Confused and frustrated

Alright guys... I know this is about to sound crazy but I can't put my mind at ease. I've been talking with someone since May of this year, we live about an hour and a half apart we talk everyday via texting, phone calls and FaceTime. We met on match. I work two full time jobs (60-70 hours a week) and he teaches and coaches a varsity sport and a club team as well so we are both incredibly busy people which has proved to make it very hard to actually spend time together. We talk consistently and after about a month of getting to know one another convos we've expressed our feelings for one another and though we aren't technically together becusse of the lack of spending time together in person we've established we care about one another and want to be together. I feel like I have been trying harder to set dates to get together and he on the other hand has almost accepted our schedules do not permit it. About a month ago I told him I didn't want to continue talking if I was the only one making an effort and I didn't want to be in a text only relationship. He's blamed financial reasons, and being too busy but assures me that it is not because he doesn't want to see me. For the most part I do believe this but I just feel like I need more but I've become very attached. Here's the other thing that is surely to make me sound like a lunatic... Ive noticed in the last few weeks he's become even "busier" and distant compared to when we first started talking. In the last week a girl has gone through and liked his pictures on Instagram, older ones and they became friends onfacebook this month. They share no mutual friends so I can't help but feel like this is someone he is possibly entertaining a relationship with as well... Is that crazy of me? I haven't said anything I would never but it deeply bothers me. He tells me consistently that I'm the only person he's talking to so I would feel betrayed if he was lying. I wouldn't want to continue talking if he was still talking to other girls so I feel I deserve to know the truth. I'm already frustrated because of the lack of effort on his part. I'm not unrealistic or dumb I know that I have no claim over him but I don't want to be lied to and I don't want to be strung along if hes talking with others as well. Four months of non stop talking means a lot to me. The other day he said to me "I need to be with you, you are so loyal and I wanna be the same to you" my reaction was "have you not been?" Of course he said he has.

Anyways I'm sure my thoughts are all jumbled together in that paragraph I'm just not sure where to go with this... Do I tell him I don't want to continue talking unless we have a plan for when to get together? Do I say I don't want to continue talking if he's talking with other girls as well? I have trust issues I've been cheated on I've been physically and verbally abused by exes and I've tried so hard to not let my past issues come back into my future relationships but I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable and insecure or if I have a right to be concerned and frustrated by the situation.

I think it is fair for you to be frustrated by the lack of progress in the relationship. 4 months is a long time to go without meeting, and I would be concerned as well. Even if there is no one else, the lack of progress alone is enough to merit concern. I realize you are both busy, but c'mon -- we're adults. We make the time and we find the money for the things we care about.

I'd give him an ultimatum, but only if you are prepared to walk away and stop the texting if he is unwilling to acquiesce. If you're not prepared to walk away, an ultimatum will just be empty words and it will undermine your credibility.

I do think it would be a good idea to work on your insecurities, as they have a tendency to skew your perspective and follow you into future relationships. The great irony is that jealousy tends to create the very losses it most fears.

I work two full time jobs (60-70 hours a week)

 

he teaches and coaches a varsity sport and a club team as well

 

so we are both incredibly busy people

You two have no time for each other. As for the other girl, who knows. Will he admit if there is something going on? Depends on the guy and how you ask. Talk to him and tell him what you have seen and what you are experiencing between you and him over the past 4 months. At this point, given the circumstances, what in the world do you have to loose??

I don't think you're crazy at all. I would be thinking the same thing about this girl who popped up out of nowhere. It doesn't necessarily mean he's interested in a relationship with her, but she does sound interested in him. And he very well could be playing you both. Guys will do that, unfortunately. They will also give all the right answers and say what you want to hear. This doesn't sound as if it's going to go anywhere anyhow, with his lack of effort and time. I would pull out before you get too attached.

Thanks for all the replies, somewhat put my mind at ease to hear it's somewhat valid for me to be concerned. I sent him a text just now saying "I'm going to be completely honest here. I can't seem to shake the feeling that I think you're also talking to someone else or looking elsewhere. I've tried to believe that you aren't but I can't shake that it says you were online and the perceived lack of interest you have in me latelt. every time I bring up planning to see each other you blow me off. I don't think we should keep talking when I'm the only one taking it serious. I'm not sending this because you didn't text enough today these are things consistently on my mind. We've talked everyday for four months ive become attached. But it's not fair to me. I've told you time and time again i would come to you whenever, I tried to see you when you had games this way but nothing... It just seems there has to besomeone else whos holding your interest. For my sake i need to pull out before i become even more attached than I already have become. You're busy I'm busy but we're adults.. You find time for things that are important to you. Anyways I hope that if you become less busy or decide you want to see me you reach out. "

I'm sure he will reply at some point.. I have mentioned these things before and saying I think we should stop wasting our time but e always says exactly the right thing to make me change my mind but I'm prepared to stop the texts and to move on from whatever this was. I guess I just need more than he can offer..

You haven't even met yet - chats or phone calls mean nothing until you've met and it seems he has no plans for that. Go find a guy that is actually interested in dating and forget about him, the other girl is likely in the same textlationship cycle.

This is not a relationship, in any shape or form. You are pen pals at best, and you absolutely cannot expect him to be "faithful".

For whatever reason he doesn't want to meet in person, or he would have. Again, the hour and a half "long distance" thing, there have been a ton of posts lately that invoke this "distance" as a reason for relationships not taking off the ground, and like I tell everybody - this is just a regular daily commute to work for a lot of people. One hour and a half drive is nothing, when the interest is there. If you were to meet halfway, you'd only have to drive 45 minutes!

Or, if one has a preference to date only people who live close by, nothing wrong with that, but then why start "talking" and pretending to be in a relationship with someone who clearly is not local? Doesn't make any sense.

What does make sense is that he may not even be single, or for whatever reason he doesn't want an in-person relationship (and being busy is not the reason). He may be cyber talking to others the same way he does with you, or he may not. He may be dating someone in the flesh, he may be not. Who knows and who cares? The only thing that matters and affects you is that he doesn't want to meet you and have a real relationship with you, and he is just wasting your time. This is what you need to focus on, and act accordingly. Do you want to continue getting attached to someone who is just stringing you along, without ever giving you something real, tangible, or do you want to end this so you can meet someone who wants the same things you want?

It's good that you sent him that message, I just hope he won't decide to meet you just to shut you up, only to ghost you later or be wishy-washy about seeing you again.

You are definitely not wrong for being frustrated with the situation, but only you can fix it, by being true to what you want. If someone isn't giving you what you want, drop them. Many more where this one came from!

I've been here. Talked for a month online before finally meeting. It was too much time. It built up a fantasy.

Good that you cut him off. In the future, if you can't meet a man within a couple of weeks (and vice versa), then move along dear.

He sounds married

This is not a relationship, in any shape or form. You are pen pals at best, and you absolutely cannot expect him to be "faithful".

For whatever reason he doesn't want to meet in person, or he would have. Again, the hour and a half "long distance" thing, there have been a ton of posts lately that invoke this "distance" as a reason for relationships not taking off the ground, and like I tell everybody - this is just a regular daily commute to work for a lot of people. One hour and a half drive is nothing, when the interest is there. If you were to meet halfway, you'd only have to drive 45 minutes!

Or, if one has a preference to date only people who live close by, nothing wrong with that, but then why start "talking" and pretending to be in a relationship with someone who clearly is not local? Doesn't make any sense.

What does make sense is that he may not even be single, or for whatever reason he doesn't want an in-person relationship (and being busy is not the reason). He may be cyber talking to others the same way he does with you, or he may not. He may be dating someone in the flesh, he may be not. Who knows and who cares? The only thing that matters and affects you is that he doesn't want to meet you and have a real relationship with you, and he is just wasting your time. This is what you need to focus on, and act accordingly. Do you want to continue getting attached to someone who is just stringing you along, without ever giving you something real, tangible, or do you want to end this so you can meet someone who wants the same things you want?

 

It's good that you sent him that message, I just hope he won't decide to meet you just to shut you up, only to ghost you later or be wishy-washy about seeing you again.

You are definitely not wrong for being frustrated with the situation, but only you can fix it, by being true to what you want. If someone isn't giving you what you want, drop them. Many more where this one came from!

Amen to that! 100% agree.

ETA It's not he *may* be cyber talking with others...... he IS cyber talking with others.

Unless he is moving this 'interaction' forward to meeting in person, it is naive to believe you are the only one he's interacting with.

And 1.5 hours is nothing! I used to drive an hour to/from work everyday.

The facebook friend could be an old friend - I wouldn't worry about her.

He's probably married.

My now husband regularly drove 3 hours one way to see me, and has even driven in a blizzard in a topless jeep to see me. 4 months, and not once? Forget the girl - don't waste anymore time "chatting" with someone where you two can't find time together. Think of it this way, either of your situations are going to be changing anytime soon, correct? Find someone that wants to actually grow and build a relationship that doesn't involve constant screen time.

You are his penpal, congratulations. There other thing is, since you have not met, you really don't know for sure if there is attraction. You two are strangers.

Here is a rule you should adopt..... if they won't meet within a couple weeks, move on and date others. Part of smart dating is efficiency. Real romantic relationships are built on face-to-face dates.

He is not married guys. We are friends on all social media he's called me in front of friends etc. that's not even something that's crossed my mind. I think he's possibly talking to others how he talks to me. Anyways.. He's trying to fight what I said last night and saying he wants to make it work and that he's just so stressed with work that he doesn't even have time for himself. I literally work two full time jobs and I still could make time for him so to me that's not a valid excuse. I don't understand why he blows off meeting but I told him again I don't just want a phone relationship. I'm not sure if he's nervous, he's expresses insecurities that he's balding at such a young age (26) and he was worried I wouldn't be interested or attracted to him without a hat on which to me i don't even care about but he's constantly telling me how much better I am than him. Then he's expressed how he wants to go out on an amazing date but is struggling so much financially and I've explained I'm easy going I don't need anything extravagant. He's saying he wants to make this work but I told him I don't think he's willing to put forth the effort to help turn this into something real. as for the other girl there's no way to bring it up without sounding crazy and like I'm stalking his social media (which I clearly am). But I've explained that I feel his attention must be on someone else and that's why he's avoiding seeing me.

Are you able to block him? I would do that. There are men out there who would love to date you.

saying he wants to make it work and that he's just so stressed with work that he doesn't even have time for himself.

Then he's expressed how he wants to go out on an amazing date but is struggling so much financially

Then he doesn't need to be leading you on with this psuedo-"relationship"! Nor does he need to be seeking any kind of relationship at all, if he's too "busy" and "stressed" and can't afford it. And really, how arrogant of him to expect you to wait around until he has a break in his oh-so-busy schedule.

These are all excuses, whatever the real reason behind them. This guy is lame. Don't let him manipulate you into continuing whatever you two have been doing. If he's too insecure to meet because of balding hair, then again, he doesn't need to be leading you on and putting you off. He's already wasted enough of your time.

He is not married guys. We are friends on all social media he's called me in front of friends etc. that's not even something that's crossed my mind. I think he's possibly talking to others how he talks to me. Anyways.. He's trying to fight what I said last night and saying he wants to make it work and that he's just so stressed with work that he doesn't even have time for himself. I literally work two full time jobs and I still could make time for him so to me that's not a valid excuse. I don't understand why he blows off meeting but I told him again I don't just want a phone relationship.

 

I'm not sure if he's nervous, he's expresses insecurities that he's balding at such a young age (26) and he was worried I wouldn't be interested or attracted to him without a hat on which to me i don't even care about but he's constantly telling me how much better I am than him. Then he's expressed how he wants to go out on an amazing date but is struggling so much financially and I've explained I'm easy going I don't need anything extravagant. He's saying he wants to make this work but I told him I don't think he's willing to put forth the effort to help turn this into something real. as for the other girl there's no way to bring it up without sounding crazy and like I'm stalking his social media (which I clearly am). But I've explained that I feel his attention must be on someone else and that's why he's avoiding seeing me.

Tell him to shave his entire head.... shaved heads are HOT!

Seriously though, it sounds like he has a lot of anxiety and fears regarding REAL life relationships... which is why he seeks out these "on-line interactions."

Also attempting to convince a man to meet you or what you would do to make it work puts you in a very weak position.

HE should be as enthusiastic as you are and if he's not, whether he has anxiety, fears or another reason, then I would suggest you move on.

It won't get better.

Regardless if he's talking to or seeing other people - who care? You're not seeing him either.

Amen to that! 100% agree.

 

ETA It's not he *may* be cyber talking with others...... he IS cyber talking with others.

 

Unless he is moving this 'interaction' forward to meeting in person, it is naive to believe you are the only one he's interacting with.

 

And 1.5 hours is nothing! I used to drive an hour to/from work everyday.

I commute 1.5 hrs a day and my last relationship lived 1.5 hours away.

His words don't match his actions. Plain and simple.

Cut this loose and going forward be leary of people looking for electronic relationships.

There are more and more of them as time goes on.

My feeling is - he never intended on meeting you in the first place and told you just enough to keep it going. He knows you are getting restless so he's doing a slow fade because he can't or won't produce.

Why? I don't know and the reasons don't really matter.

Color this one unavailable.

Next time set yourself a comfortable time limit in which you expect to have a face to face.

I typically tell them straight up that I am not into electronic exchanges after 4 or 5 emails and If they haven't suggested meeting, I'll suggest a phone call first and then a face to face. If they balk, I move on.

You didn't do anything wrong and there is a valuable lesson here.

This guy wasted your time. Next time filter them out sooner so you aren't doing the same.

If you think I am wrong and there is still a chance, tell him you need to dial back the time invested.

If at anytime anything changes tell him to let you know and you'd be happy to get together.

Until then, you need to move along

Thank you! I'm glad to hear that people agree with me. I don't think an hour and a half is far I've been in long distance over 2,000 miles so to me an hour and a half is nothing. It hurts my feelings that he hasn't acted on seeing me and makes me question what about is it that makes him not want to see me. He's assured be its nothing just being busy but it doesn't make sense to me. Anyways I've said my piece to him so now I just need to stick to it and not change my mind.

For whatever reason, he's just stringing you along. Lives with someone, lives with his parents, lives in his car, etc. scammer, catfish, 850 lb guy in a trailer, who knows? Unfortunately it sounds like you are desperately lonely and seeking attention and texting, etc.

You are even having relationship talks, pouring your heart out via text to someone You Have Never Met...think about that!

It's time to let go and block this guy. Have you read the book "He's just Not That Into You"? it may give you some help distinguishing interested guys from the time-wasters.

It hurts my feelings that he hasn't acted on seeing me and makes me question what about is it that makes him not want to see me. He's assured be its nothing just being busy but it doesn't make sense to me.

I'm not desperately lonely in the slightest....

I'm not desperately lonely in the slightest....

Maddy, how did you meet him? I know it was on line, but was it a dating site or a chat room?

If it was a dating site please be leery of men contacting you who live long distance.

There is a reason they seek out women who don't live local... either they have anxieties and commitment issues and prefer on line 'interactions" as a way to create and maintain distance, or they are married or otherwise unavailable. Or they are simply not who they claim to be (catfish).

Since you've done FaceTime, you know it's him (with a hat)... so I am sticking with my earlier suspicion based on what he's told you about his insecurities...

That being he has anxieties and fears about REAL LIFE relationships. It is not that uncommon, just google it.

In any event, his excuse about being "busy" just doesn't fly... no effing way. He is BSing you about that.

He essentially led you on for FOUR MONTHS, with no intention of ever meeting you.

If this ever happens again, suggest meeting very early on and if he hems and haws or says "maybe sometime" or "I'm too busy" or "can't afford it" and puts it off, that is a red flag, start to back off and adjust your expectations.

UNLESS you can enjoy your email interaction for just what it is, an email interaction with NO expectations of ever meeting in person. Nothing more and nothing less.

I have had a couple of those and they've been fun and entertaining, but I had NO expectations of ever meeting in person and/or developing a RL with that person.

Well I take that back. If we ever had an opp to meet, great, but it was not that big of a deal if we didn't. Again, keep the expectations in check.

Eventually they just faded out. No one got hurt and it was a fun experience.

However, it sounds like you have strong feelings for this man, so not sure you could do that.

So just walk away... if the avatar posted is you, you are a beautiful girl and you should certainly be able to meet plenty of local guys.

Good luck moving forward!!

I met him on match we live about 60 miles away from one another. Over a mountain pass which makes it take longer. I have strong feelings for him we both work in education and have the same hardworking values but he was just subbing when we started talking now he's full time and landed the varsity coaching job and coachjng his club team so he's definitely busier now than before. In the beginning he tried to set things up and on my end I wasn't able to make the day's work with my schedule. He has tried to fight what I'm saying and still saying it's not that he doesn't want to see me and he will soon but it's all empty promises to me. I have s bad feeling about that girl as well and im saying I can't shake the feeling he's talking with someone else. Of course he's denying it. I'm pretty over the situation.. I would love to see him and have it develop into something real but it doesn't seem he's available for that in the near future which is what I'm telling him

Again, why don't you block him?

I met him on match we live about 60 miles away from one another. Over a mountain pass which makes it take longer. I have strong feelings for him we both work in education and have the same hardworking values but he was just subbing when we started talking now he's full time and landed the varsity coaching job and coachjng his club team so he's definitely busier now than before. In the beginning he tried to set things up and on my end I wasn't able to make the day's work with my schedule. He has tried to fight what I'm saying and still saying it's not that he doesn't want to see me and he will soon but it's all empty promises to me. I have s bad feeling about that girl as well and im saying I can't shake the feeling he's talking with someone else. Of course he's denying it. I'm pretty over the situation.. I would love to see him and have it develop into something real but it doesn't seem he's available for that in the near future which is what I'm telling him

Maddy ... and he will keep fighting you on it because he doesn't want to lose the on line connection you've developed. Not until HE is ready to end it.

But your gut is correct, when a man wants to meet you and develop something REAL with you, he will move mountains, and would never let something like a 1.5 drive stand in his way.

Hell you could meet halfway - that's 45 minutes, that is NOTHING. It's been four months!

Also think about it logically. Sure he has a lot going on but he has time to email and chat with you doesn't he?

And is he busy every single Saturday night for heaven's sake? The man is BSing you.

Stop emailing and chatting with him. Tell him this is no longer working for you and you are moving on.

Wish him well and call it a day. Then block!

For your own emotional well being otherwise you will remain stuck in this drama for god only knows how long.

Take care of you!!