im so confused, i need advice!

I'm in a relationship of 8 years and im truly in love with him. I've never cheated. He cheated on me a year after getting together on Facebook. I forgave him and hasn't cheated since then. We had a baby on 2011 and decided to move in together last year, he was jobless for 5 months, everything between him and i were just good.Until He got a new job as a valet this May and he was placed at an account where he has nothing to do but just sit and be on his phone. We decided a few years back that we wouldn't have social media due to his infidelity.

We agreed on having our Google accounts connected on both our phones. I notice he visits the incognito mode several times a day. I confronted him, obviously denied everything.

For a month, i noticed he's been signing out of our account.

When he was working yesterday he used up all his battery and came back with it off.... so i took it away from him and turned it on myself and turns out he was signed out and there was a lot of porn stuff on it.

I don't get mad at him watching porn at all, what gets to me is all his lies and trying to hide stuff from me.

It hurts me, he wants us to get married, he bought the ring. I also would want to if he wasn't like that. Some Times i call/ him and he ignores it because he's too busy on the internet. Im just scared that he's chatting with someone.

I told him today that if he continues to sign out and hide stuff from me i can't continue with our relationship. He got upset and told me that it was his pocket that did that, called me a retard and told me go ahead.

I feel so confused about his feelings towards me, His lies are so hilarious sometimes i hate myself and once he hugs me i easily forget and forgive .. is it me , should i stay with him or is it him that's wrong ?

Ok he cheated before, so you are afraid of that again and now he's doing stupid stuff on his phone... and tells lame stories when you question stuff.

You have a lot at stake and it may be best to find a way to trust and repair some things...he's being immature right now. Do you love him? Does he love you? Do you want to be a family?

Premarital counselling would help tremendously to learn to communicate maturely and discuss trust issues and many other issues couples face. Sign up for that.

We had a baby on 2011 and decided to move in together last year, he wants us to get married, he bought the ring. His lies are so hilarious sometimes i hate myself and once he hugs me i easily forget and forgive

Ok he did mess up in the past but you decided to forgive him. That being said. I was with a super controlling ex. She would accuse me of crazy things. The only thing that wasn't on the table was me killing people. I gave her every account, user name bank info to apease her fears.

He could be doing something he could also not. Both might harbor the same result of him being angry. He has absolutely no privacy people need some sort of privacy. If a person wants to cheat they will no matter how much you try to control them. He might be looking up stupid things but scared how you will react to them. The controlling might also push them away. If he hasn't done anything he's viewing this as needless fighting over nothing. Good luck

Yeah honestly, he made a big mistake by cheating in the first place. But you ultimately made the decision to forgive him, which means you should have made the decision to build and regain trust in him. This means setting boundaries of course, but not monitoring someone.

He has no privacy! That means he has no trust! What if he was just on a forum like this one but didn't want you to see? Or watching porn (innocent in my view). Like, really. You can't expect him to have zero privacy and be okay with that. Everyone needs privacy, everyone has secrets, yes, even from their partners.

Sorry, but you either need to loosen the reigns or let him go because the relationship cannot go on this way. He will eventually want out.

We download porn videos and pictures on his phone. I can't control what he does, i know. But he's also visited hooker sites which is why i am here asking for help , i love him i know i don't trust him at all. It'sjust so hard and there's so much pain in my heart.

Cheating or not the dude kinda seems like a loser.

I don't know, at this point, you just need to ask yourself: Do I want to be with someone who cheats, lies, and visits hooker sites?

Do I want to be in a relationship with someone I cannot trust?

Do I want to monitor my SO's behavior and constantly search for red flags?

Is this the kind of relationship dynamic I want my child to learn from?

If your answer to even just one of these questions is no, I suggest you leave. If your answers to even one of these questions is yes, I suggest you seek therapy and figure out why you'd want to be in a dysfunctional relationship.

Maybe he masturbates to pics of that or gets a laugh with the guys at work. You may be horrified at pics of women etc, but playing cop/parole officer won't help your relationship. Do you have any evidence he's really visiting hookers or cheating,etc?

Why would he buy you a ring and want to get married if all he wanted was hookers and other women? Is he a decent family man?

We download porn videos and pictures on his phone. I can't control what he does, i know. But he's also visited hooker sites which is why i am here asking for help , i love him i know i don't trust him at all. It'sjust so hard and there's so much pain in my heart.

He's nice and everything, i know his family. Yea i have evidence. On his clip board of screenshot there was a cityvibes.com picture of a girl on incognito mode. I'm just so confused!

He's nice and everything, i know his family. Yea i have evidence. On his clip board of screenshot there was a cityvibes.com picture of a girl on incognito mode. I'm just so confused!

I don't think you are confused. I think deep down you know you stuck around with a somewhat shiftless, cheating loser. But you feel stuck because you loooove him and have a baby.

He's not going to change. So either you stop expecting him to be faithful or you let go of this baggage.

I don't think you are confused. I think deep down you know you stuck around with a somewhat shiftless, cheating loser. But you feel stuck because you loooove him and have a baby.

 

He's not going to change. So either you stop expecting him to be faithful or you let go of this baggage.

EXACTLY.

You can't feign confusion after you decided to be in a relationship with a liar and a cheater when they get caught lying and cheating. Really? It's not like you didn't see it coming. As Ms Darcy said, if you want to stay with him you need to let him be a liar and a cheater because he is not going to change. You can just adopt the mindset of "he may sleep around, but I'm the one he comes home to each night," because it sounds like that's the best you can expect from him. Trying to control him is not fixing anything at all (as is clear by the fact that you are posting here seeking help).

Learn about the foundations of a good lasting relationship grom Gottman, he is the utmost expert. Give it a solid try and you will know your answer in the end.

Forgiveness and trust are different things. Forgiveness is about past bad behavior; trust is about the future. You may have forgiven him, but there is no trust here. Trust can take years to rebuild, and if you want to save this relationship I recommend taking Wiseman's advice and scheduling premarital counseling. The only other options are to drop him or join the Amish. Not a lot of social media happening there.

Excellent advice.

The only other options are to drop him or join the Amish. Not a lot of social media happening there.

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We download porn videos and pictures on his phone. I can't control what he does, i know. But he's also visited hooker sites which is why i am here asking for help , i love him i know i don't trust him at all. It'sjust so hard and there's so much pain in my heart.

You can not have a relationship without trust! You forgave him for cheating, yes, but you can't forget! I would have left the moment I found he cheated. It's not because he cheated, it's because I know myself best. I would never be able to trust him again. There are others out there that could look pass it, but for me personally, if I know I can't look pass it, there is really no point. Feelings are just going to get more and more hurt.

That being said, this is just going to be a vicious cycle over and over again. Isn't exhausting to always have to wonder what he's doing on his phone? What website he's looking at? No social media? I'm pretty sure it's exhausting for him as well to feel so controlled. Then it's just going to lead him to want to do it even more. It's just going to be like that over and over again and.... one day, just in a matter of time, everything is going to hit the fan and explode like a bomb. You two have a child together, it's is not healthy to raise a child in this type of environment. Believe it or not, your child will pick up on every fight and everything that the child hears.

Please give it some thought and get some counselling!

i love him i know i don't trust him at all.

^

There's your answer, they go hand in hand and you can't have one without the other. The bottom line is, very few people can get past infidelity in the long term, which proves your case...

A lot of people are having babies with guys who cheated on them. Why??

I'm just going to cut through all the does he or doesn't he and get straight to the point. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a guy where you have to be his mom? So unsexy, so just everything. Do you think the way to have a good relationship is you acting like a parent while he plays the naughty child who can't get his own ship together?

Either the guy is an adult and that means he acts like a responsible adult in a loving, monogamous, faithful relationship working hard to regain his partner's trust OR he's not and you now have to treat him like a child who already got busted for underage drinking and now you have to monitor him constantly while he keeps trying to sneak out the window at 3:00 a.m. setting off the alarms.

And if it's the latter, if you really have to treat him the way I have had to treat my own kids before they reached the age of adulthood then what the heck are you doing with this guy at all?

P.S. Anything involving a "live" person isn't porn. It's them gearing up to finding a "live" person to have sex with. Personal experience speaking from having left an ex who was a serial cheater who had every excuse in the books for why he was engaging in online activities with live people. Until the day I finally found him cheating and then found out he'd been gaslighting me all along and had been cheating on me since practically day one.

So in full disclosure sure I watch porn sometimes. I don't however go on to hooker sites, escort sites, answer Craigslist ads, put up dating profiles, do Tinder, Kick or another hookup app, exchange naughty anythings with anyone but my husband, or in any way, shape, or form engage with any activity that might put me into contact with a real person to have sex with.

Your guy sounds like he should move back in with his mom and you should go find a guy you can be a woman with, not his mom.

People men and woman do stupid things on the internet. Perfect example btw this is later in the relationship I know how she is. Do you know what backpage is? Sounds familiar I say no. She was always asking me random websites. BTW some were good I learned from her. I check it out later. My friend I haven't seen this man in 15 years. He's drunk maybe called me twice in all that time. He's drunk and in my city I'm 1000 miles away on a job. He tells me he went to a massage parlor. I asked how do u find them. He tells me backpage. I looked so what. World War 3 once I tell her I looked at it. Even worse when I said id do it again under the same circumstances cause. I didnt do anything wrong. Did it look bad? In her head yes. Now if I was calling these people emailing texting looking all the time or the clincher paying $$$. Then it's absolutely understandable.

I don't know, at this point, you just need to ask yourself: Do I want to be with someone who cheats, lies, and visits hooker sites?

 

Do I want to be in a relationship with someone I cannot trust?

 

Do I want to monitor my SO's behavior and constantly search for red flags?

 

Is this the kind of relationship dynamic I want my child to learn from?

 

 

If your answer to even just one of these questions is no, I suggest you leave. If your answers to even one of these questions is yes, I suggest you seek therapy and figure out why you'd want to be in a dysfunctional relationship.

It's been pretty difficult between him and i , after him cheating i forgave him because i knew he noticed his mistake. He begged so much for me to stay. He never saw the girl it was through Facebook like mentioned before. He always allows me to have his phone , sometimes takes mine and leaves his home for me. But what he does is delete eveything beforehand. I know that everyone needs their privacy but nobody deserves this to go through what i do, everyday. Theres something behind all those lies. I contacted google a couple days ago and they told me to just install mspy or a software on his phone... i will definitely do that and if something pops up other then just porn ill leave him because literally i have been faithful since day one. I talk to NO GUYS, i dont even have friends because im always with him. No social media. He told me to not have a job so i can be here taking care of our home so thats what im doing.i cook for him he comes back to a clean house and i always try to be a good girlfriend but its difficult with him that way. I am going through a mental breakdown, ive lost weight too.

Most of the times i try to ask him politely about what he tries to hide from me and he uses very bad language and calls me bad names it hurts my feelings i told him but it never stops

Do you think installing a spy software will make him stop using bad language at you and stop calling you bad names?

I contacted google a couple days ago and they told me to just install mspy or a software on his phone... i will definitely do that and if something pops up other then just porn ill leave him because literally i have been faithful since day one. I talk to NO GUYS, i dont even have friends because im always with him. No social media. He told me to not have a job so i can be here taking care of our home so thats what im doing.i cook for him he comes back to a clean house and i always try to be a good girlfriend but its difficult with him that way. I am going through a mental breakdown, ive lost weight too.

 

Most of the times i try to ask him politely about what he tries to hide from me and he uses very bad language and calls me bad names it hurts my feelings i told him but it never stops

This is all so incredibly unhealthy bordering on abusive activity. Okay, actually it is abusive to control you to that length, to have you on a leash to such lengths and now you thinking it's normal to do the same back. You need to leave him, because he calls you names and has controlled your life down to him being practically your only contact with humanity.

I mean, you can't even have friends and you are worried he's cheating on you? You do know you can just walk away from a relationship and tell them, "I'm going to have friends and I'm getting a job and I don't need permission from you to do those things," right? And if you have to install spyware then I'm sorry, the relationship is over. This is just you both dragging around the relationship's rotten corpse with you. It's been dead for a long time actually, you need to realize that.

Just because someone begs like crazy for you to do something doesn't mean you have to do it or that they are going to treat you right or make your life better and happier and healthier, which is what a relationship - heck what you alone should be doing for yourself.

You already know you need to leave, this cheating thing is just grasping at straws. Just go, there is so much more wrong here than his looking at hooker sites. So much more now that you have given me those details.

It's time to get yourself free, get friends, get a job, get a life not totally 100 percent wrapped up in one person who controls and berates and name calls you and cuts you off from anyone else who might make you see that the way you're living is a very damaging existence designed to keep you down.

I know it's easier to focus on the drama of cheating, I've been there myself, but the fact is you need to have an honest heart-to-heart with yourself about what's really going on here, because it's far worse that what web pages he might've been on. Not that that's not bad too, but not being allowed your own life and name called by the person who claims to love you?

That's more than enough reason to jump ship and never look back. And you should while you still can.

Incompatible and mistrust.

Two major things that will completely destroy a relationship. This guy sounds like a total cheating jerk and well... a loser like everyone else said. You are wasting your time and breath on someone who is incapable to change; pretty much like any selfish cheater out there. To be very blunt here; I would find somewhere else if I were you. You completely stated that you love him but don't trust him. Sorry girl, but they don't go together.

Nothing sucks the life and joy out of you more than someone who lacks the ability to be faithful and loving. You don't cheat, and never will. He, on the other hand, might or might not cheat again. It's a dice of anxiety and dread. Ask yourself this; Do I truly want to be with someone who I can't trust and has also betrayed me in the first place? Or would I rather find an amazing, LOYAL, sweet, loving guy who would treat me like I was the greatest thing since sliced bread?

Choice is yours.

Porn is not cheating...so try to calm down about that. No, do not install spyware. Stop contacting google all day and plotting ways to remotely control him and look for 'bad news'. What's the point? That will not improve your relationship, peace of mind or security. It will give you an obsessive injustice collecting hobby.

Either decide to stay and work things out getting some help therapy for the pathological jealousy/possessiveness or just leave if you honestly believe he is cheating employing hookers etc. Get a job or a hobby or focus on being a mom/homemaker, make some friends, join some mom groups Anything to alleviate your boredom/obsession.

Chronically interrogating someone, spying on someone etc. will naturally generate a bad reaction because your paranoia is accusing someone. just leave him or continue this distrust, accusing,etc.until he leaves you .

I contacted google a couple days ago and they told me to just install mspy or a software on his phone... i will definitely do that and if something pops up other then just porn ill leave him

A lot of people are having babies with guys who cheated on them. Why??

Poor birth control and poor boundaries.