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Thread: A friend is seeking experiences while traveling that I'm worried about

  1. #1
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    A friend is seeking experiences while traveling that I'm worried about

    I have a friend who is going to Germany this week for two weeks. He is a very socially awkward person who has recently come out to me as gay. Well, he says bi, but as all the porn I caught him watching was men, I think he's gay. Whatever. He hasn't come out to anyone else and is going on this trip with an older relative he can't talk to about it. He says he has never acted on his homosexual impulses, despite being in his forties and I believe him simply because I know how shy he is. However, I think if the right opportunity presented itself he would probably take them up on it. I am talking about an anonymous encounter, like in a bathroom or something.

    He has made some comments about the gay lifestyle in Germany, he lived there in college and I guess he's eager to see how it's changed, even though he never really participated. My concern is that he is going to get over there and do things that might endanger himself. He's very innocent and sheltered, not good at picking up on cues or reading people. It would be very easy for someone to take advantage of him. He's repressed and looking for an outlet, and I think he might do something stupid. I don't know anything about Germany, he's going to Munich and then Berlin. I know there's nothing I can do, I've asked him to be safe and not drink too much. I keep thinking Germany is sort of the place he might have an encounter and I want him to not have a bad thing happen, not there, not anywhere. He would never tell me if it did, and I'm worried that he won't have anyone to talk to about it. I know people act differently when they're on vacation, I only want him to be safe.

    Any thoughts?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There is a plethora of information on gay hangouts all over the world not to mention meetup apps etc. Remind your friend to bring condoms. To be honest his sexual life is his business.
    Originally Posted by shelby6811
    He has made some comments about the gay lifestyle in Germany, he lived there in college and I guess he's eager to see how it's changed, even though he never really participated. I know there's nothing I can do, I've asked him to be safe and not drink too much.

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    Yeah, you know, I really don't want to google that stuff. I don't agree with the lifestyle and the pictures and stuff I've inadvertently seen grossed me out. So I don't really need details, I was wondering more if he will be safe, if things are a little more free in Germany than in the US.

    And yes, his sex life is his business, but unfortunately since I'm the only person who knows about his preferences, he keeps talking about it to me in little asides. Which makes it my business. And it will be me who has to pick up the pieces when things go poorly.

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    There is nothing you can do about this. Your friend is an adult and in charge of his life. Playing mother hen to people who are not your actual children is not your job and will only build resentment and such friends will turn on you when they go off, do whatever they please, then do or don't get hurt and then turn it around on you or get annoyed with you when you say, "See, I told you so."

    If it upsets you tell him it's simply too much information for you and good luck on his endeavors. Tell him to of course practice safe sex and beyond that it's up to him to figure it all out.

    Then go do something else and stop trying to worry about him. A plane could fall out of the sky on him tomorrow or any one of a billion other things, he could also outlive you and everyone else you know, because life just isn't predictable.

    You can worry if you like, but it's pointless. And I don't mean to sound cold-hearted, but he is going to do what he's going to do and as an adult he has that right. You can say, "I think that's a terrible idea and here's why," but that is your opinion only. It's not his.

    If you can't handle it get another friend. Controlling people is a losing proposition for all involved and you shouldn't have to, because you should be friends with full-grown adults who take responsibility for themselves.

    Tell him to stop talking to you about it and stop "picking up the pieces" or now you've crossed the line into enabler for any decisions he makes that may not turn out well--something I'd point out we all have to deal with regardless of who is or isn't there around someone.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Only if you allow more emotion dumping. He came out to you, so? What are you going to do hold his hand in the a Munich men's room? If his lifestyle 'grosses you out' don't be friends. Do you have a crush on him and can't accept he's gay?
    Originally Posted by shelby6811
    it will be me who has to pick up the pieces when things go poorly.

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    I've spent months in Germany I don't know anything about gay life style or any of that. What I do know (hen) isn't the woman's bathroom! It's the guys. U wouldn't believe I didn't know this for days. Don't people go over there? I thought ah they don't use urnals lol some lady set me straight. So maybe he will make the same mistake and get beat up from a woman problem solved.

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    What kind of dangers are you afraid of in particular? And would you have them if your friend was talking about heterosexual encounters?

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    He went to Germany, not to Saudi Arabia where gay sex is punishable by beheading. I really fail to see how traveling from the US to Germany is any different from traveling to any other liberal western democracy, or from one US state to another US state for that matter. Western Europe has no shortage of openly-gay men, nor any more violence or animosity directed toward them than in the US.

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    I think you are over reacting a bit. He is in his 40s, if he's sheltered, maybe it's time to let him become unsheltered. If you want him to be safe, tell him your concerns and tell him to bring some condoms. In the end, its his life and you dont really have control over another person's sex life.

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    I almost feel like your real concern is that you don't approve of his homosexual tendencies and are trying to find ways to stop him from acting on it all together.

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