When someone wants two people...

This is interesting. I was with a woman for about a year and a half but we just had a lot of stuff going on in our lives and it didn't work out. There was a lot of jealousy and insecurity... Then, for a short time, I dated another person but I realized that I hadn't processed my other relationship (I actually didn't think there was anything to process)...

For 6 months, she wanted to get back together but I kept her at a distance because I knew I would want that but I didn't think we should. We have once again reconnected only she has now met someone else.

She has told me that she loves me more than anything and wants to be with me but she is afraid we won't work out again. She says that she also has an emotional connection with this other person and she doesn't want to lose that. If we don't work out, she wants to make sure that other girl is still there just in case... This situation screams "RUN" to me...

Okay, so the plot thickens. We have been physical and so now, we have been physical and she still wants to hang out with the other girl and get her emotional needs met. I think I have been entertaining it only because I know I was the one that kept her at a distance for so long. I love her but I don't get the whole, "I love you but I am afraid we'll break up again so I don't want let go of her."

I told her I was gonna go NC for my own self-respect. I don't regret being physical with her but I just don't want to be with someone who always needs a backup emotional connection.

Truth be told, if she is with this girl, she will still want to be connected to me. She has been this whole time. I think I'm right to assume that she will never be satisfied with what she has and will always need outside attention. Have others experienced this pattern with people? I would love for us to be together and be only focused on each other but I don't know if she can do that. Oh. By the way... The other girl doesn't know we have been intimate and that we have reconnected. My bad too, I know... But apparently, they aren't in a relationship...

Soul, besides the fact that she is keeping you as a back up, should be enough for you to run. How insulting for someone to treat you like this.

The more important bit, is that you guys are not compatible. Why in the world would you return to that dynamic, as you will have the same problems?

I would done, for the shear fact that she wants to string you along. Find a nicer lady!

Thanks, Hollyj... She is actually using us both as a back up... She is spending time with both of us except I know everything and this other girl doesn't... But you're right about what you said. Thank you. I know we share a really deep connection but if she thinks she can move on to this other girl before she is over "us," she can try her damndest. I know that that never works.

You don't know the status of their relationship, you only know what she tells you. Go NC! She's not even a friend.

Yeah, that's very true...

"Hey, all!

My journey in a nutshell is that I was with one person with whom I share a deep connection but our relationship was just doomed from the start due to circumstances AND we ended up being quite codependent together. No one's fault. So, we broke up and I didn't allow myself to process that relationship fully before I started dating someone new. TERRIBLE MISTAKE. WILL NOT DO AGAIN - EVER!

However, relationships are mirroring for us the ways in which we need to heal... It became VERY apparent to me that because of how I grew up and those relationships, my adult relationships were continuing a pattern of codependency.... this summer, I ended the dating situation with the other person and I set off on a journey to truly heal these parts of myself that have stayed with me up until my 37th year of life. I am a mature, loving, successful, emotionally available and level-headed woman and yet, my relationships have been showing me a side of me that has needed major healing.

Two things that have brought huge change into my life have been the book "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody (recommended to me by my amazing therapist) as well as starting hypnotherapy. When I thought of hypnotherapy, all I could think of is the hypnosis show in college where some kid was inevitably running around the stage, squawking like a chicken... but it is not that... I needed my unconscious mind to release the emotional baggage that I had been holding onto for dear life before my relationships could change...

My point is that, for me, my relationship issues have been about ME... as long as I am codependent, my partners will reflect that.

My final hypnotherapy session was groundbreaking for me... I know that I can be single which I am and which I should be right now... and I know I can also get back together with my ex which everyone in the world would say is mistake but is tempting.. not because I want yet another codependent relationship... but because I am so different than I was 6 months ago and I know that no matter which decision I make, it's not about her. It's about me and my continued spiritual and emotional growth. It's always about me and when it's always about me, I'm not going to get it wrong as long as I'm focused on me and my growth. To progress rather than stay stuck....

Your healing starts when you make this shift to realize it's not about them. It's about you. And when you realize that everything is working out for you and you can't get it wrong. If your ex is gone... you're going to thrive. If your ex comes back, you're going to ultimately thrive whether you stay together or not. As long as you keep learning and healing and growing, you can't get it wrong and your journey will ultimately lead you to a beautiful place - because it's not about THEM. It's about YOU. Start there. The rest will fall into place."

Soul, this is an amazing journey. You may be in a better place from self reflection and therapy, but she is the same woman, who is incapable of committing to one person.

Stick to your course!!!!

Thanks, Holly. I am doing well. I just miss her and got a glimpse of us again together.... But I will be okay I guess I thought she was in that place too and she says she's confused but I don't want someone to be confused about me - least of all her.

I think you did the right thing with NC. Who wants to be a backup. I know I could never do it. Its all or nothing. Lol unfortunately it's a whole lot of nothing latally. If you are looking for a LTR find somone who is into you and only you.

Totally right, Matt. I think because she wanted us to get back together for so long and part of her STILL does, I never considered myself a backup... But if I keep talking to her, I will be one. Sorry you're getting a whole lot of nothing. I have been there.