i feel like i lost my soul

so ive been struggling for a couple of weeks.. convincing my self that I'm ok

however my mood swings and feelings keep telling me different..

I'm recently a new mum... my bundle of joy is now 10 months old and hes my world

the pregnancy wasn't easy... I was ill for a long time, and me and the dad split up as he told me at 7 months pregnant he *wasn't ready to be a dad*

walking out leaving me in a rented accommodation I was stuck with £2000 worth of bills and council tax to pay for us both, on my own

I moved back home with my folks... and when my baby arrived it was all worth it

still to this day I have never heard of the ex, but my baby sees his family regularly as I need him to know I always had his best interests at heart... we just never speak about his biological dad

I was sworn of blokes, promising my self that if I did meet somebody, it wasn't about me anymore... but all about my baby...

so eventually, I started seeing someone, someone I had known for a while... someone who had always made the effort to talk to me, someone who made me smile again

and eventually.. he made me fall in love

it took me a while for me to introduce him to baby, as I needed to be sure

and hes amazing... a brilliant *dad*

everything was amazing, until one day I had that feeling that I had before

I knew I was pregnant

I took 4 tests and each one said the same result, I felt gut wrenched

I mean I was just about coping with the baby I already had..my relationship was new... we had only been together 4 weeks. I had started back work full time and wasn't sure if I could cope as I had suffered with bad post natal depression

I spoke to my mum... and she told me we would sort it out

which in other words meant an abortion

my mind was ripped in two... I mean I'm not a child, I'm self sufficient at 28 and have a secured job... but I doubted if I could actually cope with another baby when mine isn't even 1 yet

I decided to book an appointment at a clinic the same day I told my mum and she assured me everything was going to be ok

it took me a while to figure it out but I decided I would tell my partner... so I did... he was calm, supportive... told me how he actually felt... that he *wasn't ready*

as soon as I heard them words I felt how I did before with my ex... but this time I had a choice.. I couldn't of been that far into my pregnancy

the week leading upto it was horrendous and my mind was all over the place... I kept looking for reassurance...

so we decided it was the right thing to do, and we went to the clinic... the day I was booked in for was my birthday

it was the worst day of my life... as soon as I was in the room I felt blank... I looked around and there was so many women there, some alone... I felt secure as my partner was with me...

but it was the toughest decision I have ever made

it was a 2 day procedure, and through the whole thing I felt empty and sick.. I hardly spoke for a week.. and I couldn't bring myself to talk about it... I still cant

its been 8 weeks since and I am racked with guilt everyday

my partner and I don't speak about it.. he tries as he knows I'm hurting but I keep shutting him down.. I just tell him I regret what we did

I look at my child now, and I just think how different my life would be now if I had made that decision about him.. I mean I don't regret him and the situation was terrible, so I cant understand why I let my self go through with it

I know thousands of women make the same decision I did for loads of different reasons

but I'm struggling to cope... my partner keeps telling me to go and see someone to talk as I cant bring my self to talk to him

I am angry all the time, burst into tears for no reason, and go days without talking

I just feel like my soul has died and I know theres nothing I can do to get it back

I don't even know if I'm seeking any advice... it just feels good to get my thoughts out

No one will judge you, Downout. What a difficult time for you. I do so hope you have support.

You are grieving. Give yourself time to grieve. Take things a day at a time. It will get better.

*hug*

Try to get help for this and focus on your child, he needs you more than you need another relationship/pregnancy.. A new relationship/pregnancy can not fill a void left by the father leaving. File for child support. It's great you have supportive family.

I had suffered with bad post natal depression

I've been in the same situation as you, when I was 22.

Accept it. You are not a monster.

I agree with gebraid: you are grieving. It's normal. But keep in mind you are person worthy of love. No matter how you evaluate what you did (if it was right or wrong).

It is what it is and probably it was the best decision.

Peace will come with time.

Remove some pretty negative self-talk you probably are having inside your head - it's not true.

You are a good person, valuable no matter what you did.

Also, consider that what you "did" it's not a monstrosity and does not make you evil.

All this being said i should add: it's normal what you are feeling. It will pass. Just keep in mind you are still a good person, worthy of joy, love and peace.

Also: you did not lost your soul.

Unlike the toughts you are having now, your soul is unconditional - it will never leave you, no matter what you do.

Emotions are very predictable by circumstances. Why you wouldn't focus more on future what your children can achieve when you a failure of something for beginning?

First of all..... Hugest love and hugs XX You are grieving for so many things and I guess your brain right now is on overload. Just know this. You are special, you are beautiful and your son needs you. You need to talk to someone who will listen, without prejudice. You need to unravel your emotions, one by one and sort them out in your head. I would suggest at the moment there are too many to cope with. But there are people out there who can help you and who will listen. You are not a bad person and your soul will always be with you, no matter what. Please go and speak to someone - a friend, your mum, a counsellor - someone whom if nothing else, will just listen. These things take time - there is no time limit for the grieving process and everyone is different. Your son is your world and he needs you. Sending hugest love and hugs XX