. Let it go. Just block contact with him. It's so easy, but people make up every excuse in the world to not do it. It's your life and happiness on the line. If you ever wanna move on and find that real special someone who will be even better than this guy and more compatible for you, then you have to not cave in to this kind of stuff.

I am confused , you said you broke up with him , so why are you waiting for him to change his mind .

i agree! you broke up with him, so why give him space he needs and hope he'll change his mind? doesn't make sense

i agree! you broke up with him, so why give him space he needs and hope he'll change his mind? doesn't make sense

 

we maybe read it in the wrong context ..*they split as opposed to she ended it , I think .

 

Anyway whatever way round it all is op the advice is the same , you have to do what you know you have to do and stop using him as a crutch still . It is hard when you split with someone who you leant on , who you talked things through with , who helped you and advised you , but that is usually the case for us all . It wouldn't be a partnership if it wasn't like this . Like running a business with someone , if one person bails on you , you are suddenly left with everything to deal with on your own and that is how it feels when a relationship ends. My last ex was very supportive and a very well read man on alsorts of subjects and also had a life time of experience under his belt , so he was my go to person , he was my shoulder to cry on and he was able to diffuse me . When that goes you feel lost and alone , but I am afraid that is something you just have to wade through one step at a time .

 

At some point , if you carry this on , it is going to end in a bad and bitter way .You are better off walking away now before it destroys you , because it will . He is being nice and trying to do the right thing by you , by offering the hand of friendship still , but sooner or later you will become an annoyance , if he meets someone you will pick up on all this and be destroyed ....at some point you will have to walk away and just accept this . Whether you do that now or later is up to you .

It's nice you ended amicably but you can not cry on each other's shoulders about what you did to yourselves, makes no sense. What where his reasons for needing space/breaking up?

 

He offered the friendzone to let you down easy, that's quite common. However he did reaffirm that's it's a breakup so don't feel strung along by his being amicable about it.

he said that we could be friends. i did talk to him after we broke up and he mentioned that the break up did happen and that he knew it is hard for me. to give him the space that he needs. i am still holding on to the hope that he will maybe change his mind because he is so nice to me.

My ex of 2 months was incredibly sweet and endearing to me.

When we did communicate he would say how much he loved me and that he had `lost his world when he lost me'

For that very reason, I told him I couldn't talk to him any more and I haven't.

We are not reconciling and hearing all those sweet comments messed with my head even more.

It might have been easier had he been a jerk about it. At times I wished he had.

 

But in the long run it's better. We are both decent adults and even though we loved each we weren't meant to be together.

 

It's a lesson I learned sometime ago. You can recognize that even though you love someone, it doesn't mean you are right for each other.

 

It's still new for you and no doubt you are having all sorts of intense thoughts and emotions.

Just give it some time and space and you will be able to be more objective.

sorry guys, i may have not articulated it well. we broke up.. he initiated it and i agreed that it was probably for the best. although i still do hope that maybe we could work things out. but for now, i will just concentrate on getting better for myself after reading all of your replies. thank you so much guys!

At some point , if you carry this on , it is going to end in a bad and bitter way .You are better off walking away now before it destroys you , because it will . He is being nice and trying to do the right thing by you , by offering the hand of friendship still , but sooner or later you will become an annoyance , if he meets someone you will pick up on all this and be destroyed ....at some point you will have to walk away and just accept this . Whether you do that now or later is up to you .

 

 

thank you Pippy! you put out in words what i have been feeling, but which im trying not to face. i have been wavering between shock and denial the past few days. denial, that if maybe i dint think of it, i may make believe myself into thinking that it dint happen.

 

reading this makes me hopeful, Pippy. Hopeful that i can stand up on my own two feet to get through this. i will stop clinging on to the fact that he will change his mind, just becauase 'he is nice'.

 

i do wish sometimes that i have a reason to be angry at him cos maybe that would have been easier? i still think a lot of all the good that he has done for me and i just suddenly cant think of why we broke up in the first place!

yeah.. he meant well when he said the we could still be friends and that he would be there for me still when i needed him. THAT WAS SO CRUEL OF HIM to say, now that im looking back.

 

ive been quite dependent on him in the RS..

 

thanks Musicman for telling me the hard truth -- cut the friends crap. its a hard pill to swallow but something i gotta do.

 

i will focus on myself for now!

 

It's your life and happiness on the line. If you ever wanna move on and find that real special someone who will be even better than this guy and more compatible for you, then you have to not cave in to this kind of stuff.

 

I will make this my daily mantra, Musicman! i have to stop depending on him for happiness... stop hoping that somehow he will come round and change his mind. the wound is still fresh for me now so im still finding it hard.

 

also, i do have things over at his place which i will need to take from him. when would be the right time to do this?

What where his reasons for needing space/breaking up?

 

He offered the friendzone to let you down easy, that's quite common. However he did reaffirm that's it's a breakup so don't feel strung along by his being amicable about it.

 

He has been feeling unhappy. He cant seem to point out exactly what is making him unhappy but he is going through a phase in life know where he doesnt know what to do.. (just graduated, and is supposed to be looking for a job but he is not really making the effort to)

 

Also, he said that he dont love me as much as he used to anymore. He has brought this up a couple of times the past years and he has been trying to make it work for us.

 

I asked him the night we ended things whether he still loved me enough to want to keep trying. He hesitated, which kinda triggered me into thinking i shouldnt be selfish by holding on to him. it's time i let things go.

He has been feeling unhappy. He cant seem to point out exactly what is making him unhappy but he is going through a phase in life know where he doesnt know what to do.. (just graduated, and is supposed to be looking for a job but he is not really making the effort to)

 

Also, he said that he dont love me as much as he used to anymore. He has brought this up a couple of times the past years and he has been trying to make it work for us.

 

I asked him the night we ended things whether he still loved me enough to want to keep trying. He hesitated, which kinda triggered me into thinking i shouldnt be selfish by holding on to him. it's time i let things go.

 

You're conclusion is right.

 

Also, once he has the emotions that he described - malaise, lack of direction, reduction of love/attachment feelings - he is capable of entertaining others. Or of using others to distract him from his malaise. Whether he has already been distracted by someone else, or has kept himself to himself, is not relevant. He no longer is an emotionally reliable partner. Except that he is reliable enough to tell you.

 

Let him go.

 

I have struggled with similar. It was painful for me, it would have been easier had he admitted to his love interest, which he eventually did. Only because I hung on too long.

 

Wishing you well with your healing.

We are not reconciling and hearing all those sweet comments messed with my head even more.

It might have been easier had he been a jerk about it. At times I wished he had.

 

yes i agree on this! i am finding it very hard to remind myself why we broke up. my brain's abit hazy now and all i can think of is how well he has treated me. if i could only be angry about something.. instead im only feeling upset.

 

It's a lesson I learned sometime ago. You can recognize that even though you love someone, it doesn't mean you are right for each other.

 

such a hard pill to swallow because my ex is a really great person. i blame myself for my insecurities which have made him unhappy in the RS

You're conclusion is right.

 

Also, once he has the emotions that he described - malaise, lack of direction, reduction of love/attachment feelings - he is capable of entertaining others. Or of using others to distract him from his malaise. Whether he has already been distracted by someone else, or has kept himself to himself, is not relevant. He no longer is an emotionally reliable partner. Except that he is reliable enough to tell you.

 

Let him go.

 

I have struggled with similar. It was painful for me, it would have been easier had he admitted to his love interest, which he eventually did. Only because I hung on too long.

 

Wishing you well with your healing.

 

 

thank you for your well wishes ~

 

yes, he did admit that if he continued being with me, he may end up looking for happiness elsewhere. he said that he wanted to be as committed and loyal as he can to me. and because of that, he thinks it is best that we end it, before he ends up hurting me..

thank you for your well wishes ~

 

yes, he did admit that if he continued being with me, he may end up looking for happiness elsewhere. he said that he wanted to be as committed and loyal as he can to me. and because of that, he thinks it is best that we end it, before he ends up hurting me..

 

There is some likelihood that his words to you follow his indiscretion, rather than precede it. Often, that is the case. I am not sure that it is constructive for me to say this; perhaps the point is, rely on the conclusion he gives - that he is no longer the partner he was and not the partner you need. The reason he offers is secondary.

 

Let the whole story go.

thank you Pippy! you put out in words what i have been feeling, but which im trying not to face. i have been wavering between shock and denial the past few days. denial, that if maybe i dint think of it, i may make believe myself into thinking that it dint happen.

 

reading this makes me hopeful, Pippy. Hopeful that i can stand up on my own two feet to get through this. i will stop clinging on to the fact that he will change his mind, just becauase 'he is nice'.

 

i do wish sometimes that i have a reason to be angry at him cos maybe that would have been easier? i still think a lot of all the good that he has done for me and i just suddenly cant think of why we broke up in the first place!

 

I think you are absolutely lovely , I wish everyone who came on was as easy to talk to as you , you really are trying to help yourself here and I have so much respect for that and I know you are going to be just fine.

 

I get where you are with this

i do wish sometimes that i have a reason to be angry at him cos maybe that would have been easie

that was the same as me with the split that brought me here ...he was the nicest , kindest man I have ever met ( and I have had a few ) there wasn't a bad word to say about him and I used to think the same as you ..I almost wished he was a monster to at least give me something to work with lol

 

I just KNOW you are going to be ok xx

I think you are absolutely lovely , I wish everyone who came on was as easy to talk to as you , you really are trying to help yourself here and I have so much respect for that and I know you are going to be just fine.

 

I get where you are with this that was the same as me with the split that brought me here ...he was the nicest , kindest man I have ever met ( and I have had a few ) there wasn't a bad word to say about him and I used to think the same as you ..I almost wished he was a monster to at least give me something to work with lol

 

I just KNOW you are going to be ok xx

 

 

Your reply made me feel warm inside on this cold morning I have today. Such kind words, thank you Pippy.

 

I am coping so far, some days I find harder than others. Today's one of the days where I feel like crying over everything. Doesnt help than I am PMS-ing, so my emotions are all amplifed D:

Tomorrow's dreadful because I am finally going over to take whatever stuff I have over at his place. The last thing I want to do is cry in front of him tomorrow.

 

Hope to hear from you Pippy.

i have always been very dependent on him in the RS

 

He has been feeling unhappy. He cant seem to point out exactly what is making him unhappy but he is going through a phase in life know where he doesnt know what to do.

 

Also, he said that he dont love me as much as he used to anymore. He has brought this up a couple of times the past years and he has been trying to make it work for us.

 

Some food for thought for ou in the future. There is a connection between being overly dependent and the loss of that in love feeling over time.

Your reply made me feel warm inside on this cold morning I have today. Such kind words, thank you Pippy.

 

I am coping so far, some days I find harder than others. Today's one of the days where I feel like crying over everything. Doesnt help than I am PMS-ing, so my emotions are all amplifed D:

Tomorrow's dreadful because I am finally going over to take whatever stuff I have over at his place. The last thing I want to do is cry in front of him tomorrow.

 

Hope to hear from you Pippy.

 

 

pms is never a good time arghhhhh so just keep reminding yourself that you are extra emotional and it will pass . I am a bi polar sufferer and I can honestly say that the emotions felt in pmt can be that strong that it is exactly like the waves of emotions with bi polar , honestly . so just keep saying * it will pass .....and you know that it will , until next month anyway .

 

Now the taking his stuff back , this is a pinnacle point , I know it is like another full stop , another ending but trust me the quicker this is done , the better . The ex I spoke of didn't get his stuff , not ever . We where long distance and he came to me and lived half the time at my house so he had a lot of stuff here . I inadvertently took that as a sign that he would come back . He even had my door key , quite frankly it was like he had died , his shoes in the hallway , his coat hung up where he left it , his belongings on his bedside cabinet , you get the picture , it nearly destroyed me . Oh I can;t express enough how important it is to do this . Can a friend/family do it for you , if that is at all possible then please do it that way . Remember you don't have to please him , you don't have to be there , it will be emotional and hard. If you have to do it yourself then make it quick my darling , don't kid yourself into a false sense of security and convince yourself he may change his mind . Think of him like the dentist , you wanna be in and out as quick as you can . if you cry , you cry .. so what , you are human , and it doesn't make you a lesser being , but it is important for you internally to not have any kind of showdown ..you will feel better and stronger afterwards . You go get it done and I will keep looking out for you posting to see how it went .

Think of us lot cheering you on xxxxx you can do this darling xxxx