eating disorder: making myself eat

Hey, everyone! I haven't posted in years, but I am married, and anticipating my one year anniversary with my husband. I also have an eating disorder, and I'm not sure which one. I don't eat enough, I purge (excessive exercise and fasting after eating only normal amounts...I stopped taking laxatives a couple months ago), and I hardly ever binge. I'm a normal weight. My husband is supportive, and very much involved with my treatment, but I'm getting frustrated with my lack of progress. My normal day to day is restricting, because eating a normal amount for my weight and height, and moderate activity level feels like too much. My counselor really wants to see me eat a normal amount, as she is concerned about my restricting, but my eating disorder has strongly hijacked my mind. Anyone have any insight as to what eating disorder I could have? Also, any advice on getting myself to eat when I want to restrict so much? If you have any other recovery advice also, please feel free to share! Thank you!

If you are dealing with a councilor then you know it's usually your body image how you view yourself. Could be totally different then how others do. Sometimes it's cause others put you down. Or its a control issue. Are there some things you can't control in your life? And this is the one thing you can? I'm sure there are other factors I'm just not familiar with them.

It used to be a self confidence and self esteem issue, but now it's taken on a life of it's own. I'm starting to change some of my thought patterns per the guidance of my counselor, but it's still almost impossible to get myself a normal amount. Food is just lacking in luster because of how much I have been restricting, so I'm grabbing at anything to keep myself fed.

I have the echoes of an eating disorder which was the main focus of my teenage life; I know this is going to sound bizarre, but although food was an obsession, the eating disorder wasn't really about food, but a number of other things.

- the feeling that I had no power over my own destiny; the adults around me had decided in which direction my life should go, and were actively obstructive when I expressed a desire to follow my own path. My parents still had responsibility.

- feeling desperately unhappy (as I now recognise) but not having the means to express it, or even feel it. The anorexia was a form of slow suicide, in my own mind.

- paradoxically, the fact that I was very underweight, and very light on my feet, made me feel as though I could run away from the situations I couldn't escape from - and would therefore allow me to live. Almost as if I could fly away from them in an emotional sense. I STILL enjoy the feeling of being very light on my feet, for that reason.

- they were ruling my life, but this was one area which was mine, where they couldn't interfere. Not just parents and the educational system, but I had a very controlling boyfriend (controlling in the guise of being oh, so caring) and this was one area where HE couldn't interfere.

- focusing on food, over which I DID have control, acted as a repository for all the other problems - where I didn't.

I know that not everybody's this lucky, but as I reached the stage in my life where I could take my own risks and didn't have to conform to anyone else's expectations, I gradually started eating again. If you look at my list, it's really obvious that the underlying problems were all emotional and spiritual ones; in fact, the body image was secondary.

Again, paradoxically, I'm aware that I still have some issues around dysmorphia. I'm in a healthy weight range, but only just, and I always feel slightly surprised at how thin I look in photos. However, my advice to anyone wanting to recover from an eating disorder is to focus on their emotional life and, unless their weight is so low as to be life-threatening, not to be distracted too much by the calorie-counting. I'm also aware that if I feel stressed, the first thing to go is my appetite and I start to lose weight again; unlike being a teenager, that's more about forgetting to eat and not thinking about food AT ALL though.

Also... you might like to ponder this one.. the same set of early circumstances which lead to some people becoming alcoholics or drug addicts in later life, can also lead to people developing eating disorders. I don't know if that fits for you or any family members.

Good luck!

You may have a form of . A good friend of mine has a similar disorder, and it's surprising how much it impacts her life. The struggle is very, very real.

Like any addiction, healing requires the changing of patterns long enough to re-normalize brain chemistry. It sounds like you are doing many of the right things and have good support from your husband. Keep a food journal and make meal and snack plans to track your successes and failures. Have your counselor hold you accountable. Be patient with yourself when you fall short and celebrate small milestones.

Whatever you do, don't give up -- no matter what. It may be a long and difficult battle, but it can be won. And it will be worth it in the end.

It used to be a self confidence and self esteem issue, but now it's taken on a life of it's own. I'm starting to change some of my thought patterns per the guidance of my counselor, but it's still almost impossible to get myself a normal amount. Food is just lacking in luster because of how much I have been restricting, so I'm grabbing at anything to keep myself fed.

You are on the right track, you've just hit the part that requires persistence and perseverance. Changing your thought patterns is difficult. There will definitely be times where you feel like you are treading in place going nowhere, but you are actually making progress. It's a bit like looking at a computer screen while it's just sitting there doing seemingly nothing with a message "accessing new data please wait". It actually is doing stuff in the background, you just don't see it. Wait long enough and off you go with the new data.

So keep up with your counseling, keep working hard on changing your thought processes and you will succeed at this.