Is my partner's behavior acceptable?

I'm at a loss for words in regards to my partner's recent behavior. Part of me feels responsible for the chain of events that have occurred. Long story short, last year I was sent on a business trip with a female coworker. We completed the job and the rest of the trip was leisurely site seeing, etc on the company dime. I had an opportunity to sleep with this person during one evening and chose to keep it platonic, as the better half of my morals advised me to go back to my room.

Fast forward, I developed a crush on this coworker and had viewed some of her FB photos (on several occasions). My girlfriend of 7yrs knew something was up and decided to go through my phone while I was asleep. She never mentioned it to me and about 2 months later I bought her an engagement ring. About 3 weeks after she accepted my proposal, she confronted me about my "excessive" viewing of my co-worker's photos. I came clean, and told her "it was a minor crush, she's not really wife material in my eyes, but if this was something bothering you, why did you accept my proposal?"

Shortly thereafter, my fiancé decided to message my coworker and meet with her about me. Now she's interfered with my career. I told her "I'm not ok with you attempting to manage my relationships and this my job at stake." She asked me not to be friendly with this person, which is a bit outside my character, as I'm generally friendly with all of my peers. It would be off-putting if one day I just decided not to talk to this person. (Side note- I grew up in a foster home because my parents were drug addicts- I'm one of the most optimistic people you'd ever meet, and seldom unhappy about anything.)

Here we are a year later- she's accessed my phone to remove this person from my address book several times (I'm on call and have to communicate with my coworker during work emergencies). I leave my computer at home open for both of us to use and she's accessed my work computer through remote desktop to read my instant messenger history with this coworker. As of his weekend, my fiancé removed this person from our corporate instant messenger, which I noticed today when I needed to followup on purchase and I couldn't find her on my list.

My fiancé and I just moved into our first place together as of May 2016 and that's the only major shared expense between us. It's a beautiful brand new apartment that we both love, but it's going to be tough to make ends meet if only one of us is living there. I had a kickass studio that I wish I would've kept had I known what I was in for, but she got a job here in town and we were engaged, so moving in together seemed like the thing to do.

I know in the end, this is my decision to make, but her behavior signifies that she doesn't trust me and after these recent chain of events, I don't think I trust her (or my coworker). Whether they're in cahoots or not, I don't care to associate with either of them if this is how females attempt to justify monogamy.

We have a Vegas trip planned at the end of October and I'm leaning towards telling her to cancel it. I've already locked down my computer and created a separate account for her to use, as well as changed my phone password. I had full trust in her, and these kind of restrictions are not something I want to have in place with a significant other. I'm a security specialist by trade, so the last place I want to have to do this is at home.

I guess my question is do you think it's too far gone and I should cut my losses? As it is, I want nothing to do with either of these women and I just want to be left alone to focus on my work. SOS

Well, you admitted to a crush and admitted to us you could have slept this woman but opted not to. By that statement one can assume that your coworker has some other interest in you outside of working along side of you as well. So, you both have romantic feelings for each other, yes?

Your fiancé caught on to this and you in so many ways validated it by your admission and your actions.

I don't agree with the degree your fiancé is going to keep you two apart.

It's sadly misguided because honestly if you wanted to cheat you will, phone number or no phone number.

The trust is gone. Without trust there is no foundation for a relationship let alone a marriage.

Do not consider getting married unless you two can come to some sort of compromise so this is a non issue.

Maybe pre marriage counseling as a last resort. I am not hearing you say what you've done to rectify your part in this.

I doubt they are in this together as some sort of conspiracy, unless there is part of the story you left out. That theory doesn't make sense.

Shortly thereafter, my fiancé decided to message my coworker and meet with her about me. Now she's interfered with my career. I told her "I'm not ok with you attempting to manage my relationships and this my job at stake." She asked me not to be friendly with this person, which is a bit outside my character, as I'm generally friendly

Just curious, what if anything was revealed by their exchange?

It's strange that after 7 years you just keep marching forward with engagements, moving in together etc because "it's the next step". How is the relationship overall? Is this an arranged marriage?

Yet this cat-and-mouse game with the coworker continues as does this lack of respect/boundaries with snooping, contacting the coworker, etc.

Even though these seem like pragmatic/financial decisions, agree you've created a prison of your own design.

Yes, you lost the trust.

You say you had the chance to sleep with this woman but chose not to? How did it get to that stage?

Having a coworker on FB and instant messenger, especially if there is a small crush on your part, is not a wise thing to do. It should be emails or texts and if there's nothing flirty in them, you shouldn't need to worry about passwords or leaving your phone around.

Admitting to a crush has unfortunately messed with your fiance's head and she is looking to regain some control. But the constant checking up on you is a downward spiral.

If you find your head so easily turned then in the future you need to keep professional and personal life very separate (no facebooking and stalking, this isn't high school), learn to keep professional distance with co-workers and maybe think about breaking off your engagement and relationship altogether. In fact I would recommend it. Doesn't look like you are ready for commitment and your fiance no longer trusts you.

If I was your fiancée, I would be highly uncomfortable with this situation too. There is no secret that you fancy this coworker and that she fancies you too, and you two working in such close proximity and being constantly in touch can't possibly be all that reassuring to most women. Try and put yourself in her shoes, would you be comfortable if the roles were reversed?

I don't agree with her confronting the coworker the way she did, or with her removing her from your contacts, but I do think this is something you should have offered to do. I realize you still have to interact with this person for work, but you don't sound like you are keeping your communication with her strictly work related. As for friendly - well, clearly you don't think of her in a platonic way so scaling back on your friendliness towards her would be just common sense.

Is finding another job something you'd be willing to do? Because as long as you continue working with this woman who you admittedly have a crush on and who clearly would have had no problem having sex with you knowing you were in a serious relationship I don't see things improving, and I don't blame your fiancée one bit.

This story sounds very familiar - especially the part about needing to keep the coworker on emergency contacts. Did you not like the prior advice, or is someone in an identical situation? If its the same, weren't your coworkers trying to "hook you up" with her or playing matchmaker?

I think it was incredibly lame and very damning to tell your gf that the coworker "wasn't wife material". The fact that it crossed your mind to rate her as wife material or not is suspect. I would be very suspicious about it. It would sound, if I was your girlfriend, that you proposed in order to placate me, or do something awesome before the beans were spilled on the other. There are many novels where a man makes a choice between women and becomes engage to remove suspicion or feels guilty and proposes.

if it is the same story and your boss was playing "matchmaker" between you and this female coworker, I think that if you want to earn the trust of your fiance, you look for another job where you are away from the matchmaking boss who does not honor nor respect your relationship and this tempting coworker that you have to talk to. Seriously.

You keep justifying your contact. It is ONE thing if this person is on the emergency list, but you keep pushing it farther!

as I'm generally friendly with all of my peers. It would be off-putting if one day I just decided not to talk to this person.

Who cares if it would be off putting to other people = you either want to be with your fiancee or you want to carve out all these little excuses of keeping up appearances with other people. There is such thing as over friendly.

So if you want to change and have changed - start putting together that resume.

And I would review my character trait of being a people pleaser.

Dude, you don't know how bad I want to take your side. But...

"she wasn't wife material"

Seriously?? Admitting to the crush was bad enough, though I suppose I'm supposed to give you a couple points for honesty. But that line pretty much says, "If she were, you'd be out right with the recycling."

Personally, depending on what all led up to it, I don't even see much wrong with you two finding each other attractive enough to have sex with. If it's just a matter of you two knowing you're attracted to one another, whatever. Happens often enough. If we're talking you two were going on dates, constantly talking outside of work, then it's a different story.

But, as we've seen and has been mentioned, the trust is gone. We've also seen the "unorthodox" ways in which she takes it upon herself to address the lack of trust, and she happens to do so in a way that could very well be professionally damaging. I'd have been out the moment she met up with the co-worker, regardless of whatever part I may have played leading to it.

Trust is a very precious and fragile thing in a relationship; and unfortunately, it is a very important aspect that keeps a foundation intact in a relationship. While I do not agree on how your fiancee is checking your phone constantly and having a hard time trusting you; you must understand that there was some fault in your side. I was in the same position as her, and it is not a good feeling at all. It is what led me to ending my own engagement.

It's normal to have attraction to other people such as celebrities and random strangers; but when it is someone you interact with everyday and also had the opportunity to sleep with, then that is bound to cause a major strain in trust; so I sort of understand where your fiancee is coming from.

Viewing your co-workers photos and developing a crush is a definite a no-no. Even when I was with my ex-fiance, I never managed to have a crush on someone else, especially with other co-workers and colleagues. Most of them were highly attractive, but not to the point I would develop some sort of feelings for them. Idk, that's just personally me though.

I just find it highly disrespectful and inconsiderate that you had to check out your co-worker's photos on Facebook and you try to justify your actions. While I don't agree on your fiancee's actions, I also completely understand her. It just sounds like you don't completely love her like you think you do, especially after seven years.

May I ask though, did you propose to her because you felt guilty about what happened or do you truly love her?

I came clean, and told her "it was a minor crush, she's not really wife material in my eyes, but if this was something bothering you, why did you accept my proposal?"

I can't wrap my head around how you could tell the woman you wanted to marry, that the woman you had a crush on was "not really wife material." That alone would have ended it for me.

In any event, it doesn't appear as if you're owning your own part in this.

Okay i was right. You posted this before with plenty of blame towards your fiancee. Sorry, the blame is 100% on you for emotionally, if not physically, cheating. You pinned it on the fact that your fiancee was busy trying to finish school so therefore the answer was a wandering eyeball.

I don't have any serious insecurities- or at least none that I pay attention to.

You may not have insecurities, but you are very insensitive towards the feelings of your fiancee - but you seem to care about what "the group" at work thinks - if you didn't, you wouldn't have allowed yourself to be matchmade.

Shortly thereafter, my fiancé decided to message my coworker and meet with her about me. Now she's interfered with my career. I told her "I'm not ok with you attempting to manage my relationships and this my job at stake." She asked me not to be friendly with this person, which is a bit outside my character, as I'm generally friendly

Just curious, what if anything was revealed by their exchange?

She had told me that she messaged her to meet, then ended up canceling it. Saying something to the tune of she had gotten me sick and wanted to surprise me with lunch at work. As of two weeks ago, she admitted that they actually did spoke and her biggest mistake was that she told my co-worker that I have feelings for her (so now my coworker has the upper-hand is how that statement came off).

It's strange that after 7 years you just keep marching forward with engagements, moving in together etc because "it's the next step". How is the relationship overall? Is this an arranged marriage?

 

Yet this cat-and-mouse game with the coworker continues as does this lack of respect/boundaries with snooping, contacting the coworker, etc.

 

Even though these seem like pragmatic/financial decisions, agree you've created a prison of your own design.

Relationship is great, overall. This is the major hurdle. We have similar interests, we're both nerds at heart, good income solo, excellent income combined. The engagement wasn't the next step per se, but we had fought about this and I was under the impression it was all behind us. Naturally, we both felt ready to move forward together in life.

This story sounds very familiar - especially the part about needing to keep the coworker on emergency contacts. Did you not like the prior advice, or is someone in an identical situation? If its the same, weren't your coworkers trying to "hook you up" with her or playing matchmaker?

 

So if you want to change and have changed - start putting together that resume.

 

And I would review my character trait of being a people pleaser.

Yeah this is the same case, just new issues keep popping up. Not interested in finding a new job, it's not fair to my career. I wouldn't behave this way if the roles were reversed- maybe I am overly trustful.

Dude, you don't know how bad I want to take your side. But...

"she wasn't wife material"

 

Seriously?? Admitting to the crush was bad enough, though I suppose I'm supposed to give you a couple points for honesty. But that line pretty much says, "If she were, you'd be out right with the recycling."

It wasn't that I blatantly made that comment. My fiance had asked me what is going to happen when this younger girl I work with grows up a bit more. Am I going to be swayed by her more as she gets older?

 

May I ask though, did you propose to her because you felt guilty about what happened or do you truly love her?

No pressure to propose, but we had worked on this issue in the months leading up to me proposing and I felt it was behind us. Ready to move forward together.

It wasn't that I blatantly made that comment. My fiance had asked me what is going to happen when this younger girl I work with grows up a bit more. Am I going to be swayed by her more as she gets older?

The answer is "Honey, You are the only one I want. She can get older, she can get an extreme makeover. She can be the heiress of my favorite beer company. She can't do anything that would make me want her" Not that she is a hottie but you can't see marrying her.

Yeah this is the same case, just new issues keep popping up. Not interested in finding a new job, it's not fair to my career. I wouldn't behave this way if the roles were reversed- maybe I am overly trustful.

Its the same issue! Its not "new issues"

And not "fair" to your career? You are terribly self centered!

What if you had a child that had severe medical issues and could only be treated by a certain hospital and it would be lifelong. Would you find a job closer to that hospital - even within an hour or so - to keep your family intact or would you say "its not fair to my career" and have your wife living on a cot in the hospital with your child, money draining away by airfare back and forth?

This is emergency time. its do or die. You either end the engagement or you change jobs. You can stay in the same industry and go to another company or move to another department away from the coworker AND your boss or managers who are meddling because you clearly cannot resist them all.

If you do change jobs where you do not need to interact with these people - then the question would be if you could resist temptation with someone else, perhaps.

Okay i was right. You posted this before with plenty of blame towards your fiancee. Sorry, the blame is 100% on you for emotionally, if not physically, cheating. You pinned it on the fact that your fiancee was busy trying to finish school so therefore the answer was a wandering eyeball.

 

 

 

I don't have any serious insecurities- or at least none that I pay attention to.

 

You may not have insecurities, but you are very insensitive towards the feelings of your fiancee - but you seem to care about what "the group" at work thinks - if you didn't, you wouldn't have allowed yourself to be matchmade.

Two sides to every story, abitbroken. She had broken up with me in 2012 (loss of interest), leading up to it, she was communicating with other guys, and overall just dishing out poor treatment. We went NC for 3 months and I focused on myself, lost 35lbs, dated other girls, bought a brand-new sports car, got promoted at work. I was kicking ass, and the most important lesson I learned during that time was that I alone was responsible for my happiness and having mastery over myself before allowing others to dictate how I feel as a person. I refuse to ever go back to that dark place.

We ran into each other one night and began communicating again. I had told her that I wouldn't come back to the old relationship, nothing gets swept under the rug (she has a tendency of bottling up her emotions). For a good 3+ years everything was fantastic, and still is- excluding this whole coworker sandtrap I've gotten myself into.

"She's told me that if it were her in this situation, she would have broken up with me and pursued the other person. I kind of do agree, and maybe I should have, but I really didn't want to mix work with play."

From your other thread.

That's WAY different from "she isn't wife material". Sounds more like you just were worried about how it would look at work.

The answer is "Honey, You are the only one I want. She can get older, she can get an extreme makeover. She can be the heiress of my favorite beer company. She can't do anything that would make me want her" Not that she is a hottie but you can't see marrying her.

 

This is perfect!

 

Its the same issue! Its not "new issues"

And not "fair" to your career? You are terribly self centered!

What if you had a child that had severe medical issues and could only be treated by a certain hospital and it would be lifelong. Would you find a job closer to that hospital - even within an hour or so - to keep your family intact or would you say "its not fair to my career" and have your wife living on a cot in the hospital with your child, money draining away by airfare back and forth?

 

This is emergency time. its do or die. You either end the engagement or you change jobs. You can stay in the same industry and go to another company or move to another department away from the coworker AND your boss or managers who are meddling because you clearly cannot resist them all.

 

If you do change jobs where you do not need to interact with these people - then the question would be if you could resist temptation with someone else, perhaps.

I would switch jobs in a heartbeat, but that's a terrible example you used.. I recently turned down an offer that I entertained purely for my fiance with a healthcare robotics company. Pay was slightly better than what I'm making now, but their healthcare was garbage and they had a upcoming project in the next month that would've been harder on our relationship than these trust issues. I'm not entirely self-centered (although it may appear that way without any insight to what goes on behind closed doors). Fortunately, we both work in industries that allow us to work anywhere in the world- I've told her that if she gets a stellar offer and wants to move, we'll go- I can find work anywhere. Her ultimate goal is that I become a stay-at-home dad (I cook and clean like a champion). I also go the extra mile, taking care of her car and maintenance so she has a safe drive to work, changing a flat tire for her in her work parking lot, after I've spent 12 hours in a data center dealing with SaaS outages. Handling all the bills because working ER at the hospital can be super stressful on her. I do my part, and then some.

I don't feel that changing jobs is the solution in this case. I see the trust issues persisting no matter where I end up. I've told her, if you want me to be a stay-at-home, she has to give me a motorcycle allowance (I trackdays).

"She's told me that if it were her in this situation, she would have broken up with me and pursued the other person. I kind of do agree, and maybe I should have, but I really didn't want to mix work with play."

 

From your other thread.

 

That's WAY different from "she isn't wife material". Sounds more like you just were worried about how it would look at work.

Yeah that quote is from one of many different conversations. You guys are faster than I can respond on here, but I do appreciate the feedback.

A lot of constructive feedback here and I appreciate each of you taking the time to weigh-in.

I think what has me bothered more than anything is the double-standard. I don't snoop through her phone, I don't snoop through her Facebook or Instacrap, or Snapcrap... I don't care (at all). But what I do care about is judgement based on one's actions.

If I was as unfaithful as many of you make me out to be (except j.man. you're cool), I wouldn't have spent an enormous amount of money on a ring. I wouldn't be attempting to maintain her trust. I wouldn't go out of my way to help her, or go to family events.

I can tell you what I would be doing- I would have pursued my coworker is a sleazy fashion. I would be chasing nightlife and local college girls, etc.

She makes more than you?

Her ultimate goal is that I become a stay-at-home dad (I cook and clean like a champion).I've told her, if you want me to be a stay-at-home, she has to give me a motorcycle allowance

Just leave this around the house so she gets the hint:

]

She makes more than you?

 

Just leave this around the house so she gets the hint:

]

 

 

 

Not yet she doesn't, but in a year or so she will.

It sounds like a financial merger for economic gain, not love...it sounds like you'll continue to seek that on the side..

Not yet she doesn't, but in a year or so she will.

I just read through this thread and the comments. All I can say is BREAK UP lol.

This is freaking miserable. You guys resent each other hardcore for whatever reasons and will never admit it. You admitted to her that you were interested in other women for however a brief moment, it hit her hard and she turned into a snooping psycho. I don't agree with the severity of her actions, but I don't think they were completely unfounded. Either way, seems like she's lost trust, seems like you don't really like her that much anyways but feel comfortable with her instead, seems like the relationship has been going nowhere for a while but you stay in it just because, now it sounds like you are both miserable and want out but neither of you are willing to leave so these impossible situations are being created constantly in order to subconsciously push the other to break up.

Just break up dude. It's been a long time coming.